...or should the Sunderland family be the new stars of Survivor...Somalia?

Abby Sunderland is home safe and sound. Ms. Sunderland was rescued from the Indian Ocean while attempting to become the youngest moron to sail around the world...alone...blindfolded...with one hand tied behind her...navigating only with a toothbrush...in an inner tube...whatever.

BFD.

OK maybe that's a little harsh but exactly who am I supposed to feel compassion for in this story? First let's talk about the parents. Someone please explain to me why Laurence and Maryanne Sunderland aren't in a cell next to balloon-boy asshat Richard Heene. When you use your children in dangerous stunts so you can be on cable TV (at least the Heene child wasn't actually in the balloon) you should get your wish; think America's Most Wanted. Think "Survivor" meets "Biggest Loser". These people are criminals. We don't give TV shows to wife beaters or sexually abusive parents. Why would we consider anything but jail time for people who send their 16 year old daughter into the Indian Ocean during the winter? Even Captain Jack Sparrow knows better than that.

Now the relieved parents are protesting the $300,000 tab being presented by the Australian government for rescuing sweet Abby. If she had been grabbed by Somali pirates the bill would have been considerably nastier...but think what a reality show that would have made.

I am mystified by the fixation with "youngest person ever to ...whatever". Most home runs in a major league season, I get. Longest number of minutes holding one's breath, maybe. Feats of daring performed by high school kids... no! Well maybe fastest unhooking of a bra in the backseat of a Chevy but that's it. If the nice people at the Guinness Brewing Co had known that their Book of Records (produced originally as a promotional item to settle bar bets) would become an excuse for child abuse, they more than likely would have opted for bar coasters instead. Face it, you don't know the name of the youngest player to ever play in the Majors or the youngest kid to climb Everest. "Youngest" records are a triviality that never merit more than a few lines in the morning paper...unless the kid is killed.