...is the EU in need of an education, or are they onto something?

The subject for the day is rice. No, not the Secretary of State. (She of the Franz Liszt fingers and the Leon Spinks dentation) We are talking about the kind of rice that Uncle Ben made famous.

It seems that our European friends have their collective bloomers in a bunch over the fact that some of a recently purchased shipment of rice contained a few genetically altered grains. Mon dieu! Ach du liebe! I say!

This current episode is part of a continuing disagreement over genetically altered foods. Europe doesn't know why they don't want it but they don't want it.

Here in the U.S. we really don't care all that much. We eat what's advertised. Americans don't much notice if the tomatoes at the local supermarket are the size of basketballs or if the cucumbers glow in the dark so long as the price is right. We eat processed foods that have less actual organic ingredients than a wad of silly putty. Thirty weight motor oil is closer to "natural" than the soft drinks we give our children. You would be better off eating the packaging for the fiber.

Still, we are Americans. I thought everyone wanted to be like us. Europe mimics our clothes, our music, (sadly, not out hygiene) and, of course, our language. So how come they're so afraid of our produce?

There is not one shred of evidence that genetically altered apples or onions cause any ill effect at all. (Except in the middle of America where these foods appear to cause the population to vote for baboons.) The alteration in the gene structure of these products causes them to be more flavorful, resistant to disease, and they last longer in transit. Some alterations even make the foods look prettier. Potatoes, for example, discolor almost as soon as you peal them. Science (and McDonald's) is forever seeking a way to reverse this process.

The attitude in Europe is that the jury is still out on the potentially harmful effects of these "Frankenfoods". (Think Mr. Potatohead with stiches in his forehead and bolts in his neck.)

Frankly, I think Europe may be on to something. It's not so much that Americans are growing an extra ear or fourteen toes, it's that we are growing, period.

Belgians, Italians, and Dutchmen see a lot of American tourists and they can't help but notice that they are getting a little thick around the middle. When the elevator in the Eiffel Tower can handle thirty-five Japanese but only six Floridians, that's a problem. When the Leaning Tower in Pisa asks the family from Kansas to enter one at a time, it's troubling.

Here in America we know that the problem is lack of exercise, processed foods, super-sized portions, etc. However, Europeans might think that it's the fooled-around-with rice and the monkeyed-around- with corn.

They are, of course, partially correct. The problem is rice...and potatoes...and bread, and a lot of other stuff. Unfortunately, it's not the genetic composition of the spuds, it's the number of french fries that we stuff into our faces that's causing us to look like the road company of Hairspray. Tragically, if we ate more of the genetically altered green vegetables we produce perhaps Air France could stop issuing seatbelt extensions on their flights from America.

Note to the European Union. Genetically altered foods aren't harmful. It's only if you eat enough to sustain the crew of the space station for a month that you get into trouble.

As for the correlation between the food you eat and the poor choices at the polls...too soon to tell, but you may be onto something there. Don't risk it!