My fellow Americans, I have asked you here today to discuss an issue that should be of paramount importance to the entire country. It would appear that, in spite of eight years of the most corrupt, inept, ham-handed, cynical government since Tricky Dick, nothing has changed. At a time when even Kansas is looking for candidates that stand for something...anything, the political podium is still populated with wannabes pandering to what is dumbest and most derisive in America.
As exhibit "A" please direct your attention to the ten geniuses running for the Republican nomination for president. During the first debate, held under the wing of a mothballed Air Force One, the "Gang of Ten" was asked how many of them believed in evolution. No foolin'! That's like asking how many believe that the theory of aerodynamics allows planes to fly. This was a chance for ten, presumably educated men, to join the entire scientific community and every American with an IQ of two digits, to proclaim that, faith aside, evolution was an established, scientific fact.
Well America, I hope you're happy with 70% because three of your presidential hopefuls reject what every scientist, including the Professor on Gilligan's Island, knows to be true. For those keeping score, this particular hall of shame includes Tom Tancredo, Sam Brownback (from Kansas. What a surprise!) and the Rev. Mike Huckabee. Thankfully, no follow-up questions were asked regarding the spherical nature of the Earth or the color of the dairy product that constitutes the composition of the Moon.
Now, you and I both know that every red-voting, Iraq-supporting, gun-loving, Jesus-hugging member of the "Republican Ten" has accepted evolution as a certainty. Several of them have had to make some sort of accommodation with their religious beliefs but it is impossible for anyone who has read anything more technical that "The Pet Goat" to reject evolution as anything but settled science. Gentlemen please, if you feel the urge to have your Christian right credentials stamped in public, stay with abortion and gay rights. At least that brands you as nothing more than a garden-variety cretin. Try not to add "Luddite" to your curriculum vitae.
I believe that the vast majority of voting America, if they watch these debates at all, wants to see a little backbone. So far, with a few exceptions, all of these candidates are leaning so far to the right that the Republican ship is listing to starboard (more, even, than usual). It took Rudi "the cross-dressing mayor" Giuliani to admit that he is in favor of a women's right to choose and even then he promised to appoint conservative judges who would, presumably, overturn Roe.
John McCain, who actually had some integrity in 2000, can't bring himself to state that the Bush administration has made a complete hash out of Iraq. He wrings his hands over "mistakes" and "missteps" without ever speaking the obvious... that no self-respecting soldier or general would follow George W. Bush into a men's room let alone into combat. I guess that McCain learned that principles, especially controversial ones, won't get you the nomination. Wrong!
McCain wasn't beaten in 2000 because he had core beliefs that differed from the Republican mainstream. He lost because he had beliefs at all. The "Party" (read Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove, Wolfowicz, et al) wanted a lite-weight puff ball with an identifiable name and as little upstairs as possible. Hello George! If the Republicans could have found a dim bulb named Reagan, GWB would be clearing brush in Crawford for a living as we speak.
Just for the record, Hillary Clinton is doing the same dance on the Democratic stage. It seems that she is in favor of the war but, if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn't have voted for it. Well, that settles that. I assume that that theory also applies to her marriage. (Sorry!)
Sadly, I suspect that none of the Republican Presidential hopefuls are reading my pearls of wisdom. If however, six degrees of separation brings any of my thoughts to the attention of any candidate, I'm begging you, Stand for Something. Take a position. Dare to be different. Even if you don't get to be President, you'll sleep better...unless, of course the theory of gravity is just a theory, in which case you'll just float around all night.
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