More news you can't use:
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A college student in Tampa, Florida was jailed for two days after reporting that she was raped. It seems that the local cops found an old warrant which was filed when the woman, then a teenager, failed to pay restitution for a theft. Ignoring her rape complaint, the police tossed her in jail.
While incarcerated, an employee of the jail refused to give the student the second dose of her morning-after contraceptive, siting religious convictions. It's rare when a person can become the victim of a rapist, a boneheaded police dept. and a over zealous Christian jailer all at once. Where's Johnnie Cochran when you really need him?
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Prime Minister Tony Blair received another visit from the metropolitan police regarding the accusation that his administration sold knighthoods in return for campaign contributions. When the story broke, Donald Trump fired three aids for failing to inform him that he could have bought a peerage. Trump railed at his staff, "I could been a knight. Everybody would have had to called me Sir Donald or Lord Trump. I could have put my name all over everything. No wait! I do that now." Having been unable to buy his way to legitimacy, Trump is relegated to being called what he has always been called, America's most self-important asshole.
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In a last desperate attempt to keep his administration from being compared favorably to that of Warren G. Harding, George W. Bush has allocated $130 million in the 2008 budget to alleviate traffic congestion. We may have suffered 25,000 killed or wounded in Iraq but those lucky enough to make it back will find traffic moving much better.
The Bush team is hard at work on the 2009 budget which will include: stiff penalties for supermarket managers who don't open additional registers when lines are long, fines for people who use the gym equipment for more than 30 minutes, financial rewards for good little children who eat their vegetables and a plan to save all of God's furry little creatures from whatever.
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Has anyone noticed that President Bush no longer refers to American military involvement in Iraq as "The Coalition of the Willing" or "America and its Allies". Even the President has been forced to abandon the fig leaf that this is anything more than America's Invasion and America's War. The facts bear him out. U.S. dead now totals 3,099. That compares with: 133 Brits, 33 Italians, 18 Poles, etc. to a total of 254.
Most of America's "allies" in the conflict haven't committed enough manpower to fill a jeep. Fortunately, the President hasn't asked any other country to contribute troops to the "surge". He would look pretty silly congratulating Estonia or Moldavia for their committment.
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"We have met the enemy and he is us." Pogo.
If anyone in the Middle East is looking for Jamal Jafaar Mohammad, convicted murderer in the bombing of the US and French embassies in Kuwait in 1983, look no further. Jamal is sitting right next to Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki in the American-backed government of Iraq where he was elected to the Council of Representatives in 2005. Pretty clever, eh? Mr. Mohammad's parliamentary immunity prevents him from being returned to Kuwait where he is under a sentence of death since 1984. He decided not to stick around for the trial. Democracy can be sooooo messy.
Perhaps we could persuade Mr. Mohammad to run for office in the United States where no such immunity exists.
American intelligence officials are now combing the class picture of the current ruling body in Iraq to see if perhaps Osama is "hiding" there as Secretary of Health and Human Services. You just never know.
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Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arraigned on charges including attempted murder, attempted kidnapping, destruction of evidence and battery. It seems that Ms. Nowak drove all the way from Houston to Orlando to attack fellow NASA employee Captain Coleen Shipman in a dispute over the affections of shuttle Captain Bill Oefelein. You can't make this stuff up.
Ms. Nowak confronted Ms. Shipman in the parking garage of the Orlando Airport and maced her while Ms. Shipman sat in her car. I guess Captain Bill has the Right Stuff. (Wink, wink).
In case you were wondering what shuttle astronauts were doing during those long days and nights in space, they were joining the eight-mile-high club. "Hey Lisa, want to do it weightless?"
Considering the complete lack of interest expressed by the public regarding the space program maybe this is a good thing. At least NASA is on the front page of the papers again and without those unfortunate incendiary videos.
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Rev. Ted Haggard is cured.
The Rev. Tim Ralph (that's his real name) of Larkspur, Colo. has told the Denver Post that, after three weeks of intense counseling, Ted Haggard is no longer homosexual. You may remember Rev. Ted as the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. He was outed around Christmas by a male prostitute who mentioned the Rev's proclivity for champagne and methamphetamine, oh, and young boys.
Exactly how Rev. Ralph was able to ascertain that Ted was free of the homosexual devil is difficult to say. Perhaps he diddled a nurse before leaving the treatment center and requested directions to the Gold Club. In any event, it's certainly encouraging to know that this degenerate will henceforth only be directing his perverse nature toward women.
Glory hallelujah!
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In the Northern Italian city of Mantova, archeologists have discovered two skeletons locked in an eternal embrace. (Hopefully they are not of the same sex.)
Experts believe that the couple, buried more than 5,000 years ago, were able to stay together this long due to the fact that neither one could speak.
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