Things that happened while the GOP candidates were traveling from New Hampshire to South Carolina:
Doing nothing for the stereotype
In Warsaw, Poland last week an Army Colonel tried to shoot himself in his office and missed. Col. Mikolaj Przybyl called reporters into his office to defend his work as a military prosecutor. Asking to be left alone for a moment the reporters heard a shot. Col.Przybyl was wounded (he didn't miss completely) but will recover. Well, he will recover his health. The same cannot be said for his dignity. The Polish Army has initiated a new intensive marksmanship program which will include an explanation of end of a pistol fires the projectile. As for the hospitalized colonel, the Polish government has asked that, in lieu of flowers, send vowels.
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Where are they now?
Well, we know what happened to Joe Hazelwood. The former captain of the Exxon Valdez has apparently landed a great gig training ships captains for Costa Crociere, owners of the Costa Concordia. In case you haven't seen the Costa Concordia, a birds eye view is available from the western shore of Italy. You can look right down the stacks. It appears that the captain, one Francesco Schettino, wanted a closer look at some beachfront property he was thinking of buying and strayed just a bit too close to shore.
The Italian crew of the damaged ship responded exactly as you would expect from barely trained minimum wage workers. Their scant knowledge of the lifeboats was just sufficient to allow them to jump in and escape. Most of the crew were in a hotel bar on the Tuscan island of Giglio before the passengers realized there was a problem. The captain, who is currently commanding a jail cell in Rome, maintains that he acted properly. Proper action unfortunately, did not include going down with his ship. He was futility directing evacuation efforts from a cafe in Athens. In retirement, Winston Churchill was asked why he preferred Italian cruise ships to the Brittish. He gave three reasons 1) the food, 2) the service, 3) " in time of an emergency there's none of this nonsense about women and children first".
It is impossible not to note that this tragedy happened just three months shy of the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic. In the intervening years we have made great strides in both ship safety and crew training. Chiefly, we have learned to sink our cruise ships closer to shore and in slightly warmer water. We have also improved crew training. When the Titanic went down, 693 crewmen went with her, 68% of the total. By 2012 not a single crewman was lost.
Full disclosure. One crewman was apparently lost. It was discovered on Thursday that a member of the ship's orchestra drowned when he attempted to retrieve his violin. Talk about selfless!
The moral of this story is, check the pedigree of the crew before you take a cruise. If they look like they got their training by watching episodes of Gilligan's Island, take a train.
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All Hat no Cattle
Rick Perry is out. Governor Perry was the gift that kept on giving and the loss of his Stetson in the ring will be missed. Nevertheless, like the pantheon of wannabees before him, Rick gave America a glimpse of what a candidate should and should not do if he (or she) wishes to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate:
1) If you're going to recommend elimination of specific government agencies and there are only three, you might want to either remember them or write them down. Jesus, Ron Paul can rattle off five and he's 77 years old. Perry wanted to eliminate the Education Dept but based on his debate performance he may wish to rethink that idea.
2) Stay on your meds. Seriously, some of Gov. Perry's speeches sounded as though they came straight out of One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest. There's a difference between "off the leash" and rabies.
3) Try not to dumb down the contest to the point where even teabaggers question your intelligence. Conservatives don't mind actually being stupid. They just don't want to appear stupid on TV...all the time.
4) Stop acting as though your home state were somehow a qualification; especially if you are from a place where men wear cowboy boots with a suit.
So hasta la vista Governor Perry. The music stopped and there was no chair for you. Thanks for playing. Here's a copy of the home game. Don't forget to tip your campaign manager. I'm sure the people of the great state of Texas will someday forgive you for reinforcing all the stereotypes we already had about them.
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Light at the End of the Tunnel
Just when you thought that your television had morphed into a festering cesspool of reality shows that proved the only people more depraved than the contestants were the audience, along comes Downton Abby. Currently in its second season, this Brit Lit production is garnering a large and loyal following both here and across the pond. It would appear that aspirational Americans like to imagine themselves as lords and ladies of the manner even if most of the audience should more properly identify with the laundresses and the footmen.
Although the series owes much to Upstairs Downstairs and even Remains of the Day, Downton Abby is original material. No Jane Austin, no Emily Bronte. Even Anthony Hopkins stayed away. Apparently the American fascination with the British upper class and their servants is more enduring than we thought.
Considering that the last time most Americans tuned into PBS was to watch reruns of Benny Hill, Downton Abby has at least reminded us that we have something called Public Television. Having been told by Fox News that PBS is a den of communist liberals, the public now knows that there are actually good shows over there beside Sesame Street. Anyway, Sesame Street is clearly a cauldron of liberal ideas; Bert and Ernie living together being only the most obvious. However, any programming that pulls people out of TMZ and Bridezilla has to be a force for good. So pip, pip and good show Downton Abby. Even without the Ministry of Silly Walks and the Dead Parrot, Britian still rules the waves...well, the airwaves anyway.
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