...or can we at least agree that God must have an infinite sense of humor?

While you were sleeping...



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A teenager in New York is suing the city for injuries suffered when she fell down an open manhole. The Staten Island native, one Alexa Longueira, was engaged in sending a text message at the time of the accident. Presumably the message was something along the lines of "OMG I like walked into a dk hole. I'm cut and like bleeding. No LOL please" Alexa was unhurt and we can only hope that, next time, the municipality of Staten Island re-covers the manhole...with Alexa still inside.



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State liquor officials in Alabama have halted the sale of Cycles Gladiator wine because the label, a reproduction of an 1895 French advertising poster, depicts a naked flying nymph.

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The British government has issued a set of guidelines for civil servants using Twitter. As you may know, Twitter messages can run to no more than 140 characters. The manual issued by the British government is 20 pages.



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It is impossible to add anything constructive to the Gates/Crowley dustup of last week except that the President, along with every other black man in America, cannot be faulted for believing that the arrest, in his own home, of a limping 57 year old black man by a white Cambridge cop, was racially motivated.



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The recent gaggle of scandals vexing the Republican Party has brought unwelcome attention to a fundamentalist Christian organization referred to as "The Family". The group operates out of a boarding house on C Street in Washington and includes among its followers John Ensign, who got his parents to pay off his former mistress and her husband to the tune of $96,000; Mark "hiking the Appalachian Trail" Sanford and Charles "Chip" Pickering of Mississippi who has recently been accused of using the group's C St. house as his own chateau l'amour. In case these names sound familiar, these are the same fellows who in 1998, were hunting Bill Clinton's head (while Bill Clinton was hunting head). Apparently being a swordsman is only a crime if you're a Democrat.

The origins of The Family are as interesting as they are bizarre. Founded by Abraham Vereide, a Norwegian immigrant working in the poorer precincts of Seattle, Reverend Vereide (he was,among other things, a traveling preacher) determined that: 1) unions were socialist, 2) socialism was evil, and, 3) ministering to the poor was less profitable than the brochure had led him to believe. Abe claimed to have been visited by God who took the form of the president of U.S. Steel ( apparently, the ghost of Andrew Carnegie was otherwise engaged). This CEO/God assured Rev. Abe that there were already plenty of folks ministering to the poor. Abe was instructed to care for the troubled and spiritually neglected captains of industry and the leaders of America. What a break!



Delighted to cast off the smell of poverty for the sweet aroma of wealth, Reverend Vereide set about organizing his new ministry. In 1941 he arrived in Washington and immediately began acquiring converts to his "poor people are swine, greed is divine" brand of Christianity. By 1953 he had gained access to Dwight Eisenhower who was the first President to attend his National Prayer Breakfast. Presidents , including Barack Obama, have been appearing ever since.



By 1969, Reverend Vereide went to join that great country club in the sky, leaving the reins of leadership to Doug Coe. Now 81, Mr. Coe is still a powerful voice for the group. Among his religious tenants are: 1) It's OK to profess virtue and still bed your campaign workers. Morals are for the little people. 2)Hitler, Pol Pot and Osama bin Laden are to be admired as leaders who were able to organize their followers. 3) Powerful people are ordained by God and are more important in his eyes. So what was all that New Testament drivel about the difficulty of a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven?



The leaders of The Family have compared the group to the Mafia. They like a low profile. They also don't care how a man makes a living or who gets hurt in the process. In the eyes of The Family, if God did not want them shorn, he would not have made them sheep.



Like all successful Christian demigods, Coe has found a scriptural passage to justify his beliefs. Given half a chance, Christians could find a biblical imperative for dunking donuts in coffee. Coe decrees that King David, famously adulterous, was still one of God's chosen. Did David resign in the face of scandal? He did not. In other words, "It's good to be the King". This is the reason for the lack of resignations coming from those caught with their zippers at half staff. Sanford, Ensign & Co. have been advised that, because they are among the power elite, the rules of decency and morality don't apply to them. That must have come as welcome news.



Anyway, next time you find yourself in Washington, stop by the house on C Street. There's always a cup of relativism brewing along with some delicious situational morality cookies. Who knows, you might even get lucky...if your clout is big enough.

...or does "getting to first base" mean the same thing in the Southern Hemisphere?

Love is never having to say "I did it for the frequent-flyer miles".



Pity the poor journalist or blogger desperately attempting to stay ahead of the Mark Sanford story. No sooner do we attempt an analysis of the revelations of last week: I wasn't really hiking the Appalachian Trail. Actually I was exploring the "Andes", and it wasn't my first expedition. But don't hate me too much because I'm in love.


Now we are faced with "Episode Dos" in the steamiest soap since Hospital Corners.. It seems that Governor Mark's dalliance in South America might not have been his first trip south of the border (wink, wink, nod, nod). In an interview with the Associated Press, Governor Swordsman admitted to a few additional trysts with at least four other women. In a statement filled with more euphemisms than my last trip to a confessional, Gov. Sanford spoke of not "crossing the sex line". I immediately assumed that there was a hookers strike and the Governor was being a good union supporter. This is the best information tease since Gypsy Rose Lee.


Attempting to parse his behavior, Sanford even included dancing as one of the activities he considered to be an out-of-bounds encounter. WOW! At the very least I thought we were talking second base. Apparently these tip-toes up to the "sex line" were a dress rehearsal (actually an un-dress rehearsal) for the main event with Maria Belen Chapur, of Buenos Aires hot tamale fame. We have been spared a blow-by-blow (sorry) description of his activities in the Southern Hemisphere but it's clear that Governor Sanford pole-vaulted over the "sex line" with room to spare.


My personal favorite was his description of a trip to New York, ostensibly to end the affair with Ms. Chapur. Deciding that an email brush-off would be gauche, Governor Sanford not only went to meet his lady in Manhattan, he brought along a "spiritual advisor". This reverse Cyrano act apparently didn't go as planned. I suspect that the spiritual advisor was asked to wait in the car while Governor Hot Pants rekindled his love. Wouldn't you love to have been on that plane ride back to South Carolina?


Sanford has delivered a personal check (presumably not from the couple's joint account) for $3,000 to cover the cost of his recent get-away in Argentina. Apparently, when it comes to soul mates, coach class is enough to get the job done. Former Governor Elliot Spitzer, upon hearing this news, remarked that at least he never paid that much for one roll in the hay. To be fair, Spitzer was only partaking of the domestic fare. Sanford's tastes run more toward the intercontinental.


Anyway, Senators Lindsey Graham, Jim Demint and the rest of the religiously damaged Conservatives of South Carolina are praying for a reconciliation between Governor Sanford and his wife of 20 years. They are also praying that Lt. Governor Andre Bauer does not become the new governor. Even if God came from a red state, this would be a tall order. Comments like " I can die knowing I met my soul mate" would only be helpful if the Governor were talking about his wife. He wasn't. Mrs. Sanford, AKA, the dutiful wife, is sequestered on Sullivan Island in South Carolina, presumably plotting to ensure that her soon-to-be-former husband couldn't be elected secretary of the Aiken Little League Association. She has been quoted as saying she might be able to forgive her chronically wayward husband. This will presumably coincide with the freezing over of either hell or Buenos Aires.

...or is one man's lemon another man's lemonade?

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Amid the weeping and wailing across America and the world over the death of Michael Jackson, there was a noticeable shout of joy emanating from the State Capital of South Carolina. It seems that the sudden demise of the King of Pop has knocked Governor Mark Sanford clear off the front page of the country's newspapers. Headlines like "Buenos Airhead" and "Latin Lover Emails" were erased in favor of a gushing river of praise for the man most recently famous as the most notorious pedophile not wearing a cassock. Jackson went immediately from the bizarre owner of Neverland Ranch to America's most revered performer. Death is a better detergent than Tide.



So congratulations to Governor Sanford! With any luck he will be able to continue his environmentally laudatory interest in extending the Appalachian Trail to the suburbs of Buenos Aries.

Quiet congratulations also to the family of Farrah Fawcett. The Jackson story has also allowed her loved ones to mourn with more dignity than they would normally have been accorded.



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And speaking of people getting kicked off the front page, how would you like to be Kim Jong Il?
This guy has done everything short of short-sheeting the Lincoln bedroom to get the attention of the world. Threatening to "wipe America off the map" got him more notice on Jon Stewart's show than in the New York Times. Even his nukes aren't being taken seriously. Experts agree that, short of mailing one to Hawaii, Kim's ability to deliver a bomb is limited at best. Understandably, the South Koreans and the 30,000 American military personnel stationed south of the 38th parallel are somewhat more concerned. They are relying on China to keep Kim quiet. A steady supply of Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey and Bay Watch DVD's in HD have worked so far. Fingers-crossed, soon Kim will be joining his ancestors in that great rubber room in the sky and leave us all to deal with Kim Jong-un (who is actually Kim Jong-trois) the designated successor.

Recent history notwithstanding, President Obama does not feel it necessary to swat every fly. Unlike his predecessor, Obama (may the Lord guide his free-throws) has adopted an attitude that sticks and stones may break my bones but your weak-ass nuclear threat will never hurt me. Obama has bigger moles to whack.

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Which brings us to the Land of the Ayatollahs. Iran should be a cautionary tale about democracy. Not every election turns out the way you want. As Bush/Gore 2000 illustrated, elections are messy and occasionally contentious. The Iranians will have to figure it out for themselves like we did. Hopefully they will make a better choice.

The only thing we know for sure is that cheerleaders from the conservative right are as unproductive as they are unhelpful. America has no horse in this race. As Viet Nam and Iraq have so tragically illustrated, we are ill-equipped and ultimately disinclined to be the world's policeman. If Iranians want change, they know how to accomplish it. They elected Mahammed Mosaddeq in 1951, deposed the Shah in 1979 and even voted for the moderate (by Iranian standards) for president in 2001. American support for any candidate would be as toxic as a campaign appearance by GWB in 2008. We cannot control the world's elections. Hell, based on 2000 we can barely control our own.

...or is infidelity the only thing everyone in Washington can agree on?

Thank you Jesus for sending us the law firm of Sanford, Vetter, Spitzer, Edwards, Clinton, Ensign and Craig. Among these mid-life, middle-aged horn toads there has been more nookie than at a Marilyn Chambers film festival. These guys have done more for the motel industry that the entire federal highway system. Makes you wish you had the cialis concession at the Republican National Convention. To be fair, government sleaze has been delightfully distributed across party lines. Clearly, both Republicans and Democrats take their pants off one leg at a time. Apparently the ability to think with body parts other than your brain is not limited to either the blue or the red. It is, however, more fun to lampoon the Republicans because they are so damn sanctimonious and close to God.

As everyone knows by now, the latest inductee into the Hall of the Shameless is South Carolina's Republican Governor Mark Sanford. Sanford's case reads like the OJ chase without the Bronco. Having disappeared for four days (sort of a junket for his junk) the Governor emerged yesterday at a press conference clearly staged by Danielle Steele. Spilling enough tears to short-circuit the microphones, Sanford rambled and sobbed for forty minutes about everything from his high school excursions to the Appalachian Trail to the "sparking" of his South American paramour. The Andy Hardy language about "sparking" and "God's law" was more reminiscent of young love in a Chevy convertible than an international boinking with an Argentine firecracker. Sanford apologized so often and to so many people, he almost didn't get around to what he had done.

In a move unusual for these sincerity-fests, Governor Sanford actually took questions. In a move not so unusual, he didn't actually answer any of them.

Example: Question "Governor, are you separated from your wife?"


Answer "I--I don't know how you want to define that. I mean, I'm here. She's there."


Makes you think of Bill Clinton's famous attempt to parse the definition of "is". Happily, it looked as though Mark Sanford put as much thought into this press conference as he did into the consequences of shtupping the girl from Ipanema. The performance was so pathetic that the people standing around and behind him were laughing. It appeared that he just walked into the State House, set up a podium and began speaking. The tour groups found him way more interesting than the statuary.

As of today Sanford in still the governor but, as allegations regarding who paid for the plane rides to paradise emerge, expect to see "Press Conference II, The 'I Quit' Moment". Hopefully, he will spare us the "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" refrain.

Meanwhile, the ranks of Presidential hopefuls on the Republican side is thinning faster than Oprah at the farmer's market. It's probably redundant to suggest that contenders are dropping like flies in that dropping flies appear to be the problem. At this rate, only someone as old as Grandpa McCain will be above suspicion. Among those whose shoes have thus far not been found under the wrong Beautyrest are:
Newt Gingrich. Although caught cheating on his wife and attempting to serve her divorce papers while she was recovering from cancer treatments, he hasn't been disgraced recently.

Tom Pawlenty. Pawlenty is the current governor of Minnesota and, so far as we know, isn't currently doing the horizontal merengue with Carman Maranda. Were I head of the GNC, I would have Pawlenty neutered immediately.

Charlie Crist. Charlie is currently campaigning for the Senate from Florida but rumors abound that Crist hits for the other team and we don't mean the Democrats. Any thought that the Republicans could nominate a homosexual for President is enough to make the statue of Ronald Reagan in the Capitol leap directly into the Potomac.

2012 is still a long way off and a weasel like Eric Cantor might yet emerge. And don't forget the Disaster from Alaska. Sarah may be a buffoon but who knows? Perhaps if someone advises her to actually read the speeches she gives or, act as if her audience had finished the fourth grade, better times await. Unfortunately, with Governor Palin's knowledge of geography, she might actually believe that the Appalachian Trail cuts through Buenos Aires.