News and Views:
Item
Fresh from his brilliant victories in Afghanastan and Iraq, George W. Bush has sent American AC-130 attack helicopters into Somalia. Having successfully rid the Middle East of the terrorist threat, this attack was intended to destroy the few scattered al-Qaida bases in East Africa.
This assault is the first in the President's new global initiative to combat terrorism. Code-named "Attack Any Nation That Can't Possibly Respond" Mr. Bush said that countries such as Togo, Nauru, Benin and Tuvalu had better not be discovered hiding terrorists. Al-Qaida officials, currently attending their annual meeting at the Frankfurt Convention Center, were unavailable for comment.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The Vatican has accepted the resignation of Bishop Stanislaw Wielgus, Archbishop of Warsaw, who is accused of collaborating with the Polish secret police during the bad old days of Soviet domination. Thusfar, the only details are from the Archbishop himself. He stated that, in order to obtain permission to travel abroad, he was required to observe and report back to the Polish police anything he heard or saw. Archbishop Wielgus said that he never told them anything.
Is the Catholic Church so flush with qualified candidates for important bishoprics that it can afford to cashier someone for not informing? Didn't the American CIA request that journalists in communist countries do the same thing back in the '50's? Either there's more to this story that the CC doesn't want out, or Archbishop Wielgus is being punished for a thirty year old transgression.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
This week is the Detroit Auto Show and I have a question. Every year American car companies make a big deal of showing us their "concept cars". So why is it that, year after year, showrooms are loaded with the same old boring, unreliable, gas guzzlers? It's not your father's Oldsmobile. It's your grandfather's Oldsmobile. Hey! Mr. Ford, I have a concept for you. How's about you actually build and sell one of those concept cars. What could it hurt? Nobody's buying the stuff you're making now!
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Tony Guinn and Cal Ripkin have been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. In a related story, Mark McGuire, famed home run hitter of the 90's, was denied induction amid alligations of steroid use. A spokesperson for the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY said that the directors of the facility were grateful that Mr. McGuire's induction would be delayed in that the Steriod Wing of the building is not yet complete.
Designed to house the busts of Mr. Mcguire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Raphal Palmeiro the new space is equipped with a four-story ceiling and double-wide doors. Fun house-type mirrors will be available so that kids can see what they will look like when they begin to use the "Bobby Bonds Vitamin Supplements" available in the gift shop. A copy of Jose Conseco's book, "Juiced" will be available for all visitors.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Tony Snow, White House Press Secretary, was hard at work yesterday trying to make some sort of lemonade out of the lemons served up by the administration. Watching Mr. Snow present coherent, well-articulated reasons as to why the current administration acts as it does, a light went on. Why don't we make Tony Snow the President? At least Secretary of Defense?
Hear me out. He seems to have a better grasp on what George is doing than George does. He's certainly more capable of explaining it. He uses multisyllabic words and he never screws them up. He's better looking and has way better hair.
Actually, if Tony took over today and they locked George in a foot locker in an "undisclosed location", no one would know 'til next Christmas when he didn't show up to light the tree.
Just a thought!
No comments:
Post a Comment