News in review volume II
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Brittany Spears has released a new infommercial video. The film explains the proper way to exit a sports car when you are visiting your gynocologist. Thanks to this demonstrational tape, all of the mystery regarding Ms. Spears C-section has been put to rest. Imagine, a photo that makes Paris Hilton appear lady-like!
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Having determined that Dennis Hastert, former Speaker of the House, ignored all warnings regarding the conduct of Mark Foley and the House pages, the House of Representatives has nonetheless decided against taking any disciplinary action. Dissatisified with the ruling, the Gay & Lesbian Taskforce voted to wheel Rep. Hassert on a hand truck (a la Hannibal Lector) to the front of the Capitol building and beat him repeatedly with a sock full of manure.
Excuse me but this overstuffed creep put politics ahead of the safety of young staffers in Congress. He needs to have his pension docked and be sent back to Illinois with a large "L" branded on his ample butt.
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In case you lost track, Representative William Jefferson of Louisiana has just defeated his closest opponent in a run-off election for the House seat that he has occupied for eight terms. Perhaps you remember Rep. Jefferson as the Congressman who redefined the term cold cash, having been found hiding $90,000 in marked bribe money in his freezer.
Mr. Jefferson hasn't allowed a pending indictment to stand in the way of his reelection bid. Rep. Jefferson is this week's recieptient of the Marion Barry "The Bitch Set Me Up" Award for political chutzpah. Let's also give a cheer to the morons in New Orleans who voted for this thief. Their choice is especially interesting considering that he will soon be a resident of the state of Kansas....Leavenworth, that is. We truly get the government we deserve.
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On the subject of awards, the "Richard Reid, You're Too Stupid to be a Terrorist Award" went to to Derrick Shareef of Rockford, Il. who tried to purchase four hand-grenades, a handgun, and ammunition from a Federal agent in exchange for his stereo speakers. Apparently his original plan involving playing the Red Hot Chilepeppers really loud, wasn't having the distructive effect that he had envisioned. Mr. Shareef can expect to recieve a lengthy sentence at the Neverland Correctional Facility For the Criminally Dumb.
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The local officials in Beijing, China hit upon a novel way to derail the prostitution trade in the Shenzhen region of the city. Having raided the karaoke bars, saunas, and barbershops, they marched the hookers and their johns through the streets. The idea was to shame the girls and their customers into contemplating more acceptable pursuits. Chinese officials admit that this action has little chance of success in the United States. Having seen the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on TV, the Chinese determined that Americans have no shame.
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President George W. Bush met today with the only remaining person in the world who still supports his Iraq policy. Mr. Bush thanked the man, who declined to give his name, for his continued support of a policy that has failed so miserably and completely. The meeting was cut short when the President discovered that, in fact, he no longer supported his own policy and therefore had to leave.
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