"and when the radical priest come and get me released we were all on the cover of Newsweek"
Paul Simon "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard"
So what's the over/under on how many months it will take for Paula Broadwell to be on Celebrity Apprentice? She has already begun her walk of shame through the media gauntlet. She was lampooned by Bill Maher, mercilessly mocked by Saturday Night Live (seriously, even I felt bad for her) and been shredded by every late night comic with a microphone. I believe the correct phrase is "being Lewinskyed". Titling her book about General David Patraeus "All In" is just the cherry on the sundae.
Still, it's not as if Ms. Broadwell is blameless. Not only was she setting up light housekeeping with America's most popular war hero in a tent in Kabul, she wanted the world to know it. No one over the age of seven who is trying to keep a secret puts anything incriminating in email. Any Afghan goat herder will tell you that. Ms. Broadwell is many things but dumb is not among them. Being done in by a rogue FBI agent in Florida who was trying to score a date with Tampa gadfly Jill Kelly was bad luck but inevitable. (Ms. Kelly is described as a "Tampa socialite" which means that she always scores the best table at the International House of Pancakes.) Nevertheless Paula's coupling with Patraeus would have come out soon enough. Ms. Kelly meanwhile, was also interested in outing her own flirtation with her four-star fan boy General John Allen. If you're trying to keep a relationship secret, you don't invite the FBI to snoop through your unmentionable internet correspondence. (See also "goat herder" above.)
General Allen, who thus far appears to have confined his amorous affectations to the written word, was nonetheless able to author some 20,000 pages of flirtatious fluff over the last year or so. (If Gen Allen's career in the Marines should fizzle, he has a promising future as a ghost writer for E L James, author of "50 Shades of Grey".) Apparently, commanding the coalition forces in Afghanistan is not as time consuming as one would suppose. Additionally, what is it about the job of commanding the International Security Assistance force in Afghanistan that causes dedicated military commanders to wander off the marital reservation? Something in the water? Certainly not the burlap covered natives. Why would a commander with such a sterling reputation as General Allen suddenly feel the need to wear out a keyboard sending bon mots to a middle-aged married tootsie in Florida? Did he not have Beyonce's email address?
Some things are clear: in a post 9-11 world, the FBI must be reminded that the Patriot Act does not grant them unlimited access to personal correspondence, especially in furtherance of one's amorous ambitions. Hoover is dead. Also, America is reminded once again that great men are capable of horrid judgement where women are concerned. Had General Patraeus held any other job but head of the CIA, his indiscretions might have been overlooked. We're not France yet. As it is we have lost a capable leader to an unfortunate sexual liaison that was unworthy of him. Patraeus can recover (he's only 60) but for the moment he is consigned to warming the wasteland bench next to Anthony Weiner.
And so, what have we learned from this farce? 1) Every general who receives a fourth star should be required to read every news report of L'affaire Patraeus and then sign a pledge to keep his pants zipped. 2) For as long as it lasts, the conduct of the War in Afghanistan must be commanded from a mess hall in Fort Lennard Wood, Missouri. Afghanistan is clearly too sexy for senior officers. 3) The city of Tampa must be declared off-limits to field grade officers and above. 4) All correspondence from general officers must be cleared by their wives, mothers and the Legion of Decency. 5) If your life story needs a ghostwriter, call Casper.
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