As Tea-baggers prepare to convocate in Nashville (at $595 a head), the staff at isitjustme has been busy developing our own set of new laws, rules and suggestions. Please feel free to add anything that fits:
1) The law enforcement community should be required to create a voluntary "Mug-shot Database" for all Americans, especially those in the public sphere. Permitting citizens to come in for a mug-shot on their own time when they look their best would prevent the sort of horrid portraits that appear in the media after one has been arrested. Titled The Nolte/Torn Protocol, anyone anticipating a bust for drunken driving, indecent exposure, waving a gun around an empty bank or just general stupidity can have their picture taken in advance thus avoiding the career halting embarrassment of an ad hoc photo. The recent arrest of actor Rip Torn, with the attendant frightening cameo should be the only incentive required to encourage this concept.
2) Restaurants are hereby prohibited from delineating their restroom facilities with anything but signs that say "Men" and "Women". No more roosters and hens. You shouldn't have to be an expert in animal husbandry to successfully choose the correct lavatory. Mexican restaurants can dispense with drawings of sombrero-clad males and petticoat-wearing women. Also to be avoided are "Hombres" and "Senoritas". High school Spanish was a requirement for a diploma not a trip to the toilet. A person shouldn't have to make a detour to Berlitz on the way to the can. It's a water closet not a statement of restaurant chic. A woman shouldn't have to wander into a string of urinals only to discover she missed the cute depiction of Zeus on the door instead of the drawing of Aphrodite one door down.
3) A note to people who send Spanish Prisoner letters (those letters that promise a seven figure payout in return for help in rescuing a fortune from a foreign country, most recently Nigeria): at least dress it up a bit. The letters I've received lately have no letterhead, only brief explanations of the scam and no signature. They didn't even bother to hit the "rich text" bar. Seriously folks. A little effort, please. How do you expect to steal money from greedy, gullible people if you don't make your bogus letter look plausible? These notes are so lame even Glenn Beck knows they are fake. Without a little window-dressing, even the Tea-baggers won't be fooled, and they believe everything.
4) Congress should decree that anyone with a driver's license be required to purchase an EasyPass. Let's get with the program, folks! It's 2010. You have a debit card. You have a cell phone. Stop holding up traffic on America's highways while you fish around in your ashtray for another quarter.
5) And while we're on the subject, no more check-writing in supermarkets. Use cash or use a card. My ice cream is melting back here and my beer is getting warm while you hunt for a pen. The Declaration of Independence took less time to write than checks from shoppers who ask the clerk six times how much their broccoli cost. While we're young, people!
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