...or will my Smartphone become self-aware before Newt Gingrich?

Things you don't need to care about and probably don't:

The French are holding an election for President. Because French politics is about as complicated as obtaining a Mexican drivers license (and about as interesting), we care only about the important stuff...like who has the hottest wife. Well, no contest here. Have you seen Carla Bruni, aka Mrs.Nicolas Sarcozy? She attracts a bigger crowd in Paris than the Louvre on "half price painting day". Mr. Sarcozy's opponent, Socialist Francois Hollande isn't even married. His "partner" for seventeen years was Segolene Royal who was defeated for President by Monsieur Sarcozy in 2007. (French politics is like an episode of Dallas without the big hair.) Hollande is currently chateau-ed -up with Valerie Trierweiler, a 47 year-old French journalist. Ms. Royal was 57, so an age upgrade there.

Unlike in the U.S., calling yourself a Socialist in France doesn't automatically consign you to laughing stock status on the debate stage. Should Mr. Hollande win (and he's looking good today) he will hardly be the first Socialist President of La Belle France. Think Francois Mitterrand who had the job for 14 years. Actually, Monsieur Hollande is a last minute replacement for New York's favorite hotel guest Dominique Strauss-Kahn. You may remember Mr. Strauss-Kahn as the gentleman who discovered a new way of expressing his appreciation to the chambermaids for good hotel service.

Anyway, if the Socialists win and the effort to roll back France's welfare state loses steam, France may wish to consider a rearmament of the Maginot Line. The Germans will be none too happy if their only real ally in the fight for European fiscal responsibility begins collaborating with the enemy. The Germans may feel the need to occupy Paris again; this time carrying briefcases.

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Because it's fashionable to complain about the customer service that American consumers receive today, allow me to interject my contrarian two-cents. In the last six months (I can't remember back much farther) I have dealt telephonically with service personal from at least 20+ companies. They range from retailers, insurance companies, the phone company (Verizon), internet providers and the electric co. Since most of the time we are calling to voice a complaint or at least correct a wrong, we are not often aware of the manner in which we are treated. I have discovered to my shock that the attention to service is amazingly high.

Seriously, every phone service person I speak to, Indian accents notwithstanding, is gracious, eager to help and surprising tolerant of my usually crappy attitude. I realize when I'm asked if "they have handled my problem" that the words are scripted but at least someone wrote a script and encouraged the service people to follow it. Even when my issue is beyond their competence, the phone people are solicitous and pleasant. There are a lot of ways to tell someone their request is unreasonable and customer service trainers appear to have hit most of them. I can tolerate being told I'm an asshole (God knows it happens often enough) as long as the revelation results in a resolution of the situation. So the next time you are forced to call Allstate about a claim or HP because your printer won't fax, pay attention to the way you are treated. It might be the least contentious conversation you have all day.

...or do we already know too much about you?

These are the times that try men's souls. A plague is loose upon the land. If left unchecked, it threatens to alter the very core of our being. From the time you awaken in the morning until you turn off the TV at night you will be affected by this scourge. It will influence how you interact with family, friends and co-workers. It could determine how much time you take to eat, shower and personally interact with others. It will consume your alone-time, especially the time you spend in the bathroom. That's right! I'm talking about the horror that is... over-posting on Facebook.

Oh, don't look so innocent. You know who you are. You post every homily, every aphorism, every cutsie saying or Youtube clip that informs your day. No event is too trivial; no meal or chance encounter too mundane to resist the need to tell the rest of us. Stuff that no rational person would consider transmitting via phone call, email or snail-mail, still makes its way into an endless series of "who cares" postings.

Having started out as a charming opportunity to share the occasional photo of your darling little (insert: dog, cat, goldfish, offspring or [shudder] grandchild) Facebook has blossomed into an internet obsession. Facebook posting has replaced smoking as something to do with your hands when nothing else is happening. We need rules, people! Here are a few humble suggestions:

1) Significance matters. If you dine at Le Cirque, tell us. If Wendy's forgot the mustard in your take-out order, keep it to yourself. If your dopey brother finally moved out of your mother's basement, share. If your son/daughter finished a Sudoku puzzle all by themselves, and it was just shy of their 35th birthday, hold that thought.

2) I'm guessing no one finds your family as interesting/beautiful as you do. Unless you are married to a Bundchen sister, one photo of any family member per month should be sufficient.

3) Words to live by, clever posters and great thoughts belong on bumper stickers not Facebook.

4) Sharing is caring. If we probably don't care...don't share.

In general, less is more. If you want your friends to read about your airport encounter with Tom Cruise, try not to post fifteen other notes about encounters with sales clerks, co-workers and a guy who looks like the guy on Good Morning America. Keep Facebook for cool stuff; you know, like blog announcements.

...or is Mitt Romney just Bob Dole with better hair?

Things that were happening while Rick Santorum was taken up in the Rapture:

Can anyone in America spell false equivalency? How about singing "one of these things is not like the other..."

Normally the all-time leader of the false equivalency tripefest is Fox News. In the world of Fox, there has never been a sin committed against poor people, black people, immigrants, women or any minority that doesn't immediately call to mind an equally heinous act perpetrated on a white, rich, native born, male. It usually sounds like "So how come the Left was silent when so-and-so did whatever." This is always followed by a condemnation of the media and its dark army of conspiratorial editors and producers. Lost of course, is the original story. Fox-o-philes never get tired of being told that all news (but theirs) is biased.

However, in the case of Miami Marlins Manager Ozzie Guillen it appears that all media have been bitten by the Fox bug. In an interview last weekend Ozzie, who was born in the Venezuela, was dumb enough to opine how he "loves and respects Fidel Castro". Think about that. Of all the towns in all the world to praise Fidel, Ozzie picks Miami. Cuban-Americans finish tied with Muslims every year for the Prickliest Ethnic Group Award. These people refuse to sleep on a Castro convertible sofa. They've been chilling the champagne for the "Fidel is Dead" celebration since 1959. Needless to say, Ozzie has since spent every waking moment backtracking. He has groveled to every Cuban from Marco Rubio to Tony Montana.

Actually, Ozzie has had a lot of practice apologizing. He is ever-so-slightly misogynistic, homophobic, racist and possessed of a vocabulary charitably described as colorful. Every other sentence is followed closely by an apology for offending some social or ethnic group. So why would image-conscious baseball tolerate such a loose cannon? Well, he took the Chicago White Sox to their first World Series victory in 100 years in 2005. Chicago's last championship occurred in the year Abe Lincoln threw out the ceremonial first pitch. His players love him and...his teams win. Think Billy Martin with a Spanish accent.

Circling back to false equivalency (you thought I forgot my point) the news outlets are alive with statements like "loving Castro in Miami is like loving Hitler in Crown Heights" (That's a Jewish neighborhood in New York. Try to keep up.) You might as well kiss a poster of Mao in Taipei. Both wrong. Hitler was Hitler. There are no equivalencies. Castro caused a lot of suffering in Cuba but on the evil meter he wouldn't even be in the top ten. Hitler is an evil mythology. Castro is just an old geezer who at 86 refuses to die.

Castro is still alive (as of this writing) and lots of people, including the baseball commissioner have visited Cuba and talked to him without turning to stone. Ozzie Guillen has also met him which explains his unfortunate compliment. Still, Ozzie's opinions are hardly significant. While it's true that no one can decide what offends someone else, I would humbly suggest that the Cuban American community get over it. The revolution was 53 years ago. You're Americans now. After all, it's not like Ozzie said he loved George Zimmerman.

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Tampa, FL officials have released a list of things that constitute a security threat during the Republican National Convention. Among the items not permitted on the convention floor: masks, pieces of string (I don't know why. Ask them.) and water pistols. Not on the list: firearms. In their infinite wisdom Florida legislators have prohibited local restrictions on gun possession. Is this a great country or what?

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A 46 year old hairdresser, Mickey Bolek, is attempting to fulfill his dream of becoming an Olympic figure skater, thereby combining for the first time, two well-worn stereotypes into one career.

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Rick Santorum abandoned his campaign to become mother superior to 300 million Americans when he announced that his effort to save us from ourselves was over. Santorum chose the Gettysburg Hotel as his Appomattox which was a fitting spot. Like the South, Rick was out-manned and out-financed. Santorum was also the victim of the worse beating in Pennsylvania since Bobby Lee got chased out in 1863. However, unlike the South, Santorum is destined to rise again, if not in 2016, then certainly in 2020. It will take that long for him to restock his supply of sackcloth and ashes.

...or does the ghost of Mike Nifong still haunt the precincts of our collective conscience?

What? You don't remember Mike Nifong? Too long ago?

OK, how about Dharum Ravi? Hell, his case went to the jury only last week.

Give up?

Mike Nifong was the Durham County, SC prosecutor who charged a group of Duke lacrosse players with forcible rape (is there another kind?) without bothering to determine if the alleged victims were telling the truth. The result was a national rush to judgement that, while not ruining three lives, at least put a turd in the graduation punchbowl. We were all ready to believe that a bunch of spoiled rich kids hired a couple of black dancers for a party and raped them. Were it not for DNA testing and an ATM camera, those kids might be making new friends at the Allendale Correctional Institution. Score one for law enforcement.

Dharum Ravi is the Rutgers student who has been found guilty of anti-gay intimidation (a hate crime in New Jersey) for watching on the web as his gay roommate got it on with another man. Ravi's roommate, Tyler Clementi, committed suicide by jumping from the George Washington Bridge. Ravi has been accused of "outing" his roommate, which he didn't, and broadcasting a sex video on the internet which he also did not. Ravi's case is the classic coincidence vs causation. To assume that Clementi's suicide was a direct result of Ravi's actions is a bigger leap than the one that killed Clementi. Paging Jack McCoy?

All of this is by way of reminding my fellow travelers of the danger of mailing in your guilty verdict before all the facts are in. Attend the tale of Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman. In case you have been travelling with Rick Santorum and therefore never hear anything about the real world, Trayvon Martin was shot and killed by Mr. Zimmerman on Feb 26 in the little town of Sanford FL. The only facts in evidence are that Martin was unarmed and he was on the phone with his girlfriend when the incident occurred. After that it starts to get cloudy. Zimmerman claims that he was attacked and that he was defending himself. Maybe.

The situation is complicated by a nifty little law that was passed in Florida and 22 other states. As the result of an unholy alliance between the Republicans and the NRA, Florida has a law nicknamed Stand Your Ground. The short version is that if you perceive yourself in fear of death or "great bodily harm" you have Florida's permission to blast away. The threat need not be real or provable just as long as you "perceive" it to be so. These laws stem from a decision by the Supreme Court in 1895 (Beard v U.S.) that spoke to a person's right to use deadly force "in his home" when a threat was imminent. Florida, and other states, have expanded the concept to include any place that a person has a lawful right to be. If I'm in a park and you assault me with a knife I have no obligation to flee. I am well within my rights to perforate you with as many 9mm holes as my little Glock will fire. (That'll teach you to bring a knife to a gun fight.)These Castle Laws have only been codified recently in states with newly minted Republican majorities.

Considering that Castle laws have been part of the common law environment for a hundred years, one can only wonder why the sudden urge to write legislation to expand the protection. Perhaps the NRA was mindful of all the new guns purchased in the U.S. since a black man won the White House and they wanted to give people someone to shoot. In any event, because this law is on the books in Florida and only George Zimmerman is around to tell his story, no arrest was made.

That was before the media got involved...and Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson, and the President of the United States...and Fox News. The lack of actual information as to what happened has not stopped the news cyclists from covering this tragedy non-stop. George Zimmerman's life has been dissected like a frog in second period biology. Whether he was justified in shooting Trayvon Martin or not, his life will be decidedly different from here on. Trayvon's parents have given innumerable interviews and made several impassioned speeches. Everyone with a microphone and an audience is screaming for justice; justice being mostly defined as an indictment of Mr. Zimmerman. However this is resolved, no one will like the outcome.

Sanford, Fl is microcosmic of the country at large: 45% non Hispanic white, 30% black. Prior to the Trayvon Martin shooting Sanford was mostly remembered (if remembered is the proper term) as the town that ran Jackie Robinson out when he tried to take the field during a 1946 spring training game. The Dodgers were forced to move to Daytona Beach. People have been taking to the streets in Sanford and about everywhere else demanding an investigation. The Feds are now involved as is the State of Florida, the county of Seminole and about everyone else short of the Warren Commission. Justice will be done...well done...burned to a cinder.

Sadly, the trigger-happy asshats of the Florida legislature will, as always, escape unharmed and unrepentant. The people who put the gun in George Zimmerman's hand and gave him permission to use it will never have to answer for their actions. The NRA will remind people that, while tragedies happen, the sale, ownership and use of a gun is a wonderful and God-given right. After all, "Stand your Ground" isn't just the law, it's the American Way. With the saddest of hearts I'm sorry to say they are probably right.

...or is the Reason Rally just an excuse for smart people to carry dumb signs?

Amid the competing forces gathered on the Washington Mall last Saturday to blather for and against the healthcare reform bill, there was one group that went largely unnoticed. Honestly, why would anyone demonstrate on the Mall for a Supreme Court decision? You'd have a better chance affecting the outcome of the Kansas - North Carolina basketball game by demonstrating outside the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis. The group calling itself The Reason Rally managed a crowd of 25,000 or so and attempted to show the powers that be in Washington that atheists are a force to be reckoned with.

Anyone who wonders why reason needs a rally has spent very little time reading a newspaper and no time watching FOX News (God bless you). Americans have consistently used religion and its cousins: exclusionism, faith and bigotry to pollute the national dialogue. The symptoms are everywhere but mostly centered around the conservative, tea party, evangelicals. As our politics devolve into a race to the bottom, GOP presidential hopefuls are leading the way.When a debate moderator asks eight potential presidential candidates how many believe in evolution and only three answer affirmatively, reason needs a rally. When a substantial percentage of the voting population chooses a candidate who degrades education and disdains any science that contradicts his mysticism, reason needs a rally.

While the Reason Rally organizers profess to be neutral on religion, their signs and slogans carry a decidedly anti-religious tone. The featured speaker, Richard Dawkins (no, not the Family Feud guy) has written a book called The God Delusion. Dawkins believes that Homo sapiens are at their best when they "crawl from the swamp of primitive superstition and embrace reason and evidence-based truth". OK, maybe that's a bit harsh on religion but consider the following:

- Rather than accept the revelations of modern science, they take their truth from a book written in 800 BC by unidentified authors whose knowledge was of their time.

- When faced with something they don't understand, they don't interrogate science for a solution, but conclude that it must be supernatural and therefore beyond understanding.

Seriously, the appeal of presidential bright-lights like Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Donald Trump runs about as far from reason as it's possible to get. Ask yourself who has dropped out early (Mitch Daniels, Tim Paulenty) and who's still in (Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich). The reasonable types got shelved at the outset. Why? Too reasonable. Republicans clearly prefer candidates who believe in sacred underwear and creationism.

Here's a simple test to determine if you're ready to join the Reason Rally:

If you are suspicious of intellectuals and the elite, preferring instead to be governed by people just like you, the Reason Rally probably isn't your best choice for a weekend activity. If you believe that the guy who does your taxes should have a better education than the person you send to Washington as President, you might find NASCAR more up your street than the Reason Rally. If you think that your Christianity, your white-ness or your male-ness makes you a victim in America, re-runs of Glenn Beck will have more appeal than the Reason Rally.

Remember, according several of the candidates, God told them to run (Actually, in the case of Mitt Romney it might have been Karl Rove but, for Republicans, Rove is pretty close to being God. Gingrich was chosen by Lord Voldemort). So if God told Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum and whoever else, to run for Predident was he/she just having a bit of fun? Donald Trump supposedly wanted to trade a Divine endorsement for a spot on Celebrity Apprentice. The Almighty demurred. Anyway, no candidate has had the chutzpah to suggest that God told them he would help them win. Pity. My guess is The Almighty is taking Obama and the points. Sounds like a candidate for the Reason Rally.

...or is St. Patrick's Day a Republican plot to remind America of the evils of unchecked immigration?

Is there anything going on in the world besides the GOP primaries?

Why yes:

A recent survey (No, I don't know what survey. Look it up!) found that more than half of Republican voters in Mississippi think Barack Obama is a Muslim. In Alabama it's just under half. Two questions spring to mind 1) Did the survey poll voters in Vermont or Minnesota? 2) What the f**k is wrong with these people?

The first question goes to fairness. You get the idea that snotty pollsters from New York fill their slow days by surveying Southerners with questions like "Are you hayseeds really as dumb and ill-informed as Northerners think you are? Do you think that comes from a poor education or from marrying your first cousins?" The perception of ignorance regarding citizens of Georgia and Louisiana is a stereotype that should have died years ago. The South is the birthplace of Faulkner and Tennessee Williams; of Lincoln and Lee; of John Grisham and Johnny Depp. Except that Southerners, bless their bigoted hearts, never miss an opportunity to reinforce all the unkind things we already think about them. Observe:

Laurens County, South Carolina is requiring candidates for public office to sign a pledge that they have not or will not have sex before marriage, that they are not gay and (I love this) that they will not watch pornography. So, if you're not gay, is watching gay porn OK? This charming bit of silliness has reduced the pool of potential candidates to straight (or closeted) eunuchs with no internet service. One or two nuns might qualify but I'm betting again' it.

Florida passed a law allowing public school students to recite "inspirational messages" during mandatory school events provided the faculty is not involved. For those of you who missed your caffeine jolt this morning, this is a feeble, lame attempt to circumvent fifty years of anti school prayer rulings by the Supreme Court. Southerners just can't let this go. (BTW the Florida legislature also rejected a law that made it a crime for Florida legislators to profit from the laws they pass. "Welcome to Florida where graft is actually legal".)

The Texas anti-abortion law, recently sign by Governor Rick "my MENSA application must be lost in the mail" Perry is so draconian, Garry Trudeau felt compelled to use his Doonesbury comic strip to lampoon it. Naturally, several southern newspapers have refused to print the strips.

For the record, the official policy position of isitjustme is that while all Southerners are not dumb a large percentage act dumb. Telling a pollster that you think the President is Muslim or a Kenyan is dumb. However, I am prepared to accept that telling someone that you don't like Barack Obama because he's black is worse. Perhaps the people of the Southern States have learned something about image. It's better to appear ill-informed than racist. Maybe I don't have my facts straight but they are facts...sort of. It appears we have hit on the first possible inspirational message for Florida school kids:

"Thank God we live in a country where information is never an impediment to an opinion. The men and women of our armed forces have given their lives to defend my right to talk out of my ass. Facts are for losers. If God wanted me to use my brain he wouldn't have given me a gut. It this a great country or what? God bless the United States of America...and Go Gators."

...or is the War on Religion being fought with very large egos and very small, round pills?

Meanwhile, down the street from the Unitarians...

The Catholics were girding for war. The gauntlet having been thrown down by Barack Obama and the Department of Health and Human Services, Catholics are being told that their very survival is at stake. America's Catholic Bishops are in conclave (conclave is like a meeting but everyone wears a dress.) deciding whether the fig leaf solution to the contraception problem offered by the Godless dictators in Washington can be accepted.

Really, this contraception squabble works for the Catholics on several levels. First, it diverts attention from the 500lb scandal that has plagued the RCC for the last fifteen years. "Pay no attention to all those pedophile priests and our institutional attempts to cover them up. The real issue is birth control pills". Second, it bestows on the Church the sacred cloak of victimization. Catholics who haven't seen the inside of a church since Aunt Clara passed are rallying around the old rugged cross. "Our blessed church is under attack. Man the barricades. ..right after we check Google Earth to see where the Church is." Nothing unifies the mob like a common enemy. For the moment we can forget that 98% of Catholic families have ignored the Church's teaching on birth control.

This controversy isn't likely to refill the pews at Our Lady of Infinite Indifference but it will at least afford the RCC the opportunity to make the papers for something other than sexual abuse. Priests can actually appear in public without their attorneys. Having been handed this marvelous public relations gift do not expect the bishops to let it rest. The debate among the prelates will be less about insurance coverage than about spin. This will require some delicacy...never an RCC long suit. Too much dogma and you risk alienating all those Catholic women who not only use birth control but have it paid for by their employers. Not enough pressure and the "evil oppressors" in Washington might seem less evil.

A tactical hint might be the statement by New York's newly minted cardinal, Timothy Dolan, who opined that the compromise suggested by the administration was a " step in the right direction". The wrong tone was offered by Cardinal George of Chicago who wrote that "liberty of religion is more than freedom of worship. Freedom of Worship was available in the Communist Soviet Union." Suggesting that government mandated contraception coverage is tantamount to state suppression of religion is a sure way to remind your audience why they left in the first place. The idea is to look principled but reasonable. No matter how much damage you inflict on Barack Obama you won't get Rick Santorum elected.

Actually, Catholics and Republicans have the same problem but for exactly opposite reasons. The Catholics are victims of a hierarchy whose reactionary policies have made them irrelevant. Catholics can make up their own minds about what constitutes a Catholic whether or not that view comports with Rome. Thus we have "cafeteria" Catholics. The GOP on the other hand is being dragged to the extreme right by its congregation. In this case its the leadership is resisting. Of course the Catholic bishops aren't running for anything (except for Cardinal Dolan running for Pope). The Church doesn't need consensus, although it would help fill a church or two.

The bishops will, no doubt, drag this debate beyond Easter and on into the summer. Catholic Americans, being Americans first, will lose interest and focus on the start of baseball season and the NBA playoffs. Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum will take their War on Religion on the lecture circuit where this red meat issue will stand in stark contrast to the chicken dinner they've just eaten. Catholicism will survive but in a diminished role. Mostly, American Catholics will come to believe that their obligation to their church is satisfied if they lustily root for Notre Dame football on Saturdays. Go Irish!

...or is it ironic that Jesus became such a liberal considering he was home schooled?

There have been almost 400 of these rants "published" since 2006 and I'm pretty sure none of them have been about me. There are several good reasons for this: 1) I'm boring. 2) If I wanted to write about myself, there's always Twitter. Trust me, my entire life would fit comfortably in 140 characters with room left over for a really tasty meatloaf recipe. 3) My political/social observations are occasionally worth the time spent reading. Not so my personal adventures. The only thing I share with the Most Interesting Man in the World is face hair.

I bring this up because something happened on Sunday last that caused me to rethink, in part, one of my long-held beliefs-namely, that most organized Christian religions are as antithetical to faith as is Macaroni Grill is to Italian food. Nothing in my experience has shown me any of the teachings of Jesus Christ in what has become modern-day Christianity. Jesus spent three years preaching in public. His message was love, charity, humility, kindness, self-sacrifice. His first public appearance was the marriage feast at Cana. At no time did he use the opportunity to rail against divorce or homosexuality or contraception. At the Sermon on the Mount all the admonitions were positive: "Blessed are the peacemakers", "Blessed are the pure of heart". There was no "Damned are the nonbelievers", or "If you Jews don't wise up you're all going to hell".

So, armed with my trusty preconception against most things Christian, I was persuaded to attend a service at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Fairfax. I had a layman's knowledge of Unitarians: they are non-dogmatic, liberal to a fault and given to sermons, not preaching.

Clearly I was more aware of what they weren't. Cynically, I was prepared to be unimpressed. Note: I don't think of myself as a cynic. However, after 64 years of consistently pointing out the cloud around every silver lining, others have labeled me such. I will bow to that observation.

What I heard was a one hour service devoted to people. There was an announcement of a meeting in Washington to aid immigrant Muslims. Let me say that again: the Unitarian Congregation is meeting to help immigrant Muslims. WOW! How does that square with the anti mosque sentiments of 2010?

There was singing (the day's topic was diversity so the musical selection included a Jewish folk song and a Buddhist chant. I know this sounds like they're trying too hard but is was actually OK). There were prayers but they were universal and gentle. The congregation was asked to remember the sick and suffering but not to pray for them. The only way I knew I was in a religious service was the passing of the collection plate. Apparently even Unitarians have to pay the light bill.

The experience wasn't transformative. We're not talking St. Paul on the road to Damascus. It was, however, educational. Unitarians pay close attention to language. God is barely mentioned. Spirituality is translated into grassroots practical actions. Behavior matters more than belief. Apparently, your relationship with the Almighty matters less than how you act toward others and your environment. Having been exposed to a lifetime of Christian threats and admonitions the Unitarian service was inclusive... tranquil. There was no carrot and stick...just an olive branch. It seemed ...uncluttered. I think Jesus might have approved.

...or has the GOP given new meaning to the term three-way?

Like most of my blue-state brethren I am overjoyed with the Chinese fire drill that is the Republican nomination process. Each day brings new opportunities for Mitt Romney to remind us how cluelessly wealthy he is. Every morning I can rise to the possibility that Rick Santorum will invent a new commandment (Thou shalt not fornicate with anyone using government sanctioned birth control.) Seriously, if Rick Santorum had presented the Laws to Moses he would have needed a semi instead of a Semite. Or I can gleefully await the next pronouncement of impending apocalyptic disaster from Newt "Dr. Doom" Gingrich. "If Barack Obama is re-elected President, America won't win a single gold medal at the London Games this summer." (Yeah, I know. The Olympics are in Aug. and the election is in Nov. Get over it.)

Republican voter are approaching primary ballots as though they were stored in an outhouse. GOP voters are clamoring for a "None of the Above" choice on the ballot although they have one: Ron Paul. If you don't believe it, look at Virginia. With Gingrich and Santorum absent, Dr. Paul amassed 40%. That's 40% of Virginia, which went for Obama in 2008, deciding that they couldn't pull a lever for Romney. Paul has no shot so why vote for him? Because drawing a picture of a steaming pile of horseshit in the Romney column takes too much time. Any opportunity for a write-in (there was none) would have generated votes for Donald Duck, Pat Paulson and a slab of ham (aka, Chris Christie). Republicans feel the same way about their options as kids in a school cafeteria feel about the vegetables...they're all about the same and they all suck.

Meanwhile in a big house on Pennsylvania Avenue, a certain tan-ish Commander-in-Chief is giving thanks to God, Allah, Jehovah, Krishna and about any other deity he can think of. With the economy moving at the speed of a Supreme Court foot race, the Iranians creating a nuclear-sized hemorrhoid and the price of a tank-full of regular running even with the price of a Springsteen ticket, the President can hardly believe his luck. Even when he screws up, like the flap over contraception and churches, the three stooges on the Right make him look like Gandhi and Mandela combined. In "Back To School" Rodney said "If you want to look thin, stand next to fat people." So, as a corollary, if you want to look really smart, get in a race with really stupid people.

If it were raining soup, Santorum would be out with a fork, Gingrich with a knife and Romney with a gold-plated colander. Seriously, these guys couldn't beat eggs. The Republican electorate feel about these three boneheads the way Chris Christie feels about a salad. OK I'll stop now but really, when the other guy makes an error, you don't stop, pick up the ball and invite him to tag you out.

Romney, if and when he eventually limps over the finish line, will do so without the South. (Yeah, he won Florida but Florida is about as "Southern" as a KFC in Newark.) The South would prefer Gingrich...or Santorum...or Gingrich or...apparently anyone but Mitt. (As an elder American I'm over the moon about the Southern states clamoring for, not one but two, Catholics. Jack Kennedy would be stupefied.) Romney may very well win all the primaries in states he can't possibly win in the general election. His strength ("strength" in Romney's case means 52%) in the industrial North, Midwest and far West may prove as significant as being named the #1 Jewish MMA contender. It's a nice honor but it's also a ticket to an ass-whipping.

Romney is the rich son of a rich father. He's as white as mayonnaise and about as exciting. His avid supporters wouldn't fill a booth at Burger King. Still, it's no sin to be rich, white and boring...unless your tricorn hat makes you look like one of King George's Governors instead of Patrick Henry. "Governor Romney, how do you feel about the Declaration of Independence? "Well, I don't know many of the Signers but I own the company that made the parchment and the ink company and the carriage company that transports the Signers and..."

...or will the GOP continue its vagina dialogues through November?

WOW!

I'd run out and buy a lottery ticket but I've already hit the liberal blogger trifecta: the Republican Party, the Catholic Church and Rush Limbaugh. If we could work in Sarah Palin, I could retire.

Yes, I know you're sick to death of women's health and contraception, of sluts and Santorum, of birth control pills and Georgetown health insurance but honestly, would you rather be talking about gas prices? Hell, even the double-digit IQ crowd that listens to Rush would rather agitate over how many birth control pills prostitutes need as opposed to God-fearing Christian girls.

In order to properly understand what happened to sane intelligent discourse it's important to understand a few facts. (Facts being those things which are harder to find than condoms in the Santorum bedside table.):

Health Insurance and the government- Twenty eight states in America currently mandate that employers cover birth control pills as part of comprehensive healthcare. Many of those states make no provision for religious institutions whether they be churches or church-run businesses like hospitals or universities. So almost half the states already have birth-control mandated and as far as I know Bishop Fishhat of the Roman Catholic Church hasn't said a word. So why bring it up now? Why is the provision more odious when it's national? (BTW, these state laws have been signed by such notables as "Governor" Mitt Romney and Rev. "Governor" Mike Huckabee.)

Women's health vs the First Amendment - Freedom of Religion as stated in the Constitution covers the establishment of a state religion and the "free exercise" of anyone's faith. I fail to see how a government mandate to provide health insurance coverage for contraception in any way violates the Constitution. Catholics are still free to practice their faith without interference. Government has been sensitive to church prohibitions and exempted them from the law when employees of the church itself are affected. When ancillary businesses such as hospitals are concerned however, churches are expected to obey the law. How does this violate a Catholic's right to practice?

Barack Obama and the War on Religion - I suspect that no one was more surprised than Barack Obama to learn that he had declared war on religion or war on the Catholic Church (You have to hand it to Newt. When he says "War on the Catholic Church" you can actually see Joan of Arc on Pennsylvania Ave.) Having been castigated for spending twenty years at the feet of Rev. Jeremiah Wright, the President expected attacks on his patriotism not his faith.

Nevertheless Congress, anxious to do anything to divert the country's attention from its complete and total ineptitude, lept to action. Rep. Darrell Issa of California empaneled a committee and elicited testimony from "experts"...all men, all white, all older than that condom high schools kids carry in their wallet. Honestly, the panel looks like the reunion photo from the graduating class of a Presbyterian seminary circa 1958. It took a Democrat to permit the testimony of one woman, a law student, to present the argument for the other half of the population. And thus we get...

Rush Limbaugh and his appalling lack of grace and information - It's difficult to believe that the level of discourse in America has sunk so low that anyone would listen to or comment on a cancer like Limbaugh. His listening army of salesmen and retirees routinely spend three hours a day wallowing in every form of racist, misogynistic, reactionary bile a twisted soul can conceive. Unbounded by good taste, courtesy, or the slightest nod toward justice or fair play, Limbaugh has attacked anyone and everyone with innuendo, half truths and distortion. This is slime in its purest form.

However, this is a country founded on free speech. He gets to be a pig and we defend his rights. He's welcome to verbally abuse entertainers, politicians and public personalities for the amusement of his drones and the delight of his advertisers. Fame carries some peril (ask Sarah Palin). His right to be a turd however does not extend to ad homonym attacks on private citizens. The birth-control related testimony of Sandra Fluke before a Congressional Committee does not make her a public person. Attacking her as a "slut" and a "prostitute" is beyond disgraceful; it's libelous. It's also buffoonish. To expound on a woman's contraceptive needs is boorish. To do so with no actual knowledge is comic. Limbaugh's assertion that Ms. Fluke's sexual cravenness necessitates multiple contraceptive applications would be clownish if not so hurtful. Tragically, this incident and ten more like it won't end Rush Limbaugh. Boycotts have been suggested but the only boycott that may prove effective would be if women withheld sex from every husband who listens to that asshat. Not that Rush's audience gets laid all that much anyway!

Regardless of how this comes out, women will have access to contraception because, no matter what they say in public, men, fathers, lovers, adulterers and especially priests, do not welcome unintended blessed events. One might even expect to find a little round dispenser squirrelled away in the medicine cabinet of the Rick Santorum Little Red Home Schoolhouse in Great Falls, VA. After all, what student of military history doesn't remember the old World War I song "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ortho Novum"?

...or should we incarcerate anyone who intones, "No really, the check's in the mail"?

Way back in 2005, the Congress passed (yes, I know the words "Congress passed" don't appear together very often) the Stolen Valor Act. Seriously, who names these bills? must be the same guy who names car paint colors and lipsticks. Apparently there were a considerable number of men claiming to have been awarded the Medal of Honor and other decorations that they had not earned. While lying on your resume is as time-honored a tradition as lying on your taxes, Congress felt that the misrepresenting of ones military achievements was something that required a legal remedy. In all likelihood, this bit of feel-good legislation would have been consigned to the same file that contains Congressional passage of National Prostate Exam Month, however such is not the case.

Enter one Xavier Alvarez. Senor Alvarez managed to get himself arrested in a nasty little fraud case in which he tried to secure health benefits for his wife while he was serving on the Pomona, California water board.Further investigation revealed that Mr. Alvarez claimed to be a 25 year Marine Corp vet and recipient of the Purple Heart and Medal of Honor. None of that was true.

Clearly the word reprehensible was coined to describe Mr. Alvarez. Anyone who has worn the country's uniform finds lying about combat awards tantamount to cowardice under fire. Given the opportunity, we would gladly sentence this turd to spend a few quality minutes with some real Marines in an alley near Camp Lejeune. At least he would earn that purple heart.

This however, is America. We don't do frontier justice. Mr. Alvarez's case has made it all the way to Washington where the Supremes, fresh from the Whitney Houston funeral, will decide his fate. Of the nine justices on the court, three have served in the military: Breyer and Alito in the reserves, Kennedy in the National Guard. None have seen combat (unless you count Sonia Sotomayer's growing up in the Bronx). The military service of the Court members is relevant. Anyone who has spent time in the military imagines a special place in hell for those who fabricate their wartime experience. Any Justice who wore green, even in an armory in New Jersey, will react badly to someone professing courage under fire when none was demonstrated.

Still, for as much as we wish Mr. Alvarez to be publicly humiliated (a beating with a sock full of manure in front of the Iwo Jima Memorial springs to mind) the issue before the Court is, when does lying become crime? Is fudging your resume the same as forgetting to tell your fiancee that you are already married? Should we prosecute Senator Richard Blumenthal for "misstating" his military record during the 2010 campaign? What about Hillary Clinton's assertion about arriving in Bosnia under fire? Or Marco Rubio's "confusion" about when his parents came to America? What about Michele Bachmann telling Iowans she was born in the same town as John Wayne? Should there be a "just plain stupid" exemption? And let's not forget the 4,000 dead military personnel who paid the price for George W. Bush's lies.

It's a safe bet that, disgraceful as Mr. Alvarez's conduct might have been, the Supreme Court isn't likely to send him to the stocks. The First Amendment allows for free speech and, because there appears to be no actual damage, like yelling fire in a theater or "Obama" at the CPAC convention, there is no criminality. It seems certain that the "Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire" statute will not survive a Constitutional challenge. Mr. Alvarez will be returned to California where he can attempt to convince everyone that he arm-wrestled the Court for the verdict. Actually, this creep couldn't beat Ruth Bader Ginsberg in a thumb war.

...or do we all need to learn the Arab word for "enough already"?

Michael Corleone once famously said, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." I know exactly how he felt. Just when I thought I was through with religion for a week or two those frisky Muslims cause a ruckus in Afghanistan. Apparently several copies of the Quran, along with other religious materials, were burned at the Bagram Airfield. Call it housecleaning. The position of General John Allen, commander of the International Security Assistance Force is that this was a mistake and the burning was stopped as soon as it was discovered. OK, case closed. Well, not so much.

As we all know, Muslims view every slight, every presumed desecration, every affront to their faith as holy war. Whether the offense takes place in Indonesia or Turkmenistan or Iraq we can guarantee an out-of-proportion response. Hundreds, sometimes thousands take to the streets and howl at the perpetrators as great satans and defilers of ...whatever. When I first saw the demonstrations in Tahrir Sq. in Egypt last summer, I assumed someone had used the wrong type-face when printing the Quran.

What mystifies me is why the world allows these religious crazies to continue to terrorize the planet? We wouldn't tolerate this sort of behavior from Lutherans, or Buddhists or, God forbid, Jews. Yet we tolerate fatwahs and faith-based assassinations by Muslims as though they had the right to threaten or murder anyone merely as an expression of religious freedom. What is up with that?

The response from Gen. Allen in Afghanistan is obsequious to the point of embarrassment and we liberals don't embarrass easily. To listen to the general apologize you would think the soldiers at Bagram took a sledge hammer to a statue of the prophet. Oh wait. I forgot. If you create a statue of the prophet you are a blasphemer and subject to a fatwah. These disproportionate demonstrations of offense require a proclamation from the UN, to wit: Hey, Islam! Chill! No one in Mecca raised an eyebrow when ten Pakistani soldiers were found beheaded in a tribal region in Afghanistan but all Islam is in an uproar over U.S. Marines urinating on the bodies of their enemies. Apparently Muslim on Muslim bloodshed is kosher but urine on Muslim action is verboten.

There used to be an old saying that your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins. Likewise, your right to exercise your religion stops where the laws of civilized conduct begin. We are sorry your books got burned. It wasn't deliberate. Please allow us to make a contribution to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Camels. (OK, that was uncalled for.) The point is, you don't have to take to the streets every time some small incident takes place somewhere in the world that involves your people. If you keep this up, no one will take you seriously... like Jesse Jackson.

...or would our Founding Fathers, seeing how their names and policies are misused, have hopped the first boat for England?

Well, it's President's Day. With all respect to Abe Lincoln, this day always puts me in mind of those rich white men, you know, the 1%, who gathered in Philadelphia in 1776 and 1787 to write the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution. Their mistrust of the English crown, not to mention each other, made it possible to forge principles and laws that have endured for over 200 years. We are truly fortunate that these men were able to look across an ocean and craft a government diametrically opposite to that of the English monarchy. It's like having a leisure suit as the example of how not to dress. Unfortunately, current politicians, in a misguided attempt to appear patriotic and conservative have taken the names and writings of our Founders in vain.

This selective usurpation of the work of Jefferson, Adams, Madison et al, ignores the fact that these men were as different from each other as are the lawmakers of today. Jefferson and Hamilton hated each other. Federalists in 1787 had the same contempt for the views of Democratic Republicans that Liberals of today have for Conservatives. The term Founding Fathers, when applied to a single idea of how government should work, makes as much sense as using the term "Congress" to define a single legislative direction. The very nature of our form of government demands endless argument and endless compromise. When the Constitutional Convention finally produced a document no one liked, they sent it to the states for ratification.

Here are just a few facts to remember about our Founders:

-Patrick Henry refused to ratify the Constitution. He thought it too "federal". Pat was a big states-rights fan. He would have favored Ron Paul.

-Benjamin Franklin was in favor of inviting all immigrants to America, provided they were industrious. Ben must have needed a lot of lawn maintenance. Anyway, he would have opposed "building the damn fence".

-Thomas Paine, who was born in England, was a firm believer in government's responsibility for educating the population. "It is monarchical and aristocratical government only that requires ignorance for its subjects." Tom would have hated Texas...and Rick Santorum.

-Thomas Jefferson had an ego bigger than the dome on Monticello yet he said "Conquest is not in our principals. It is inconsistent with our government." George W. Bush must have been sick the day they taught Jefferson at Yale.

The bottom line is that these men, brilliant as they were, had about as much in common with each other as the visitors to the United Nations men's room. To exhume them en masse and parade them behind your candidacy like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, does an injustice to them and the audience you address. Imagine a small group of the "Signers" lined up behind Rick Santorum. As Santorum stormed about freedom of religion, John Adams might have opined in favor of state support of the clergy. Jefferson would have no part of that. He wanted no government-sponsored religious involvement. (Actually, Jefferson wanted no federally sponsored anything.) The conversation would quickly devolve into a shouting match over the powers of the federal government and no one would be able to hear Santorum. (Not an altogether undesirable outcome.)

The politics of the late 18th century was no game for children or poor marksmen. The duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton may have been the most famous dispute of the day but it was hardly unique. Mostly however the weapon of choice was newsprint. Hamilton and Jefferson had a famously fearful feud using newspaper surrogates. (Think Superpac in black and white.) Hamilton's paper continually hinted that Jefferson was none too particular about with whom he shared his bed. Jefferson responded that the same could be said of Hamilton's mother. (Actually they were both certifiable bastards but only Hamilton had the paperwork to prove it.) Politics in a democracy is always nasty, contentious and derisive. That's what happens when everyone has a say. In Russia or Saudi Arabia this problem seldom arises...more than once.

So please, on behalf of the Signers and the authors of the Constitution, on this President's Day, let the Founders rest. Their exhumation during this campaign is undignified. Let's leave God, Thomas Jefferson and Ronald Reagan to their respective places in the universe. Quoting the Bible makes you look sanctimonious; quoting Jefferson makes you look uneducated and quoting Reagan just makes you look silly. If you need a quote, consult Michele Bachmann. She has never allowed actual history to stand as impediment to Fox history.

...or should the GOP debates confirm your worst nightmares and have everyone appear in their underwear?

Anything but politics:

Our friends in the Catholic Church have created 22 new Cardinals. Each was chosen by the current Vicar of Christ for his faith, his loyalty and, most of all, his ability to keep civil authorities from arresting his priests. Among the chosen is that chubby, jovial, smiling, wouldn't you love to share a Heineken with, Timothy Dolan, Archbishop of New York. Dolan laughed and charmed his way through a 60 Minutes profile and made all of New York forget the sewer that runs just below St. Patricks Cathedral.

In case you were counting, the current score is:

Number of cases of sexual abuse by priests worldwide----- 100,000+

Amount of Church money paid in claims------------------- $2.6 billion


Number of priest turned over to civilian authorities
by the Church or any of its Cardinals or Bishops.--------------- 0


In case you are having trouble understanding that last number, it's zero; none.

So for the record, any Catholic who drops five cents in a collection plate is paying for the continuation of this atrocity. Moving on...



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Just when you think that all religion is a joke and genuinely righteous people are harder to find than a book in Sarah Palin's house, along comes the story of Dolores Hart. Maureen Dowd's column in today's NY Times highlights the fascinating tale of the woman who was presumed to be the next Grace Kelly back in 1959. Having given Elvis his first screen kiss in King Creole, Dolores starred in several popular boy/girl features like "Come Fly with Me" and "Where The Boys Are". A role in "Francis of Assisi" with Bradford Dillman must have had a profound effect. (Oddly enough, none of the animals talk. Paging Walt Disney.)

After a run in "The Pleasure of His Company" on Broadway, Ms. Hart visited a Benedictine Abby in Connecticut to rest. Three years later she returned to the Abby and has remained there for the last fifty years. A documentary about her remarkable life is scheduled for April on HBO and Ms. Hart has committed to attend this year's Academy Awards.

With the death of a deeply troubled Whitney Houston in the news all week, a story like this deserves more attention that it will get. It's nice to know that not all fame is corrosive. We all want to think that for every Judy Garland there's a Robert Downey, Jr; for every Russell Crowe a George Clooney. Being a star might be fun but being a nun in Connecticut is...well...OK maybe not as much fun but at least she never had to be in another Elvis movie.

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Good news from Foxconn!

No, Foxconn is not Rupert Murdoch's latest on-line right-wing bullhorn. Foxconn is the Chinese factory complex that spits out millions of cell phones, tablets and laptops using workers for whom slavery would be a major step-up in pay grade. The factories employ over one million workers. The people who made your ipads and droids work twelve hour days, perform mind-numbing routine tasks and live in dormitories that would make migrant grape pickers in California strike for better conditions. Suicide was so pervasive that the government was forced to take decisive action. Counseling?...No. Longer weekends? Ridiculous. That action was to install giant nets around the dorms to catch the jumpers (and apparently dock their pay for taking an unauthorized break).

Bad publicity and a light nudge from the folks at Apple and HP have forced the Chinese to address the terrible conditions at Foxconn beyond upgrading the quality of toilet paper in the rest rooms. Salaries have been raised to about $400 a month (Lebron James makes approx. $6,000 per point). In addition, the benevolent folks in Beijing have promised to limit overtime (hey, it's not like the little buggers have anything else to do) and adhere more closely to Chinese labor laws. ("Chinese Labor Laws" being our newest oxymoron). Apple stock is soaring and the last thing they need in Cupertino is a worm. Visions of millions of hazmat-clad Asians chained to a work station in an Orwellian sized clean-room is enough to drive America to a newsstand or, God forbid, a library.

Still, if Americans want to know why unemployment is high and we hear cries of America doesn't make things anymore, consider the factory worker in China. Well, at least they get health care...a a first-rate team of firemen to free them from the nets and send them back to work.

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Carnival Cruise Lines has offered the survivors of that little mishap off the coast of Italy a whopping 30% off their next cruise with Carnival. Really? 30%? That's about the same number of degrees that the Costa Concordia is currently listing to starboard. I'm sure that the 3,200 passengers who were abandoned by their captain and forced to leave their possessions and swim for their lives from a sinking ship are lining up to avail themselves of that 1/3 off sale.

...or does the Republican race look like four men in a tug of war with everyone holding the same side of the rope?

It was a quiet Thursday night. As I perused my well-worn copy of Blaise Pascal's "Lettres Provincieles" (my Camus was being rebound) I discovered a delicious quote. In 1658 Pascal wrote, "Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." It seems unlikely that Pascal was contemplating the 2012 GOP Presidential contest but old Blaise was right on the mark.

Just as good economic news was sucking all the air out of the conservative argument for American regime change, along comes the Department of Health and Human Services. HHS determined that part of the new healthcare laws to take effect in 2014 compels all employers of a certain size who currently provide healthcare to include coverage for birth control, including so-called morning after meds. Exceptions were made for churches whose doctrine forbids contraception but not for commercial enterprises, such as hospitals and universities run by those religious groups. HHS might have expected some pushback from a church here and there but since laws like this were already on the books in several states it probably wouldn't amount to much. (Note: Massachusetts has this provision as part of its comprehensive healthcare law, signed by Governor Mitt Romney. Governor Mike Huckabee, aka Rev. Mike Huckabee, signed a similar law in Arkansas. Arizona's law makes no exception for churches of any kind.)

However, this is the election year of 2012 and no good deed goes unnoticed or unpunished. The circular firing squad that is the GOP presidential contest descended on this as though the Obama administration had decreed a tax on church collections. "War on Religion" screamed Romney clearly forgetting what his pen hath wrought. "War on the Catholic Church" howled Gingrich who himself is a relative newcomer to Catholicism. (Newt either overlooked the CC's prohibition on divorce or he plans to be more faithful to this Church than he ever was to his first two wives.)

Rick Santorum, who plans to run for Pope if his Presidential bid collapses, used the opportunity to condemn birth control, abortion, sex and dancing too close. Santorum plans to propose legislation forbidding men to ride behind women on escalators. (Considering Rick's negative views on sex one wonders where the eight little Santorums sprang from. Maybe he prayed for them.)

As always, when the adults got involved, the problem was resolved. That process took about 20 seconds. The administration commanded the insurance companies to cover the cost of birth control...much to the chagrin of the insurance companies and the Republican candidates. Once the Catholic Church expressed satisfaction with the change, the candidates were SOL. Deprived of this red meat issue almost as soon as it arose, the law firm of Santorum, Romney, Gingirch and Paul were forced to return to rail against an improving economy. Romney was so lost he attacked the bailout that saved the state he is trying to win. That's like trying to become president of Germany by attacking the Marshall Plan.

In any event the Republicans will nominate Romney in August and he will get trounced by the current President. When reflecting on these events it is helpful to remember the words of Confucius who said "When competing in a race, your chances of success increase dramatically when you don't shoot yourself in the foot with the starter's gun." Confucius should have signed on as a consultant with the RNC.

...or is the issue of abortion like the zombie that won't die?

Every time I write about this subject I feel the need to begin with a disclaimer. Why should today be any different? To wit:

No one applauds abortion. No one thinks abortions are good. Most of us would prefer it if abortions were never performed. It's a sad decision that combines terror, remorse and in some cases permanent guilt. I'm sure that somewhere, someone had an abortion because having a child would have been inconvenient or because they feared stretch marks, but those cases are so rare as to be inconsequential. For most women the decision is difficult and traumatic. It is also personal.

There should be no authority-state, federal or local that has any right to decide for a woman how she should treat her own body. No one but the person involved can dictate what her course of treatment should be. The Supreme Court ruled correctly in 1973. The state should never be allowed to interfere in a woman's medical decisions.

But just as the Religious Right has difficulty understanding the concept of personal rights, they also missed the class on settled law. Every time the Republican Party gains a majority in a state house they interpret the election as a mandate to rewrite Roe v Wade. Courts have consistently trashed these statutes but that hasn't kept the holy of holies from trying. Hey, why not? If you come from a red district, they'll love you for it.

Recently the legislators of the Commonwealth of Virginia passed a law that sinks to an all-time low in this never-ending conflict. According to this legislative horror, before a woman can obtain an abortion she is required to have an ultrasound image taken and be offered the opportunity to see the image. The medical professionals involved will be required to record whether the patient saw the ultrasound. It should be noted that only seven of the Senate's 40 members are women but I'm sure that played no part in the decision. State Senator Janet Howell attached an amendment to the ultrasound bill requiring men to receive a rectal exam and a stress test before receiving a prescription for erectile dysfunction meds. She only lost it by two votes.

Florynce Kennedy, founder of the Feminist Party in the 70's is famous for suggesting that "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament". Can anyone argue otherwise? Intellectually dishonest legislators from George W. Bush to Newt Gingrich have ridden this nag in elections all over America. (Actually GWB was so dishonest he never even stated his opposition to abortion for the record. He opted for individual state legislatures to decide.) The fastest way for a Rick Santorum or Michele Bachmann to corral a few loose Teabaggers is to stand four-square for a Constitutional ban on abortion. It's a safe stance because it will never go anywhere...sort of like Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann.

And , of course, the subjects of abortion and birth control bring us to the dust-up between the Susan B. Komen For the Cure Foundation and Planned Parenthood. The attempted defunding of PP by the Komen board was politically motivated, ill-conceived (sorry!) and should have been reversed. Komen was in trouble the minute they hired Karen Handel as head of Public Policy. Handel, a failed candidate for Governor of Georgia and queen of the Teabaggers was instrumental in persuading the Komen board to deny grants to Planned Parenthood on the grounds that they are under investigation. The fact that the "investigation" is a witch hunt originated by an anti-abortion conservative was apparently never considered. Thankfully, the decision has been reversed and Ms. Handel is unemployed.

The real tragedy here is the damage to the Susan B. Komen organization. Having raised more than two billion dollars and, maybe more importantly, the awareness to the dangers of breast cancer among women, the Komen charity is one of the most important voices in the country. They are certainly entitled to a mulligan here but, it can also be a teaching moment. Beware of high-profile candidates who want to use your organization for political ends or to further their own agenda. Your profile is high enough. You don't need celebrity board members.

And finally, what conversation about birth control and abortion would be complete without a mention of the latest case making its way through the court of public opinion; namely Obama vs. the Catholic Church. Frankly, it's a tangle.

The administration's new healthcare plan requires that businesses, including Catholic hospitals and universities, provide healthcare insurance that includes coverage for birth control, IUD's and morning after pills. These forms of birth control along with all other forms of birth control are forbidden by the Church. The Catholic Church therefore objected to a requirement to participate in the distribution of devices and medications that violate its laws. The Department of Health and Human Services countered that the institutions in question are primarily businesses and therefore must provide the same medical coverage as any other business including, birth control. Therein lies the conflict.

Surprisingly, although almost all American Catholics practice some form of birth control, it seems their sentiments are in support of the Church. The argument appears to be taking shape around the idea of religious freedom. That confuses me. Jehovah's Witnesses prohibit blood transfusions but cover the procedure for their employees. No one is asking the Catholic Church to hand out condoms or put Planned Parenthood on the parish speed-dial. They are merely being required to provide insurance coverage for medical practices with which they take issue. The HHS isn't forcing anyone to use the services.

Naturally, when you want to discover where the source of all the trouble lies, all roads lead to Rome. In 1968 Pope Paul VI had a wonderful opportunity to separate birth control pills, which were becoming very popular, from other forms of contraception. (Actually it would have been a grand time to package the entire outmoded prohibition on all forms of birth control and drown it in holy water. He demurred.) The Pope empaneled not one but two commissions to determine if the Church teaching needed updating. Paul VI was advised that perhaps a change was warranted. For whatever reason, the Pope said nope. Catholics must continue to have all the children God will give them. Clearly no one in Rome was willing to take into account the cost of gym shoes or a college education. (Note: the final encyclical, called Humanae Vitae, was heavily influenced by the writings of one Archbishop Karol Wojtyla, later to become that bastion of progressive thought, Pope John Paul II.)

This being an election year, the President can hardly antagonize a group as large as Catholicus Americana. (Wow! Latin does carry gravitas.) Some compromise will surface which will allow both sides to save face. Maybe the name "birth control pills" could be changed to "menstrual cycle regulators". Condoms could be sold to hunters at Eddie Bauer to keep the rain out of their rifle muzzle. Anyway, when the smoke clears we can all go back to wondering why Catholics in America would side with the Church about birth control which they use, and side with the President on abortion which they oppose. Thus, my children, is the role of sex in politics.

...or are Christian values not what they use to be?

The times they are a changin' in the Old South. Time was if a man cheated on his wife he was persona non grata in polite society. Decent folk would cross the street to avoid a conversation. No one would invite him to their homes. At church he would become an object lesson for a wrathful sermon. (No names of course.) These things were especially true in colonial southern states like Virginia, Georgia and especially South Carolina.

Well welcome to South Carolina 2012. The state that introduced America to the concept of secession has now decided that values don't matter. The Christians of the Palmetto State have determined that aborting a pregnancy is verbotten but aborting your marriage (or marriages) is perfectly fine. Changing your mind about healthcare is flip-flopping, changing your mind about your vows is a personal choice. Honestly?

Hey don't get me wrong, I don't care if Newt Gingrich sleeps with sheep (which in Arkansas might be a plus) but up until last Saturday it was suppose to matter to the good, God-fearing people of South Carolina. The folks who were talked out of John McCain in 2000 because Karl Rove told them that McCain had an illegitimate black child, have now endorsed the Georgia version of Silvio Berlusconi. What's up with that?

Well, to begin with there's the condom-thin support for Mitt Romney. Republicans might vote for him but only in a three-way race with Barack Obama and an upholstered ottoman. You can tell you are approaching a Romney rally by the sound of snoring. The Obama haters (and South Carolina has more than its share) might like Mitt but they don't like him a lot. He's a Northerner trying to be Southern...a rich guy trying to act middle class...a Mormon trying to act Christian. (Hey, I think Mormons are Christians but what do I know?) The Southern Obama-haters don't want conversations about policy and economics. They want Barack Obama hanged, drawn and quartered.

So just about the time that South Carolina is ready to sigh, shrug their collective shoulders and vote for Romney, Newt Gingrich challenges John King to a duel. During the CNN sponsored debate last week, King had the gall to confront Gingrich with the story everyone was talking about. Gingrich's ex-wife Marianne (#2 for those keeping score) had given an interview to ABC News revealing the sordid details of her marriage to Newt. Secure in the knowledge that the best defense is a good offense, Newt attacked Mr. King for beginning a presidential debate with such prurient stuff. Newt was betting that the crowd in the auditorium and the teabaggers in South Carolina hate the media more than they love the teachings of Christianity. Something like:

"How dare you remind these good people that I divorced not one wife but two wives while they were each battling serious illnesses. Only a scurrilous cad would discuss my affairs with: wife #2 while married to wife #1 and, wife #3 while married to wife #2. What sort of unprincipled bounder would mention that I have preached celibacy and family values for the entire time that I was waving my Jesus-loving Republican penis at any and every woman in this great country. You, sir are no gentleman."

The crowd went wild. Finally, someone who was willing to put those fact-checking, truth-telling, Obama-loving media liberals in their place. At last, a candidate who would prove that serial adultery could be a plus if only you yell loud enough. Don't confuse the issue with facts. The issue isn't that I'm a pig. The issue is that only a biased media would bring up my piggishness. Every redneck peckerwood who ever came home too late smelling of cheap perfume and attempted to lie his way out of trouble knew they had a champion. If Newt Gingrich could bluff and bluster his way around two ex-wives he could easily be the kind of vicious, rancorous, malicious campaigner the GOP needs in the fall. Remember the South doesn't want President Obama beaten they want him crushed, pulverized and sent back to Kenya in a envelope. Gingrich may not win in November but the Democrats will know they were in a fight. Hey, why take George Marshall when you can have George Patton?

...or should we not refer to the aniversary of Roe v. Wade as a seminal event?

January 22 marks the 39th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision known as Roe v. Wade. For those of you too young (or too old) to remember back to 1973, Jane Roe (real name Norma McCorvey) sued in federal court in Dallas to have the 1847 Texas anti-abortion law overturned as unconstitutional. Henry B. Wade was the Dallas County District Attorney. By the time the case was decided by the Supremes (by a vote of 7 to 2), McCorvey's daughter was two years old. The rest, as we say, is histrionics.

Beginning the next day and everyday since, the religious right, the Catholic Church and every politician wishing to curry favor with those two groups have been protesting. Some of those protests are merely annoying. Some are disgusting. A few are dangerous. Abortion clinics have been bombed, health care workers have been brutally assaulted and in July of 2009 Dr. George Tiller was murdered in a church in Wichita, KS; all in the name of protecting the unborn. Interestingly enough there have been no suicide bombings. I guess Christian crazies aren't as dedicated as their Muslim brothers.

So for the last 38 years Washington DC has been the host city for the March For Life. Everyone who thinks that they have the right to tell women what their morality should look like will descend on the Capital and chant. The fetus photo vendors will do a brisk business as well as the pig blood concessionaires. No doubt, the pro choice legion will also appear to express their support for what they consider settled law. But hey, this is America. If tens of thousands of young people can assemble on the National Mall to chuckle at Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert why not the anti-abortion crowd? After all, maybe a few protesters will hook up and create a few babies not to abort.

There is one question however, that has vexed this humble blogger ever since Justice Harry Blackmun issued the majority decision back in '73. With all the commotion coming from the Christian right, why no support for birth control? Alongside the placards of happy fetuses why no condoms with smiley faces? Next to people yelling "abortion is murder" why not a chorus of "Quasense makes good sense"? Really, a few people in the crowd dressed as Trojans will tell a stronger message than demonstrators in bloody lab coats.

And where are the pharmaceutical companies in all this? There would seem to be a natural symbiosis between those trying to uphold the rights of the unborn and those companies whose livelihoods depend on America's youth not being able to keep it in their pants. The battle cry of the anti-abortion crowd ought to be "take a pill, wear a raincoat...problem solved". Companies like Merck, Bayer and Barr Labs should have tents on the Mall explaining how birth control pills could close abortion clinics within a year. Church and Dwight, distributors of Trojans, America's #1 condom, could have latex-clad actors working the crowd handing out little packets of protection.

Dream on, my friends. No one in Jesus-land will ever acknowledge that the best way to stop abortions is to prevent unwanted pregnancies to begin with. And the best way prevent pregnancies is not, repeat not, abstinence or praying or locking your teenage daughters in a church until they marry. If you want to stop abortions, teach your kids about sex and explain how easy it is to prevent not-so-blessed events. Education and honesty doesn't promote promiscuity, it promotes responsibility. Give your daughters some credit. Demystify sex. Now that a good saying for a placard.

...or will chargers soon be available in bathroom stalls so people can read their i-phones?

Things that happened while the GOP candidates were traveling from New Hampshire to South Carolina:

Doing nothing for the stereotype

In Warsaw, Poland last week an Army Colonel tried to shoot himself in his office and missed. Col. Mikolaj Przybyl called reporters into his office to defend his work as a military prosecutor. Asking to be left alone for a moment the reporters heard a shot. Col.Przybyl was wounded (he didn't miss completely) but will recover. Well, he will recover his health. The same cannot be said for his dignity. The Polish Army has initiated a new intensive marksmanship program which will include an explanation of end of a pistol fires the projectile. As for the hospitalized colonel, the Polish government has asked that, in lieu of flowers, send vowels.

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Where are they now?

Well, we know what happened to Joe Hazelwood. The former captain of the Exxon Valdez has apparently landed a great gig training ships captains for Costa Crociere, owners of the Costa Concordia. In case you haven't seen the Costa Concordia, a birds eye view is available from the western shore of Italy. You can look right down the stacks. It appears that the captain, one Francesco Schettino, wanted a closer look at some beachfront property he was thinking of buying and strayed just a bit too close to shore.

The Italian crew of the damaged ship responded exactly as you would expect from barely trained minimum wage workers. Their scant knowledge of the lifeboats was just sufficient to allow them to jump in and escape. Most of the crew were in a hotel bar on the Tuscan island of Giglio before the passengers realized there was a problem. The captain, who is currently commanding a jail cell in Rome, maintains that he acted properly. Proper action unfortunately, did not include going down with his ship. He was futility directing evacuation efforts from a cafe in Athens. In retirement, Winston Churchill was asked why he preferred Italian cruise ships to the Brittish. He gave three reasons 1) the food, 2) the service, 3) " in time of an emergency there's none of this nonsense about women and children first".

It is impossible not to note that this tragedy happened just three months shy of the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic. In the intervening years we have made great strides in both ship safety and crew training. Chiefly, we have learned to sink our cruise ships closer to shore and in slightly warmer water. We have also improved crew training. When the Titanic went down, 693 crewmen went with her, 68% of the total. By 2012 not a single crewman was lost.

Full disclosure. One crewman was apparently lost. It was discovered on Thursday that a member of the ship's orchestra drowned when he attempted to retrieve his violin. Talk about selfless!

The moral of this story is, check the pedigree of the crew before you take a cruise. If they look like they got their training by watching episodes of Gilligan's Island, take a train.

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All Hat no Cattle

Rick Perry is out. Governor Perry was the gift that kept on giving and the loss of his Stetson in the ring will be missed. Nevertheless, like the pantheon of wannabees before him, Rick gave America a glimpse of what a candidate should and should not do if he (or she) wishes to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate:

1) If you're going to recommend elimination of specific government agencies and there are only three, you might want to either remember them or write them down. Jesus, Ron Paul can rattle off five and he's 77 years old. Perry wanted to eliminate the Education Dept but based on his debate performance he may wish to rethink that idea.

2) Stay on your meds. Seriously, some of Gov. Perry's speeches sounded as though they came straight out of One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest. There's a difference between "off the leash" and rabies.

3) Try not to dumb down the contest to the point where even teabaggers question your intelligence. Conservatives don't mind actually being stupid. They just don't want to appear stupid on TV...all the time.

4) Stop acting as though your home state were somehow a qualification; especially if you are from a place where men wear cowboy boots with a suit.

So hasta la vista Governor Perry. The music stopped and there was no chair for you. Thanks for playing. Here's a copy of the home game. Don't forget to tip your campaign manager. I'm sure the people of the great state of Texas will someday forgive you for reinforcing all the stereotypes we already had about them.

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Light at the End of the Tunnel

Just when you thought that your television had morphed into a festering cesspool of reality shows that proved the only people more depraved than the contestants were the audience, along comes Downton Abby. Currently in its second season, this Brit Lit production is garnering a large and loyal following both here and across the pond. It would appear that aspirational Americans like to imagine themselves as lords and ladies of the manner even if most of the audience should more properly identify with the laundresses and the footmen.

Although the series owes much to Upstairs Downstairs and even Remains of the Day, Downton Abby is original material. No Jane Austin, no Emily Bronte. Even Anthony Hopkins stayed away. Apparently the American fascination with the British upper class and their servants is more enduring than we thought.

Considering that the last time most Americans tuned into PBS was to watch reruns of Benny Hill, Downton Abby has at least reminded us that we have something called Public Television. Having been told by Fox News that PBS is a den of communist liberals, the public now knows that there are actually good shows over there beside Sesame Street. Anyway, Sesame Street is clearly a cauldron of liberal ideas; Bert and Ernie living together being only the most obvious. However, any programming that pulls people out of TMZ and Bridezilla has to be a force for good. So pip, pip and good show Downton Abby. Even without the Ministry of Silly Walks and the Dead Parrot, Britian still rules the waves...well, the airwaves anyway.

...or do the teabaggers look lost without a head for their tri-corn hats?

Jonney we hardly knew ya.

Jon Huntsman has withdrawn his hat (not a colonial one) from the ring of presidential aspirants. As such, he joins one of the two groups of hopefuls who began the quest to defeat Barack Obama back around Jan 21, 2009. Huntsman's campaign tracked a similar path to that of Mitch Daniels and Tim Paulenty, namely a rational moderate politician who held rational moderate Republican beliefs in contrast to the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Tragically, these poor mopes never had a chance. Their intelligent tone was doomed to be drowned out by the second group of presidential aspirants: the Bat-Shit Crazies aka, the BSC's. The candidacies of Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich guaranteed that no candidate with an IQ in two-digits would ever get a fair hearing. (Yes, Mitt Romney is a moderate but he has been running since 2007 and can barely garner 25% of the party. He's the cousin your mother made you take to the prom.)

Presumably South Carolina will sweep the remaining BSC candidates out of the race. That will give Mitt about ten months to drag the GOP back from BSC land. There are lots of things for Republicans to dislike about Barack Obama without: questioning his citizenship, demonizing his family or impugning his patriotism. Romney can be counted upon to keep the discourse close to the Marquess of Queensberry rules. Still, those of us who want our political leaders to at least look sane will miss Jon Huntsman.

Huntsman's unpardonable sin was his irrational rationality. Sleeping with the enemy can be forgiven but becoming the enemy's ambassador to China was beyond the pale. What kind of a Republican actually acknowledges that the other side might be right...about anything? If the hated Democrat in the White House alleges that the sky is blue (clearly another example of junk science) any conservative worth his salt must immediately offer a contrary opinion and insist that only a socialist, class warrior would say such a thing. Huntsman added a sort of anti-Fox News demeanor to the debate that conservatives found maddening. After all, who wants to hear Jon Huntsman's even-tempered response to a question when BSC quote machines like Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich are available? If the GOP wants vanilla, there's always Mitt.

Huntsman's weak-assed campaign should be a warning to future aspirants to the Republican throne. Intelligence is out. Reason is for losers. If you want to rise in the polls, bury your diploma, disavow any compromise with the enemy and dumb down your vocabulary (and for God's sake don't speak French or Mandarin.) Never put out a fire with water. Always use gasoline. Blaming your opponent is always the right answer, even if the question is "Could you please tell me the time?" Always look angry and, if possible, constipated (it seems to work for Newt.) Remember, dumb people vote. The way to get them to vote for you is never make them feel you're not one of them. Even if you don't get to be President, you can always run for Governor of Texas.