Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!
Didn't you read the "moral turpitude" clause in your Nike contract? It clearly states "this contract will be null and void in the event your aggrieved spouse takes a three iron to the back window of your Escalade any time after 2:00 AM". Didn't anyone ever remind you of the words of Confucius who wrote "He who wishes to become the idol of millions would do well to keep his putter in his bag". Of course Confucius probably didn't spend much time at Vegas cocktail lounges.
All kidding aside (and that may take some time) this story sucks. A lot of people admired Tiger Woods; me included. For almost 34 years he has been letter perfect. Perfect childhood (so far as we know), perfect golf career, spotless reputation, sponsor's dream and, in a world of dirty laundry, a seemingly focused professional. Tragically, he now appears to have been focused on his next horizontal mambo. And see, that's the tragedy. Sexual dalliance allows for endless ridicule. Jokes about his driver alone could fill a book. It's one thing to have a drug problem or a martini jones. People shake their heads and wish you well in rehab. However, if your particular brand of peccadillo (see, still funny) involves playing hide the mashie with ladies to whom you are not currently married, you quickly become grist for the comedy mill. No one feels sorry for a guy who spends his off hours diddling his way through the western world.
Another impediment to understanding is Tiger's wife is gorgeous. True, the grass is always greener at someone else's country club (sorry!) but most people are baffled as to why Tiger would feel the need to stray from such a beautiful course (Sorry again). This is especially vexing in that a silver dollar would cover all three women. Is the fillet in Vegas better than the filly at home? (OK now I'm embarrassing myself.)
For those who say that this is a private matter between Tiger and his wife (and the bimbos and the lawyers), stop yourself. When you live a public life, when your income is derived from the image you project, you don't get to decide to suddenly become Joe Average American. The price you pay for the privilege of selling Accenture and Nike and Gatorade and Buicks and Gillette shavers is that you are special and worthy of emulation. Tiger isn't the ideal pitchman because he's a great golfer. He's also a great black golfer and good looking and, up until now, appeared to embody the American ideal. And that's why this story sucks. We all thought it was OK to look up to Tiger Woods. Turns out the guy we admired like Jack Kennedy turned out to be all too much like...Jack Kennedy.
Showing posts with label Tiger Woods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tiger Woods. Show all posts
Friday, December 04, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
...or does Glen Beck look like Porky Pig with a bad crewcut?
Reasons to move to France:
The smiling Salahis, Tareq and Michaele, fresh from their gig as uninvited guests at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., are getting what they always wanted: their 14.5 minutes of fame. In keeping with America's tradition of rewarding moronic behavior, these celebrity wanna-be's will get to make the rounds of the oatmeal circuit and, who knows, maybe Oprah. Forgotten are the myriad Secret Service agents who will certainly be either fired or shipped to Waserastan thanks to these two clowns. Bumper stickers are now being printed for all Secret Service cars which read "A tux and a pretty wife only gets you into the White House if you're elected".
The only possible purpose these nobodies could serve is to waltz into Tiger Woods' gated community and attempt to discover why Tiger's wife smashed the back window of his SUV in an attempt to extricate him from the driver's seat.
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A New York City high school teacher is suing the Board of Ed for injuries sustained as a result of slipping on the free condoms distributed to the students. The lawsuit, filed by Karen Hollender, allows for several lines of inquiry: 1) Should additional class-time be devoted to how condoms are used and disposed of without the use of bananas? 2) Do students believe that condoms and banana peels are similar? or, 3) Is the promiscuity level so high at some schools that, just the distribution of condoms causes a flurry of sexual activity in the hallways? We may never know.
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Much is being made of a "suggestive, overtly sexual" performance rendered by Adam Lambert at the American Music Awards last month. Beyond the usual questions about what is appropriate for network television and how far is too far, one needs to address the key question in the debate...Who the f**k is Adam Lambert?
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Sarah Palin's "memoir" (by this definition Ian Flemming's James Bond books were memoirs) has passed the 500,000 mark in sales. However, before you renew your passport and buy that one-way ticket to Charles de Gaulle Airport, remember that America bought 400,000 copies of Bill Clinton's "My Life" not to mention millions of pet rocks, mood rings and Donna Fargo's "Happiest Girl in the Whole USA". I understand that a copy of Sarah's books will now be given away free with the purchase of "Jingle Bells" as performed by the Barking Dogs. We're such children.
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In for a penny, in for a pound.
Determined to regain their 13th Century status as a temporal power, the Catholic Church in the United States is attempting to use whatever clout they have left to influence the pending healthcare legislation. Unable to persuade American Catholics that: condoms are evil, stem cell research is the devil's business, your living will is irrelevant and, of course, a woman has no right to choose; the Vatican's Men in Black are trying their luck in Congress. We wish them the best of luck.
If successful, the bishops will move on to civil law and attempt to prohibit law suits against pedophile priests.
The smiling Salahis, Tareq and Michaele, fresh from their gig as uninvited guests at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., are getting what they always wanted: their 14.5 minutes of fame. In keeping with America's tradition of rewarding moronic behavior, these celebrity wanna-be's will get to make the rounds of the oatmeal circuit and, who knows, maybe Oprah. Forgotten are the myriad Secret Service agents who will certainly be either fired or shipped to Waserastan thanks to these two clowns. Bumper stickers are now being printed for all Secret Service cars which read "A tux and a pretty wife only gets you into the White House if you're elected".
The only possible purpose these nobodies could serve is to waltz into Tiger Woods' gated community and attempt to discover why Tiger's wife smashed the back window of his SUV in an attempt to extricate him from the driver's seat.
___________________________________________________________________
A New York City high school teacher is suing the Board of Ed for injuries sustained as a result of slipping on the free condoms distributed to the students. The lawsuit, filed by Karen Hollender, allows for several lines of inquiry: 1) Should additional class-time be devoted to how condoms are used and disposed of without the use of bananas? 2) Do students believe that condoms and banana peels are similar? or, 3) Is the promiscuity level so high at some schools that, just the distribution of condoms causes a flurry of sexual activity in the hallways? We may never know.
___________________________________________________________________
Much is being made of a "suggestive, overtly sexual" performance rendered by Adam Lambert at the American Music Awards last month. Beyond the usual questions about what is appropriate for network television and how far is too far, one needs to address the key question in the debate...Who the f**k is Adam Lambert?
___________________________________________________________________
Sarah Palin's "memoir" (by this definition Ian Flemming's James Bond books were memoirs) has passed the 500,000 mark in sales. However, before you renew your passport and buy that one-way ticket to Charles de Gaulle Airport, remember that America bought 400,000 copies of Bill Clinton's "My Life" not to mention millions of pet rocks, mood rings and Donna Fargo's "Happiest Girl in the Whole USA". I understand that a copy of Sarah's books will now be given away free with the purchase of "Jingle Bells" as performed by the Barking Dogs. We're such children.
___________________________________________________________________
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Determined to regain their 13th Century status as a temporal power, the Catholic Church in the United States is attempting to use whatever clout they have left to influence the pending healthcare legislation. Unable to persuade American Catholics that: condoms are evil, stem cell research is the devil's business, your living will is irrelevant and, of course, a woman has no right to choose; the Vatican's Men in Black are trying their luck in Congress. We wish them the best of luck.
If successful, the bishops will move on to civil law and attempt to prohibit law suits against pedophile priests.
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