...or does George W. Bush live in a parallel universe?

Seriously!

The President was quoted this week on the subject of climate change. He said, "Our guiding principle is clear. We must lead the world to produce fewer greenhouse gas emissions, and we must do it in a way that does not undermine economic growth or prevent nations from delivering greater prosperity for their people." Translation: This administration is solidly behind any solution to climate change that doesn't harm Halliburton, (Cheney would never approve), or any of his polluting, corporate friends. One suspects that the only climate change that George W. is aware of is the noticeable chill he gets when he checks his approval rating.
But it is not by words alone that a man be judged but by his deeds. So let's take a look at the environmental record of this administration.

Florida had barely swept up all the chads from the counting room floor before George and his gang set to work heating up the planet by torching the Kyoto Accords. As with most global compromises, Kyoto had something in it for everyone to hate. Mostly, as the largest consumer of fossil fuels, the United States was required to do a lot of pollution reduction. Never mind that there would have been a considerable benefit to Americans in the form of cleaner air. American business was uninterested in being told to clean up its act. The United States would never have had to actually do anything. Just signing the documents would have made us look like a responsible world citizen.

However, an administration of cowboys and clueless, cultural conservatives has a different view. The world is America's sandbox and screw everyone else.



To show the new administration's commitment to the environment, George nominated Gail Norton to the post of Interior Secretary. Gail came to the job with considerable experience, having served as the PR flack for the timber industry. Gail proceeded to feed every piece of land and tree-saving legislation she could locate into a wood chipper. Gail abruptly left Washington just ahead of some awkward questions regarding an embarrassing "donation" from Smilin' Jack Abramoff. Jack probably needed approval to build a hotel/casino on the rim of the Grand Canyon.

Christine Todd Whitman became Bush's chief of the Environmental Protection Agency. Christine, a native of New Jersey, knew a bad smell when she smelled it and, having discovered that her primary role in the cabinet was to shut up and make the coffee, she quickly departed. Christine was replaced by (Hands, please. Anybody?) ...Stephen Johnson. Mr. Johnson maintains a profile that's so low his picture is now appearing on milk cartons in the EPA cafeteria. His background is scientific thus he spends his days dispensing antibiotics to the pigeons on the Mall lest they contract bird flu.

Thus we have an administration that has disabled or ignored every bit of environmental legislation since the ban on leaded gas. Now that Al Gore has an Oscar, and Emmy and a Nobel Prize (Can you imagine how much that frosts the White House?) because of his work on climate change, George has discovered the great outdoors.

You have to wonder whether this President thinks that we are the stupidest, most clueless people on the planet. Well, come to think of it, why wouldn't he? We elected him to the office...twice. If that's not clueless, what is?

...or is our health insurance system in the pink?

Now I know that you think this is just another diatribe about the human political pretzel, Rudy Giuliani. You remember Rudy, the New York Liberal who is now doing the Jerry Falwell two-step. It was Rudy who recently explained to a gathering of the NRA that, while the towers were falling on 9-11 he was saying to himself, "if everyone owned a hand gun this might not have happened". This guy's got faster feet than Larry Craig (rim shot!). I can't imagine why everyone is so upset about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's attempt to visit Ground Zero. Frankly, when it comes to exploiting 9-11, Mahmoud has to get in line behind Rudy and George W.

But that's not the topic for today, boys and girls. Today's sermon is about an epiphany; specifically, mine. I have seen the light. Glory hallelujah.

I was sitting in a waiting room in a doctor's office, referral in hand, when it hit me. Our system of health insurance is really the best in the world. Screw the French. Socialized medicine is for wimps, commies and Hillary Clinton. America has it going on. If you have health coverage in America, you're golden. If you don't, tough beans. Stop whining and get a second job. Why should I pay for a bunch of slackers and people whose immigration status is questionable at best? I'm already paying for their malt liquor and their welfare Cadillacs.

This concept of privatization is the best idea America has come up with since the electoral college. And we have it all to ourselves. No other civilized country has a system like ours. All that's missing is the collective will to expand the concept.

We can start by changing the fire and police systems in American towns to a more entrepreneurial concept. Under this plan, anyone who wants fire and police protection should buy an individual insurance policy. Then, when your kitchen goes up in flames or someone breaks in and steals your 357 Magnum, you just call your friendly neighborhood fire dept or police dept. (don't forget to have a $20 on hand for the co-pay). If you're covered, they respond. If not, don't worry. There is always the "free" public police/fire dept. available for the uninsured. Of course, they are located twelve towns away and they may not respond until next month but, hey, it's free. Hell, why should I pay for police protection for the very people who commit most of the crimes..the poor? Why should I be responsible for the cost of fire response for dummies that have barbecues in their living rooms?

We need new bumper stickers that say "America for Americans...with money" or "The Only Free Ride in My Country is Back Across the Border".

My plan should receive considerable support from the average American. Most of the people who don't have health insurance are hard working folks in low-end jobs. They don't just shop at WalMart, they also stock the shelves and punch the cash registers.

Ironically, these are the very same people who profess to hate Hillary Clinton and all she stands for. These sons and daughters of the red states will pull a lever against gay marriage but not for someone trying to help them. They would rather believe the neo-con nutjobs who spread fear of increased taxes and two week waits at the emergency room. Well, my plan will lower their taxes by lowering the cost of local services. What could be more Republican than that? Fewer calls for help...fewer cops, fewer patrol cars. Infrequent fire dept responses cuts down on hose fatigue.

If you think that this sounds a cynical rant, remember that we have privatized many services that were once provided exclusively by local and national governments. Many prisons are now run by large corporations as is garbage collection. Packages once delivered by the post office now come via FedEx.

So the next time you're sitting around your doctor's waiting room perusing a copy of Leeches Today, remember how lucky we are here in America. We live in a land where doctors can make seven figure incomes while working fewer hours than George Bush. We have a system that practically demands that we work for large companies because the cost of private health coverage would choke Bill Gates. Ours is a country where being poor or underemployed is considered a social disease and a potentially fatal one.

But smile, my friends. We have health insurance. We have no worries...and apparently no conscience.

...or is Blackwater just a little scary?

Just in case you haven't been following all the interesting news coming out of Iraq and Washington, here are a few tidbits.

You may have seen the name Blackwater, in the news lately. Blackwater, USA is a private security firm in the employ of your friendly neighborhood US State Dept. They earn 90% of their revenue from your federal government; 2/3 of which is under no-bid contracts. These contract cowboys have at least 30,000 armed men on the ground in Iraq. (Some say it's closer to 100,000. Good luck finding out.) They operate with virtually no oversight and with no code of conduct. They are a shadow army, paid ten times what a US serviceman gets. Their presence allows George W. Bush to lie about troop strength and the need for more American soldiers.

Recently, the killing of eight Iraqi civilians by these "heros" caused Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki to banish the company from his country. Sadly, Mr. al-Maliki was under the mistaken impression that he was in charge in Iraq. Not so. Within a week the boys of Blackwater were back on the job. So much for democracy, the rule of law and all the rest of the bilge that America appears so eager to export. Good luck winning hearts and minds when you have an army of unrestrained assains undoing any the good the American military might be doing.

The fact that we have turned this band of cut-throats loose in Iraq is a disgrace. What exactly happens to this mercenary army after Iraq? Oh, of course! What was I thinking? There is no "after Iraq".



Another item that may have escaped your notice is the pending trial of Army Spec. Jorge Sandoval. Spec. Sandoval is an American soldier who, until recently, was employed as a sniper in Iraq. Sandoval's court martial for premeditated murder arose from a practice called "baiting". It seems that the Army has created a nifty new unit called the Asymmetric Warfare Group. These creative characters issue spools of wire, metal pieces and AK-47 rounds to sharpshooters in order to induce Iraqis to betray themselves as terrorists. They leave this stuff in the road and if a local shows interest in the item, bang, another evil doer bites the dust.

If this practice isn't scary enough, consider the specifics of the case of Spec. Sandoval. To insure that the shooting of a civilian on April 27, 2007 wouldn't be questioned, he and Staff Sgt. Michael Hensley planted a coil of wire on the body. Nice, eh?

Let's be clear. Second guessing the actions of soldiers in the field is a crummy thing to do. These young men and women are in harm's way everyday. In a place where you can't tell the good guys from the bad, civilians will get shot. Spec. Sandoval should not be on trial for following orders. The person who should be in the stocks is the head of the Asymmetric Warfare Group. He should be charged in the same indictment as the commander of Abu Ghraib and the guy running the Renditions program. (Don't you just love the clever names like "Asymmetric" and "Renditions"that hide the dirty deeds?) And while we're at it, how about a subpoena for Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld?





War doesn't excuse everything. You can't start a civil war in someone else's country and then use methods that would make Stalin blush. Americans don't snatch people off the streets of other countries. We don't torture prisoners first and let them go after we're satisfied that they don't know anything. We don't leave "bomb pieces" in the road and shoot the first dope that picks them up. If we do these things, why did we bother to depose and execute Saddam?

...or is Rudy Giuliani much to do about not much?

Quiz: Who was the base commander at Pearl Harbor on Dec 7th, 1941? Who was the mayor of Johnstown, PA when the dam broke in 1889? Who was the mayor of Oklahoma City in 1995 when the Murrah Federal Building blew up? Who was the mayor of New York in Feb,1993 when Ramzi Yousef exploded 1,500 lbs of dynamite under the World Trade Center? When choosing the person best qualified to run the country, the correct answer for all four questions is, "Who cares". Why then, are we so taken with the guy who was mayor of New York when disaster struck in 2001? Because he gives good press conference? Frankly, I'd rather have a leader who had a few answers before the attack or who was somehow prepared for trouble.(Establishing your Emergency Control Center inside the WTC after it had already been marked as a target is not "preparing for trouble"). If all I wanted in a leader was a guy who looked mournful and indignant while standing in the rubble, we could elect Lonesome George again. I don't hear anyone suggesting that Ray Nagen of New Orleans run for president. Mayor Nagen had to actually do something. He had a much more difficult job because many of his victims were still alive and in desperate need. Electing Rudy Giuliani to the presidency based on his performance during 9/11 would be like electing Capt E. J. Smith of the Titanic as head of the White Star Shipping Line. If you avert disaster you're a hero. If you capitalize on disaster you're a swine. Not to paint too dark a picture here but prior to 9/11 Rudy was the laughing stock of New York. The stories of his extra-marital affair ( out #2 - in # 3) was daily fodder for the New York Post. Rudy was worth about $2 million on 9/10/01. Since the towers fell, America's mayor is a rock star. He is conservatively worth about $60 million and just last year cleared $11.4 million in speaking fees. He also has an honorary knighthood from the Queen. I suspect that Elton John will someday compose a song about him. Why not? They have the same hair dresser. But you gotta love a guy who marries his second cousin (wife #1) then fifteen years later, after canoodling soon-to-be-wife #2, appeals to the Roman Catholic Church to have the marriage annulled because he didn't know that his wife was his second cousin. You can't make this stuff up. Who did he think she was at all those family reunions...the caterer? But wait! We are told that Rudy did far more for New York than attend the funerals of policemen and firemen. While leader of New York from 1994 to 2001, America's Mayor reduced crime in a city that was thought to be beyond hope. Well, if a drop in the crime stats is the Giuliani legacy than why is there no grass roots effort to draft former Mayor Sharpe James of Newark, N.J.? His crime record is far superior to that of Mayor Rudy. (The fact that he committed many of the crimes himself is beside the point). Tom Bradley of Los Angeles saw crime decline in his city during the same period and Bradley had Rodney King to deal with. One helper that Mayors James and Bradley did not have in their war on crime was Bernie Kerik. Non-New Yorkers may not remember Mr Kerik. He was the Horatio Alger-esque detective who rose from being Mr. Giuliani's driver to the rank of Commissioner of the Department of Corrections. Mr. Kerik recently plead guilty to corruption charges and is currently facing federal tax and conspiracy allegations. This guy could swing the crime rate all by himself. If the idea of electing Rudy Giuliani to the office of President is strange, then the idea of nominating him as a Republican is downright bizarre. Only in New York , home of the liberal wing of the Republican Party (long deceased) would Rudy Giuliani be considered a Republican. Consider: He has been married three times. The first two ended by extramarital affairs. As stats go he is approaching Henry VIII. He supports a women's right to chose. (For the dummies at Liberty University that means he's pro abortion.) He's pro gun control. (That should wow 'em in Texas.) In two of his mayoral campaigns he ran on the Liberal party ticket. (Take that, Hilary!) In 1997 he was endorsed by The New York Times. (Those commies!) He's pro gay. Hell, he's got more photos of himself in women's clothes than Dame Edna. His law firm has lobbied for stem cell research. This guy is to the left of Denis Kucinich. How the religious right will be able to swallow this heathen is anybody's guess. Given a choice between Rudy and Hilary, I imagine that they will opt for a Jim Jones Kool-Aid Cocktail. Come to think of it, this is the perfect guy to follow in the footsteps of GWB. After the hash that this administration has made of American-European relations, Rudy is the perfect antidote. With his reputation in the sack, the French will treat him like the next Jerry Lewis.

...or is Don Rumsfeld just scary/crazy?

There are no slow news days, just lazy bloggers. Just when you were all prepared to hear Gen. Petraeus tell you that another ten years or so of American interference in Iraq ought to bring stability, maybe, along comes Don. You may remember former Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld as the appleheaded architect of America's stunning victory in the Middle East. Mr. Rumsfeld, thankfully retired from government service, is quoted in an article for GQ (Governmental Quagmire?) that Afghanistan is a "big success". That's more than can be said for Donald Rumsfeld. Don must have gone long on poppies this season because the only success in Afghanistan is in the opium trade. Apparently Don has forgotten the cardinal rule "Don't get high on your own supply". To be fair, Afghanistan is a big success... if you are a member of the Taliban. It's not like the "coalition of the browbeaten" is around to enforce the law. There are more soldiers at the St. Patrick's Day parade in New York than in Afghanistan. President Karzai controls about two zip codes in Kabul. The Taliban, war lords and various assorted evil-doers are running the rest. Bin Laden is opening a Club Med in Tora Bora. Mullah Omar is starting a minor league baseball team; the Kandahar Kushmen. But let us not discount Donald Rumsfeld. It was our Secretary of Defense who told every soldier at the Pentagon above the grade of sergeant to shut up when they advised him that 120,000 troops were not nearly enough to pacify the Sunnis and Shais once Saddam was history. His many insightful quotes during his cabinet tenure will surely be writ large when the legacy of George "The Decider" Bush is recorded. Remember his response to a reporter who inquired as to why no effort was made to prevent the looting of Iraqi historical treasures? Rumsfeld boldly asserted, "stuff happens". Or who could forget his omniscient prediction on how long the Iraq incursion would last? In Feb. of 2003 he opined, "It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months." Move over Nostradamus. And how's this for profound: "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me because, as we know there are known knowns; there are things we know we know.We also know that there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we know that we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns; the ones we don't know we don't know." Boy, what government agency wouldn't be proud to have that baby chiseled into their entry lintel? This man should be in jail for the criminal waste of 3,500 American lives. He has shown nothing but contempt for anyonewho doesn't see his warped vision of the future. I'm sure his stay at the Hoover Institute is assured because he clearly understands how to suck the energy out of anything he touches.