Forget the war in Iraq. Ignore the immigration issue. Put aside world terrorism and militant Islam. The real issue in America is being decided in Seattle... lap dancing.
Voters in this tech-savvy city will pull their lever (sorry) to decide whether to begin enforcing the "four-foot rule". (This is not to be confused with the four-legged rule which deals with dating sheep.)
According to this latest bit of moralistic claptrap, exotic dancers in strip clubs will be required to maintain a distance of four feet from leering patrons. That sort of defeats the purpose of lap dancing. The only person in America with a four foot lap is Dennis Hastert. But wait there's more. In addition, the lighting in these establishments must be equivalent to that of an office. That's a mood killer. Also, patrons cannot give money directly to dancers. (This last rule seems superfluous because, at four feet, only Yuo Ming could tuck a twenty into a g-string). Suppose you wanted to hand it to her? (OK I'll stop now!)
You can't make this stuff up!
America is at war, for Christ's sake, and the people of Seattle are diddling over when the bumps and grinds of hard working girls violates the local ordinance. How about deciding how far away from the atomic button George Bush must stand before anyone in this country feels safe? Can you picture the Seattle Inspector General running around the Stiletto Lounge with a light meter and a tape measure.
I can't wait for the first raid of a strip joint in Seattle. (There are four, by the way.) The Seattle Times reported, "...as City Councilman Woodman was dragged into the waiting patrol car he was heard to protest, 'I was just checking the lighting'."
This sort of foolishness is what comes of too much Christian-Republican Nannyism. When the world was different, true conservatives like Barry Goldwater espoused the belief that government should stay out of people's lives. Today, the Christian-right stays up nights thinking up new laws to tell me how to live. The only joy is that each new day brings another episode of, "Scandal rocks the God-squad".
In the most recent installment, Ted Haggard, former president of the National Evangelical Association, resigned in disgrace after he was outed as having paid a male prostitute for a "massage". (In Seattle, a massage must be given from across the room...with mittens.)Ted had been a vocal gay-basher in Washington for 30 years. If there is a God, (and I'm sure there is) he /she must think that this stuff is better than Mel Brooks. It's getting so that the last thing a man on his knees is thought to be doing is praying.
But, back to Seattle. Although I would never be seen in a strip club, (so that's why the lights are low!) I will defend to the death the rights of my fellow man to fold twenties lengthwise and deposit them in an interpretive dancers college fund. Citizens of America, arise (sorry, again) Beat back these puritanical bluenoses. Make the world safe for the g-string. After you go to the polls spend a little time at the pole.
1 comment:
Bill, some great points about Republican nannyism, but I think you're missing the point on the intent of the legislation. The people of Seattle don't see lap dancing as simply as a way for wayward men to get their jollies - the recognize it for the art form that it is. The four foot barrier ensures the patron gets to fully appreciate the art that is lap dancing. These women spend a lot of time working on their dance moves and this legislation ensures their hard work is appreciated. It's about art appreciation, not government nannyism.
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