Eliot, Eliot...where did we go wrong? We sent you to Horace Mann, to Princeton, to Harvard Law. You married the shikseh from North Carolina. You got the best jobs with the best firms. The people of New York literally swept you into the governor's mansion. You had it all. All you had to do was follow your heart and your brain to Washington. Following your johnson was never part of the plan.
I blame George W. Bush. Actually, I blame GWB for the Lincoln shooting and for the Cubs blowing a big lead in 1969. However, if you can't blame George, how about Richard M. Nixon? If he hadn't made the Army a volunteer force, maybe Gov. Spitzer would have been drafted. Part of his basic training would have included watching the training film, "Hello, Sailor." That lesson might have prevented all of this unpleasantness. As it is, the only good thing to come of the Governor's transgression is that writers for Leno and Letterman are arriving for work at dawn every day.
Several questions have surfaced in the wake of the "Spitzer issue":
What does a women have to do to earn $4,000 (aside from the obvious stuff like do your taxes, wax your car, or paint your house)? I like to think of myself as reasonably degenerate, and I can't get passed about $42.50. (This lack of imagination may explain my lack of success with women.) Maybe they do it on a bed of Krugeraands. During the Clinton years they could have used the Lincoln bedroom and the $4,000 would have been a campaign contribution.
If Client #9 (you really can't make this stuff up) was the Gov., who were numbers 1-8? Were they assigned by length of their membership or the length of their member? Was Spitzer named after the love potion? Spitzer was also known as George Fox. Was that his nom-de-poon?
How does the Attorney General for the State of New York find his way to the Emperor's Club? Referral from Chuck Schumer? Did he Google "outrageously expensive whores who deliver to Washington, D.C.?" Did he try the Yellow Pages under "career-killers?"
Many men stray because things get a little chilly at home. If Eliot thought that his love life with Silda was frosty before... Did you see the look on his wife's face during the first press conference? She looked like she found out that Hannibal Lecter was her new gynocologist.
At any rate, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka Kristen, aka the party of the first part, joins the pantheon of bimbos that includes Donna Rice, Fannie Fox, Fawn Hall, Rita Jenrette and, of course, Queen Monica. The Topps Trading Card Co. is contemplating a new line of collectible trading cards including all of these ladies. It will be called Figures in History. (Hey! I'll trade you two Judith Campbells for an Elizabeth Ray.) There will be an entire sub-set called The Clinton Girls.
One imagines that Eliot Spitzer will survive. He's smart (if not too bright) and, if his predecessors' trip down the walk of shame is any indication, he will not end up as a greeter at the Mirage in Las Vegas. Some think-tank (studying the feasibility of gelding elected officials) will scoop him up. Perhaps a university needs a professor for a new field of study in "The Penis as an Organ for Change." The text will be written by Edward Kennedy.
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