News in review volume II
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Brittany Spears has released a new infommercial video. The film explains the proper way to exit a sports car when you are visiting your gynocologist. Thanks to this demonstrational tape, all of the mystery regarding Ms. Spears C-section has been put to rest. Imagine, a photo that makes Paris Hilton appear lady-like!
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Having determined that Dennis Hastert, former Speaker of the House, ignored all warnings regarding the conduct of Mark Foley and the House pages, the House of Representatives has nonetheless decided against taking any disciplinary action. Dissatisified with the ruling, the Gay & Lesbian Taskforce voted to wheel Rep. Hassert on a hand truck (a la Hannibal Lector) to the front of the Capitol building and beat him repeatedly with a sock full of manure.
Excuse me but this overstuffed creep put politics ahead of the safety of young staffers in Congress. He needs to have his pension docked and be sent back to Illinois with a large "L" branded on his ample butt.
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In case you lost track, Representative William Jefferson of Louisiana has just defeated his closest opponent in a run-off election for the House seat that he has occupied for eight terms. Perhaps you remember Rep. Jefferson as the Congressman who redefined the term cold cash, having been found hiding $90,000 in marked bribe money in his freezer.
Mr. Jefferson hasn't allowed a pending indictment to stand in the way of his reelection bid. Rep. Jefferson is this week's recieptient of the Marion Barry "The Bitch Set Me Up" Award for political chutzpah. Let's also give a cheer to the morons in New Orleans who voted for this thief. Their choice is especially interesting considering that he will soon be a resident of the state of Kansas....Leavenworth, that is. We truly get the government we deserve.
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On the subject of awards, the "Richard Reid, You're Too Stupid to be a Terrorist Award" went to to Derrick Shareef of Rockford, Il. who tried to purchase four hand-grenades, a handgun, and ammunition from a Federal agent in exchange for his stereo speakers. Apparently his original plan involving playing the Red Hot Chilepeppers really loud, wasn't having the distructive effect that he had envisioned. Mr. Shareef can expect to recieve a lengthy sentence at the Neverland Correctional Facility For the Criminally Dumb.
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The local officials in Beijing, China hit upon a novel way to derail the prostitution trade in the Shenzhen region of the city. Having raided the karaoke bars, saunas, and barbershops, they marched the hookers and their johns through the streets. The idea was to shame the girls and their customers into contemplating more acceptable pursuits. Chinese officials admit that this action has little chance of success in the United States. Having seen the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on TV, the Chinese determined that Americans have no shame.
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President George W. Bush met today with the only remaining person in the world who still supports his Iraq policy. Mr. Bush thanked the man, who declined to give his name, for his continued support of a policy that has failed so miserably and completely. The meeting was cut short when the President discovered that, in fact, he no longer supported his own policy and therefore had to leave.
Showing posts with label Current events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Current events. Show all posts
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
...are we all in need of a clipping service?
Items you may have missed...
Former president Jimmy Carter has just released his new book, “Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid”. This volume is Mr. Carter’s 21st. It’s now official: Jimmy Carter has written more books than George Bush has read…not counting “The Pet Goat”, which he was unable to finish.
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Michael Vick, quarterback for the struggling Atlanta Falcons, apologized today for extending two middle-finger salutes to heckling fans after the Falcons loss to the New Orleans Saints. Mr. Vick said that he was sorry that he only had two hands, and therefore only two middle-fingers to express his feelings to the citizens of Atlanta. Vick has promised to enroll in the Jeremy Shockey School for Anger Management when the season ends.
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Retail sales on "black friday" (the Friday after Thanksgiving) were up 19% this year with many shoppers waiting hours outside stores and malls. One tee-shirt was in particular demand this season. The shirt carries the WalMart logo over the words, "I have no life". The egregious garment comes equipped with its own gravy stains.
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The entertainment world was stunned to learn that Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson were calling it quits after four months (that's 1,2,3,4 months) of wedded bliss. The couple had been married in three separate ceremonies over last summer. A spokesman for Ms. Anderson has suggested that Pamela's next nuptuals will be as part of the annual Sun Yung Moon ceremony in Yankee Stadium where she will marry all the men present.
In accordance with the community-property laws of the State of California, Mr. Rock said he expects to be awarded at least one of Pamela's breasts in the settlement.
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Barbara and Jenna Bush, daughters of president-for-the-moment George W. Bush are continuing their vacation in Buenos Aires after Jenna Bush had her purse stolen. Serious concerns were expressed by the White House in that the purse contained a lipstick, Ms. Bush's driver liscense, a comb, and the Republican plan stablizing the situation in Iraq. Undaunted, the twins have decided to stay the course.
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The Mathew Brady Photo Library has released several recently discovered photographs taken during the weeks surrounding the assassination of President Lincoln. One of the photos appears to have been taken immediately after the president died. Included in the photo are Vice-president Andrew Johnson, Secretary of the Treasury Simon Chase, Interior Secretary James Harlen and Reverand Al Sharpton. Historians were not particularly surprised to see the Rev. Sharpton in the photo, but were amazed that the Rev. Jesse Jackson had been somehow cropped out.
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President Bush landed in Tallinn, Estonia on Monday on his way to a NATO conference in Riga, Latvia which begins today. Upon landing, Mr. Bush was heard to remark that he was amazed at how many countries there were that he had never heard of. Having recently watched the film, "Borat", the president was shocked to learn that Kazakhstan is a real place. He immediately began searching a nearby atlas for Freedonia and Sylvania.
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Dr. David Mininberg, a physican in New York City, presented a study Monday at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of America, which proves conclusively that King Tutankhamun was not killed by his enemies. Dr. Mininberg, who is an expert on Egyptian medicine, performed several CT scans on the mummy. His findings have not only put the King Tut murder theory to rest, but have also prompted producer Jerry Bruckheimer to begin work on a new TV series staring Omar Sharif to be called, "CSI, Cairo".
Former president Jimmy Carter has just released his new book, “Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid”. This volume is Mr. Carter’s 21st. It’s now official: Jimmy Carter has written more books than George Bush has read…not counting “The Pet Goat”, which he was unable to finish.
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Michael Vick, quarterback for the struggling Atlanta Falcons, apologized today for extending two middle-finger salutes to heckling fans after the Falcons loss to the New Orleans Saints. Mr. Vick said that he was sorry that he only had two hands, and therefore only two middle-fingers to express his feelings to the citizens of Atlanta. Vick has promised to enroll in the Jeremy Shockey School for Anger Management when the season ends.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Retail sales on "black friday" (the Friday after Thanksgiving) were up 19% this year with many shoppers waiting hours outside stores and malls. One tee-shirt was in particular demand this season. The shirt carries the WalMart logo over the words, "I have no life". The egregious garment comes equipped with its own gravy stains.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The entertainment world was stunned to learn that Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson were calling it quits after four months (that's 1,2,3,4 months) of wedded bliss. The couple had been married in three separate ceremonies over last summer. A spokesman for Ms. Anderson has suggested that Pamela's next nuptuals will be as part of the annual Sun Yung Moon ceremony in Yankee Stadium where she will marry all the men present.
In accordance with the community-property laws of the State of California, Mr. Rock said he expects to be awarded at least one of Pamela's breasts in the settlement.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara and Jenna Bush, daughters of president-for-the-moment George W. Bush are continuing their vacation in Buenos Aires after Jenna Bush had her purse stolen. Serious concerns were expressed by the White House in that the purse contained a lipstick, Ms. Bush's driver liscense, a comb, and the Republican plan stablizing the situation in Iraq. Undaunted, the twins have decided to stay the course.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mathew Brady Photo Library has released several recently discovered photographs taken during the weeks surrounding the assassination of President Lincoln. One of the photos appears to have been taken immediately after the president died. Included in the photo are Vice-president Andrew Johnson, Secretary of the Treasury Simon Chase, Interior Secretary James Harlen and Reverand Al Sharpton. Historians were not particularly surprised to see the Rev. Sharpton in the photo, but were amazed that the Rev. Jesse Jackson had been somehow cropped out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
President Bush landed in Tallinn, Estonia on Monday on his way to a NATO conference in Riga, Latvia which begins today. Upon landing, Mr. Bush was heard to remark that he was amazed at how many countries there were that he had never heard of. Having recently watched the film, "Borat", the president was shocked to learn that Kazakhstan is a real place. He immediately began searching a nearby atlas for Freedonia and Sylvania.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. David Mininberg, a physican in New York City, presented a study Monday at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of America, which proves conclusively that King Tutankhamun was not killed by his enemies. Dr. Mininberg, who is an expert on Egyptian medicine, performed several CT scans on the mummy. His findings have not only put the King Tut murder theory to rest, but have also prompted producer Jerry Bruckheimer to begin work on a new TV series staring Omar Sharif to be called, "CSI, Cairo".
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