Now I know that you think this is just another diatribe about the human political pretzel, Rudy Giuliani. You remember Rudy, the New York Liberal who is now doing the Jerry Falwell two-step. It was Rudy who recently explained to a gathering of the NRA that, while the towers were falling on 9-11 he was saying to himself, "if everyone owned a hand gun this might not have happened". This guy's got faster feet than Larry Craig (rim shot!). I can't imagine why everyone is so upset about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's attempt to visit Ground Zero. Frankly, when it comes to exploiting 9-11, Mahmoud has to get in line behind Rudy and George W.
But that's not the topic for today, boys and girls. Today's sermon is about an epiphany; specifically, mine. I have seen the light. Glory hallelujah.
I was sitting in a waiting room in a doctor's office, referral in hand, when it hit me. Our system of health insurance is really the best in the world. Screw the French. Socialized medicine is for wimps, commies and Hillary Clinton. America has it going on. If you have health coverage in America, you're golden. If you don't, tough beans. Stop whining and get a second job. Why should I pay for a bunch of slackers and people whose immigration status is questionable at best? I'm already paying for their malt liquor and their welfare Cadillacs.
This concept of privatization is the best idea America has come up with since the electoral college. And we have it all to ourselves. No other civilized country has a system like ours. All that's missing is the collective will to expand the concept.
We can start by changing the fire and police systems in American towns to a more entrepreneurial concept. Under this plan, anyone who wants fire and police protection should buy an individual insurance policy. Then, when your kitchen goes up in flames or someone breaks in and steals your 357 Magnum, you just call your friendly neighborhood fire dept or police dept. (don't forget to have a $20 on hand for the co-pay). If you're covered, they respond. If not, don't worry. There is always the "free" public police/fire dept. available for the uninsured. Of course, they are located twelve towns away and they may not respond until next month but, hey, it's free. Hell, why should I pay for police protection for the very people who commit most of the crimes..the poor? Why should I be responsible for the cost of fire response for dummies that have barbecues in their living rooms?
We need new bumper stickers that say "America for Americans...with money" or "The Only Free Ride in My Country is Back Across the Border".
My plan should receive considerable support from the average American. Most of the people who don't have health insurance are hard working folks in low-end jobs. They don't just shop at WalMart, they also stock the shelves and punch the cash registers.
Ironically, these are the very same people who profess to hate Hillary Clinton and all she stands for. These sons and daughters of the red states will pull a lever against gay marriage but not for someone trying to help them. They would rather believe the neo-con nutjobs who spread fear of increased taxes and two week waits at the emergency room. Well, my plan will lower their taxes by lowering the cost of local services. What could be more Republican than that? Fewer calls for help...fewer cops, fewer patrol cars. Infrequent fire dept responses cuts down on hose fatigue.
If you think that this sounds a cynical rant, remember that we have privatized many services that were once provided exclusively by local and national governments. Many prisons are now run by large corporations as is garbage collection. Packages once delivered by the post office now come via FedEx.
So the next time you're sitting around your doctor's waiting room perusing a copy of Leeches Today, remember how lucky we are here in America. We live in a land where doctors can make seven figure incomes while working fewer hours than George Bush. We have a system that practically demands that we work for large companies because the cost of private health coverage would choke Bill Gates. Ours is a country where being poor or underemployed is considered a social disease and a potentially fatal one.
But smile, my friends. We have health insurance. We have no worries...and apparently no conscience.
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