Folks in Oklahoma say the only good thing to come out of Texas is Interstate 40. That's not entirely true. Texas and its Texicans are also responsible for some of the stupidest, absurd and tone-deaf statements ever uttered in the history of political discourse. Think Governor Perry and his interest in secession.Why should you be surprised? 38% of Texans believe that man was created by God in pretty much his present form. More than half of them refuse to believe that humans evolved from other animals. (All the more amazing considering the knuckle-draggers that compose the U. of T. football team.) A stirring 31% (that's a third for you Texans) think that men rode around on dinosaurs. Lewis Black suggested that Texas schools should teach students that The Flintstones is not a documentary.
It should therefore come as no surprise that the people of Texas would elect as one of their representatives to Congress, this month's nominee for Asshat of the Year, Joe Barton. Joe comes to us from the sixth Congressional District, a lovely swath of nothing that gerry-meanders south and east of Dallas. Since 1984, when he replaced another Mensa candidate Phil Gramm, Joe has distinguished himself in two areas: he has sucked up more oil company money than Hugo Chavez and, (surprise, surprise) he has been a continuous speed bump on the road to energy independence and climate change legislation.
Normally his record of obstructionism would simply relegate Congressman Barton to the historical landfill to keep company with 200 years of other Republicans bought and paid for by mining companies, refinery operators, chemical manufacturers and other polluters and plunderers. However, Congressman Barton wasn't content to sit on the sidelines and reinforce our opinion of flat-earth certainists. Joe felt the need to grab the microphone on the morning of Thursday, June 17th and ensure his legacy as the worst toady for big business since the industrial revolution.
Joe Barton stood up before God, everybody and Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum, and apologized for the cruel and heartless way the Obama Administration has treated our oil company brothers. He lambasted the President for "shaking down" those poor, pure-hearted victims at BP who, after all, are as blameless as the pelicans and the shrimp in the Gulf. Drilling with untested methods at depths where accidents are virtually unfixable, sacrificing safety for speed (and profit) were all just regrettable mistakes. They said they were sorry. What more do we need?
Fortunately, America was spared Joe Barton's presence in Congress on Dec 8th. 1941. "Mr. Speaker, I rise today to condemn President Roosevelt's disgraceful response to the accidental discharge of military munitions on the Islands of Hawaii by the benevolent Empire of Japan. A declaration of war is clearly an overreaction to what was, without question, a miscalculation on the part of Japanese naval and air force personnel. The United States should apologize to the Japanese Government for attempting to shoot down Imperial planes who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time." Of course this little flight of fancy presupposes the Japanese had been major campaign contributors.
The silver lining in Joe Barton's cloud is that we have, at long last, discovered the outer limits of Republican stupidity. The holy trinity of right-wing nuttiness, Sarah, Rush and Glenn, have been speechless. Even his own party has thrown Joe under the natural gas-powered bus. Joe Bonner, Republican of Alabama, called Congressman Barton's comments "stupid and insensitive" OUCH! When the guy from Alabama calls you stupid, that leaves a mark.
Faster than you can say drill baby drill, John Boehner and Eric Cantor were in Barton's office explaining the political facts of life to him. Boehner and Cantor are what pass for the brain trust in the GOP. They suggested an immediate un-apology to BP and a new apology to every man, woman, and child in Louisiana. Failure to comply would result in Joe being reassigned to a committee investigating the average depth and breath of cow pies in West Texas. Having stepped in one the size of Dallas, Mr. Barton would be something of an expert.
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