...or do the Winter Olympics leave you cold?

Quickly...regarding Sarah Palin's speech at the Tea-baggers party in Nashville: we will devote no more space to a person who abuses the opposition for using a teleprompter, but needs to write notes on her hands. Seriously, all friends of intelligent government are encouraged to send a contribution to the Sister Sarah for President Campaign Committee. I'm begging this moose-burger to run.

Now, back to the important stuff:

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Face it. No one in America gives a royal rat's ass about the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We don't have any heroes who play in the snow. Most of the fans of NHL hockey players (about 200 at last count) will have divided loyalties watching their idols play for Russia, Sweden, or the Czech Republic. Having just watched the New Orleans Saints beat the Colts, and with baseball's spring training camps opening soon, no one cares who wins the two-man bobsled or the luge. Most Americans imagine biathlon as having something to do with cross-dressing. Quick: name America's entry in cross-country skiing.

To be honest, Americans don't have much of a selection of name brand winter sportspeople. Our scant collection of recognizable winter competitors includes Bode Miller, world renowned pot-smoker and all around loose cannon. Having staggered and stumbled to a fifth place finish in Turin in 2006, Miller is stoked (or possibly toked) to be every bit as disappointing in Vancouver. He is hoping to improve his performance this time around, especially because he has signed on with a new sponsor: Zig Zag Rolling Papers.

America will also be cheering for another Turin retread, Apolo Ohno. Mr. Ohno won speed-skating gold in Salt Lake City in 2002 when the South Korean skater that beat him was disqualified. Who knew there were Mulligans in speed-skating? Ohno, age 27, will try for gold in the 1,500 meter race, which will demand that he remain upright for the entire race. Best of luck to Mr. Ohno.

Speed-skating also features another rare sight: an African American winter Olympian. Shani Davis, who won gold in Turin, is returning to attempt a record-tying five gold medals in a single Olympics. Davis, a Chicago native, will ensure that the number of black Americans tuning in to the Games will rise by the exact size of his immediate family.

While it's true that Americans perform really well in snow-boarding, everyone knows that those events aren't "real" Winter Olympic Sports. They were only included because the American TV audience had no rooting interest in curling. Snow-boarding is to winter sports what surfing or skate-boarding would be to the summer games: an excuse to watch adolescents try to kill themselves. Skate-boarding behind a moving bus would have the same appeal.

The perennial favorite of both women and sensitive men (read gay) has always been figure skating. This year's field includes the usual complement of gifted, dedicated kids no one has ever heard of or will remember much past the nightly news. The definition of "sport" will again be challenged as Scott Hamilton, Dick Button and Peggy Fleming guide us through endless triple axels, Salchows and Lutz Jumps. For all you skating neanderthals, a Lutz Jump is a toe-pick assisted jump with an entrance from a back outside edge and landing on the back outside edge of the opposite foot. Now don't you feel dumb?

Figure skating has always drawn the highest rating of all winter events. Women love it and men just like looking up those little itsy bitsy skirts. (Right, I'm the only one!) Actually, men are also fascinated by how male skaters are able to compress their packages into those tight costumes. This may explain why most male figure skaters never have children.

So enjoy the Games. Marvel at the opening ceremonies, which are interrupted by more commercials than the Baseball Home Run Derby. Be amazed by the parade of athletes featuring more white people in one place since the Republican National Convention. Ask yourself why anyone but a blood relative would stand on a mountain in subzero weather to watch American Lindsay Vonn shuush by at 70 mph. Express wonder at anyone paying $200 apiece to watch something called Women's skeleton. (Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with bulimia. Who knew?)