...or will the loss of newspapers offend the fish industry?

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Troubles continue to mount for poor Michael Steele. No sooner does he bow and scrape his way out of trouble with the all-powerful King Rush, now he is desperately attempting to explain his way out of the greatest Republican sin of all, the capacity to think for himself. In the words of that great American, Frank Burns, "Individually is fine, so long as we all do it together".


In an interview for GQ (not normally the pinnacle of Republican orthodoxy) Mr. Steele allowed that homosexuality is not a matter of choice and abortion is. Holy platform, Batman! It isn't bad enough that the head of the RNC doesn't look like everybody in the Republican party, he doesn't think like them either.
This situation has put the leaders of the GOP in a terrible spot. If they jettison Michael Steele, the closest thing the Republicans will have to a black member will be Bobby Jindal and John Boehner. (Boehner appears to have purchased all the skin pigmentation that Michael Jackson wasn't using.) Besides, candidates willing to swim toward the sinking Republican ship aren't exactly lining up around the block. It would be easier to hire a food taster for Rush Limbaugh.

WANTED: FOOD TASTER FOR RUSH LIMBAUGH Must be courageous and really quick with a fork.



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Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa, ever anxious to prove that Mid-Westerners aren't just about American ideals, has suggested a Japanese solution to the problem of AIG and their bonuses. The Senator proposes that the offending executives: 1) apologize to America (he was unclear as to whether they should apologize for taking the money or running the American economy off a cliff) and 2) killing themselves. Resignation was proposed as an option to suicide but discounted as less desirable for TV ratings. This statement was met with outrage by the Japanese who understand that seppuku is an honorable death and therefore totally unsuitable for any American executive.


The Democrats have promised a vigorous challenge for Sen. Grassley's Senate seat in 2010. Doctor Jack Kevorkian is considered an early frontrunner.



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Meanwhile, back in Iowa...the State Department of Naming Stuff has decided to rename the Department of Elder Affairs (presumably to alleviate confusion regarding geriatric love trysts) to the Department of Aging. Senior citizens were predictably outraged that the new acronym for their primary government agency was DOA.