Things you missed while watching Rick Santorum receive his 15 minutes of fame:
West Bank Story
The forces of Greece and Armenia have once again beaten their ploughshares into weapons and allowed their differences to blossom into armed combat. These ancient civilizations, once allies against the hated Turks, have now taken up arms against one another. This conflict may have eluded mainstream media coverage in that the aggression has not erupted on the plains of Gamar or in the mountains of Amonos but in a far more obscure location...in the pews of The Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. The combatants are rival tribes of monks and the weapons- brooms and mops.
It seems that three orders of monks share the maintenance chores for this Church said to be the birthplace of Jesus Christ. The privilege of cleaning and maintaining the church has been a constant battle among factions of the Catholic religion. A fragile status quo exists among the three groups: one Roman Catholic, one Armenian and one Greek Orthodox. Each group cleans a certain designated section and there is frequently trouble on or near the borders.The conflict extends back centuries. In the 1800's Czar Nicholas sent troops to restore a balance he felt was tipping too far toward the Catholics. Must have been a slow day in Moscow.
The fight (and it was a fight) erupted along the border between the Armenians and the Greeks. The amazing aspect of this conflict is that there isn't a Jew or Arab in sight (or on site either). The Holy War of the Dustbin is entirely the province of the Catholics. For the moment, order has been restored but as we all know about religious squabbles in that region, peace is only as permanent as the closest O-cedar and a monk who knows how to use it.
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Room for The Holy Ghost
Skaneateles High School, nestled in the pastoral lakes region of upstate New York, has become ground zero in the war on sin. Principal Georgette Hoskins has determined that the Winter Ball will have to be cancelled this year because the students will not refrain from "grinding" during slow dances. Ms. Hoskins has tried everything short of limiting the music selection to polkas and the Texas two-step but all to no avail. "Our students dance like they were magnetized" one teacher lamented. Unable to pry the boys away from the girls and, convinced that dirty dancing is called dirty for a reason, cancelling the big winter dance was the school's only recourse.
Grinding played a major role in the sex life of the denizens of St. Nicholas of Tolentine parish in the Bronx. Actually it was my entire sex life for all of high school. Outside of an intimate moment with a stranger on an overcrowded subway, rubbing against a real live girl in the school gym was as good as it got. Our dances were heavily chaperoned (something like one parent per couple) but we were nevertheless able to get pretty close for brief periods. Some girls were convinced that this activity would lead to pregnancy (a bit of misinformation the nuns did nothing to correct) but most of the girls were semi-willing participants. The idea of cancelling our dances due to slow-dance contact would be like cancelling skiing due to snow.
Ms. Hoskins, we beg you to reconsider. If you are concerned about full body contact, encourage the girls to wear a catcher's chest protector or prohibit the boys from showering a week before the dance. Better yet hire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as the house band. Catchy!
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Shave and a Haircut ...ten years
Oh those Amish! Twelve members of a breakaway (read: lunatic) Amish sect were arrested and charged by the FBI with a hate crime. It seems that Samuel Mullet (that's really his name) and a group of his followers have been attacking other Amish folk and cutting their beards and hair. (Presumably it was the men who were being de-bearded and the women scalped but the story doesn't specify.) Also unclear is the nature of the unauthorized barbering. In a perfect world the top of the head or the center of the beard would be left long and the sides cut close. Reverend Mullet was assisted by Brother Soulpatch who left the men with only a small square of beard just below the lip. Also charged in this dastardly deed were Brother Bob, Brother Buzzcut and his crew, Reverand Moptop, and Sister Pixie. Sister Helmet-head was not with the attackers which explains why none of the women looked like Callista Gingrich.
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How Can They Tell?
Mexico City has closed its main city dump which , in its heyday (can a dump have a heyday?) recieved 12,000 tons of trash every day. The dump was closed because it was bigger than Mexico City itself. "People couldn't tell which was the dump and which was the city" said Mayor Marcelo Ebrard. "Actually the dump smelled a little bit better and the food was much better" said the Mayor. The dump had fallen on hard times recently because citizens were being encouraged to take a bag of garbage over the border when they entered the US illegally. Why not?" said Mayor Ebrard. "It helps us at home and the bags can be used as floatation devices. It's a Win-Win."
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