As the drama of the Democratic National Convention abates (hey, after the Clintons speak it's just one big balloon drop) all eyes will turn to Minneapolis. Senator McCain will presumably have chosen a running mate (think Dan Quayle without the warm smile). Republicans from all over America will gather around their Philco radios to hear the speeches that will reaffirm their core, Christian, neocon narrow-minded beliefs. From Monday to Thursday next week they will learn about the evil, liberal, junior Senator from godless Chicago. The word will go forth from the party leadership about how the country is on the verge of destruction at the hands of gays, abortionists and cut-and-run pacifists. The GOP has hand-picked a string of stalwart sons of conservatism to carry the torch of orthodoxy across the airwaves to the faithful.
Because the lead-off hitter sets the tone for the entire convention, the Republicans have selected, wait for it, an East-coast Jew...Joe Lieberman. That's right! The man that America would most likely want to have a glass of Mogan David with, will forgo his lifelong liberal stands on abortion and gay unions (he's in favor of both) for the shock value of standing with the Republican faithful. The single issue which binds Lieberman to McCain and possibly the rest of GOPdom is his support for the Iraq war. Apparently the RNC was able to overlook Joe's support for affirmative action, women's rights, the Clean Air Act of 1990 (he co-sponsored), no drilling in the ANWR and gun control. This is my kind of conservative.
Following Lieberman is everybody's favorite terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger. As the current Governor of California, Ahhnol brings his impressive neocon record to the podium. Details include an initiative to curb greenhouse gas emissions that was so extensive the White House got it squashed, a defense of marijuana use, and a stated admiration for Adolf Hitler. (Granted, that was a long time ago but so was McCain's incarceration.) Gov. Schwarzenegger will apparently lecture on the minimal dangers of sleeping with Democrats, should McCain choose Lieberman as his running mate.
Having absorbed about as much of this conservative orthodoxy as they can stand, listeners get a break as the comic relief takes center stage...Dick Cheney. As the man whose smile once made Hannibal Lecter give up liver, Cheney will be a welcome relief from the political ramblings of his predecessors. Cheney has no political position on anything. He only ran for vice president because he was taller than Karl Rove. He will speak about how, if you have no actual soul, anything is possible. The actual title of the speech is "How to be Number One While Disguised as a Giant Steaming Pile of Number Two".
The convention gets better after Monday night. Rudy Giuliani will lead off on Tuesday and he will be joined by Fred Thompson. The two non-nominated politicians will discourse on the fact that 90% of life may be just showing up, but it's no way to be nominated for President. Tom Ridge will follow with an explaination of how his department of Homeland Security came up with all those alert colors.
Cindy McCain will speak on Wednesday. Her remarks will include a clarification of that "how many houses do you own" thing. Most of them are hers, so she should know. This was an unfair criticism from the start. It's like asking Ferdinand Marcos how many pair of shoes his wife owned. (Had he been asked, his response would no- doubt include his incarceration at the hands of the Vietnamese).
It only gets better from there folks so, if you don't have TIVO, get ready to pop a blank tape in the old VCR. This promises to be better than your wedding video.
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