...or should all GOP presidential hopefuls arrive at debates in a clown car?

Donald Trump? Really? Michele Bachmann? Really?

If you love Barack Obama and want to see his Presidency last forever, send a few bucks to the Political Action Committee of Michele Bachmann and the campaign war chest of Donald Trump. These two wannabes would look perfect atop the cake at Newt Gingrich's next wedding.

First we have Donald Trump: the man who has managed to give wealth a bad name. This guy has elevated douchbaggery to heights rarely seen in the popular culture. OK, this is America. If you have the money and appallingly bad taste, you can buy stuff and slap your name all over it; including multiple hotels, golf courses, casinos and wives. You can leverage your celebrity and obnoxious personality to buy a TV show and parade your lack of talent to an audience of marginally employed people who think watching someone get fired is entertaining. (The only way Donald Trump looks credible is standing next to Gary Busey and Meatloaf.) What you cannot do is delude yourself into believing that your fifteen minutes of self-inflated fame qualifies you to be President. Hey, Sponge Bob Square Pants has a following too but no one wants him to be commander-in-chief.

Normally we would just ignore an airbag like Trump but that was before candidate and cartoon began to merge. Unfortunately, any effort to turn this farce into a pseudo-legitimate run for the White House (or dog-catcher in Perth Amboy) demeans the entire process. Sarah Palin might be all sizzle - no steak but Trump left his sizzle in his other suit. He's a nasty, self important, thrice-married, bankrupt who believes if you pontificate on your greatness enough, you must be great. If the Republicans wanted a preening self-promoter, why not Charlie Sheen?

One notch over on the "seriously" meter we have Michele Bachmann. Ms. Bachmann possesses many of the credentials desirable in a candidate for national office. She has a law degree (although a law degree from Oral Roberts University is only a half-step up from a medical degree from Doctor Who U). Michele actually spent one year at a real law school, William and Mary, where she obtained an LL.M in tax law. She currently holds political office: Congressperson from Minnesota's sixth District. This, however is where the serious stuff stops.

Ms. Bachmann has learned much about how to succeed in national politics from her mentor, Sarah Palin. She has learned that an appalling lack of facts is no impediment to political credibility among tea baggers. You can stand in front of your fans and: 1) pontificate on the Founding Fathers and their opposition to slavery and, 2) remind the citizens of New Hampshire that, contrary to Rand McNally, Lexington and Concord are theirs to claim. Statements like these aren't just slips of the tongue. They are symptomatic of a new type of campaigning. Candidates like Palin and Bachmann can misstate any fact to suit the occasion knowing that their adoring fans either don't know the truth or don't care. Criticism by the legitimate press will be regarded as nitpicking by liberals eager to find fault with any small error. The campaign slogan should be, "Ignorance, Once Embraced, Can Be A Virtue" or, "Screw the History. I'm For Bachmann".

As a practicing liberal, I should be delighted that the race for the nomination in the GOP is beginning to resemble the village idiots convention. However, as an American, I'm troubled at the seriousness of unserious candidates. Every over zealous Christian goober that caucuses for Michele Bachmann increases the chances that some fringe candidate could be nominated. Remember all the protest votes for Ralph Nader in Florida in 2000? As fast as you could say 5 to 4 decision, GWB was President. People, if you must protest something, protest Presidential candidates whose list of qualifications is smaller than Dick Cheney's Facebook friend list.

...or do we really need to see more of Christine O'Donnell?

OK, where was I... Item The producers of ABC's Dancing with the Stars have apparently run out of "about-to-be-jailed politicians (Tom DeLay) and celeb wanna be's (Bristol Palin). They have now moved to clownish office-seekers. Christine O'Donnell, the Witchy Woman of Delaware, has been invited to trip the light fantastic on network TV for the amusement of the masses for whom reruns of Baywatch requires too much concentration. In case your gag reflex prevents you from reflecting on the election of 2010, Ms. O'Donnell was the Senate candidate from Delaware who lived on her campaign contributions and ran her election effort out of the back door of her condo. (Memo to Christine; "No grass...no grass roots.") Considering the stumbling, fumbling campaign effort mounted by Ms. O'Donnell, it's a bit of a shock to think she can cut a rug. (Calling Donald Trump). Assuming DWTS survives another season or two, we can, no doubt, expect a visit from: O.J. Simpson (who once danced his way out of two murder convictions), Ollie North (whose jitterbug in front of a Congressional committee is the stuff of legends) and perhaps even Karl Rove. Who wouldn't pay to watch twinkle-toes Karl trip his opponents and put liniment in their tights? Anyway, Dancing With the Stars, popular as it is, will be merely the teaser for the reality show that everyone is waiting for: Survivor, Iowa. ___________________________________________________________________ And speaking of Iowa, who thought it would be a good idea to have the Presidential election process begin in the middle of a corn field? I've heard of opening a show on the road but this is like touring Hair in Saudi Arabia. Face it: the cultural and political interests of Davenport and Ames are as close to the population at large as corn is to a corndog. If Iowa coughs up a hairball like Michelle Bachmann or, God forbid, Donald Trump, the electorate will be forced to accept the legitimacy of a candidate whose only attribute is interesting hair. Think about it: currently about 13% of the American population is African-American and another 4.5% is Asian. In Iowa the percentage of black people is significantly affected by the success of basketball and football recruiting at the University of Iowa and Iowa State. Aside from the engineering deptartments at Iowa's major universities, Asians would be tougher to find than Jews. The Iowa process for candidate selection isn't even an actual primary election; it's a caucus. For those of you unfamiliar with this process, a caucus is a meeting of all the Republicans (or Democrats) from a precinct. The winner is determined by whoever shouts the loudest. Now that our candidate has has conquered the overalls contingent in Bettendorf, it's on to another state that always reflects the mood of the population at large...New Hampshire. Some have speculated that the first actual primary of the season is held in New Hampshire as a test for potential candidates. If you can brave the snow and cold of New England in February, you're the man/woman for us. From there it's a quick ride down the coast to the single most batshit state in the Union...South Carolina. Honestly, is it any wonder that this bollixed-up process produced candidates like Tom Harkin and Dick Gephardt for the Dems and Pat Buchanan and George W. Bush for the GOP? (I told you it was screwed up!) Considering America's penchant for reality television, why not take a page out of the American Idol playbook: Assemble a few B-list celebrities, encourage them to berate and otherwise verbally abuse the potential candidates then, have Republicans from all over America call in and vote for their favorite. It couldn't be any worse than the current process and at least you could watch someone like Steven Tyler criticize Donald Trump for having hair stupider than his.

...or can we declare State Rep. Carl Wimmer of Utah the official state moron?

More reasons to move to Europe...



Apparently firearms aren't prevalent enough in America. The State of Utah is about to christen the Browning .45-caliber automatic pistol as the official state handgun. Perfect! Henceforth the victims of senseless school shootings or drug-fueled robberies will have the privilege of knowing that they have been ventilated by the official state gun of Utah.

Rep. Wimmer has glorified the Browning as "having defended liberty and freedom around the Country and around the world". Curiously, no mention was made of the thousands of innocent victims of accidental shootings. Scant attention was paid to the endless string of suicides whose success was assured by the high velocity, high powered .45. The rush to glorify the ownership and public display of guns in mostly red, western states is disgusting and shameful. Consider the brainstorm of failed quarterback Congressman Heath Shuler of North Carolina who, in response to the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, has decided to "carry a gun more often" and encouraged his staff to apply for "carry" permits. One can only imagine the loss of life in Tuscon had the staff of Congresswoman Giffords returned fire on Jan. 8th.

The Supremes said you can own a gun. They also said that hand gun laws are unconstitutional. That doesn't mean that we should canonize John Moses Browning. What's next? the Winchester Highway in Connecticut or the Colt International Airport? Let's be proud about something else.




And speaking of the Supremes, Justice Clarence Thomas, old Mr. "I got my handouts so screw you" has been allowed to "amend" his federal income tax returns from 2003 to 2007. It seems that Judge Thomas neglected to include $680,000 in payments to his wife by the Heritage Foundation. In my country we have a name for people who under-report their income...defendant. Seriously, how is this not a felony? Should any one of you "forget" to include so much as a savings bank dividend, the folks at the IRS can descend upon you with the full might of the tax code. So how is it that Judge "don't pick on me I had a rough childhood" Thomas is allowed a do-over? Eat your heart out Al Capone!



And just when you thought it was safe to return to Barnes and Noble (where copies of S. Palin books are used to support shelves for real books) a new weasel is heard from. Donald "Mr. Sunny" Rumsfeld has authored a new tome which, according to reviewers, can be summed up in two words..."Weren't me".


Rumsfeld blames everybody but the manager of the Pentagon Starbucks for the botched war effort in Iraq from 2003 to his ignominious departure in 2007. Absent are the mea culpas for America's being totally unprepared to occupy Iraq, the insufficient troop strength for the occupation, or the institutional abuses at Abu Ghraib. To hear Don tell it, he was barely involved with the war at all. Colin Powell was wrong, Condoleezza Rice was wrong, all the generals were wrong, John McCain was wrong and President Bush was right but his advice was wrong. This from the man who gave us the quote "I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think and well, I assume that's what I said." Now who could argue with that?


Anyway, the book, entitled "Known and Unknown" extends Rumsfeld excuses and buck-passing across 800 pages. Hell, there isn't even an apology for all those senselessly killed trees.


BTW on the subject of strange, interesting, bizarre quotes; attend the tale of recently elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus. Chairman Priebus, while speaking to a media conference, disclaimed three times "Obama should be executed". Context indicates that he was talking about Osama bin Laden but hey, what do I know?

...or can we start contributing to the Michelle Bachmann For President campaign now?

Whether Barack Obama is Christian, Muslim, or a secret Druid, he is clearly praying to the right God. The Republican Party is far more fractured in victory than they ever were in defeat. That cute little gaggle of old white people in funny hats calling themselves the Tea Party has metastasized into the largest hemorrhoid seen in politics since Ralph Nader screwed up Florida for Al Gore. Having spent the entire summer drinking their own kool-aid, they are in the process of derailing what was, for a few minutes, a tidy Republican success. The GOP is yearning for the days when their ranks were filled with rich, dignified white guys who sent money and lobbyists but otherwise stayed in the background. Waking up the rabble has a price.


Last night's State of the Union rebuttal by the Republicans was the clearest example yet that Tea Baggers think the election was a victory for them alone. Not content to allow Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, himself a tea bag darling, to deliver the rebuttal to the President's speech, the baggers demanded a second rebuttal from Michelle Bachmann. You may remember Ms. Bachmann from such profound pronouncements as calling President Obama "anti-American" and stating that the census could be used to create internment camps. In keeping with the inflamatory rhetoric favored by the baggers, Rep. Bachmann suggested that Americans be "armed and dangerous" when fighting climate-change legislation. Ms. Bachmann might have used more caution in the selection of a platform for her coming out. The last two Republicans who spoke after Barack Obama: Bobby Jindal of Louisiana and Bob McDonnell of Virginia made a hash of the opportunity and disappeared into the political wilderness for years. Moral: Don't f**k with the eagles if you can't fly.


First Jese Ventura now Michelle Bachmann. Someone needs to check the hallucinogenic properties of the ink used on Minnesota ballots. At least Ventura was a self-inflected wound. Bachmann is in the Congress for God's sake. Flush from her recent landslide in Minnesota's sixth district (population 600,000. Same as Alaska) Michelle has been seen stalking the corn fields of Iowa. FYI. Bachmann's Congressional campaign cost almost $9 million and she polled 159,500 votes. At that rate, Michelle will need just shy of $3 billion to match Barack Obama's vote total from 2008. Because nobody, including Iowans, spend winters in Iowa unless they have presidential aspirations, Ms. Bachmann's motives are a tad transparent. (She is polling fifth in Iowa but that was before her Tuesday night speech.)


Michelle is the latest example of a clown who thinks she should be ringmaster. Being Queen of the Crazies is great as long as you confine yourself to being keynote speaker at the village idiots convention in International Falls. As Sarah P. is discovering however, the wider universe expects a little more than dopey platitudes. National politics is about broadening your base and offering America the hope of tomorrow. Telling the country that we are "under attack" and on the eve of destruction frightens the children and causes voters to seek a candidate a touch less apocalyptic.


Still, 2012 is a long way off. Hotels in Iowa and New Hampshire will continue to do a brisk business as a small army of presidential hopefuls gallump through the state. We have yet to hear from Tim Pawlenty, Minnesota's current governor and resident Casper Milquetoast. Still hovering around the hive are such diverse options as: Jon Huntsman, current Ambassador to China, David Patreaus, our superstar general in the mideast, Haley Barbour, the Boss Hog from Mississippi and a Georgia talk show host named Herman Cain. Meanwhile, The Prez is wearing out his prayer rug. He doesn't much care who the ultimate Republican victor is, as long as it's a fair fight. A long, gruesome, expensive divisive, ugly fair fight.

...or might it be possible trade with the Italians? They take the cast of Jersey Shore. We take Silvio Berlusconi.

Item

In 1997, without any provocation, the people of Italy inflicted upon the United States an irritation called Roberto Benigni. His Academy Award acceptance in 1998 caused Academy members to yearn for the no-show days of Woody, Brando and George C. Scott. Well it's taken thirteen years but America is about to get even.


MTV (hard to believe they're still around) has announced that next year's season of Jersey Shore will be filmed in Sicily. Governor Chris Christie should call a press conference and take credit for ridding the Garden State of the plague that is Jersey Shore. This squad of self-absorbed guidos (their term, not mine) has been the worst thing to happen to the Eastern Shore since syringes began washing up on the Tom's River beach. Fortunately, Italy's pain is our gain. While America scrambles to discover a way to revoke Snooki's passport, the Italians will be faced with explaining how, in just a couple of generations, solid Italian immigrants could morph into loud, loutish cartoons. Guess the Corleone's are looking pretty good about now.



__________________________________________________________________


Item


Is it even possible to violate Jesse "the Body" Ventura? The former pro wrestler and Minnesota governor (it's difficult to determine which job required less mental acuity) is suing both the TSA and the Dept of Homeland Security. It seems that The Bod feels that full body scans and full pat-downs are a violation of his Constitutional protection against illegal searches. Wonderful! Another asylum is heard from.


Having served the people of the State of Minnesota a steady diet of not much from 1999 to 2003, Ventura has been mostly a bit player in both politics and film. Actually, most people think Ventura and Hulk Hogan are the same guy. Now that he has his own TV show on truTV, a cable station with an audience in the high three figures, Ventura is using the courts to flog his ratings. You see, my friends, the show is called "Conspiracy Theory". Get it? The TSA is "conspiring" to steal your rights. WOW! Think it's a coincidence that Lou Gehrig got Lou Gehrig's disease? Oh you naive fools. Watch my show.

If ever a trial judge needed to issue a gag order, this is it; retroactive to 1999 if possible. Unfortunately, the rest of us won't need a judge's order to gag.


___________________________________________________________________

Item

In a move deemed long overdue, the Marriott Hotel Corp announced that it would no longer offer guests the opportunity to watch "adult content" films in Marriott hotel rooms. Yes folks, after God knows how many years of raking in countless millions peddling smut to its guests, the deeply conservative, Mormon-owned Marriotts have finally succumbed to pressure groups like Focus on the Family. Seriously, could these people be any less fun?

Apparently, those upright execs at Marriott had held forth for all these years, defending your right to watch porn in your room. Compared to the trouble you might get into on the streets or in the bars of America, a little in-room skin seemed a harmless vice. Besides, argued Marriott, the average viewing time was clocked at only about seven minutes. What's all the fuss about movies that couldn't hold viewer attention any longer than that?


At least Marriott guests will find new reasons to reach for the Book of Mormon, mostly to prop-up your iphone so you won't need two hands to watch downloaded porn.





__________________________________________________________________

...or does our love for nostalgia extend to the HUAC?

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear: those golden days of race-separate water fountains when Asians were chinks, (or Japs or slopes), Mexicans were (and maybe still are) wet-backs and there was a communist under every bed. Enter the House Un-American Activities Committee.

Formed in 1938 the HUAC heard testimony about possible subversive elements in American society. The country was sliding into the Second World War and there was real fear in the land that German and Japanese sympathizers would undermine the war effort. Communism was alive and well in Russia. Many intellectuals in America dreamed of, and lectured on, the perfect workers state from the safety and comfort of their tenured university positions. The Committee was determined to expose anyone thought to be a danger to the security of the Nation. The effort was noble and may actually have helped keep America terror-free during the war.

By 1945 the Committee became a permanent part of the Congressional agenda. By then all eyes had turned to the Red Menace. Communists were seen everywhere from the State Dept. to the high school classroom but especially in the motion picture industry. More than 300 actors, writers and producers were blacklisted. Failure to give evidence was seen as traitorous (See also The Crucible). It was not until after Jerry Rubin and Abby Hoffman made a mockery of the Committee's attempts to portray the anti-war movement as Communist, that the HUAC went away for good in 1975.

And so you say: why drag this unsightly bit of baggage out of the Congressional closet now? I'm glad you asked. Now that the Republicans are in charge of the House and committee chairmanships pass to them, Peter King of New York (actually Long Island) has assumed the top seat on the Homeland Security Committee. His first official act was to schedule hearings on the "radicalization of Muslims in America". This particular witch hunt will, if successful, inflame the already increasing Islamophobia loose in America. Presumably that is Mr. King's intent.


Muslims comprise something like 0.01% of the population. Nearly 25% of them are American-born converts; many of those are black. There are 1,209 mosques in America. Most are in big cities, like Newark and Detroit. (Actually we should be delighted that someone wants to fill out the population in Newark and Detroit.) Most have jobs, raise families, attend local soccer games, eat at Wendy's and otherwise comport themselves as normal Americans. Singling out any religious group for special scrutiny isn't just racist, it's un-American. Besides, most mosques are peopled with more FBI informers and undercover agents than the Hoover building.

Rep. King has already expressed his disdain for American Muslims during the "Ground Zero Mosque" dust-up. King has postulated that "80 to 85% of American mosques are populated by Islamic fundamentalists". King offered as proof of this outrageous claim the same facts presented by Sen. Joseph McCarthy regarding communists in the State Dept in the 1950's...none. King is very selective in his condemnation of terrorists. In the 1980's King was a frequent and vocal supporter of the murderous exploits of the Irish Republican Army in Northern Ireland. Jeez, Peter, at least Muslim bombers blow themselves up. The Irish set the charge and ran like hell. It may be instructive to remember that retailers in Rep. King's district on Long Island sell a lot more Guinness than hummus.


In a perfect world, Rep. King's hearing will receive no headlines and will quickly be exposed for the grandstand farce that it is. The more likely outcome is that Muslims in America will feel additional alienation in their adopted country and become even more susceptible to the lure of extremist clerics. Young people will be persuaded that government is their enemy and that American wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are, in fact, a return to the Crusades.


When will bigoted headline-grabbers like Peter King understand that people cooperate with law enforcement when they don't feel threatened? Alienation , mistrust and persecution are exactly what breeds junior terrorists. People with jobs, secure lives and families don't normally strap dynamite to their Sans-a-belt slacks. Whether Muslims will take the next step; informing authorities about someone they suspect, depends on how that cooperation will affect them. A potential trip to Washington to appear before Peter King's inquisition is enough to make a Muslim very forgetful.

...or do legislators need a translator so they can hear the things they say?

In my home there are only two kinds of altercations: situations where I am completely in the wrong (and I apologize) and situations where my outsized overreaction to my wife's misconduct puts me completely in the wrong (and I apologize). The shooting of Rep Gabrielle Giffords in Tuscon on Saturday has brought a similar response from the political right. The liberals are blaming the neocons for the political climate that produced Jared Lee Loughner and the neocons are crying foul.



Naturally, every accusation carried a disclaimer: "While there is absolutely no proof that the ads of Sarah Palin or the rantings of Glenn Beck contributed to the mental state of the shooter...shame shame everybody knows your name." Opinions like SUV's appear in no short supply. Some blame guns (290,000,000 in America and counting). Others think the Community College that expelled Mr. Loughner is at fault (something of a stretch but after Virginia Tech?). Sadly, at the end of the day, there was probably nothing that could have prevented this tragedy...or the next, or the next.


Among the more interesting responses, we have the suggestion of Republican Congressman Peter King of New York's third. Congressman King's primary contribution to the national discourse recently has centered around the "Ground Zero Mosque"; (he's again' it) and illegal immigration, (also opposed). Congressman King's Nassau County district, being 90% white suburbanites from New York City ensures that his stand on these issues will aggravate few of his constituents (except those who might be deprived of the occasional maid or gardener).


Mr. King has proposed that, in light of the shooting in Arizona, citizens be prohibited from carrying a gun within 1,000 feet of "high profile government officials". Presumably Congressman King believes that 1,000 feet gives him hope that a gunman might hit someone else. So let's be clear, Gabrielle Giffords is fighting for her life in a Pima County hospital and Rep. King's first response is "how can I save myself"? To hell with the people who have been gunned down by crazies at Columbine or Fort Hood, now that they're shooting at me and mine something must be done.


There might be some small justification for this if Congressman King had ever voiced a word of protest at the disgraceful lack of gun restriction in America. Or if Mr. King had stood in the well of the House and decried the lax laws that allowed Virginia Tech madman Seung-Hui Cho to amass enough firepower to kill 32 people. Rep. King was noticeably silent when Texas passed a law allowing concealed weapons in bars or when gun-nuts brought AR-15 rifles to an Obama political rally in 2009. Unfortunately, Congressman King was only moved to action by the thought that the guns that pollute this country might someday be aimed at him. What a man!


No one should be surprised at this sort of selective restriction. Antonin Scalia and his pro gun Supreme Court are all for the right to keep and bear arms...just not in or near the Supreme Court. How is it that public officials are gun-ho (sorry) about guns in churches or schools (Heath Shuler, Congressman from Tombstone, North Carolina thinks legislators should "go strapped") but ever so skittish when those guns appear around their place of employment. So I guess it's OK to bring my Glock 19 to the local Burger King as long as Peter King isn't in there ordering a Big Mac. And I can haul my Sig Sauer to catch the next showing of Black Swan at the Bijou as long as Justice Scalia isn't munching popcorn in the fifth row. Seriously, I can understand Congressman King trying to use his legislative power to protect his own ass but what about the six citizens who died in Tuscon? How many feet of protection should they have had?

...or should we never be surprised when someone picks up a gun?

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot and severely wounded in front of a Safeway store in Tucson, AZ on the morning of Saturday, January 8. Raise your hand if you're surprised. Raise your hand if you are amazed that, in a country with as many guns as people, incidents like this aren't more common. Raise your hand if you believe that the constant vile rhetoric of the conservative wing of the American political scene isn't responsible for more Gabrielle Giffords. Raise your hand if you think any of this will change.

Today's Wall Street Journal was aglow with "don't look at us" disclaimers on its editorial page.
On all available evidence, Jared Lee Loughner is a mentally disturbed man who targeted Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and anyone near her in Tucson on Saturday because she was prominent and they were tragically accessible.
There, now don't you feel better? After roughly 48 hours and almost no detailed statement from law enforcement, Paul Gigot of The Wall Street Journal has boldly taken it on himself to assure America that this was the random act of a psycho. A man totally unaffected by the violent discourse that screams from every information orifice on cable television and talk radio. However, Mr. Gigot does have some harsh words for the media. That would be the media that attempts to paint tenuous dotted lines between the shooting in Tucson and Rush Limbaugh's big mouth or Sarah Palin's gun-sight map. Shame on you Keith Olbermann!

No doubt The Wall Street Journal trotted out the same nonsense after the shooting death of abortion doctor George Teller in a Wichita Church in 2009 or the killing of security guard Stephen Johns at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum that same year. "Just some wingnut folks. Nothing to see here". Except there is something to see. We need to look at how easy it is for unstable people to be influenced by ratings-crazy maniacs and how easy it is to purchase the means to act out. You can say that "both sides are to blame". After all, didn't the President make an unfortunate gun reference in a campaign speech? CRAP!

One side is to blame: neocons. Democrats aren't talking about "reloading". Liberals aren't drawing bulls eyes on maps...Sarah Palin did. BTW The response from Fortress Palin came from aide, Rebecca Mansour who is shocked that anyone would think that those targets on their 2010 campaign maps were intended to be gun sights. She suggested that they were just points on a map...like "a surveyor's symbol". And you wonder why nothing will change. Left-wingers aren't carrying flintlocks to political rallies. Democrats aren't suggesting "Second Amendment remedies"...Sharron Angle did. All the gun talk and all the "us vs them" noise is coming from the right. A nobody from Florida named Joyce Kaufman appeared at a teabagger rally in 2010 and proudly proclaimed "If ballots don't work, bullets will." Anything vague or fuzzy about that?

No one is suggesting that Michael Savage or Glenn Beck be silenced. After all, no one is forced to listen and it seems that as long as Fox News has an audience, Roger Ailes will continue to sow the seeds of violence and discontent. What we might expect however, is just a hint of the realization that actions have consequences. Fox and Limbaugh appeal to conservatives; the same conservatives who own all the guns. When you continually hammer your audience with opinions disguised as news, don't be shocked if they believe it. When you tell people like Jared Lee Loughner that his government is evil and is determined to take his liberty and his guns, do not express dismay when you elicit a response. Don't keep telling the well-armed and mentally challenged that healthcare legislation is a socialist conspiracy to kill your grandmother and then look shocked when one of them takes a Glock 19 to a Safeway. The President issued a "targeted kill" order on Muslim cleric, Anwar al-Awaki, after he was identified as an influence on Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan. Clearly someone believes that whispering in someone's ear "pick up a gun" might cause them to pick up a gun.

As we watch the news reports of Congresswoman Giffords' recovery (God willing) and the expected prosecution of Jared Lee Loughner, it might be instructive to reflect on who we are and what we are becoming. Check the newspapers for a week or two and see what countries produce headlines about slain public officials: Mexico, Pakistan, sub-Sahara Africa. Not much from Canada, Denmark or Japan. Why do you think that is? Our culture is everywhere so we can't blame Hollywood. Americans are admired and envied throughout the world yet when it comes to shooting each other, most societies take a pass. I don't have an answer except that maybe Smith and Wesson and Rush Limbaugh don't translate easily into Japanese.

...or is Christmas just a silly season with snow and candycanes?

AMERICA EXPORTS MISERY

Poverty, plague and pestilence weren't enough of a burden for the people of Haiti. We had to send them Palin. Sister Sarah flew to Port-au-Prince last week as the guest of a Christian charity (no doubt distributing crosses and bibles to people who then tried to eat them). This was more black people than Sarah had seen in person since she attended the Broadway premiere of Sister Act. The 1/2 term governor of Alaska marveled at a country whose climate encouraged its citizens to live out of doors in such numbers. "I don't know why the lame stream media is always carping about everyone being so fat. Whatever the Haitians are eating sure keeps 'em fit. I didn't see one fat person in the whole country." Sarah stopped to chat with a woman cooking meat in the street and complimented her on the city's ability to keep the rat population at bay.


This is Ms. Palin's first trip outside the US, not counting all those RV rides from Wacilla to Iowa. No journalists were allowed on the journey into Haiti. (Well, Fox News went but when was the last time someone called them journalists?) The intellectually incurious Sarah feels no need to see the capitals of Europe or converse with leaders from Asia, Latin America or Africa. And why should she? No good photo ops there and besides, how many of those people either buy crappy American books or vote in New Hampshire? Not many, I'm thinkin'.





...AND LIKE A GOOD HEMORRHOID, SOUTH CAROLINA IS THERE

Well, if you weren't in Charleston, SC on Monday night, you missed it. The Sons and Daughters of Confederate Veterans staged their Secession Ball. Men in old-fashioned formal dress and women in flowing gowns flounced around in the kind of arrogant ignorance that only the South can celebrate. Sadly, some of the authenticity was missing in that none of the spoil-sport black protesters outside were willing to dress up in livery and serve the guests. Honestly, some people have no sense of history.


But if your invite to Charleston was lost in the mail, fear not. September 1, 2011 will mark the seventy-second anniversary of the German invasion of Poland and the Germans are planning a party to end all parties. The Third Reich Regalia will begin at dawn on September first and those goose-stepping fools won't stop rocking 'til October 6th... when Poland was crushed. Even the Russians are invited.


The German organizers have assured other EU members that they are not celebrating world domination. "We wish only to commemorate the brave soldiers who gave their lives to advance a wholly German point of view. It's just history."


None of this is lost on the Japanese who are in the early planning stages of a
December 7th, 1941 Luau. Plans include a dinner of Miso soup plus a special fly-over. Banzai!

...or should Fox News be blocked for young, impressionable viewers?

If one worthless man is a disgrace, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress; how many worthless people make a network?

Anyone with an IQ in double digits knows that Fox News has been agenda driven since the network sprang fully formed from the collective minds of Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes in 1996. (In medicine we call this a slow-growth cancer.) Many Americans welcome news that tilts to the right because they have been told that it counterbalances the "main stream/left wing" media, i.e. NBC, CBS, ABC and all major metro newspapers. The way that works is: if you can't impeach the facts, impeach the source. The truth of a story is irrelevant. If it appeared in the New York Times, it's liberally biased. ( Presumably this includes baseball scores and movie listings.)

The godfather of this approach to news is, of course, Rush Limbaugh. Rush has been preaching to his audience of traveling salesmen and retired Korean War vets for years that all news is biased against conservatives because all newspeople are liberals. Say that often enough and the sheep begin to believe. While this approach has never been exactly subtle (conservatives don't do subtle) it has, at least been brushed with a veneer of fairness. Lately however we have gotten a look behind the curtain.

We have learned this week that the Fox News folks have been busy cooking the books on the subject of climate change. Bill Sammon, Washington managing editor for Fox, has ordered his on- air reporters to include a disclaimer with any news item that asserts that the earth is heating up. Fox "journalists" are to IMMEDIATELY advise viewers that some experts disagree with the most recent scientific findings, whatever those findings might be. These instructions weren't sent to Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity who need no instructions on how to shade the truth. This e-mail was sent to the news anchors and their writers. Mr. Sammon wants to make sure that the position of Fox News is abundantly clear. We don't believe the evidence that the climate is being affected by man and we don't want you to believe it either. Had Fox News been around in the seventeenth century, the story would sound like this: "Findings were released today by one Isaac Newton to the effect that objects in a vacuum fall to earth at a uniform rate. There are, however, several scientists who dispute this speculative and unproved theory."

It appears unlikely that this is Mr. Sammon first foray into massaging the news. The fact that he was outed on the issue of climate change merely proves what the rest of the non-Fox regulars already believe: namely, that you can't trust a damn thing these people tell you. Shocking!

Recently, during Fox's never-ending attempt to sell the "war on Christmas" (Please, America, look around! Does it appear as if Christmas is suffering?) Fox and Friends hostess Gretchen Carlson railed about a school in Florida that won't permit decorations in red and green during the Christmas season. Ms. Carlson was naturally appalled at this disgraceful attack on Kris Kringle or Jesus Christ or whomever. The source for this "news item" was some anonymous woman in a video clip. No one at Fox bothered to check with the school (who of course, published no such rule) or even tried to find out the identity of the source. Fox can do this with impunity. Their audience is already preconditioned to believe this nonsense. If anyone checks the story later on CNN, who cares? CNN is biased, Fox has moved on and besides, the story may have been crap but Foxies know the underlying truth about the war on Christmas.

For years Fox has hidden behind the distinction between news and opinion. Chris Wallace...news. Bill O'Reilly...opinion. Glenn Beck...fantasy. It is absurd on its face to think that Fox watchers are drawing subtle distinctions between editorials and news. When three or four people sit on a set and banter about the events of the day, you might question their opinion but you don't question the underlying facts. Start with a "story" that the LAPD purchased millions of dollars worth of jet packs for their first responders. Debate rages about the waste of money in tough economic times and the stupid idea of cops jetting to crime scenes. Another dumb, clueless Democratic administration. Except that the entire story is rubbish. There are no jet packs; there was no purchase. These people might as well debate whether Superman could defeat Jesus in a thumb wrestle.

Was it a surprise to anyone this week when the University of Maryland published a study that Fox News watchers were "significantly more likely to be misinformed"? According to the study, Fox watchers were more likely to believe that: Barack Obama is not a native-born American; most Republicans opposed TARP; stimulus legislation included no tax cuts. True to the code, Fox executives did what they always do...attack the source. Fox responded to the study by asserting that the University of Maryland was a party school where no one studies. Naturally no source was given for these slanders. Hell, the study could have been done by Nickelodeon and it would still be true.

And so, we are governed by a Congress elected by people who believe anything Fox tells them. "Climate change is a liberal conspiracy. Christians are being denied their right to worship. Muslims are substituting Sharia law for the Constitution. Obama is a socialist." People, this is America. You are not a victim because Glenn Beck tells you you are. Our economic hard times are not the result of "the other guys". We are responsible for our own actions and their consequences. The sooner we stop letting Fox News tell us how wounded we are the faster we will heal.

...or is the Obama presidency shovel ready?

Probably not. As they say down at the pool hall, there's a lot of green between here and there. The election of 2012 is miles away and much can happen. Barack Obama looks beleaguered today but it's still early. New issues will take center stage and the President will have plenty of opportunities to recover. His biggest problem going forward however isn't START or DADT or Guantanamo or even jobs. His biggest problem is his own personality.

Barack Obama is too damn rational for his own good. When confronted with a problem, say like Julian Assange and Wikileaks, 1) he gets opinions, 2) listens to aides, 3) forms an rational course of action and 4) chooses to act based on the best opinions available. This may be a wonderful way to run the Philosophy Dept at Princeton or the Fairfax County Library but it's a terrible way to run America. We just had the crap scared out of us in 2008 facing a depression. Unemployment is stalled at 9.5%. North Korea is angling for the Hemorrhoid of the Year award. Afghanistan is a quagmire. We don't want rational. We want a President who looks and sounds as pissed-off and frustrated as America feels.

I can give Barack Obama an instant 10 point boast in the polls. At today's photo op wherever it is, he needs to lean over to someone and in his best Joe Biden whisper, allow "if I could I'd grab Julian Assange around his scrawny Australian neck and shove a Louisville Slugger up his ass...without a condom."



What would you give to see Barack Obama stride to the podium and exclaim "Who the hell does John McCain think he is to deny the right of gay Americans to serve openly in the military? He is an out-of-touch relic who hasn't worn a uniform since soldiers wore spats. Getting captured and imprisoned gives McCain as much credibility to pontificate on gay rights as Jessica Lynch. As of today Don't Ask Don't tell is finished, over. Thank You".

Back in the 80's Ronald Reagan made a ill-advised joke about bombing Russia. Dumb as that was diplomatically at least it gave the country a window into the soul of it's leader. We saw a President who fantasizes about wiping out our biggest enemy. We were pretty sure he wouldn't do it (with Reagan, pretty sure was all you got) but he thought about it. He was human. When Libyans were suspected of dynamiting an off-duty nightclub in Germany killing several GI's, Reagan sent a sortie of fighter bombers to Libya with a payload sufficient to get the attention of Muammar al-Gaddafi. One suspects Reagan didn't ask for advice. He banged the desk and screamed "I want that camel-fucker dead by tonight". I'm guessing no one argued.

Richard Nixon, frustrated with the lack of progress in Vietnam, started throwing bombs all over Southeast Asia. The idea was to convince the North Vietnamese that he was erratic enough to do almost anything to beat them into submission. Had America not been so thoroughly sick of the war in Vietnam by that time, Nixon might have been more successful.

This is what America wants. We elected a smart guy but not R2D2. Hell, he took fifteen stitches in a pick-up basketball game and came up smiling not swinging. So far the closest thing we have seen to passion is a speech on Monday where the venom was leveled at his own party. Hello, Barack, the Dems are not the enemy; mostly. The problem isn't that our President is deliberate. The problem is that our enemies and most of Congress can count on his lack of temper. We fear Kim Jong Il because he's unpredictable. OK, no one wants that level of crazy but Churchill, de Gaulle andAtilla the Hun were all a bit tough to anticipate.
Barack Obama needs to be a little more cranky.

...or should someone have dumped a big bucket of Gatorade on John Boehner after the midterms?

Some things are funny once. Some actions grow from a one-time thing into a tradition. (Example: Throwing the opposing team's home run balls back onto the field at Wrigley.) However, the Gatorade shower inflicted on coaches after big victories is an idea further past its prime than John McCain. Wiki is vague on who started this tradition but it's been going on for 25 years. Once upon a time swimming teams used to throw their winning coaches in the pool. That may be why credit cards and drivers licenses are plastic. Whatever spontaneous giggles are derived from dumping sticky goo on your coach have been replaced by cringes. Most big games are won in winter. It's cold. Many coaches are old. It would be a tragedy to see Joe Paterno's career ended by pneumonia due to a lemonade bath in January. I'm sure coaches hate it. Besides, can you imagine anyone dumping a bucket of anything on George Halas or Vince Lombardi? You'd be packing your bags before the ice melted on the AstroTurf.

And on the subject of old, outmoded artifacts that should have been retired years ago, who thought it would be a good idea to put Cher in a new movie? Mrs. Bono is appearing with Christine Aguilera in a "small town girl learns the ropes from old doll" picture called Burlesque. (I tell ya this chestnut is so old, Sony Pictures had to pay royalties to a French cave-wall painter! rim shot!) We don't wish to go all Perez Hilton but the only thing stretched farther than Cher's face is her modest talent. She has had every plastic surgeon in Hollywood learning the words to "If I Could Turn Back Time". Having big pipes is not the same as being able to sing...just like a penchant for public nudity isn't the same as acting. Anyway, maybe the casting isn't all that bad. After all, didn't Cher once date Flo Ziegfeld?

And then there's John McCain, hard at work lying, obfuscating and pursuing his disgraceful retreat from his previous position on Don't Ask Don't Tell. What will you bet that one of the Wikileaks documents outs McCain as a dress-wearing, self-hating drag queen?


And then there's the NRA, suing Texas (Texas, for Christ's sake) over the right of 18 year olds to carry concealed weapons. Currently in Texas you must be 21. I suppose there is some logic here. At least teenaged Texans will have three years to get used to carrying guns before they're old enough to carry one into a bar. Honestly, the level of irresponsibly fostered by organizations with more money than brains is disheartening.


And then there's the newest low in reality television..."Brideplasty". Yes folks; just when you thought women couldn't debase themselves any further we have a competition among engaged women to win liposuction, breast augmentations and eye tucks. Aside: Why has the Italian Anti-defamation League yelled themselves hoarse about The Godfather and remained silent about Jersey Shore? Talk about defamation! It's like an Italian minstrel show. Back to reality.

So what's next, "Cramp Champ"? A competition to see who has the worst periods? How about "The Big O"? or "Who Wants to Give A Hummer?"(Hint..no automobiles are involved.)

...or does TSA actually stand for Touching Someone's Ass?

"Can't see London,

Can't see France,

until we see your underpants."

Shamelessly stolen from a great list submitted by JKS.



Can someone please tell me who is in an uproar about airport screening? No one I know. All the people I see interviewed are mostly interested in getting from airport A to airport B without the risk of ending up with their name on a memorial. 81% of Americans are on board. Airport safety may be an illusion but it's an important illusion.


The government is trying to protect millions of travelers moving through thousands of airports with minimum inconvenience, minimum hassles and minimum embarrassment. They are required to bat 1,000 every day. That's an impossible task made more difficult by the morons among us who think their personal modesty should take precedence over everyone's safety. Please, take the bus.



This is a controversy, like so many other controversies lately, playing out almost exclusively in the media. News people, editorialists, and various windbags on Fox News are telling us we are outraged. One guy with a videophone carping about his junk has been inflated into a discussion of constitutional rights. Folks, repeat after me, "You have no constitutional right to fly on an airplane." If you wish to fly you must abide by the rules that govern air travel in 2010. If your grandma gets scanned, we're sorry. When Neil Covuto on Fox stops whining about "feeling up grandma" and writes a cogent, easily understood policy for thousands of TSA employees that contains guidelines for determining who should and who shouldn't be screened, we'll listen. 'Til then, shut up.


The other canard regarding air safety is pointing to the Israelis. Their screening uses few machines and relies on interviewing and physiological profiling. That's nifty when you are policing about 12 airports and 1/12th the passengers. Anyone who thinks it's possible to train thousands of screeners in hundreds of locations is dumber than Neil Cavuto.


So relax America. Sit back and enjoy the flight. Remember, in most cases it's a lot easier to recover your lost dignity than your lost luggage.

...or is banning what's bad for us always good for us?

Has anyone out there ever consumed a Four Loko? I thought not. However, if you like a jolt of caffeine (about a Grande's worth) with your booze (about four beers worth) you might want to stock up on Lokos real soon. Several states have banned the concoction and the FDA is considering pulling all such alcohol+caffeine products off store shelves. Chuck Shumer, ever-vigilant Senator from New York, is leading the fight to cleanse America of this evil brew. Apparently Chuck is unfamiliar with Irish Coffee. Nevertheless, Senator Shumer didn't get where he is by being slow to recognize a political winner. Protecting America's youth from the polar effects of Four Loko appears a noble fight. Besides 1) it's not made in New York and, 2) it's not made by a big company like Anheuser Busch or Miller with deep pockets.

So, like the debate on transfats and the argument over salt content, we are again faced with the conflict between the nanny state and government rightfully protecting its citizens from harmful products. We here at isitjustme, never reluctant to offer an unsolicited opinion, have weighed the facts and concluded that government should back off on Four Loko. Free societies should be free to act the fool even if there is risk. We allow smoking which kills thousands. We allow the production, distribution and sale of intoxicants which also kills indiscriminately. We allow millions of hand guns to be bought and sold. We prohibit marijuana which kills almost no one...except the hundreds of Mexicans who die in drug wars. To ban the sale of a substance which can easily be created by combining two legal products seems silly and unnecessary.

There is a lot of bad stuff out there. The parents and teachers of teenagers and college students spend a tremendous amount of time educating kids about what to avoid. Distinctions about specific products are meaningless. We don't tell seventeen year olds that beer is OK but scotch is evil. That filtered cigarette won't hurt as much as Luckies. Education is about choices and behavior. Government should not attempt to limit bad choices or reduce their numbers. If we learned nothing else from Prohibition we learned that in the face of public desire, limited access is no barrier. Government should return to its core competency namely, banning cell phone use while waiting in line at Starbucks. It's sooooo annoying!

...or would Guttenberg have sold more Bibles if he put Moses' picture on the jacket?

Things I learned while you were watching Dancing With the Stars:

Seriously, I refuse to watch reality TV on religious grounds but I understand that, while a team of professional judges has repeatedly suggested Bristol Palin get a performing arts scholarship from The Ministry of Silly Walks, America keeps voting her back on the show. Isitjustme update....apparently Ms. Palin was unable to jump the last hurdle to victory. Must have been all the donuts. According to the rules of the show, if enough of the citizens of fly-over country call in and vote for you, the judges opinion is overturned. Sort of like when voters pick someone who looks nice and talks funny rather than someone with actual ability.


We can only presume that Bristol and her multiple left feet are benefiting from couch-potato America's desire to vote for any Palin for...anything. If Major League Baseball isn't careful, Todd Palin might be voted starting shortstop for the 2011 All-Star Game. Bristol should be grateful that there isn't an intelligence test. "Who was Fred Astaire?" or "What dance movies have you seen?" might kill her chances.





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And, proving once again that those monkeys and their typewriters may yet tap out Romeo and Juliet, Sarah Palin has another book with her name and face on the dust jacket. (To suggest she wrote the book would be like suggesting that the Chairman of Verizon wrote the Yellow Pages.) The space between the covers, like the space between Sarah's ears, is chock full of disjointed thoughts, useless homilies and non-sequiturs which mostly end in reflections on why Sarah and her wonderful family are so mercilessly persecuted by the media...except, of course, Fox. A thorough reading of "America By Heart Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag" (she forgot Mothers, Trains, Farms, and Dogs.) will tell the reader everything they need to know about the woman who wants to be President. Ms. Palin's book is a wonderful trip to the county fair: a few thrills and lots of stuff that might make America great but, all that cotton candy eventually makes you sick.

One feature of the book is a list of things that Sarah finds irritating; among them: talentless wannabes who appear on TV on shows like American Idol. WOW! Sarah Palin is irked by blatantly unqualified posers who present themselves as talented candidates for public approval. I guess FEDEX was late to Alaska with that last shipment of irony.

Still, the soon-to-be imagined Sarah Palin Library will have at least two books to go along with all those Facebook postings and Tweets. The Library, planned for the campus of The University of Phoenix on-line, should open in 2025. By then Sarah's son Track will have been hired as The Apprentice by Donald Trump on live TV.

...or are we the country that put the "ass" in aspirational?

Stuff I discovered while searching for movie timetables:

John Tyner, a 31 year old software engineer made the big time on Youtube last week. John was passing through the airport in San Diego on his way to a vacation in South Dakota (clearly North Dakota was full-up) when he took it into his head to object to security screening. The fact that he recorded the entire episode on his phone indicates a willful intent to be a pain in the ass. Having rejected a full body scan (perhaps he's anatomically incorrect) he also objected to a pat down. His choice of catchphrase was "if you touch my junk I'll have you arrested". Not exactly "Give me liberty or give me death" but you go with what's handy.

Let's forget for the moment that this Dilbert-like dweeb couldn't get someone to fondle his berries if he had a hundred dollar bill behind his ear in Bangkok on a Saturday night. What was this guy thinking? "If I act like a jerk maybe they'll let me go through unmolested?" Was this a stand for human dignity? A stunt to achieve internet stardom? What Mr. Tyner achieved, aside from cult status as a punchline, was ejection from the San Diego airport and an investigation by the TSA that could cost him $11,000 in fines. Hey, I don't want to go to South Dakota either but I'm not prepared to fight Uncle Sam. Anyway, I hope Mr. Tyner is enjoying his fifteen minutes. Having gone home with his testicles unfondled, this is clearly not the textbook definition of a happy ending.

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Lisa Murkowski, current and future Senator from Alaska, stated this week that, in her view, Sarah Palin lacked the intellectual curiosity to be president. A quick Google search revealed that this was the first time in three years Ms. Palin's name and the word intellectual appeared in the same sentence.

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George W. Bush wrote a book about his eight years as President. (Insert you own joke here)

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The Wakefield Track and Field Team of Wakefield Mass had to recall their team shirts after the somewhat clueless coaches and parents discovered the colloquial meaning of WTF. An expression of sympathy was immediately dispatched from the Sam Houston Institute of Technology.

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Charlie Sheen appeared unfazed after he was discovered in a New York hotel room drunk and naked with a porn actress hiding in the bathroom. (And haven't we all been there?)"If a guy has one bad night, everybody goes insane and panics" said Sheen. If OJ had thought of that defense he'd be a free man today.

Ratings for Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" are still in the top ten. I love America. If Lindsay Lohan gets a speeding ticket, everybody and their mother (but not her mother) wants to have an intervention. Charlie S. gets to treat a hotel room like a battalion of English soccer fans and...nothing. Maybe it's a double standard or maybe Ms. Lohan needs to play a TV character who drinks like Richard Burton, drives like Nick Nolte, has a patter like Mel Gibson, abuses drugs like Keith Richards and has the morals of, say, Charlie Sheen. They could call it "CSI, Betty Ford".

......or might Texas be the first state asked to leave the Union?

I'm sure if we asked them nicely, they'd go. After all, Texans don't appear very happy with their current national affiliation. Statehood seems not to their liking. Too many regulations. Too many taxes. Too few guns. If state's rights is such an important issue to Texas, maybe we could arrange for the ultimate state right: you can be your own country.


This particular rant comes in response to the recent book written by Texas' own Governor Rick Perry. It appears Gov. Perry has his Texas-sized knickers in a bunch over the endless stream of regulations, orders and no-so-subtle requests emanating from Washington, District of Columbia.

The Governor believes that each state ought to have maximum sovereignty over how its citizens comport themselves. If Texans want to stop on green and go on red, who's to tell them otherwise? OK Texas, you're on your own.

This isn't as crazy as it sounds. If Texas is a sovereign state, illegals would have to cross an additional 790 miles to reach the United States. Oklahoma would be a border state and therefore have something else to worry about aside from Sharia law. Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, would be just another annoying foreigner. College students who have trouble paying for studies abroad could study at UT, Austin. The Mexican drug cartels could cross the border into the Democratic Republic of Texas without worrying about the displeasure of the U.S. Army. Texas could execute as many prisoners as they wish without spoil-sport documents like the Constitution ruining the fun. Hell, they wouldn't even need trials...stupid waste of money anyway.

Rick Perry, Texas' current governor, could declare himself king or czar or sheriff. He could pass laws ensuring that every citizen went armed all the time. He could abolish helmet laws, drinking age limits, seatbelts, traffic lights, speed limits and protect every citizen's right to salt the bejeeses out of his food. No more Washington to tell honest, God-fearing Texans how to live. FDA? Who needs it? Dept. of Education? Not on your life. We here in Texas believe in creationism. Climate change? Not in the Lone Star State. Down here we have two seasons: hot and hotter.



Of course without the annual handout from Uncle Sam (Texas sends the federal government about .83 cents for every dollar going the other way) Texas would need to create a state income tax. Whatever minimal infrastructure needs might arise, such as repairing the Texas portion of I-10 or I-20 or I-30 would require Texans to pony up. Texas would need its own army and navy to keep those nasty Latinos on their side of the border and of course, responsibility for border security would fall to them. No more federal subsidies for cattle ranchers or farmers and no more Pell Grants or subsidies for the university system.


The rest of America would lose something also. The colleges of the U.S. would need to rely almost exclusively on Pennsylvania, Ohio and California for high school football players. Cowboy boots might no longer be a fashion statement. Textbooks for America's schools would be crafted by moderate educators whose agenda isn't Christian, right-wing ideology. In other words: smart people. Also America will lose that irritating whine that emerges from the South every time an attempt is made to improve the quality of life in the country. Now if only we could jettison South Carolina.


Be careful what you wish for, Governor Perry. Secession might play well with the Smith & Wesson set but in the end you'll discover that having a federal government to blame for everything is a whole lot better than having everyone pointing at you. A little less salt is a small price to pay for all that federal sugar.

...or is the only difference between the Fox News Christmas party and the GOP Convention, Beck dressed as Santa?

Dateline:


Wednesday, November 3, 2010. 729 days until the 2012 election.


If you look hard enough, there's a lot to love about Tuesday's election. Lemonade still comes from lemons and elephant droppings can still make the flowers grow. You don't need Annie to tell you the sun will come out tomorrow. Some folks are happy already. John Boehner's coloring is just a little brighter this morning. The people of Arkansas, West Virginia, and Wisconsin are enjoying their 15 minutes of glory. On Thursday it's back to fly-over status for you. They know that the only time anyone will give a rat's ass about their state is if one of their college teams cracks the top ten or someone shoots up a 7-11.

Besides, we've heard this tune before. The cardinal archbishops of ex-presidents, i.e. Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, both suffered big losses in their first midterms. It only makes sense. You run on a platform of making things better. When things don't get noticeably better (in the first twenty minutes after the inauguration) the country rebels and wants to punish your party. Incumbents suffer because decisions they made are easily attacked...usually by people who have never been called on to make the same decisions. Voila! Behold the tsunami.

However, the really good news is that after two years of Fox News telling the country how angry it is and how any bag of doorknobs would be better than the Democrats, many Americans were able to resist. After all, nothing could be so bad that Christine O'Donnell looks good. Exactly how far do you have to fall before this woman looks like your salvation? Apparently 40% of Delaware feels they've fallen that far. Good news: 40% is not 51%. Bad news: 40% is awfully close to the ledge. If this were a message it was a dangerous one. If you view a vote for Christine as a "no" vote, the medicine goes down a bit easier.

There was good news in Nevada also, where the people weren't quite ready to gamble on a woman who treats reporters like head lice. In a race where Harry Reid's Senate seat was as vulnerable as an unattended stack of chips at the Mirage, the GOP went all in on Sharron Angle ..and crapped out. It appears that the people of Nevada would rather hang with a 23 year Senate veteran as opposed to a woman who sees poultry as legal tender. Imagine, a state with a 14% unemployment rate coming to the conclusion that a little healthcare might be a good idea. Startling!

True, the Senate will still be blessed with Rand Paul but compared to the Real Housewives of Whackadoo County he looks somewhat rational. Anyway, it's not like Kentucky was a hotbed of progressive activism. Kentucky's idea of liberal is allowing black basketball players into Adolph Rupp Arena. Any Democratic victory there would be a gift.

Someone will have to explain West Virginia to me. Must be the miners unions. By all rights WV should be about as Democratic as South Carolina. The fact that Joe Manchin was able to capture the seat formerly occupied by Robert Byrd is a mystery. There might have been a time when legacy mattered but the good people of Massachusetts drove a spike into that idea in 2009. (See headline "Scott Brown Claims Throne of Ted Kennedy".) Whatever the reason, the great state of West Virginia will continue to have two, count them two, Democratic Senators. (They also have two of the three House Members.)

For those of you with fun in your hearts, the Senate has maintained some of its wacky, laugh-a- minute cast of characters. Bernie Sanders, America's only true Socialist, will be doing another six years as Senator from the Peoples Republic of Vermont. David Vitter is returning as Senator from Louisiana, proving once again the "live little boy/dead woman" axiom made famous by Edwin Edwards. Vitter was outed as a regular customer of a D.C. madam way back in 2007. But hey, what's a little prostitution among friends? It's not like he didn't pay for the services.Following in the grand tradition of William Jefferson (he of the cold cash) and David Duke (Klan candidate in 1988 and '92) Vitter proves once again that, in Louisiana, a little mud on your skirts is no impediment to high office. Elliott Spitzer only wishes he'd run for Governor in a state with such a "liberal" attitude.

And so we move forward. Having made a hash out of being the winners, Democrats will now take a crack trying to influence policy rather than craft it. Republicans on the other hand, are in the "be careful what you wish for" position. If the economy improves (Fox will certainly tell America the improvement has started) the GOP will benefit. If not we'll be back here in two years with the added joy of a Presidential race. So stay tuned boys and girls. The first episode of "Survivor, 2012" should start any day. We know you can see Russia from Alaska but can you see Alaska from Iowa?

...or is it possible to have a revolution without being revolting?

At least 200,000 people showed up on the Washington Mall last Saturday. Ostensibly, the reason was to heed the clarion call of Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert, they of Comedy Central. The faithful mostly arrived on public transportation, comported themselves with dignity, watched the show and went home. There was no drinking (that I saw) and only an occasional doob wafting in the fall air. You know it's 2010 when the smell of marijuana causes the assembled multitude to nod in recognition. However, the smell of a tobacco cigarette caused irritation and annoyance. Not many Mad Men fans in the group.

Back to the reason that all those people decided to spend a beautiful Fall Saturday with 200,000 of their fellow humans. I haven't the foggiest. There might be a few Woodstockian parallels. The crowd was mostly young...by my standards anyway. There was a sense of a "happening". The idea that Jon Stewart had created an anti-Glenn Beck event caused younger DC types to want to show up and be counted. It would be nice if they remember that sentiment on Election Day but, if most are students, it's too late to vote back home. They weren't there for the food...Woodstock had better caterers. They weren't there for the music. That was fun but ancillary to the event. It was nice to see Yusuf Islam aka Cat Stevens (Honestly why not just use the name everyone knows?) in his most recent political/religious iteration. The point wasn't the show or the speeches. The comedy was OK but a distraction. The reason was to see how many people Stewart could get to show up. Think: How many people can you stuff into a phone booth times 200,000. Once everybody showed up, well, that was pretty much it. Actually, the visit from Father Guido Sarducci was enough for me.

There were signs everywhere. Some of my favorites are posted above. There was some soft-core politics, some representing a cause but most were just silly funny. The posters were perfect to the occasion: unfocused, random, even confusing. One poster said "God is a Sock". ? It was the national convention of non sequiturs. The universal factor was that everyone was having a good time. Smiles and good cheer were everywhere. There may be troubles aplenty in the Land but you would never know it in this crowd.

And that may have been the point. Stewart's message in his speech was that 24 hour media (read Fox News) fuels the notion that America is at war with itself, at war with President Obama and at war with Congress. Congressional Republicans want to be at war with Congressional Democrats. Democrats believe that Republicans are old, white and in the way. The rally symbolized the fact that a large percentage of the population isn't at war with anybody. If this had been 1968 the rally would have been called a "be in".

So America, see if you can stop being led around by Fox News and MSNBC. Try not letting air-headed chat specialists tell you what to be angry about. See if reading a paper (assuming you can get past the idea that all media is biased...mostly liberal bias) helps you form your own ideas and opinions. Regardless of your IQ, you can't really believe that Glenn Beck knows anything. You really don't think Keith Olbermann has all the answers. Try acting like the money your parents spent on your education didn't all go to waste.

So Stand Up! Go over to the window! Open it up and in a normal speaking voice say " I'm not actually mad at anyone and Rupert Murdoch should not tell me I am". Then close the window and go read a book...and not one of Becks.

...or should "Stop! In the Name of Love" become the new anthem of the Supreme Court?

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...or does America live in a perpetual state of outrage?

I love outrage. Being hot under the collar is what fuels most of the rubbish that appears in these blogs. Give me a good scandal involving Karl Rove, Glenn Beck or pretty much anyone named Cheney and I'm off to the races. I've even been known to malign the occasional Democrat albeit not too often. Nevertheless, despite the pushing and prodding from friends and readers (mostly the same folks) it has been difficult to generate much righteous indignation over the firing last week of Juan Williams by NPR.

For the benefit of anyone who decided to pass on the latest media dust-up, Juan Williams is a news analyst and commentator who was working for NPR and Fox News. His gig at NPR was his real job but as a black man with a sharp tongue and a less-than-liberal persona he was the darling of the Foxies like Chris Wallace, Tucker Carlson and Bill O'Reilly. African Americans who agree with the Fox crowd are as rare as schools actually attended by Christine O'Donnell. Anyway, the NPR crowd apparently hated Williams' cashing checks from Fox. The powers at NPR had repeatedly told Juan to keep his opinions to himself, especially the less liberal ones.


When Williams appeared on Bill O'Reilly's show last week and allowed that Muslims in religious attire make him nervous on airplanes, Vivian Schiller, head of NPR had heard enough. She told Williams to pack up his herringbone jacket with the patches on the elbows and his Meerschaum pipe and get out. She might have accused him of being off the reservation but one must consider the sensitivity of Native Americans.


Predictably, the wing-nut right was in full-throated rage by nightfall. Many were roaring about First Amendment rights of free speech heedless of the fact that the First Amendment only applies to government censorship. No matter. Why let facts urinate on a perfectly good bonfire? Fox was, of course, stunned and chagrined (or maybe chagrined then stunned). After all, hadn't poor Juan only expressed publicly what we all think? Should political correctness trump truth? Don't women in burkas and men in long beards and dresses make you rethink your trip to Duluth?


To the justifiably vexed I submit...Oh grow up! NPR had been hunting Juan Williams head for years. They didn't love his opinions (actually they didn't love that he has opinions) and they hated that he was consorting with Murdoch's Minions of Malice. NPR claims to be completely neutral and bias free. We may suspect that they lean ever so slightly to port but evidence is difficult to locate. (Ever since Alex Keaton's father, we assume NPR is a bunch of hippies masquerading as newspeople.) Because no NPR on-air employees are schlepping to MSNBC at night, few Liberal parallels are likely to surface. NPR has apologized to Williams (actually they apologized to everyone but Williams) but no one believes them and, oh yeah, he's still out.


Fox, never slow to make lemonade, has offered Williams a two million dollar contract to show up at the studio every day and trash NPR. They probably could have gotten him to do that for free. Anyway, Fox's largess prevents us from having to carry "FREE JUAN WILLIAMS" signs in front of NPR's headquarters. We can all be happy that Williams is the first on-air personality signed at Fox in two years that isn't running for President in 2012. Williams should be very happy at Fox. His contract includes 1) freedom to express his opinions, 2) four weeks vacation and, 3) no mandatory flights to anywhere in the Middle East. Also he never has to share an elevator with Dinesh D'Souza.

...or is no one really "great" anymore?

During the rare lull in conversation at Burke's Bar in Yonkers, NY, a good friend of mine, John Patrick Woods, occasionally posits the question as to whether there are any great men or women left in the world. (None of that sports and boobs stuff in my circle.) With no consensus definition of "great"available (The Guinness people are too busy recording the longest kiss or the tallest pile of leaves to help with loftier intellectual pursuits.), we are left with the old description of pornography to whit, I'll know it when I see it. If the majority accepts your greatness without much discussion, you're great.


We can agree on at least one living person: Nelson Mandela. Beyond that, who can say? If you expand the search to the twentieth century living or dead , you might vote for Martin Luther King, Jr., Pope John Paul II, Winston Churchill, Mohandas "Mahatma" Gandhi and maybe Franklin or Eleanor Roosevelt. If you expand the search into the eighteenth century you might include George Washington or Ben Franklin. The problem is if you need to make a case for someone's greatness, acclamation abates. One need not be perfect to be great but when do character flaws (King's romantic issues, Churchill's bigotry, the Pope's protection of pedophile priests) overshadow the achievements? If you have to think about it too much you have already made the point that there aren't many "greats".


This invariably leads my over-educated comrades to a discussion of those throughout history that have had the suffix "the Great" affixed to their name. Mr. Woods has identified some twenty-five such persons whereas Wikipedia lists 112. Most such as, Shapur the Great (Persia), Photius the Great (Constantinople) and Gwanggaeto the Great (Korea) were either local "greats" or pronounced "great" in their own lifetimes usually by their own pronouncement. Several are names you know: Peter the Great, Catherine the Great, Herrod the Great, Pope Leo the Great, Charles the Great (aka Charlemagne), Fredrick the Great, and on and on. Many of us know the names but only historians (and educated patrons of Burke's) know why the moniker.


The title was apparently first used by the Persians. Cyrus II tried it on about 350 BC but Alexander III was the first to have it stick. Since then the name has been attached to butchers, thinkers, statesmen, theologians, popes and one apostle. (Apparently James the Great was so designated to distinguish him from James the Slightly Below Average.) Interestingly, there is only one woman in the group. How or why Catherine II made it to the enduring ranks of the Greats is open to question. She rose to power in a conspiracy against her husband Peter and spent the next 24 years trying to "reform" Russia. No friend of the Conservatives, she vastly increased the size of local governments and attempted to reduce the power of the nobility. Think Nancy Pelosi in a really big bouffant.


Catherine also appears to have the honor of being the last in the line of "Greats"...if you don't count Jackie Gleason, Wayne Gretzky, and Mohammed Ali. After 2,500 years and 112 so-called "greats" we seem to have lost interest. Modern communication technology insures that anyone's greatness last only as long as it takes for the penis pictures to surface. No one looks "great" in those.

...or are we witnessing "Jackass, the Culture"?

At a time when strikes are rampant in Europe, ten percent of Americans are chronically out of work and Nevada is in danger of electing Sharron Angle to the Senate (insert shudder here), the number one movie at the box office last week was..."Jackass 3-D". Don't get me wrong. I like a good groin-kick as much as the next guy...as long at it happens to the next guy. Still, I worry that when choosing a movie, the viewing public rejects "Waiting for Superman" and "Secretariat" in favor of a film devoted to men doing some of the dumbest stunts imaginable. This has to be like watching someone stick a fork in a toaster for 90 minutes. How entertaining can this be?

Apparently pretty entertaining. This is the third iteration of the Jackass franchise and the first one in 3-D. That's quite an oeuvre for a bunch of guys (no women appear dumb enough to do this stuff) whose creative process sounds like "so dude, suppose we have a guy dressed as Santa climb to the top of a giant tree then chop the tree down?" Artistic committee consensus "way cool!"

At first glance these movies are a feature-length ad for the dangers of smoking dope. No sober person would actually try any of these stunts. They're dangerous, pointless and were it not for the performers yucking it up during and after the tricks, might not be that funny. Silly, seemingly life-threatening shtick is only funny in context. When a film character is trapped in a portable john and taken for the ride of his life, that's funny. Mechanically strapping a "actor" into a toilet and slingshotting the thing with bungee cords is contrivance. If you remove the character of Mr. Bean or Inspector Clouseau from the film equation, you are left with a quickly tiresome series of pratfalls.

Anyway, these movies are popular and who am I to dictate to America's youth? After all, we laughed at Pinky Lee and Red Skelton. We thought All in the Family was "edgy" and watching Sanford & Son made you a liberal. Come to think of it, with the world in its current state and the job prospects of today's high school and college graduates maybe all the next generation has to look forward to is a good kick in the balls. They won't even need the glasses.

...or should some devices (bow and arrows, nail guns, cameras) never be pointed at oneself?

On Tuesday of this week (that's today) Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Farve, fresh from a victory over the Cowboys on Sunday, will participate in a little one-on-one with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at the NFL's headquarters in New York. During this meeting Mr. Farve will discuss: 1) his overall health, 2) the health of his family and, 3) allegations that he "sexted" a photo of his man-parts to a female employee of the New York Jets while he was working as Jets quarterback in 2007. He will be required to explain why a 40 year old married man would feel the need to photograph his nether region and send the result via phone line to a woman who had shown a reluctance to date him. This cringe-producing confession will, in all likelihood, never become public but, armed with my well-developed insight into stupid behavior around women, I'm prepared to offer a possible scenario:

Well, Mr. Commissioner, you're probably wondering why a guy like me with a trunk-full of awards and millions of fans and groupies (not to mention a wife) would decide that the best way to win a woman's heart would be an 4"x 2" picture of Mr. Happy? That's a good question. In hindsight maybe a candygram would have been better. I considered flowers and jewelry but those things just didn't convey the message. After all sir, you have to admit that nothing says love like a snapshot of male genitalia. I was told that body-part photography is all the rage with younger folks and the lady in question is a good ten years younger than me. Who could have guessed that a sweet girl like Jenn Sterger, with a web site full of suggestive photos of herself, would wait two years then sell my emails and twig-and-berries picture to Deadspin? I'm kinda shocked and a little embarrassed.

OK, so here's where we have a Mars/Venus parting of the ways. Men can only marvel at the galactic stupidity of anyone in the public spotlight believing that any secret would be kept confidential for longer than it takes the Enquirer's check to clear. It would be bad enough to have your email and voicemail messages broadcast for universal consumption (remember the icky Tiger Woods voicemails). Adding a glossy of your ding-a-ling is inexcusable...not to mention unlikely to produce the desired assignation. Quick rule of thumb: if you don't want a photo of your willie used as the screen-saver for every pervert, fan-boy in America don't take its picture.

Women just shake their heads. They want to run screaming to the press and publish a full page ad in every paper in America saying "on what planet would a photo of a penis cause a girl to swoon and fall into the arms of the owner?" No woman wants to check their text messages and discover a dick-pic, even a famous one. Suppose you were at dinner with your parents or in a meeting with your boss. Context is everything. Men apparently think (if "think" is even the right word) that because they like to look at women's naughty bits, girls do too. WRONG!

In a sport as violent as professional football, it is nothing short of amazing that Brett Farve has started in 253 regular season games over 20 seasons. The guy is indestructible. Considering the constant punishment meted-out to quarterbacks, his endurance and toughness are the stuff of legend. Repeated hits to the helmet however, might explain the bizarre brain synapses that brought Brett to believe that a photo of his trouser worm was the next best thing to a blue box from Tiffany's. There's a good chance Commissioner Goodell might bring the Farve consecutive game streak to an end with a suspension. What 280 lb. linebackers were unable to accomplish over twenty years might be brought about by the small photo of a small organ. Guys! If you must turn your camera-phones on yourselves please follow these simple steps: 1) zip up, 2) smile.

..when you find yourself in a hole shouldn't you stop digging?

Some stuff I get.

I get an unhappy electorate. I understand that America elected Barack Obama in 2008 and he wasn't able to magically fix the economy. He wasn't able to snap his fingers and recreate the millions of jobs that have been leaking into Asia and succumbing to technology for years. He wasn't able to make a wish and eliminate eight years of deficits due to unfunded wars and unfunded tax cuts. The President did manage to pass healthcare which, if you believe the administration, won't cost a dime. He pushed through a financial reform bill which might help prevent the next meltdown which might prevent the next bailout. Do we imagine that Grandpa McCain, with his profound knowledge of all things financial, would have fared better?

What I am at a loss to understand is the flood of strange, delusional, fringe candidates that are being offered by Republicans/teabaggers (not necessarily by the Republican party) to challenge incumbents and reverse two years of rational progress. To wit I offer Carl Paladino of New York, Christine O'Donnell of Delaware and Sharron Angle of Nevada. For the moment we will ignore the likes of Joe Miller in Alaska who believes Social Security is unconstitutional because it isn't in the Constitution or, Meg Whitman in California who needs help understanding what constitutes "illegal alien".

In an effort to appear unbiased (why bother?), news organizations have given these bizarre candidates a pass. The strange, bigoted, uninformed pronouncements of these escapees from the Island of Dr. Moreau appear on page eight or under National News, as if proclaiming not to be a witch was a regular news item. FOX News, having discarded any pretext of fairness or balance, is in the unenviable position of attempting to make these candidates look electable...or at least housebroken. Sadly, all the lip gloss companies in the world don't make enough lipstick to make these pigs look like movie stars.

For example: no one thinks it particularly strange that Carl Paladino attends a meeting of Orthodox Jews in New York and proceeds to read a homophobic speech prepared by the group to whom he's speaking. Why not call Don Pardo? Carl apparently feels that sex between people and animals is worthy of promulgation but love among people is problematic. Carl is behind by almost 20 points in recent polls but the real question is, "How much must you dislike Andrew Cuomo that you would pull a lever for such a reprehensible human being?" Cuomo isn't an incumbent nor did he vote for TARP. I'm guessing that a vote for Paladino is a vote against the hated President but my God, Carl Paladino is your response?

In Nevada, Harry Reid went all in on the healthcare bill knowing that, with unemployment running at 15% in Vegas he was backing a losing hand. Republicans, apparently wishing to prove that you could beat Senator Reid with a ham sandwich, decided to run one. Sharron Angle, who suggests that farm animals can be used to pay medical bills, has turned a slam-dunk win for the GOP into a dead heat. Hell, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed could beat Harry Reid. Ms. Angle has spent the entire campaign hiding from reporters and literally running away from anyone with a question. I'm guessing that, if elected, Ms. Angle will refuse to go to Washington. After all it's full of liberal subversives. Actually Nevada has a "none of these candidates" box on the ballot; the only state that does. Perhaps Nevada will have six years of an empty chair in the Senate. A good spot to rest a ham sandwich.

And then there's Christine O'Donnell who is so toxic Karl Rove shakes her hand wearing asbestos gloves. This child carries more baggage than Amtrak. She is about ten minutes from a series of indictments concerning her inability to distinguish campaign funds from personal piggy bank. Her previous candidacies for Delaware's Senate seat, ensured that Joe Biden would win by a larger margin than Kim Jong Il. So far as anyone can tell she makes no campaign stops, delivers no speeches, gives no interviews. (I'm sorry but being drooled over by Sean Hannity doesn't count.) Not since Abe Lincoln has a candidate been less exposed. Her opponent, Chris Coons, apparently read that old saying about never underestimating the stupidity of the American electorate. He is taking Christine's campaign seriously. That's more than can be said for the rest of us. In the absence of any real statement of Ms O'Donnell's platform, ("don't play with yourself or you'll go blind" is not a policy position) we are left with old clips from Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect from the late 1990's.

This is the country that elected Jesse "the body" Ventura, Dennis Kucinich, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Marion Barry, Sonny Bono and two out-of-work B-list actors from California. (Maybe you forgot George Murphy.) We understand anti-establishment. We also don't like being told who to vote for (See "Dewey Defeats Truman", 1948). However, if we must protest, at least we should choose serious people; people with positive ideas. I can live with being governed by politicians with views contrary to mine but I would prefer not to be governed by politicians elected exclusively based on their opposition to everything progressive. One constructive idea would be nice. Besides, election to office is the ultimate form of self-gratification. Fortunately, considering a 17% deficit in the polls, Christine O'Donnell isn't likely to suffer this particular moral dilemma.

...or is there really no place like home?

Reasons to stay in America Part I:

Both the UK and US governments are cautioning travelers to Europe of the increased threat from Al qaeda and like-minded bad guys. The advisory stops short of a "warning" but both governments suggest caution. OK, so how exactly do I travel "cautiously"? Do I go to Paris but steer clear of the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre? What about Jim Morrison's grave? Is it OK to go to Rome as long as I avoid the Forum and the Vatican? It appears that the only way to keep from becoming a terror victim is to alert authorities to any suspicious activity by any airline passenger with skin darker than John Boehner. This might present a problem in that the capitals of Europe have sizable Middle Eastern populations. Hell, every third person in London looks like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. You could spend a week in the UK and never meet anyone who talks like John Cleese. A tourist might attempt to report unusual behavior to a uniformed guard only to discover that the guard looks scarier than the guy he's reporting. What to do?

Because most Muslims are as harmless as Hare Krishnas (are they even still around any more?) the issue is that most travelers can't tell a bad guy from a baggage handler. People are a lot more likely to be frightened by a scruffy college student than by a guy in a suit. In that the EU has the most to lose from this problem, it would appear to be theirs to correct. One way to fix the perception problem is to ban "scruffy".

How hard can this be? The French have banned the burqa. How difficult would it be to require Muslim men to grab a haircut and a beard trim before venturing out in public? (The suggestion that Middle Eastern men be required to bathe might be seen as unfairly requiring an action not practiced by the French population at large.) Europe could publish pictures of Joaquin Phoenix from his gig on Letterman as an example of unacceptable appearance. If nothing else it would generate badly needed revenue for the barbers.

The idea of a general tonsorial clean-up might not protect tourists in Europe from exploding Samsonite but it will make them feel better about the people they encounter in airports and train stations. Considering that catastrophe is a remote possibility, why not let people enjoy the allusion of safety? After all, you are far more likely to be robbed by a Roman cab driver or a French waiter than become a victim of Achmed the suicide bomber. And if the worst actually happens, at least you will have been done in by a guy that looks like Omar Sharif... and he looks marvelous.