...or will Benevict XVI soon discover how small a country Vatican City is when he tries to hide there?

Piling on would be pointless. When every newspaper and web site in America and Europe is carrying some version of the Catholic Church's abusive clergy scandal, there isn't much to add. Individual stories of atrocities and cover-ups will continue to ooze from all corners of the Christian world. Rome will continue to vacillate between apology and excuse. Victims will write books and Cardinals from here and there will offer explanations. Everyone is missing the point.


The most interesting and comprehensive attempt at justification was penned by Rev. James Martin, S.J. who divides his treatise equally between plausible ("bishops had no idea how widespread the problem was" or "bishops were uncomfortable confronting abusive priests") and ridiculous ("bishops under-appreciated the harm to the victims" and" it's too hard to defrock a priest"). He does however strike two issues that go to the heart of the matter: bishops feared litigation because of the bad press and, the Church did not want to give its enemies a club with which to beat it. How's that working out for you?


I'd carpel tunnel from listing the scandals that would have been minimized or forgotten if only the public figures involved had come clean at the outset. From Nixon to Clinton, from Heidi Fleiss to Tiger Woods the story is always the same: scandal strikes...the spin doctors converge to plan how to keep the story contained...reporters, smelling a cover-up, dig furiously...the cover-up unravels...the spin doctors are nowhere to be found...Jay Leno and Co. have a new punching bag for three months.


The Church in Rome is currently working overtime to 1) spread the blame, 2) avoid blame, 3) attack critics and 4) minimize the crime. In recent years the College of Cardinals has swelled to more than 120 members and one can surmise that most have been put to work in the PR Dept. The latest attempt to exonerate the former Archbishop of Munich/current Pope is to blame the guy who had the job before him, John Paul II. This stratagem has worked well, up to a point, for President Obama. The story is that Cardinal Ratzinger of Munich reported an abusive priest to Rome and Rome demurred. As to why the Cardinal allowed the priest to return to parish work (and abuse more kids) is a bit fuzzy. I guess the defense is "hey, I did my job..." This might hold water if you're working at the GM plant but, when you're the Vicar of Christ, we hold you to a higher standard.


The idea of blaming your dead predecessor is a tricky business. JP II is revered throughout Christendom. There is talk of fast-tracking him to sainthood. The faithful will surely take a dim view of besmirching John Paul to save the hide of a guilty German. The Church is already trailing in the PR wars. The Pope's polling numbers in America (yes Virginia, even the Pope has poll numbers) have slipped so far that you'd think he voted for the healthcare bill.


The "Catholic Church as Victim" strategy has loser written all over it. You are not the victim when priests who answer to you abuse children and you do nothing but suborn the abuse. You are not the victim when your cozy relationship with the government of Ireland caused the institutionalizing of torture, imprisonment and intolerable abuse for 100+ years. You are not the victim when self preservation and secrecy were preferred over concern for the children entrusted to your care. What you are is a self-perpetuating, self-serving ecclesiastical bureaucracy whose first thought in any crisis is self-protection.

Yes, the Catholic Church has enemies but none as dangerous as bishops who sweep every controversial issue under their very expensive carpet. If Rome doesn't start dealing with this issue openly and honestly, future generations will visit the Vatican with the same curiosity with which they visit Chichen Itza in Mexico; wondering what could have destroyed the culture that built such wonderful buildings.

...or is there a good reason Bill Clinton never campaigned for Al Gore?

If anyone in Arizona should happen to find John McCain's soul, please drop it in any mailbox. Postage is paid. Honestly, how badly do you want to stay in the U.S. Senate that you would agree to appear on another stage with Sarah Palin? How little self worth must you have to attempt a smile and a hug from the runner-up Miss Vapid 1999? Jesus, John! Your wife has millions. You have more houses than you can count. The Democrats hate you. The Conservative wing of your own party (which is all but seven people) hate you. Your fan club consists of Joe Lieberman and two old guys from the VFW hall in Flagstaff. You have given 27 years to the Congress and all you have to show is a primary challenge from a dickweed talkshow host who, in a sane society, couldn't get elected to secretary of the Bisbee school board. I know you hate to lose John, but... Sarah Palin?


In case you missed "Sarah and John Deux", you didn't miss much. They were all there. Cindy McCain, who was promised after Nov. '08 that she would never have to stand on another platform and look at Sarah Palin's ass, was there. She still has the look of a traveling nurse ready to rush in at a minute's notice if John needs his meds. Todd "the cigar store Indian" Palin was there. Seriously, I get that Todd's wife is the gravy-train from heaven but shouldn't a real man from Alaska want to do more than adopt the fig-leaf pose one pace behind and to the left? Does he speak? Can he speak? Don't we all suspect there is a barc-a-lounger and a beer somewhere with his name on it? Jesus, the lead dog from the Iditarod winner has more personality.


Anyone tuning in midway through the news last night and seeing Johnny Mac and Sister Sarah on the platform must have thought they caught the tail end of America's Biggest Loser. McCain is trailing in the polls and may soon be dusting off the "you won't have John McCain to kick around anymore" speech made famous by Richard Nixon in 1962. The good people of Arizona who admired McCain's tough, bi-partisan, rational approach to government now feel that he is a tad too bi-partisan. Enter the biker-chick. Sarah resurrected her black leathers (more suited to an appearance in Sturgis, S.D.) to appear for the embattled candidate in Phoenix. She trotted out the usual platitudes that played so well at the Tea-bagger confab in Tenn. last month. This lady has more bromides than the Farmer's Almanac.




As uncomfortable political events went, this was the best (or worst) since Sammy Davis kissed Richard Nixon. McCain hates everything about the tea-baggers. Their noisiness says nothing; their fire has no warmth and their lack of focus (we hate taxes, we hate government, we really hate the black president) brings no direction. Tea-baggers aren't a movement; they're a soft- core, Klan pep rally. McCain is incensed at being tossed over the side by the very people he thought he was representing.




Palin, for her part, would rather return her wardrobe to the RNC than help John McCain. His campaign staff spent the summer filling a wing of the Library of Congress with "Sarah Sucks" books: "Sarah Sucks as a Candidate", "Sarah Sucks as a Student"," Sarah Sucks as a Team Player". They blamed her for everything from the weather on election day to Joe the Plumber's hair loss. Now she is forced to bite back the rage and tell the good people of Arizona what a knee-jerk conservative Good Old John McCain really is. At least she got to spear McCain with an age joke which was as unfunny as it was inappropriate.




Palin left Arizona secure in the knowledge that she had burnished her reputation as a loyalist who pays her political debts. She may have ditched the people of Alaska midway through her term and ignored the RNC National Convention in favor of the Tea-baggers (six figure checks notwithstanding) but, by God, she wasn't going to abandon the man who made her a household name. Sarah moved on with a clear conscience to her next event: a rally against Senator Harry Reid in Nevada. New state...same audience. Maybe they could dress Todd up like a blackjack dealer.

...or is confession only good for the soul when it's someone else's soul?

In response to Catholics who have taken me to task for criticizing the Church in Rome, I have decided to reserve my abuse for times when the RCC or its leaders land in the news. Well hang on to your cassocks kids because the boys in Rome are all over the press this week. The Catholic Church is making more news than Bart Stupak and Dennis Kucinich combined.

In the United States, the Church has taken a page straight from Mel Brooks. " We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working...send in the nuns." In stark opposition to the U.S. Conference of Bishops, Catholic nuns have sent a letter to Congress supporting the current healthcare legislation. The letter includes signatures from 50 Women's Orders including The Leadership Conference of Women Religious which professes to represent 90% of America's 59,000 nuns. That's enough habitted firepower to shrivel the manhood of the entire Roman Curia.

Unlike the bishops who sit in the chancery and get most of their news from Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly, the nuns actually work in hospitals and schools and get to see first hand the suffering brought about by the lack of healthcare. They also apparently read the bill and can't find the elusive abortion language Bart Stupak and America's bishops swear is in there. The nuns I remember could spot a slouching seventh grader in Church from 50 yards away. I'm confident they could detect sneaky abortion funding even if it were hiding in 2,000 pages of legislation.


Rome has been strangely silent on this issue. Not wishing to garner further abuse from Maureen Dowd and others regarding the Church's disgraceful treatment of women, the cardinals in the Vatican appear content to let America's bishops sort out America's squabbles. Smart play. Anyone who has tried to go toe-to-toe with even one nun knows how intimidating they can be. I watched Meryl Streep in "Doubt" and was afraid to chew gum for a month.

----------------------

Rome has also maintained a guarded posture amid continuing allegations of 50 years of protecting pedophile priests in Germany and Ireland. The details of these accusations are as familiar as they are disturbing. Catholic bishops, including a certain Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger of Munich, aka, Benedict XVI, continually shielded clergymen accused of abusing children. These pedophiles were never referred to civil authorities or even disciplined by their superiors. Instead they were reassigned to new parishes where the abuse continued.



Sean Cardinal Brady, a top-ranking cleric in Ireland used part of his St. Patrick's Day homily to apologize for his role in perpetuating the abuse of children in his diocese. That's a start but hardly a cure. The Catholic Church in Ireland is the most heinous modern example of what happens when religion gains civil authority. Anyone appalled by the treatment of women in Afghanistan would be incensed by how children, especially girls, were systematically tortured in Ireland. If the RCC in Ireland is mystified by empty pews and dwindling collections, it need look no further than the Murphy Report of November, 2009.


The Vatican took time out from praying that the whole sordid mess would disappear to accuse the German government of persecuting the Church. In a statement worthy of the worst corporate weasel, the RCC has expressed shock and dismay that anyone would accuse Mother Church of harboring felons. They assert that the incidence of pedophilia within the ranks of the clergy is no worse than the population at large. Well that's comforting. Unfortunately, we don't usually invest the population at large with a presumption of holiness. We don't hand out Roman collars to just any citizen. We maintain a healthy skepticism of men who appear too eager to be scout masters and swim coaches until they wear rosary beads.


A priest is presumed to represent his church. Men with the power to administer the sacraments must adhere to a higher standard of moral conduct because of the damage done to both the flock and the institution. We don't expect priest to be saints but we should expect a slightly elevated degree of morality. They're priests for God sakes. They hear confessions, dole out advice, pray over the dead. They may be ordinary men but we imbue them with extraordinary respect and responsibility. If we wanted average people to act as our clergy we would be married by our grocer and confess our sins to our barber.


Besides, the issue isn't that priests are as flawed as the rest of us. The issue is that once those flaws are discovered, some responsible action should be taken. That action should not include cover-ups, denials and suborning repeated felonies. Not only did the Church systematically conceal these crimes from the police and the populace, they transferred the offenders to other parishes where, big surprise, similar crimes occurred. As long as Rome responds to these charges by appearing wounded and defensive, the congregation will continue to view them as just another sanctimonious corporation with a knee-jerk PR department and no moral fiber.



Please, Benedict, get out in front of this for once. Don't call the law firm of Duck, Dodge and Hyde. Call a press conference and promise to expose every bad apple in the ecclesiastical barrel. Act like the Vicar of Christ not the CEO of Lehman Bros after the crash. Then give yourself five Our Fathers and five Hail Mary's and go and sin no more.

...or is more of the same just more of the same?

Volume II

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Say what you will about former Congressman Eric Massa from New York. When forced to confront his somewhat unconventional behavior with staffers and anyone else in the showers, he resigned. That's more than can be said of Larry "love amongst the stalls"Craig or everybody's favorite international soulman Governor Mark Sanford of Appalachia. Massa might have been having a few too many sleepovers with the boys in the band but he only made his excuses after he left the Congress. John Ensign, the Senator who felt that sharing everything with his chief of staff included the man's wife, then ran to his parents to bail him out, is still in office. So is Senator David Vitter whose name and number appears in more call girl Roledexes in Louisiana than the number of the VD clinic. So here's to you Eric Massa. You might have crossed the line at your "crossing the line party" but your tickle parties gave America a good laugh.

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Washington D.C. said goodbye this week to Desiree Rogers. The former White House Social Secretary resigned her post amid allegations that she confused her role as party planner with co-first lady. Ms. Rogers made a spectacle of herself in more ways than one. Desiree was posing for the cameras at the President's State Dinner honoring India's Prime Minister while Michaele and Tareq Salahi were schmoozing their way past the Secret Service. While security is not among her duties, she became the face of the scandal. If you don't know who will replace Ms. Rogers, well, the Obama's hope you never do.

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And now we come to Colleen R. LaRose, aka, Jihad Jane. People like this make any sensible discussion of homeland security impossible. Conservative fear-mongers will use this arrest as proof that the Patriot Act and illegal wiretapping are noble and necessary. They will rail endlessly about evil subversives in our midst and how no one is safe from radical Islam. Borrowing a clinical term from the Kennedy School of International affairs...CRAP.

Jihad Jane is a dangerous, deluded misfit. In a country of 300 million I suspect she is not the only one. Had she chosen Christianity or Scientology as a cause and set out to assassinate Sean Penn or Arnold Schwarzenegger the arrest wouldn't have made page 10. The internet has given voice to every type of oddball and eccentric (including no-nothing bloggers). How many Nazi sympathizers might we have unearthed in 1942 if the world wide web were available? How many misguided souls, hungry for a little attention and frustrated by the lack of it, would have surfaced as "reds" during the commie-hunting days of the House Unamerican Activities Committee?

Ms. LaRose is a crazy person and a criminal. She should be prosecuted as such. (No star chamber military courts please.) She is not special or particularly sinister because her brand of lunatic affiliation is Middle Eastern. She is just another loner with a grudge. She is not the tip of some Jihadist wet dream. You have much more to fear from Tom Cruise recruiting your children than from Osama bin Laden. Really!

...or should the estate of Joe McCarthy sue for defamation after being compared to Liz Cheney?

Volume I


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Proving with absolute certainty that the medical condition known as asshat-itis is hereditary, Liz Cheney has embarked on a crusade worthy of her sneering, skulking old man. Liz sits on the Board of Directors of a vanity organization called Keep America Safe. She shares this dubious distinction with Debra Burlingame, noisiest of the 9-11 survivors (Ask yourself if the government ever asked the families of Pearl Harbor victims to participate in plans for post war Asia.) and William Kristol, spoilsport editor of The Weekly Standard and the only quasi-serious journalist-supporter of Sarah Palin's Presidential aspirations.

Apparently the goal of KAS is to rid the country of all those pesky Constitutional nuances that get in the way of American exceptionalism like: prohibition against torture, the rule of law and, most recently, the right to an attorney. Liz & Co. are in a snit over the U.S. Justice Dept. hiring lawyers who had, at one time, been advocates for Guantanamo inmates or other terror suspects. According to Ms. Cheney, if you defend a person accused of terrorism, you're a terrorist or at least a suspicious character. This novel theory came as troubling news to attorneys who were called upon to advocate for a pedophile or a serial killer.

It's possible that Lizzie was out sick the day they taught "Law" at the University of Chicago Law School. She also no doubt missed the miniseries about John Adams and his defense of the British soldiers accused of murder after the Boston Massacre. Not content to merely throw dirt on the reputations of attorneys doing their jobs, the Keep America Safe crowd has coined the name "Al qaeda Seven" to ensure that every lawyer attached to any terrorist trial will be tarred with the traitor's brush.



Andrew McCarthy in today's Wall Street Journal makes the case that the sort of client a lawyer choses speaks to his opinions and political leaning. This information must be made public if an attorney is to be involved in public policy. William Kunstler, defender of the Chicago Seven, was a longtime advocate for liberal causes. Nevertheless, if we assume that attorneys, journalists or judges cannot separate their professional obligations from their personal opinions or their prejudices, we are left in Limbaughland where any notion of impartiality is demeaned and ridiculed. It would be impossible for an educated person, having been exposed to a lifetime of media, not to have formed opinions on the issues of the day. (This hypothesis speaks to Sarah Palin as a possible choice for either Chief Justice or managing editor of the New York Times.)

No one reading this column needs a lesson from me on Constitutional law or the need for zealous representation of defendants. You may however, reflect upon what you thought of the Duke lacrosse team in 2006 when the scandal broke and, what you thought after the team's lawyers sorted through the facts. Presumably Liz Cheney also missed the class on "innocent until proven guilty" and how that applies to lawyers as well as defendants.



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Our Band of Brothers on the Supreme Court has been busy these last few years ensuring that any wingnut who can afford the cost, be allowed to own and carry a firearm. Their decision in Heller vs District of Columbia affirmed the right of every citizen to arm himself to the teeth on federal land including high-crime DC. Now they appear ready to extend that right to the population at large. In McDonald vs The City of Chicago the Supremes will affirm that no gun restriction is lawful and the Founding Fathers apparently would have endorsed the 30,000 or so gun deaths that occur in America each year. They certainly provided no redress short of a Constitutional Amendment. (Fat chance.)

The Scalia Court (if you think Justice Roberts is in charge you don't read much) believes that 283 million guns in private hands in America is just fine with them. So, how about we all pack up our Berettas and our Glocks; our Sigs and our S&Ws and parade them over to the Supreme Court building? Last time I looked, the Court was on federal property. If the boys in black are so fond of gun-toting Americans, let's show them a few. Guns are not permitted in the Court building (I can't imagine why) but we should be able to walk around outside.

You are not safe from gun owners in a bar, a church or a national park. Why should the people who decide these insane "rights" be excluded from sharing in the joy of armed neighbors? Why wouldn't the Supremes feel any less safe knowing that the lawyers, clerks and spectators in the High Court are all packing? How are you liking that Second Amendment now, Antonin?



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What are we to do with Dennis Kucinich? There was a time (mostly in romance novels of the nineteenth century) when families were permitted, nay encouraged, to lock such embarrassing relatives in the attic. They would be fed and cared for but never allowed out when guests were entertained because of their strange behavior. Alas, Dennis is everyone's Crazy Uncle Festus.




Congressman Kucinich is prepared to sink the healthcare bill because he feels it is insufficient. This a classic case of the perfect being the enemy of the good. Although I cannot speak for the good people of Ohio's tenth Congressional district, I suspect they did not send Dennis to Washington to play the obstructionist...Michigan's first district sent Bart Stupak to do that.




Mr. Kucinich should command the floor of the House as often as possible and rail at the weak, insufficient, watered-down legislation being presented to the American people as healthcare reform. He should then sit down and vote yay.

...or are American newspapers running the comics on Page One?

Item

Seriously? You are the Conservative Political Action Committee. You profess to be a serious political force, representing a significant portion of this country, and you prove it by inviting Glenn Beck as your featured speaker? Should Julius Erving lecture to the American College of Surgeons? He is, after all, a doctor. Should Harrison Ford teach graduate archeology at Stanford? He already owns the hat and whip. Allow me to repeat myself...nobody is going to let you be the ringmaster if you continually play the clown. And no one is going to elect you to anything if you invite buffoons and side-show barkers to speak at your political events.



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A respected, high-ranking Pakistani official was rejected recently as ambassador to Saudi Arabia. Mr. Akbar Zib was denied this prestigious post because his name translates into Arabic as "Biggest Dick". Where are the Pythons when you need them?



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Long Island resident Kathleen Frascinella was ticketed for driving in the HOV lane of the Long Island Expressway while accompanied by an elaborately dressed dummy. The dummy turned out to be Rudy Giuliani. Rim shot!



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Australia's star hurdler Jana Rawlinson has had her breast implants removed to improve her chances for a medal in the 2012 Olympics in London. Rawlinson said she "loved having bigger boobs" but did not want to disappoint her fellow Australians. Jana's boyfriend, presumably one of those "fellow Australians" was unavailable for comment.


Ms. Rawlinson was following in the footsteps of American figure skater Scot Hamilton who had his gonads removed prior to the 1984 Winter Games in Sarajevo. OK, that was cheap!



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Shawn White, Lindsey Vonn, Bode Miller and Evan Lysacek have all performed beautifully this week in Vancouver however, Americans are cheering the real comeback story of the year. That's right folks, McDonald's has revived the Filet-O-Fish mounted fish ads. Although at a loss to explain why a dead stuffed mackerel singing "Give me back that Filet-O Fish" should attain the sort of cult popularity of Mr. Whipple or Clara "where's the beef" Peller, we are nonetheless captivated. If McDonald's could teach the carp another song, it might replace Susan Boyle among the "Idol" crowd.

...or would Cpl. Klinger have gotten out of the Army quicker had he worn a burka?

On Thursday, February 18, 2010 Joseph Stack, 53 year old software engineer and bass player crashed his Piper PA28-236 Dakota into the Echelon Federal Building in Austin, Texas in a rage over taxes. Miraculously, only one person died.


On Nov. 4, 2009 Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan marched onto the base at Ft. Hood, Texas and murdered 13 of his fellow soldiers, wounding another 30.



On Friday, Feb. 12, 2010 Amy Bishop, PhD, professor at the University of Alabama, Huntsville shot and killed three colleagues during a staff meeting, wounding 2 others.



On May 31, 2009 Scott Roeder, anti-abortion fanatic and suspected schizophrenic walked into the Reformation Lutheran Church in Wichita, KS and shot Doctor George Tiller in the eye.



On Christmas Day 2009, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab attempted to kill 289 people on board Northwest Airlines Flight 253 using a bomb concealed in his clothing. No one was injured.



On April 19, 1995, Timothy McVeigh, ex GI and KKK sympathizer, detonated a truck full of explosives in the front of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal building killing 186 and injuring 450.



Question: Which of these people is a criminal and which is a terrorist? Why?



Applying Occam's Razor, the simplest answer is also the correct one... It doesn't matter.



Regardless of motivation, a crime is a crime and should be handled in the same measured, detached manner prescribed by our judicial system. Calling a person a terrorist is a pointless name game resulting in unnecessary fear and tragic overreaction. There are thousands of Christian Americans passionate for a cause. They talk tough, attend rallies, carry signs. They do not shoot people or blow things up. There are thousands of American Muslims who object to the military invasion of Iraq. They rail on web sites, reinforce their views at mosques, they applaud America's military difficulties in Afghanistan. They also do not shoot people or blow things up. Muslim extremists are no different from Christian extremists and should be treated no differently.



We are a country of laws. Americans never miss an opportunity to parade our freedoms and our Constitution through the streets. We take great pride in any effort to bring that freedom to others. We cheer the rule of law when it's exported to Iraq and Afghanistan. Sadly, when opportunities arise to apply those same noble principles in our own country, we look to Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin for guidance. Bolstered by the clownish rhetoric of Glen Beck and Bill O'Reilly, we respond to every threat by breaking out the torches and pitchforks.



Amy Bishop was a Harvard PhD yet no one (except maybe Sean Hannity) is looking for the motivation for her rampage in Cambridge. If you shoot three professors in Alabama you're a headcase; if you shoot a doctor in a church you're a misguided baby-saver; if you shoot 43 soldiers on an Army base, you're a Muslim demon controlled by puppet-masters in the Middle East.



When tragedy strikes, America seeks answers. What were the warning signs that we missed? How can we prevent another Ft. Hood or another Virginia Tech? Frustration over the senseless loss of life prompts us to lash out in all directions. After 9-11 many dark-skinned citizens were harassed including turban-wearing Sikhs. Strangely, after the Tiller shooting, no one (except maybe Keith Olberman) was suggesting we keep an eye on Bill O'Reilly's ardent fans. After Virginia Tech, there was no increase in surveillance of Korean Americans.


What escapes notice is that right-wing extremists, hungry to find any excuse to abandon democratic principles of due process in favor of a rope and a tree, never think to attack or question the Second Amendment. I defy you to find one single conservative talker who suggested that, had Major Hasan's weapons been tougher to obtain, a tragedy might have been averted or minimized. If you imagine that an Army doctor has access to military firearms, you know nothing about the military.


You would expect the Hannitys and Becks to demand frontier justice. They have never seen a fire that couldn't use a good dose of gasoline. Political leaders however, should know better. Elected officials are presumed to understand the laws and the ramifications of ignoring them. It's why we elect people trained in the law, not in TV ratings. Sadly, Conservatives and by extension Republicans, have decided that pandering to the baser emotions of Americans is easier and more expedient than leading. God help us if they succeed.



When people commit crimes in America or against Americans we arrest them, read them their rights, put them on trial and if guilty, lock them up. (If, after 44 years you don't understand Miranda, you don't watch enough Law and Order.) No exceptions. No.. "but what ifs..".



If you are captured on the battlefield (in the thousands of years of combat this has never been an obscure concept) you are a prisoner of war. Goodbye Department of Justice; hello Geneva Convention. We don't mix and match. You are not in line for Dick Cheney Justice (which is no justice) because you pray to Mecca. Those battlefields are in Iraq and Afghanistan, period. Seat 17F of a commercial airliner is not a battlefield.

...or are Virginia legislators required to swear an oath on a Harry Potter Book?

Really, you can't make this stuff up!

The Virginia legislature is about to vote on a bill which prevents employers and insurance companies from implanting microchips in a person's body against their will. Interesting. Presumably the vote cannot be taken until all delegates are fitted with aluminum headgear to prevent telepathic thoughts from influencing their decision.

This is not as "out there" as you might think. Wisconsin has already passed such a law and Georgia is contemplating a similar idea. Apparently the fear of Big Brotherism stems from discussions among insurance companies and other health providers to implant chips in Alzheimer's patients. The chips would be helpful should the patient wander off. Also there has been talk of implanting people's medical records in their bodies. Should you be in an accident, responders could retrieve the data and therefore know how best to treat you. These ideas no doubt have merit provided they are voluntary. Forced implants, however, sends a chill through even the people who wrote the Patriot Act.

One would think that the Virginia legislature would vote for this bill on First Amendment grounds. The unwanted implanting of microchips in Commonwealth citizens is abhorrent to lovers of liberty and defenders of personal privacy. However, to insure that no one forgets that Virginia is still the home of Christian radicalism, several members of the House of Delegates have supported the ban on implants because...wait for it...implants represent the "mark of the beast". That's right folks. Your elected officials are approving and rejecting policy based on the voodoo details of the Book of Revelations in the Bible.


Far be it from me to denigrate the beliefs of anyone, including those who run for public office but, I would feel better if those office-holders didn't arrive for work muttering about End of Days and angels pouring out their bowls on the earth. I mean it's scary enough watching Virginia Republicans hunt for new crimes deserving of capital punishment. Revelations is very specific what with reference to seven trumpets, seven seals and the beasts of the land and sea. The scripture states that "no man may buy or sell save that he has the mark, or the name of the beast or the number of his name". This has prompted some deep thinkers to imagine that the "mark" is some form of bar code.


Anyway, I suppose that we should be grateful that, regardless of motive, the Virginia House of Delegates will stumble into the correct ruling. Now if only someone in government could divine a Biblical reference to the prohibition of handguns. Perhaps in Exodus "...and the Lord said unto Moses 'tell those Jewish idiots to stop shooting each other".

...or do the Winter Olympics leave you cold?

Quickly...regarding Sarah Palin's speech at the Tea-baggers party in Nashville: we will devote no more space to a person who abuses the opposition for using a teleprompter, but needs to write notes on her hands. Seriously, all friends of intelligent government are encouraged to send a contribution to the Sister Sarah for President Campaign Committee. I'm begging this moose-burger to run.

Now, back to the important stuff:

Item:

Face it. No one in America gives a royal rat's ass about the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We don't have any heroes who play in the snow. Most of the fans of NHL hockey players (about 200 at last count) will have divided loyalties watching their idols play for Russia, Sweden, or the Czech Republic. Having just watched the New Orleans Saints beat the Colts, and with baseball's spring training camps opening soon, no one cares who wins the two-man bobsled or the luge. Most Americans imagine biathlon as having something to do with cross-dressing. Quick: name America's entry in cross-country skiing.

To be honest, Americans don't have much of a selection of name brand winter sportspeople. Our scant collection of recognizable winter competitors includes Bode Miller, world renowned pot-smoker and all around loose cannon. Having staggered and stumbled to a fifth place finish in Turin in 2006, Miller is stoked (or possibly toked) to be every bit as disappointing in Vancouver. He is hoping to improve his performance this time around, especially because he has signed on with a new sponsor: Zig Zag Rolling Papers.

America will also be cheering for another Turin retread, Apolo Ohno. Mr. Ohno won speed-skating gold in Salt Lake City in 2002 when the South Korean skater that beat him was disqualified. Who knew there were Mulligans in speed-skating? Ohno, age 27, will try for gold in the 1,500 meter race, which will demand that he remain upright for the entire race. Best of luck to Mr. Ohno.

Speed-skating also features another rare sight: an African American winter Olympian. Shani Davis, who won gold in Turin, is returning to attempt a record-tying five gold medals in a single Olympics. Davis, a Chicago native, will ensure that the number of black Americans tuning in to the Games will rise by the exact size of his immediate family.

While it's true that Americans perform really well in snow-boarding, everyone knows that those events aren't "real" Winter Olympic Sports. They were only included because the American TV audience had no rooting interest in curling. Snow-boarding is to winter sports what surfing or skate-boarding would be to the summer games: an excuse to watch adolescents try to kill themselves. Skate-boarding behind a moving bus would have the same appeal.

The perennial favorite of both women and sensitive men (read gay) has always been figure skating. This year's field includes the usual complement of gifted, dedicated kids no one has ever heard of or will remember much past the nightly news. The definition of "sport" will again be challenged as Scott Hamilton, Dick Button and Peggy Fleming guide us through endless triple axels, Salchows and Lutz Jumps. For all you skating neanderthals, a Lutz Jump is a toe-pick assisted jump with an entrance from a back outside edge and landing on the back outside edge of the opposite foot. Now don't you feel dumb?

Figure skating has always drawn the highest rating of all winter events. Women love it and men just like looking up those little itsy bitsy skirts. (Right, I'm the only one!) Actually, men are also fascinated by how male skaters are able to compress their packages into those tight costumes. This may explain why most male figure skaters never have children.

So enjoy the Games. Marvel at the opening ceremonies, which are interrupted by more commercials than the Baseball Home Run Derby. Be amazed by the parade of athletes featuring more white people in one place since the Republican National Convention. Ask yourself why anyone but a blood relative would stand on a mountain in subzero weather to watch American Lindsay Vonn shuush by at 70 mph. Express wonder at anyone paying $200 apiece to watch something called Women's skeleton. (Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with bulimia. Who knew?)

...or is the Tea-bag Movement a strong brew?

If it's Nashville, it must be the Tea-Baggers Convocation.

The grass-roots movement spawned by the election of a black liberal as President and whipped into a froth by Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity, has descended on America's heartland for three days of peace, love and joy. The banner welcoming attendees to the Gaylord Opryland Hotel (Gaylord?) proclaims "Give us your white, your old, your overweight yearning to breathe free." Well, not exactly free. Assuming you drive the family pickup truck from God's Garterbelt, Arkansas and stay at the Sleep Inn in Murfreesboro instead of the pricey Opryland Hotel, you are still paying $549 a head to listen to the speechifying. As to the event, America hasn't seen this many white people in one room since George W. Bush's last golf outing. Canadian hockey crowds are more diverse. Attendance has been solid, owing to the fact that most Tea-baggers are retired or at least negotiated a few days off from their greeters job at Walmart.


The convention got off to a rousing start with a kickoff speech by Tom Tancredo, former Congressman from Colorado. Aside from his somewhat truncated bid for the Presidency in 2008, (he never got off the bus in New Hampshire) Tancredo is perhaps best remembered as the anti-immigration candidate who suggested that all immigration be halted for three years while current immigrants assimilate. Plans for stopping illegal immigrants from entering the country included fences, guns and a lot of harsh language. He has also suggested that any further attacks like 9-11 should be met with the immediate destruction of Mecca. A Molotov Cocktail party will follow.


Breakfast on Friday will feature Steve Milloy, FoxNews commentator famous for labeling all research on climate change as "junk science". Milloy also disputes the harm done by second-hand smoke, views the Clean Air Act as an abridgement of freedom and has campaigned against the ban on DDT. Milloy's cozy and longstanding relationship with the tobacco industry has cast a cloud over his credibility. No matter. Most of the attendees will be out for a smoke break during his address.


Lunch will include a speech by former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore. Judge Moore came to prominence as the jurist who resisted a federal court order to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the Alabama State Courthouse in 2003. The Alabama judiciary responded by removing not just the monument but also removed Judge Moore. The Judge will be accompanied by Joseph Farah. Mr. Farah, editor of the conservative website WorldNetDaily, is one of the more vocal adherents to the notion that Barack Obama is a Kenyan. Saturday's breakfast speaker is Ana Puig who will discourse on the correlation between Barack Obama and the Marxist Dictators of Latin America. Oddly, the Mensa Society passed on an opportunity to stage a membership drive in the hotel lobby. Seriously, why would any movement with aspirations of being taken seriously as a political force invite this collection of wingnuts to speak at their meeting? The only applehead missing is Lyndon Larouche.



Delightfully, the piece de resistance is the keynote speech delivered by the always insightful Sarah Palin. Despite collecting $100,000 for her starring role (the Governor of Alaska makes $150,000, dinner not included) Sarah claims it's not about the money. Her theory is that as long as the Tea-baggers are determined to be fleeced, it might as well be by someone who loves them. Sweet Sarah is apt to look a bit lonely in Nashville. Her usual props: unwed daughter w/ baby, goofy husband, Cindy McCain staring holes in the back of her head will all be missing. It will be just Sarah and the 1,100 or so faithful admirers. No hints have emerged as to the topic of Gov. Palin's address but we can expect plenty of "golly shucks" and a few "you betcha's." There was a "substance alert" earlier in the week but Ms. Palin's spokespeople assured the group that the Governor would never say anything meaningful or significant. Thank heaven for that!



The organizers of the event have rejected a re-creation of the famous Boston Tea Party as potentially dangerous. With all the elderly attendees, there was some concern about throwing the wrong bags overboard. Sorry!

...or is John McCain a few french fries short of a happy meal?

Honest to God!

For as much as we try to consign John McCain to the ash heap of second place finishers next to the 1982 Cincinnati Bengals, the 1932 Chicago Cubs and Michael Dukakis, he continues to stumble and obfuscate his way onto the front pages. Trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt is like trying to appreciate the films of Micky Rourke...why put yourself through it?

This week's performance was especially egregious. The Senior senator from Bullshitastan managed a double play. Woody Allen's Broadway Danny Rose says "You can't ride two horses with one behind" but you'd never know it to watch John McCain. As they say in the circus, they'll never let you be the ringmaster if you keep acting the clown.

Let's start with the Armed Forces and it's "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding gay troops. This obscene bit of discrimination has been responsible for the cashiering of more than 13,000 serving Americans since Bill Clinton's lack of spine made it law in 1993. Since then, our Army, Navy and Marines have lost the services of many dedicated, well trained volunteers for no other reason than being outed as gay or lesbian.

During his aborted campaign for President (where the don't ask, don't tell policy was rigorously applied regarding the galactic incompetence of Sarah Palin) McCain stated repeatedly that "The day that the military leadership comes to me and says, 'Senator, we ought to change the policy' then I think we should seriously consider changing it." Apparently McCain was confident that the Winter Olympics would be awarded to hell before any high-ranking officer would publicly condone gay soldiers. Well look out for snowboarding devils Senator. In an extraordinary act of courage, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates testified this week before the Senate Armed Services Committee and told the Senator exactly that.

Clearly the two highest ranking members of the Armed Forces, one civilian and a Republican appointee and one military (from McCain's own Navy, no less) wasn't enough. Perhaps a visit from George Patton would help? McCain was unmoved. Big surprise! Face it. McCain served in the Navy of the 1960's. They were barely tolerant of blacks. The idea of openly gay sailors puts McCain in mind of the drag scene in South Pacific. When he thinks gay he thinks of a ship full of limp-wristed marys prancing from stem to stern. It's OK to harbor prejudices. Everyone does. It is not OK to parade your biases to the world and it is not OK to offend serving Americans with your particular brand of bigotry.

Senator McCain's second bit of duplicity occured on the vote on the Conrad-Gregg Commission. Non-policy wonks may be unfamiliar with this brief, doomed attempt at bipartisan governance. Senators Kent Conrad (D-ND) and Judd Gregg (R-NH) proposed a plan to curb America's budget crisis. The bill was called the Bipartisan Task Force for Responsible Fiscal Action Act. Can these guys turn a phrase or what?

Briefly, the task force would be composed of 18 members, 10 Dems and 8 from the GOP. They would submit recommendations for fiscal restraint which would be voted on in Congress. The details are labyrinthine but reflect a genuine effort at broad-based fiscal reform. The bill initially had 35 co-sponsors from both parties. Here's where the fun began.

A letter was sent to the President urging him to sign the bill should it ever get that far. The letter was signed by the likes of Cornyn of Texas, Chambliss of Georgia, Feinstein of California and even Lieberman of Connecticutt (Let's show it to Joey. He hates everything.). President Obama, anxious to achieve bipartisan anything, came out in favor of the Commission. Naturally, Presidential support for any initiative triggers automatic rejection in the Republican caucus. Leading the charge for rejection was everyone's favorite grand dad; John McCain.

McCain's opposition, which reversed his support a few weeks ago, was nifty. He voted against the bill because, he said, it might lead to higher taxes. Forgetting for a moment that the Commission must achieve a 14 out of 18 plurality to recommend any action and that Congress can pass the proposals only with super majorities, this bill was designed and blessed by both parties...including the Senior Senator from Arizona.

McCain's opposition can only lead to two conclusions: 1) Stripping away all of the "why can't we all work together" rubbish, McCain is, at his core, a vengeful, intractable ideologue who will never support any proposal endorsed by the guy who kicked his white ass in November 2008; 2) Alzheimer's. Either he is terrified of losing his precious perch in the Senate to a Tea-bagger in a primary or he's just losing it. Either way it's time to show John McCain the door... in case he forgot where it was.

...or should regular people create their own litmus test?

As Tea-baggers prepare to convocate in Nashville (at $595 a head), the staff at isitjustme has been busy developing our own set of new laws, rules and suggestions. Please feel free to add anything that fits:

1) The law enforcement community should be required to create a voluntary "Mug-shot Database" for all Americans, especially those in the public sphere. Permitting citizens to come in for a mug-shot on their own time when they look their best would prevent the sort of horrid portraits that appear in the media after one has been arrested. Titled The Nolte/Torn Protocol, anyone anticipating a bust for drunken driving, indecent exposure, waving a gun around an empty bank or just general stupidity can have their picture taken in advance thus avoiding the career halting embarrassment of an ad hoc photo. The recent arrest of actor Rip Torn, with the attendant frightening cameo should be the only incentive required to encourage this concept.



2) Restaurants are hereby prohibited from delineating their restroom facilities with anything but signs that say "Men" and "Women". No more roosters and hens. You shouldn't have to be an expert in animal husbandry to successfully choose the correct lavatory. Mexican restaurants can dispense with drawings of sombrero-clad males and petticoat-wearing women. Also to be avoided are "Hombres" and "Senoritas". High school Spanish was a requirement for a diploma not a trip to the toilet. A person shouldn't have to make a detour to Berlitz on the way to the can. It's a water closet not a statement of restaurant chic. A woman shouldn't have to wander into a string of urinals only to discover she missed the cute depiction of Zeus on the door instead of the drawing of Aphrodite one door down.

3) A note to people who send Spanish Prisoner letters (those letters that promise a seven figure payout in return for help in rescuing a fortune from a foreign country, most recently Nigeria): at least dress it up a bit. The letters I've received lately have no letterhead, only brief explanations of the scam and no signature. They didn't even bother to hit the "rich text" bar. Seriously folks. A little effort, please. How do you expect to steal money from greedy, gullible people if you don't make your bogus letter look plausible? These notes are so lame even Glenn Beck knows they are fake. Without a little window-dressing, even the Tea-baggers won't be fooled, and they believe everything.

4) Congress should decree that anyone with a driver's license be required to purchase an EasyPass. Let's get with the program, folks! It's 2010. You have a debit card. You have a cell phone. Stop holding up traffic on America's highways while you fish around in your ashtray for another quarter.



5) And while we're on the subject, no more check-writing in supermarkets. Use cash or use a card. My ice cream is melting back here and my beer is getting warm while you hunt for a pen. The Declaration of Independence took less time to write than checks from shoppers who ask the clerk six times how much their broccoli cost. While we're young, people!

...or are the Republicans reinforcing the axiom that never does a man stand so tall as when he stoops to kick a friend?

Dateline Hawaii...



"We're working out here." So spake the chairman of the Republican party, Michael "the Oreo Cookie" Steele sounding a bit like Ratzo Rizzo of Midnight Cowboy fame. Steele and his GOP brothers (although there was hardly another brother in sight) were meeting in Hawaii last week to craft...well, whatever political parties craft between the luau's and cocktail parties. Hey,no one begrudges the GOP a little celebration. After all they swept the country last week. Well, Massachusetts anyway. Besides it's January and all those Red State hotels in Nebraska and Kansas were probably booked. Note: John Boehner of Ohio did not attend. His skin color frightens most Hawaiians.


The Republicans have recently discovered what the Democrats have been dealing with all summer...the misery of victory. Having scored a noteworthy success in New England, the GOP is trying to leverage this achievement into a national tsunami in November. Unfortunately, because they have no idea how Scott Brown won in Massachusetts, they can't use him as a model for success in the other 49 states. Brown ran as a moderate so the brain-trust in the Republican party has determined that far Right is the way to go. They have proposed a ten point litmus test to determine if a candidate is pure enough to run as a Republican and worthy of financial assistance. Brilliant! The test has ten points but in truth only one is needed. "We oppose anything and everything proposed, suggested, or contemplated by President Barack Obama."

Cap and Trade; we oppose it. Any form of healthcare reform; opposed. Any rational gun restriction; no way. Abortion assistance; you must be kidding. The Republicans are banking on the fact that they don't need a single legislative initiative or idea to improve life in America. Wait! They were in favor of troop increases in Iraq and Afghanistan. And you thought it was all negative.

Apparently the Republicans are convinced that the Tea Party agenda is their key to Congressional numerical superiority in 2010. The problem with this concept is the Tea Party folks (whoever they are) don't feel the need to cozy up to the GOP. One of the TP's main sponsors for their convention this week bailed out over concerns that the movement was being hijacked by the Republicans. Also, Tea-baggers have not shown an ability to get anyone elected to anything. No one believes that a loose association of old white people carrying signs passed out by Fox News, constitutes a movement. Well, maybe Glenn Beck believes it but, he also believes that the friezes on the wall of Rockefeller Center are a communist plot.

Anyway it's useful to know that the 10 point "Real Republican" litmus test, which glorifies the sainted legacy of Ronald Wilson Reagan, could not have been blessed by ... Ronald Wilson Reagan.
Reagan had no policy on gay marriage. He had no policy on pollution hence no notion of Cap and Trade. Reagan never expressed an opinion on immigration or gun rights. Come to think of it, this guy had no opinion on anything! So good luck with that litmus test. I'm guessing most candidates will treat it the way women treat a home pregnancy test.

...or is John McCain a lone voice in the Arizona desert?

President Obama (may his tee shot never find the rough) delivered his first State of the Union speech last night. Among the proposals offered by the President was a re-commitment to abolish the absurd "don't ask, don't tell"rule from the military. It was later noted by whatever pundit occupied my TV at the time that this policy was opposed by John McCain. This begs the question: What are we to make of the conundrum that is John McCain? As a Catholic, I am naturally opposed to conundrums (rim shot!) but McCain is a special case. Just when you think you have him figured out, he says or does something to make you question your conclusion.

McCain is not a fence-straddler (except on the subject of Sweet Sarah Palin) or an equivocator (except on the subject of SSP). When you ask a question, you always get an answer...except (see above). It should be noted that the right-wing ideologue who ran for President with SSP in 2008 bore no resemblance to the current senior Senator from Arizona. Only the names are the same. You have to love a politician who takes a position on almost everything. For the most part his reasoning is logical, rational and well-reasoned. That sort of intelligence in a politician might get you knighted, canonized or at least earn you a wing at the Smithsonian with all of the other extinct creatures. In McCain's case it has earned him a primary challenge from a teabagger named J.D. Hayworth.


If you're running against fruit-loops like the Baggers, logic and intelligence will get you killed. McCain will have to explain why he forged an alliance with legislators of both parties in 2005 to break the logjam in Congress that was preventing the approval of federal appointees. He will have to justify his dalliance with Democrat Russ Feingold and Sometime Democrat Joe Lieberman to craft needed legislation on campaign finance reform (McCain-Feingold) and climate change (Climate Stewardship Act). McCain will be forced to defend his possible position as vice president on the 2004 Kerry ticket (never offered; never sought) and his preference for Joe Lieberman as a running mate in 2008.


Most recently, McCain committed the cardinal sin of meeting with Democrat Evan Bayh (in public, no less) to attempt improvements to President Obama's federal spending freeze. What kind of Conservative Republican seeks compromise over ideology; governance over rhetoric; reason over sound-bites? The kind that gets clobbered by talk show windbags.


For however sick to death we are of the term (thank you SSP), McCain is an actual maverick. He refuses to participate in the stupid, obnoxious pandering that has infected Republican politics since the election of Barack Obama. McCain believes that questioning Obama's citizenship is infantile. He forbade his presidential campaign committee from attacking Obama over the Jeremiah Wright issue. He was a frequent critic of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the conduct of the Iraq War. He opposes water-boarding and all other forms of "enhanced interrogation". McCain is certainly no Liberal. He is a small government warhawk who believes that earmarks are the root of all evil. Unfortunately, he is a true independent in an age of orthodoxy. Teabaggers don't want thinkers. They want screamers. They don't want legislators. They want true-believers. McCain's brand of Conservatism is as out-of-fashion as a mullet.


McCain could still win in Arizona. He still has a great personal story and the guy who is opposing him has more baggage (tea and otherwise) than Samsonite. Still it's a bit sad to watch a man who has given his life and his family to public service, reduced to explaining how give and take works in the legislative process. In Republican politics today that's like explaining sunrise to blind people.

...or are ACORNs not the only nuts out there?

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein can go to their graves knowing that their legacy as investigative reporters is in no danger from James O'Keefe. It seems that, in his pursuit of corruption and evil in the Democratic party O'Keefe forgot the first rule of journalism: you are not the story. (Actually this is the second rule. The first rule is: don't get caught.)

You may remember Mr. O'Keefe as the truth seeker who, with the help of his own batgirl, Hannah Giles, attempted to "expose" ACORN for the liberal cheats they are. Disguised as a pimp and his ho (in hindsight, not much of a stretch) O'Keefe appeared at an ACORN office and, with a lot of prodding, got some advice on how to appear legit enough to get a mortgage. (ACORN has a contract with the Feds to facilitate low income mortgages.) The interview was taped and, with the help of the right-wing media and blogosphere, was plastered all over the internet as proof of ACORN's perfidy. Mr. O'Keefe became such a hit with Conservatives that one dingbat Congressman, Pete Olsen of Texas, (big surprise) wanted Congress to honor O'Keefe's achievement. How's that working out for you, Congressman?

Shift to Monday, Jan 25. O'Keefe and his crime fighting buddies were arrested in New Orleans while attempting to bug the offices of Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. Having been scrupulously trained by watching multiple episodes of Mission Impossible, these geniuses disguised themselves as phone men (page 116 of the Fletch handbook) and requested access to the main phone cabinet. The receptionists, who must have seen the same TV shows, called the FBI and well, our boys are now leaving Mission Impossible and headed for Judge Judy.

While this hardly rises to the level of Watergate, it will be exciting to discover whether this right-wing Ethan Hunt was operating alone or with the help of a Teabag A Team. Four super sleuths were arrested in the operation. No one was carrying a MENSA membership card or answered to the name Mr. T. A ten year prison sentence, while unlikely, might be enough to loosen some tongues. Perhaps a little enhanced interrogation. Conservatives are convinced of the effectiveness so let's give it a try.

The soup gets even spicier with the added ingredient of Robert Flanagan. Mr. Flanagan was arrested with O'Keefe and turns out to be the son of William J. Flanagan, U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Louisiana. While hardly a hotbed of constitutional law, even Louisiana draws the line at wiretapping. After all, it's not like the information would help the Saints in two weeks.

...or is clueless the new black?

"The surge worked" ...unless you own a hotel in Baghdad. Sunni insurgents, unhappy with the Shite-led government, carried out a series of suicide bombing at several high-end hotels on Monday. Sunnis, Shites, al Qaeda, Taliban; America is sick of the whole mess. We need to get our people out of Iraq and Afghanistan now, as in right now. Those countries are as stable as an invading force can make them. News stories about bombing in Iraq need to return to page 10, the same page that carries reports of coups in Somalia, Sri Lanka and Macy's underwear ads.


_____________________________________________________________________

But on a happier note... Ilich Ramirez Sanchez aka "Carlos the Jackal" is back in the news. Carlos hasn't let a little thing like multiple life sentences in a French prison keep him from protecting his good name. Through his lawyer/wife Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, Mr. Jackal has filed suit in French court demanding editorial approval of a documentary chronicling his exploits. After all, a man who killed and kidnapped his way across Europe for twenty-five plus years can't afford a blot on his escutcheon.

Ramirez did most of his best work for the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine or PFLP as opposed to the PLF or Palestine Liberation Front. (It was anacronamic distinctions like this that kept the Palestinians throwing rocks at Israeli tanks for 20 years.) His current retirement in La Sante Prison in Paris for the murder of two French agents hasn't kept The Jackal out of the news. He published an autobiography in 2004 (sales were hampered by his inability to appear on Oprah) and last year sent a letter to President Obama presumably requesting a copy of The Audacity of Hope with a hacksaw inside.

We wish Mr. Jackal nothing but success with his lawsuit. After all, if you're not careful the former administration might accuse you of having Osama on your Facebook friend list.


___________________________________________________________________


Our friends the French are once again attempting to deal with the issue of face-covering veils worn by Muslim women. In 2004, a law was enacted prohibiting women from wearing head scarves in schools. As with most rulings involving Muslim sensitivity, street demonstrations were immediately organized. The new definition of nano-second is the time between a Muslim community's indignation and the local domestic unrest. Now the government is trying to ban the veils in public areas such as hospitals and public transportation. President Sarkozy is quoted as calling the veils "unwelcome on French Territory".

Setting aside the desirability of covering some French people Muslim or not, the government is approaching this from the wrong angle. Veils should be banned, not for religious reasons but because they present a safety hazard. Imagine driving a car with a full-face veil over your head. (This might actually improve the driving of some Asian nationals. Just kidding!) If you thought French drivers were scary before, try them with a tarp covering their eyes. Yeah, I know, Muslim women aren't allowed to drive. Well, if you were wearing a 500 thread-count bed sheet on your head I wouldn't let you drive either. Besides, how are you supposed to update your Facebook page while walking down the Rue de Merde if you have an oversized beach towel on your dome? Speaking of Facebook, Muslim women on Facebook must consist of two million friends named Basheera and Jameela with no photos, no school listing and no personal information.

So good luck to the French. If they can't get the veils banned, at least they might get Muslim women to cut eye holes or install visors. If nothing else they wouldn't look so much like Cousin It.

___________________________________________________________________

With the crime rate down and the World Series parade a distant memory, the City of New York and its mayor have returned to their favorite pastime...banning stuff. First it was smoking, then cellphones while driving, then texting while driving a bus, then transfats. Now Mayor Bloomberg has taken aim at the popcorn industry's favorite condiment...salt. In an effort to lower the blood pressure of its citizens, the Mayor has raised the blood pressure of fast food purveyors and manufacturers from Canarsie to Riverdale.


The Mayor wants to reduce the salt content of foods in New York by 50% in ten years. Without transfats and salt, the bill of faire at McDonald's and Taco Bell would be indistinguishable from the cardboard containers that envelope the entre. Apparently throwing salt onto icy roads doesn't offend Mayor Bloomberg's sensitivities. Just don't throw it on your fries. Bloomberg is rewriting the old song lyric. I may be able to make it anywhere but without fat and salt, I can't make it in New York, New York.

Nannyism is everywhere but in New York it's an art form. One should soon expect the demise of such guilty pleasures as comic books (they make you stupid) and pizza (that grease running off the back gets on your clothes and inflates your cleaning bills). Next will be neckties (no practical benefit and, if they get caught in a moving set of rollers, good night nurse.) Other municipalities are legalizing medical marijuana (bless 'em) while the Apple is deciding if apples have too much sugar. How about The Big Brussels Sprout or The Big Celery Stalk? No salt on that celery, please!

...or should we all learn the words to the Herman Hermits song, "Senator Brown you have two lovely daughters"?

How about them Bay Staters?

Politics is a strange animal. One minute you're cannon fodder, running in a hopeless election; the next minute you're answering to "Pardon me Senator, but..." Anyone in the Republican party who says they saw this coming is full of it. If the GOP had the slightest hope of winning in Massachusetts they would never have run a guy with nude magazine photos in his portfolio. Even Scott Brown probably didn't think he could win.

Ah, but in the ever-changing world of electoral politics there will always be constants:

No constituency likes being told who they must vote for.

Local and statewide elections are not national referendums. They are local contests.

Nothing is a sure thing.


If you're a political geek, you care about the "why" more than the "who" of the Massachusetts Miracle. Scott Brown ran a near-perfect campaign. His message would have been well received in California, Kansas or Pennsylvania. He convinced the Independent voters of Massachusetts that the country is moving too fast in a scary direction and that he could slow it down. Healthcare was a part, but not all of the debate. Brown avoided polarizing, third-rail issues. He affirmed a woman's right to chose and the rights of gays to marry in his state (by calling these issues "settled law" Brown avoids having to take a stand). He was skillful and he has Kennedy good looks (always a plus in Massachusetts). Aside from the negativity, Brown was brilliant. Mr. Brown is opposed to everything. No one in the GOP seems to be in favor of anything. No alternate ideas. No new proposals. Cap and Trade; bad. Alternatives; none. Obama healthcare; bad. Better ideas; none. Stim; bad. Better idea; no new taxes. How is that a better idea?

Brown had one more advantage... he was incredibly lucky. Make no mistake, luck is a better weapon than nude photos of your opponent.

Senator Brown was lucky in two ways. First he got to run against the dumbest, most inept candidate since Michael Dukakis. The Democratic cardboard candidate, Martha Coakley won a primary in December, thanked everyone for making her the heiress to the Kennedy legacy and went home to await her coronation in January. By the time she realized that she was about to get thumped it was too late. Barack Obama couldn't save her. Victoria Kennedy couldn't save her. Hell, the ghosts of all four Kennedy brothers couldn't resurrect her. Ms. Coakley is now presumably having a beer with Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani at the "What Happened" saloon.

Mr. Brown's second and greatest piece of luck was that he gained popularity so quickly and so close to the election that the Idiot Wing of the Republican Party couldn't get mobilized fast enough to sink his chances. Sarah Palin, who could have been counted on to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory couldn't find Massachusetts on a map. Michael Steele, Chairman of the GOP, wasn't about to detour his celebrity book tour into such hostile territory. Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity, Savage and the rest of the Tea Bag crowd probably saw Brown as insufficiently pure to merit their blessing. Naturally, that hasn't stopped all of them from taking credit for Brown's victory in the name of Anti-Omaba-ites everywhere.

As always, the President of the United States showed himself to be a stand-up guy and a class act. He went to Massachusetts last Sunday knowing that he was burning political capital in a lost cause. Bay Staters might like the President personally but they weren't about to let him sell them this tone-deaf tootsie. When it was all over, the President told Massachusetts that no decision on healthcare would be made until their new senator was seated. Not exactly the Karl Rove playbook.

Thankfully, the elections in New Jersey, Virginia and Massachusetts happened before November 2010. With any luck, Democrats have learned that nothing is for sure. Congressmen and Senators will actually have to make their case to the voters. If healthcare is worth having, it's worth fighting for. This one may actually have to be decided on the issues. Sarah Palin need not apply.

...or are we all resisting the temptation to pray that a building collapses on Rush Limbaugh?

Can there really be a lower form of creature than one who would try to discredit the charity and generosity of an entire country? Is "pond scum" too charitable a term for someone who uses a devastating human tragedy as a pretext to criticize a political leader of whom he disapproves? Must we tolerate a man who clearly has never missed a meal when he attempts to deprive others? Actually, yes, we do. This is America, a country that leads the world in irony. The same system of laws that grants trials to would-be terrorists and demands civil rights for contemptible mass murderers, is the system that allows self-important demigods with a microphone and good Neilson numbers to contaminate our public discourse.


Don't blame Rush Limbaugh. He is merely one of the freaks in the side show; no different from the three-headed dog or the bearded lady. It may be entertaining in a car wreck sort of way but everyone knows it's a fraud. We derive no satisfaction from exposing a bad ventriloquist. Pointing out that professional wrestling is rigged doesn't diminish its entertainment value or commercial success. We retain an empathy for the fool.


We should however, blame the Conservatives and Tea Baggers; people who take great pride in purporting to represent "American Values". These are the people who fancy themselves Real Americans: Average Joes, Anti-intellectual, Anti-elitist, God-fearing, Salt of the Earth, Lunch-pail Heartlanders. People with a endless capacity for compassion. They think of themselves as good neighbors. These are the kind of Americans who say, "I might be opposed to gay marriage but would never refuse charity to a fellow citizen because he's gay". They might disagree with your politics but they will stand beside you in the face of a common enemy. However, these are the people who have remained noticeably silent while one of their most vocal cheerleaders exhorts them to withhold contribution to national charities.


Where is the outrage from Sarah Palin, guest of honor (for a speaking fee of $120,000) at the National Tea Bagger Convention? On the subject of Rush Limbaugh her tweets are silent. How about Glenn Beck? As the man most enriched by the Tea Bag movement, you might expect a small show of compassion for the tens of thousands suffering in Haiti. Surely, just this once, you can closet your inane attacks on Barack Obama and encourage your audience to contribute to the relief effort. Don't hold your breath! Beck has opined that President Obama is dividing the nation by responding quickly to the plight of Haitian citizens. (Haitians who have been without water for seven days might take issue with the term "quick response".) Conservatives have concocted a conspiracy theory around the Presidents response to the tragedy in Haiti and the response to the Christmas Day bombing attempt. Believers are to understand that Obama was quick to react because, after all, "blacks stick together". A slower rescue effort would be anticipated if the earthquake struck Finland.

Sean Hanniy has attempted to marginalize the entire story, instead focusing on the upcoming Massachusetts senate race where, surprise, surprise, the Democrats are in trouble. No one, and I mean no one on the Conservative Right has called a press conference to decry the vile, cynical remarks of Rush Limbaugh.
To his credit, John McCain has labeled Limbaugh's remarks "unhelpful" .


There are two reasons for all this silence. The first is obvious to anyone with eyes. The Tea Bag Movement in America is the most racist organization since the Klu Klux Klan. This mini-army of old white people is threatened by an African American President. It's not about healthcare (which will benefit most of them) or the national deficit (which none of them understands) or even jobs (which most of them have or are retired from). It's about a smiling, well-educated, confident, successful black man running their beloved America. They hate it. Stirred to action by would-be populists like Glenn Beck, these small-minded haters will rally behind any cause, real or imagined, (think: healthcare for illegals or, the President isn't an American citizen) and take to the streets. The only real threat posed by these bigots is, armed with the televised power of Fox News, their movement can appear bigger and more politically powerful than it is. That's a problem.


The other reason for silence on the Right is Rush Limbaugh has a bully pulpit. With a devoted audience of 20 million (scary, eh!), Mr. Limbaugh ensures that no Republican will call him to task, regardless of how outrageous his proclamations. Michael Steele, America's premier Oreo cookie, took a shot and found himself apologizing the next day. Limbaugh gives the impression that he controls Middle America and if you want to get elected. you had better conform.

This is the cruelest joke of all. Limbaugh has exactly zero practical effect on the electoral landscape. In the now forgotten contest to elect a Congressman for New York's 23rd district, Rush's support of the Conservative Doug Hoffman ensured the election of the Democrat, Bill Owens. During the Presidential election of 2008 Rush initially threw his considerable bulk behind Fred Thompson. That campaign lasted about as long as an episode of Law and Order. Unruffled by failure, Limbaugh's next candidate was Mitt Romney. During the later Republican primaries, Limbaugh eviscerated McCain in praise of Romney. How'd that work out? We know how Limbaugh felt about Barack Obama and we know the effect those daily attacks had on the outcome in Nov., 2008.

Limbaugh is a racist and he revels in it. Remember his assertion that Donovan McNabb, quarterback for the Eagles, was coddled because he's black. Or that Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court because he's a racist. And who could forget "Barack the Magic Negro"? Curiously, although millions of Americans absorb a three hour daily dose of Limbaugh bile, few seem willing to drag his dreck to the voting booth. Perhaps those 20 million listeners can discern serious political discourse from buffoonery. Maybe, like pro wrestling, most fans get the joke. You don't have to wear big floppy shoes and a ball on your nose to be identified as a clown. Who would take political guidance from Bozo?

Nevertheless, shame on those who fail to call political commentators to task when they cross the line. Those calling for the head of Muslim clerics who incite violence are slow to apply the same standards to hate mongers in our own country. Republicans, take heart. After all, why would anyone want to be elected to anything by people who follow Rush Limbaugh?...except maybe Sarah Palin.

...or is the catchphrase "I don't want to dwell on the past" an acceptable criminal defense?

The news has been replete lately with public figures who just want to move on. First we had the inflatable Mark McGuire who, unlike his recent self flagellation, told Congress in 2005 "I'm not here to talk about the past". Wise choice in that McGuire's past included a cornucopia of performance-enhancing drugs. Considering McGuire's recent performance for Bob Costas (Mark has obviously traded steroids for botox and #10 pancake) he might have been better off to stay in the medicine closet. His assertion that the drugs he ingested, injected and ran through barefoot had no effect on his home run production sounded as ridiculous as suggesting that air pressure has no discernible effect on the bounce capability of a basketball.

McGuire apparently intended, with his non-testimony before Congress, that he would blithely move on to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Clearly Mr. McGuire's ego was as inflated as his biceps and his hat size. The baseball writers who guard the Hall in Cooperstown with their votes take a dim view of players who owe their statistic excellence to Johnson & Johnson and Merck rather than to Spalding or Hillerich and Bradsby. Mark McGuire's best chance for admission to the Hall of Fame will be if they create a Steroids/HGH wing. Guests will include Sammy(my English fails me under oath) Sosa and Bobby ('roids made me strong as a horse but also made me a horse's ass) Bonds. Naturally the wing will have an inflatable roof.

Our second guest in the "let's not dwell on the past" spotlight is John McCain. The former Republican Presidential Candidate was interviewed this week regarding revelations in the new book "Game Changer". According to sources in the book, McCain knew more about the valet at the Phoenician Hotel than he did about the Kewpie doll he nominated for Vice President. When asked about the appalling lack of vetting regarding Sister Sarah, McCain smiled that "edge of Alzheimer's" smile he has perfected and told Matt Lauer "I'm not going to comment on things that happened over a year ago." There's a 50/50 chance that he won't comment because he can't remember. If you proposed a woman for national office who thinks Morocco is a musical instrument or that Einstein is famous for his bagel recipe, you'd want to forget all about it, too. Unfortunately, the vapid, empty-headed, former Miss Wasilla didn't disappear back into the tundra after the votes were counted. Like that pizza you ate too late at night Ms. Palin has regurgitated all over the American landscape.

Interestingly, McCain doesn't mind living in the past when the past includes his impressive war record or his time as U.S. Senator. His selective amnesia (from August to November, 2008) is no doubt triggered by the grim reminder that Sarah Palin was not Joe Lieberman in drag. She's more like Glen Beck in glasses. If I'd turned Sarah Palin loose on this unsuspecting world, I'd change the subject also.

Anyway, the moral of the story is if you have done something heinous or just stupid and you are called to task, merely indicate that you don't want to dwell on the past. This defense might have served several characters in history quite well. Imagine if George Armstrong Custer had lived to stand trial for incompetence. As he was picking arrows out of his epaulets he might have stood fully erect and proclaimed "Yes I did recklessly lead 208 men to their death along the Little Big Horn River in 1876 but I prefer not to dwell on the sins of the past..." This might even work for Karl Rove, if only we could forget him.

...or should all athletes who want to carry guns be sent to Haiti to prevent looting?

Here in the Nation's Capital we have what must be considered the dreadful collection of sports franchises in America. Aside from the hockey Capitals, Washington teams have finished, or are currently sitting, dead last. The Redskins (still sporting the most despicable and racist name in all sports) have recently finished a pitiful 4-12 and lost every game in their division. They have subsequently fired everybody down to the guy who sells foam fingers. There is some cause for modest hope for the Nationals baseball team but, in that Washington has a long standing tradition of making Thunderbirds into Pintos, don't hold your breath.

Then there's basketball. For 45 years the Washington Wizards were owned by the very smart, very decent Abe Pollin. Pollin, who won his only league championship in 1978, actually changed the name of his team from Bullets to Wizards. He said that Bullets carried a negative connotation in a city with a soaring murder rate. (Washington leads the league in irony.) Pollin died in November, 2009 and many will say it was a blessing. At least he didn't have to watch the stupidity playing out in the locker room and the criminal courts.

Everyone knows by now that Wizards star shooting guard (I told you about that irony) Gilbert Arenas, has been arrested and charged with felony gun possession in connection with a locker room dispute involving fellow baller Jarvis Crittenton. Arenas has been suspended indefinitely by Commissioner David Stern. Stern spends most of his waking hours doing the labor of Sisyphus. His chore is to keep 450 overpaid, pampered basketball players off the front pages and out of jail. Lots of luck, Dave.

There is nothing particularly new about athletes in legal trouble (Commentator Tony Kornheiser calls these stories "Jocks in the Stocks"). The aspect of this particular event that causes head-shaking is Arenas' assertion that when the story first broke, the Wizards organization turned their back on him. No kidding! This would be the same Wizards organization that signed a $111 million contract with "Agent Zero" in 2008. Since then Arenas has played in 34 games out of 164 due to injury. Through two dreadful seasons with Arenas on the bench the Wizards remained patient and considerate. Now that he's finally laced up his Gil Zero sneeks the team still sucks. Where's the love for poor Gil? Where's the loyalty for a player who's given so much? If I were current team owner Ted Leonsis I'd drive the paddy wagon to the poky myself. Then I'd drive to my lawyer's office and have Arenas' contract voided for moral turpitude and felony stupidity.


Frankly, is anyone surprised to hear these stories? Professional basketball recruits teenagers from humble or at best modest origins. Boys who have never held a real job or balanced a checkbook are given millions of dollars, provided with role-models like Alan Iverson and Charles Barkley and turned loose in America's biggest cities all winter.
Seriously, I love Sir Charles but he really should be kept away from children and small pets.

The wonder is that more basketball players don't end up in prison or in hospitals.
We cannot and should not deprive young talented athletes of the opportunity to make big money in sports. That's the American dream. If, however, you insist upon acting the fool and endangering others with a gun or a car or your fists, your punishment may be as outsized as your income. We don't ask much. Play your sport. Fiddle with your X-Box and your ipod. Give inane interviews and try to be a role model to America's street urchins...instead of the other way around.

...or were you surprised to learn that Mrs. Robinson was alive and living in Ireland?

As long as the Irish aren't killing each other, or members of the British military, Americans normally don't follow the sturm and drang of politics in Dublin or Belfast. However nothing gets our hearts racing and our toes tapping like the scent of a good scandal and there's a dilly unfolding in the Old Sod.


Since Our Man Clinton helped broker the Good Friday Accords in April 1998, the Protestant DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) and the Catholic Sinn Fein have been haltingly marching toward maintaining a government that will insure everyone's rights and keep the IRA off the barricades. It's rare to encounter a story about the government in Belfast without seeing the word "fragile". Both sides have compromised and, although the process is contentious, the peace has held.


The next phase is for the police and justice departments in the North to be transferred from London to Belfast. In that the police in Northern Ireland have been viewed by the Catholics as the oppressive arm of the Protestant majority, this is a big deal. Naturally, the Protestants are dragging their feet at the prospect of losing exclusive control of the only armed force in the country. Tempers are running high and resignations are being threatened.


Proving once again that politics and farce are first cousins, the leader of the DUP, Peter Robinson, has been forced to "stand aside" temporally amid a delightful scandal involving his wife Iris and her teenage lover. Mrs.Robinson (the British press is having a field day with the name) was also a member of the DUP and was expelled last week. The issue isn't the impropriety of shtupping a teenager (Mrs. Robinson is 60), but because Mrs. R used a loan to set the young man, Kirk McCampley, up in the cafe business. Apparently the Irish don't care who you sleep with as long as you don't declare the hotel cost as a business expense.


The story is instructive only in that it begs comparison with the recent transgressions among American politicians. In Ireland, any sexual scandal in the family, even if it wasn't the officeholder directly is grounds for resignation. In America, you can boink: 1) Argentine news women, 2) your chief of staff's wife, 3) every hooker in Louisiana or even, 4) the guy in the next stall and blithely show up for work the next day. You can run as the "family values" candidate even if you're single-handedly trying to start multiple families. My Irish is a little rusty so I don't know the words for hypocrite, shame-faced or fraud but I'm guessing they don't have English equivalents.


But I digress. The issue is the tryst in Belfast. No indication has emerged as to the future of the Robinson marriage. (Fortunately, the Prods take a more liberal view of divorce than do the Papists.) Mrs. Robinson has yet to explain why she abandoned the traditional pen and pencil set as a high school graduation present in favor of a south Belfast cafe. Perhaps "it's a little secret. Just the Robinson's affair. Most of all you've got to hide it from the ..press". Cou cou ca cho!

...or will Sarah Palin have a better view of Russia from a seat at Fox News?

Good for Sarah. Having graduated from Twitter and Facebook (although it is an incremental step) our girl Sarah has signed a contract to occasionally, when she's in the mood, when the book tour is over, appear sporadically on some show on Fox News. I know I've marked my calendar. This is a good thing. Not only will we be able to keep an eye on her for the next three years but, now America will have someone to obsess over once Rod Blogojevich goes to prison. The Right can remind themselves why they fell in love with her in the first place and the Left can tear their hair out wondering why anyone would pay attention to a national politician who thinks that Cameroon is a type of coconut cookie.

We wish Sister Sarah all the success in the world. Unless and until Fox hires Katie Couric, it should be smooth sailing.

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On the "Who Gives A S**t" scale for today, the top spot goes to the heartbreaking news that Simon Cowel will be leaving American Idol after this season. Honestly, why would anyone with an IQ in double digits possibly care where this irritating man spends the next 50 years? When one considers the success of shows like American Idol and The Weakest Link the only conclusion is Americans get some perverse pleasure from being abused by almost anyone with a British accent. It's apparently entertaining to tell someone they're a no talent clod as long as you sound like the GEICO gecko. Has anyone asked Simon Cowel to sing? or act? or do anything that doesn't involve tee shirts two sizes too small?

Cowel is said to be contemplating a new show on Fox for 2011. Security is tight but rumor has it that the show will involve Sarah Palin debating a bag of doorknobs. Moderated by Cowel and Mike Huckabee, the majority of the show will be devoted to correcting Ms. Palin's pronunciation of nuclear. The fallback option is "The Real Housewives of Wasilla".


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Because the theme for today appears to be Fox News, we would be remiss not to mentioni the recent comment of retired news anchor Brit Hume. Mr. Hume was participating in a free-for-all editorial discussion, which is to be distinguished from news broadcasts in that no actual facts are permitted. When asked about the current predicament of America's favorite golfer, Mr. Hume donned his clerical collar and allowed that Tiger Woods should embrace the Christian faith. Brit explained that Woods, a nominal Buddhist, would never receive the forgiveness and redemption he needs unless he steps into the Light.

Normally, we would mercilessly eviscerate Mr. Hume for presuming to tell someone that their religion didn't measure up and that Christianity was the only path to salvation. However, in this case we are giving Brit a pass. Mr. Hume lost a son to suicide in 1998 and, according to his later commentary, it was his faith in Christ that got him through his grief. Because I have no frame of reference here, Mr. Hume gets a mulligan.

...or can you really see Russia from Wyoming?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Joe Lieberman. Maybe it's me but can you really caucus with the Democrats when you oppose almost everything that Democrats were elected to fix? Joe is in favor of the U.S. attacking neutral countries in the Middle East (do you sense a pro Israel bias?), he opposes any form of healthcare (that would be his pro insurance company bias) and, so far as we can tell, is opposed to affirmative action and tort reform. Wow! If he ever changes his position on guns, he'll be to the right of Lindsey Graham. Calling Joe Lieberman a Democrat or an Independent is like calling Bill O'Reilly a Liberal because he's left-handed. In this country you run as an Independent when neither party will tolerate you.



On a related subject my Washington Post reported this week that both John McCain and Joe Lieberman have publicly expressed their support for the use of drones. A quick check of Dictionary.com informs us that a drone is a parasitic loafer or, a dull, monotonous sound. Any questions?.


If, perchance, their frame of reference was military drones, mindless missiles that are guided remotely and strike random targets with no ability to distinguish friend from foe, it is not difficult to understand why McCain and Lieberman would defend one of their own.



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And then there are those who make writing this blog just too easy. Enter Rudy Giuliani. America's Mayor has once again cranked open his large Italian mouth only to insert his Buster Browns. Not content to continue his shameless 9-11 exploitation tour, Rudy is appearing on TV chat shows to opine on the state of security in the U.S. Giuliani operates on the theory that, if you are walking down the street and a piano falls on your head, you are now an expert in Classical music. By this logic Tiger Woods, having had an encounter with a fire hydrant, would be qualified to lecture on the state of Ft. Lauderdale's urban water distribution.


Rudy's recent pronouncement, made to George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America, was that there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush 43 administration. Now I'm not one to place blame but, technically speaking, George W. Bush was Commander in Chief, at least nominally, on Sept. 11, 2001. Being out to lunch doesn't mean you don't still have the job. Stephanopoulos was so stunned, he didn't ask Rudy to explain 9-11, Richard Reid, aka, the shoe bomber, and several other events which took place between Jan. 2001 and Jan 2009. Perhaps Rudy forgot that it's rude to remind Little George that Dick Cheney was really in charge for those eight years.

The elections of 2010 will be very exciting to be sure but I'm a bit sad at the prospect of races for governor and senator in New York without Rudy Giuliani. This self-important dirtbag has yet to even address the firefighters of his city who feel that his decisions immediately following the World Trade Center bombings cost several lives. Rudy is too cowardly to run for office in New York. To do so would incur the wrath of the state's most vocal and visceral voting block...Rudy's ex-wives.


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If Muslims are at all curious to learn why the non-Muslim world is getting a little fed up with them, forget exploding Fruit of the Looms and focus on Kuala Lumpur. Muslims in Malaysia are protesting/rioting over a High Court decision permitting Malaysian Christians to use the word Allah in print pronouncements. Seriously; the followers of Islam are so touchy that they take to the streets to protect the word Allah. We're not talking Dutch cartoons here, we're talking about their word for God. Pretty soon Muslims will want us to stop talking about beaded taxicab seats.

We all want to be tolerant but, the followers of Allah (sorry!) are trying the world's patience. For the first 1,000 years of its existence, Islam led the world in science, mathematics and culture. While the Irish were throwing mud balls at each other, the scholars of the East were charting the heavens and producing the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Unfortunately the second millennium has been less productive. Like Christianity, Islam's paranoia has grown along with its popularity. Unlike Christianity, Islam's response to its self-described victimization has been violence and gross overreaction.


Muslims of today want things both ways. They immigrate to non-Muslim countries, demand the right of non-assimilation and, grab their pitchforks and torches at every perceived slight. They're only missing their own Al Sharpton. Maybe I'm a closet bigot but Islam is a religion, an organization built around prayer and devotion to God. Your rights extend only to the door of your mosque. Once you're on the street your rights have obligations. You are obliged to accommodate your religion to your cultural surroundings. If France, The Netherlands or Malaysia offends your religious sensibilities, either get over it or leave. Rioting, skyjacking and incendiary skivvies are not acceptable options. Neither is telling Malaysian Christians which words they can use.


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...or am I the only one who cares where reindeer go in January?

It's only January and already there are reasons to move to Europe. To wit:

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Dick Cheney is an overwhelming, raging, galactic asshat. (OK it's not as catchy as "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" but I'm no poet.) This man needs to take his sneering back-seat driving, fear-mongering keester to The Wyoming Home for Presidential Wannabees and wait quietly for the Almighty to call him home. If that sounds harsh, tough. Cheney is causing right thinking Americans to address an issue we thought we'd never say out loud...George W. Bush is behaving like a classy, principled statesman. Ech!

After each and every international incident, our former bucket of warm piss (that's the original John Nance Garner quote) runs directly toward the first open mike to decry the failed policies of Barack Obama. Who is this guy? Jesse Jackson? Listen Mr. Cheney, the only thing in America "less safe" is a President who is being depicted as weak and conciliatory in the face of danger. The folks most receptive to this message are also the inbred survivalists who share two disturbing traits: low IQ's and gun ownership.

If Dick Cheney really cared about America he would return to Mooseshit, Wyoming or wherever he's from, shut his mouth and type out his gripping life story on an old Royal. He can start with his glorious military record.

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If Dick Cheney doesn't have you reaching for your passport, try this... a recent Gallup Poll inquiring as to whom Americans most admire, showed Glenn Beck in the number two spot just behind Nelson Mandela. Hey, I'm as shocked as you. Not that my countrymen admire Glenn Beck. I'm amazed that any of these appleheads know who Nelson Mandela is. They probably think he's some Italian guy or the guy that hosts Deal or No Deal. The survey showed Beck ahead of Bill Gates, Billy Graham and even George W. Bush. They're probably still mad at W for not running for a third term.

Seriously, we thought that young America getting their news from Jon Stewart was a problem. Now we learn that the country is following the guidance of a man who makes Sarah Palin look like Margaret Thacher. It would be OK if Beck's audience understood that he's making it up as he goes along. (There really aren't subliminal communist messages in the friezes adorning Rockefeller Center.) You would be wise however, not to jump to that conclusion. Beck's disciples might not take everything to heart but they do possess a fundamental affinity for the overarching message: namely that America is in the incapable hands of a liberal ideologue who stands in opposition to American Exceptionalism.

In the Gospel According to Beck: showing respect to other world leaders is a sign of weakness, attempting to negotiate disputes with foreign governments is almost traitorous and, supporting healthcare legislation is socialist...or communist...or fascist. (Beck uses these terms interchangeably, secure in the knowledge that his audience will not know the difference...or care.)

The show's logic is compelling as long as no one is available to present a counter argument. All opinions are acceptable if you wrap yourself in the flag. It works like this:
1) Healthcare is bad because it's bad for America and I love America.
2) Obama is trying to backdoor reparations for slavery which is unfair to Americans and, of course, I love Americans.
3) Healthcare will cause older Americans to be lined up and shot which is unfair to older Americans but may possibly provide needed employment for gun owners. Nevertheless I love America.

This claptrap plays well to older, white Americans who somehow feel that Barack Obama wasn't elected by them and doesn't represent them. Change is scary and these people are scared. Beck plays on that fear like a cheap kazoo. He reaffirms the paranoia that every liberal change since Reconstruction is unfortunate. Every new policy is a disguised conspiracy to turn our beloved country over to minorities, illegals and welfare Cadillac drivers. Hell, if some guy showed up on my TV every day and told me what I wanted to hear, I'd admire him too. But wait! Someone does that...Steven Colbert.

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The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 37-0 in the last game to be played in Giants Stadium. What made the event memorable, aside from the obvious, is that the game was dry. This was not a weather related occurrence but a conscious decision by the club not to serve alcohol during the contest. The combined issues of a late start (8 PM) and that it was the last game to be played in that building caused a heroically rational decision by the the club, choosing respect for life over beer revenue. Congratulations to the Jets ownership although I suspect an ulterior motive. Considering the outrageous prices of tickets in the new stadium, the Jets could hardly contribute to the accidental death of anyone crazy enough to pay for them.

Unfortunately, if predictably, not everyone was thrilled with the decision to force Jet fans to get drunk before game time. New Jersey distiller Majorska Vodka expressed outrage at the tea-tottling attitude of the Jets owners. The company urged Jets fans to boycott Johnson & Johnson products (Jets owner Woody Johnson is heir to the J&J fortune) for 24 hours. This is an understandable response in that the similarity between Majorska Vodka and J&J rubbing alcohol is imperceptible. They're practically competitors.

In any event, I'm sure that Jets fans, ingenious as they are, found myriad ways to smuggle a little hooch into Giants stadium Sunday night. After all, who could pass up the opportunity to act the drunken fool in front of a national television audience?

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By the way, in voting for Asshat Of The Year we wouldn't want to leave out our favorite Senator from Connecticut Joe Lieberman. Sadly, I'm all raged out. More tomorrow.