And the hits just keep on comin':
Item
George W. Bush, in a bold example of statesmanship, has braved the storm in a skiff by courageously signing legislation the prevents the mentally ill from purchasing guns. Bravo Mr. President! It's leadership like this that will ensure the legacy of George W. Bush. Henceforth our President will be mentioned along with giants like Millard Filmore and John Tyler.
The law was introduced in 2002 but, as usual, it took a piano falling on their heads before anyone in Washington did anything. The piano in this case was the deaths of 32 students and teachers at Virginia Tech in April last year. The slaughter at VT was so horrific that even the NRA was ashamed to oppose this bill.
This law adds the certifiably insane to the growing list of Americans who will be denied their Second Amendment rights. The list currently includes quadriplegics, fetuses and the dead.
In a related story, Dick Cheney is buying all the guns he can in advance of the law's effective date. With his record over the last seven years, you can't be too careful.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The little town of Reeves, LA is breathing a little easier this year. Thanks to the efforts of its mayor, the town will no longer be marked with the sign of the beast. For forty years the people of Reeves have been forced by Ma Bell and her progeny to live with the ignominy of the number 666 as their telephone exchange.
Mayor Scott Walker has stated that, "We are good Christian people. This has been a black eye for our town; a stigma." The mayor can now turn his attention to more important issues like removing the thirteens from all house numbers and banning the sale of deviled ham from local food stores. At least the phone company will no longer be blamed for lightning strikes and tornadoes.
Several requests have been submitted to claim the 666 exchange. Notable among the applicants are the University of Arizona, De Paul University in Chicago, Duke University and of course Wake Forrest. Certain neighborhoods in New York City are also in the running. Think Hell's Kitchen.
___________________________________________________________________
Item (this from roving reporter J. O'C)
Only in New York.
Two men were arrested in Manhattan Tuesday for attempting to cash the social security check of a dead person. No big deal, you say. Perhaps, but these two geniuses were wily. They knew that the clerk at the Pay-O-Matic check cashing establishment would recognize the check's owner by sight. No problem. Our heroes ingeniously strapped the recently departed Virgilio Cintron (it was his check) to an office chair and wheeled him through the streets to the store. The crafty pair left Mr. Cintron parked in the street and when the clerk inquired about Mr. Cintron, our villains simply pointed to the corpse slumped in the chair.
The plan was foiled by a policeman lunching at a restaurant next store. So much for the best laid plans. Both gentlemen have been charged with fraud because sadly, felony stupidity is not yet a crime. That law is probably on the President's desk hiding under the "No Guns for Crazy People" legislation.
Showing posts with label clipping service. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clipping service. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Thursday, November 15, 2007
...or is reading only The N.Y. Post warping your prospective?
Things that aren't making the national press: The winner of this year's "Yoko Ono Professional Widow Award" is Mariane Pearl. For those of you that missed the brief theatrical release of "A Mighty Heart", Ms. Pearl is the widow of slain Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl. Since her husband's tragic death in 2002 in Pakistan, Mariane has been very busy creating a minor industry from her husband's death. Her first book and the fawning star-vehicle film that followed, were all about Mariane. Danny Pearl was so absent he could have been played by Claude Rains. Along the way, she has filed a law suit (since dropped) for damages from the Habib Bank and two Saudi sheikh as well as applying for relief as a victim of 9/11. (Now that took courage!) Now we have a new book about twelve courageous women which, by extension, includes Mariane Pearl. Her latest effort is a book called In Search of Hope: The Global Diaries of Mariane Pearl. The book details Ms. Pearl's travels around the world, interviewing women of consequence. Item Santa Clauses in Sydney Australia (is it "Santa Clauses" or "Santas Clause"?) have been told to abandon their traditional greeting of "Ho, ho, ho" because of the possible offense to women. No, really...you can't make this stuff up. The American Obesity Society is considering a request to abolish the "gobble, gobble, gobble" sound made by people dressed as Thanksgiving turkeys. ________________________________________________________________________Item ItemAnd while we're being shocked, leave us consider the brothers Krongard. Howard "Cookie" Krongard and his brother Alvin "Chip" Krongard find themselves in the crosshairs of the House Oversight and Government Committee. (If there's a more glaring example of oxymoron in government I've yet to hear it.) Cookie is the State Department's Inspector General and, as such, is responsible for keeping an eye on contractors like Blackwater. (Who gives a job like that to a guy called Cookie?) He is testifying before the House committee because accusations have surfaced that he has been quashing probes into Blackwater's activities overseas. During his testimony he addressed the "ugly rumors" that his brother, former CIA officer Buzzy Krongard, was on the Blackwater advisory board. Midway through his testimony Cookie was forced to "revise" his statements. He had just learned that, in fact, Buzzy was on the Blackwater board. Mon Dieu! One suspects that the conversation at Krongard family gatherings is confined to the plight of the Redskins and who's going to play Mariane Pearl in her next movie. I love this town! ___________________________________________________________________ Item Barry Bonds was inducted yesterday into a not-so-exclusive hall of fame. The honorees include Martha Stewart, Scooter Libby, G. Gordon Liddy and many others who have learned at their peril, what happens when you fib to federal policemen. For those of you who get all of your news from Jay Leno and Jon Stewart, Bonds was indicted for denying that he used performance enhancing drugs. Apparently the feds can prove otherwise. The moral of the story is, just because your medication can inflate your head to a size that rivals Mt. Rushmore doesn't mean that your brain gets larger. Presumably the investigation will also uncover transgressions by Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire and others. The officials in Cooperstown are naturally relieved in that, they were unsure how the bust of these players would fit through the door. |
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
...does riding the express train cause you to miss the good stuff in the papers?
| News of the day... Item The legal community of Islamabad is leading the fight against the recent dictatorial inclinations of General Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan. (When your leader's first name is "General" what can you expect?) There are several interesting aspects to this event. Considering the lack of billable hours available to the protesters, it's amazing that so many lawyers could be mobilized so rapidly. Also, one cannot help but be impressed that all the protesters are wearing suits. It's disturbing to realize that Pakistanis can march into the teeth of armed policemen and soldiers dressed better than Americans attending a job interview. in a related story The tap dance that the Bush administration is performing regarding Marshall law in Pakistan would qualify for Dancing with the Stars. Americans abhor a crackdown on free expression. However, since we are a little short of friends in the region, it wouldn't do to criticize one of the few we have left. After all, George W. just finished a complicated tango with the Turks. That deal went like this: as compensation for calling their ancestors murderers, we have approved a Turkish attack on the Kurds who are causing trouble in the southeast of Turkey. |
The Kurds must be wondering what the Bush family has against them. After The Gulf War (the one that we won), Bush 41 encouraged the Kurds in northernIraq to rise up and overthrow the evil Saddam. When they tried, George H.W. allowed Saddam to fly his Army helicopters against the rebels. That one ended, Iraqi Strongman 1 - Kurds 0.
Now George the Lesser is green-lighting the Turks to hit the Kurds from the west. If Kurdistan ever becomes a country, the Bushes should be very wary of any invitation to visit.
________________________________________________________________________
Item
Under the heading "you really can't make this stuff up", Robert A. Singer was arrested at his Falls Church, VA home yesterday on charges of distributing child pornography. The arrest could jeopardize his job as (are you ready?) an executive at the National Children's Museum. This mope even used a computer registered to the Museum to send the pictures. Jesus. This is like learning that Michael Chertoff is secretly a card-carrying member of al Qaeda, or that Karl Rove is married to a man (not that there's anything wrong with that!).
_________________________________________________________________________
Item
Pope Benedict XVI played host to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia this week in an historic first meeting for the two leaders. The Pope and the King immediately remarked on the similarities of their circumstances:
Both men wear dresses. (The Pope inquired of the King, "Who are you wearing?")
Both leaders broach no deviation from the strict adherence to the fundamental tenents of their respective religions (although the Pope did draw the line at beheadings.)
And most important, both men are trying to lead their respective flocks back to the tenth centurty.
It was unreported as to whether the two men traded team jerseys.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
...is the news a little short of information?
This and that from the headlines:
Item
The Catholic Church has another of its middle managers off the reservation. Archbishop Raymond Leo Burke apparently didn't get the memo about love and forgiveness. As a one-man Inquisition (you can't Torquemada anything), Archbishop Burke has been in the news more than Anna Nicole Smith.
Since being installed as Archbishop of St. Louis, Most Reverend Burke has attempted to restore a measure of the temporal supremacy the RCC has not seen since the Reformation. He decreed that politicians supporting pro-choice should be denied Holy Communion. That was followed by the pronouncement that anyone who voted for such a candidate would likewise be denied the Eucharist. I suspect that the next bull (they call them that for a reason, you know!) would have condemned anyone that lived next door to a Democrat to perdition. However, Rome saw that the good archbishop was in fact, over-reaching. Archbishop Burke retracted his condemnation of voters shortly thereafter but I assume that his Most Reverend fingers were crossed.
He has spoken with disfavor of the Harry Potter books, calling them "irreligious". Considering that the inhabitants of Hogwarts wear flowing robes and change things by spells and incantations, one can only suppose that Most Rev.Burke is concerned about the competition.
Determined to leave no tern unstoned, he protested a Catholic hospital benefit concert featuring Sheryl Crow because of Ms. Crow's support of abortion rights and stem cell research. When the hospital board voted against him, he resigned as chairman. Talk about your spoil sports! Anyway, we wish Archbishop Burke well and joyfully anticipate the introduction of his new line of hair shirts and sterling silver cilices, sure to be a big hit at the Opus Dei Picnic and Swap Meet.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
In a fruitless effort to redirect my liberal soul to the path of conservative righteousness, a good friend of mine continuously bombards my email with links to sites that: a) support the war on Iraq, b) support George W. Bush and c) support all things Republican. Fat chance! Nevertheless, I occasionally click on one of these diatribes just to see how the other side lives and thinks.
However, something caught my eye yesterday that requires comment. A conservative blogger noted that back in 2004, the New York Times was printing daily stories about Abu Graib on the front page of the paper while relegating the presentation of the Medal of Honor to the "B" Section. On its face, that appears both biased and wrong-headed. Regardless of your political inclination, we understand that the Medal of Honor is a rare and prestigious award. Its presentation should be accompanied by respect and public acknowledgement.
Sadly though, at the rate with which this administration spins the news out of Iraq, it is difficult to know the truth of any information. We were told that Jessica Lynch was a courageous hero, raped and tortured by the godless enemy. Then Jessica came home and told us that she was anything but. She refused to accept praise that was undeserved. She went back to West Virginia where she resumed her former life. She has repeatedly criticized the Army for making up details for propaganda. Now that's heroism.
Then there's the saga of Pat Tilman, the Army ranger who quit pro football only to be killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan. The only truth we know thus far is that the Pentagon was so desperate to turn Tilman into the poster boy for American patriotism they barely investigated his death at all. His family is theatening legal action.
I'm sure that all of the heroes of this unnecessary conflict deserve the medals and decorations that have been awarded. However, when a government has shown itself to be as self serving and deceitful as this one, nothing can be taken at face value. It is not the bravery of our military that we question but the government spinners that provide the information. For them, even section "B" is too prominent.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The subject of illegal immigration refuses to go away. I continue to be saddened and surprised by the venom with which so many Americans view this issue. Yes, Latin immigrants, illegal and otherwise are poor and poor people commit crimes and go to jail. They work for subsistence wages and therefore need a little help. Call it "welfare" if it makes you feel superior. Are we so far from the Irish slums of lower New York that the smell no longer seems familiar? Are the "Irish need not apply" signs so far in our past that we no longer feel the sting and the shame?
This discussion isn't about misguided California school boards who want bilingual education in their schools (something that Spanish speakers don't want and didn't ask for). It's about third and fourth generation Americans with an unnatural fear of Latin influences on American culture.
Who are we...the French? What is it we're protecting? Regardless of immigrants from Mexico, Americans will still have the God-given right to mangle the language, eat at McDonald's, watch "America's Funniest Home Videos", and send mildly pornographic jokes to their friends during working hours. Viva America!
You say that you didn't invite them but whenever you hire a lawn service or admire the greens at your country club, you invited them. When you bitch about the cost of a head of lettuce or a pound of tomatoes, you invited them. When you express surprise at the $20 breakfast bill at the diner, you invited them. If you think the cost of gasoline is out of sight, wait 'til you have to pay Americans to cut grass and bus tables.
Most of the people who are here illegally risked their lives to come. Considering their numbers, they are invisible to most of us most of the time. It's true that your taxes are used to provide assistance to an illegal underground population, but it can't be any more painful than the billions that George W. Bush is using to fight his immoral, unnecessary war.
I don't have a single answer to this problem but I'm pretty sure that hate and fear won't make it any better. Let's just have a hot dog and a cerveza and keep talking about it.
Item
The Catholic Church has another of its middle managers off the reservation. Archbishop Raymond Leo Burke apparently didn't get the memo about love and forgiveness. As a one-man Inquisition (you can't Torquemada anything), Archbishop Burke has been in the news more than Anna Nicole Smith.
Since being installed as Archbishop of St. Louis, Most Reverend Burke has attempted to restore a measure of the temporal supremacy the RCC has not seen since the Reformation. He decreed that politicians supporting pro-choice should be denied Holy Communion. That was followed by the pronouncement that anyone who voted for such a candidate would likewise be denied the Eucharist. I suspect that the next bull (they call them that for a reason, you know!) would have condemned anyone that lived next door to a Democrat to perdition. However, Rome saw that the good archbishop was in fact, over-reaching. Archbishop Burke retracted his condemnation of voters shortly thereafter but I assume that his Most Reverend fingers were crossed.
He has spoken with disfavor of the Harry Potter books, calling them "irreligious". Considering that the inhabitants of Hogwarts wear flowing robes and change things by spells and incantations, one can only suppose that Most Rev.Burke is concerned about the competition.
Determined to leave no tern unstoned, he protested a Catholic hospital benefit concert featuring Sheryl Crow because of Ms. Crow's support of abortion rights and stem cell research. When the hospital board voted against him, he resigned as chairman. Talk about your spoil sports! Anyway, we wish Archbishop Burke well and joyfully anticipate the introduction of his new line of hair shirts and sterling silver cilices, sure to be a big hit at the Opus Dei Picnic and Swap Meet.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
In a fruitless effort to redirect my liberal soul to the path of conservative righteousness, a good friend of mine continuously bombards my email with links to sites that: a) support the war on Iraq, b) support George W. Bush and c) support all things Republican. Fat chance! Nevertheless, I occasionally click on one of these diatribes just to see how the other side lives and thinks.
However, something caught my eye yesterday that requires comment. A conservative blogger noted that back in 2004, the New York Times was printing daily stories about Abu Graib on the front page of the paper while relegating the presentation of the Medal of Honor to the "B" Section. On its face, that appears both biased and wrong-headed. Regardless of your political inclination, we understand that the Medal of Honor is a rare and prestigious award. Its presentation should be accompanied by respect and public acknowledgement.
Sadly though, at the rate with which this administration spins the news out of Iraq, it is difficult to know the truth of any information. We were told that Jessica Lynch was a courageous hero, raped and tortured by the godless enemy. Then Jessica came home and told us that she was anything but. She refused to accept praise that was undeserved. She went back to West Virginia where she resumed her former life. She has repeatedly criticized the Army for making up details for propaganda. Now that's heroism.
Then there's the saga of Pat Tilman, the Army ranger who quit pro football only to be killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan. The only truth we know thus far is that the Pentagon was so desperate to turn Tilman into the poster boy for American patriotism they barely investigated his death at all. His family is theatening legal action.
I'm sure that all of the heroes of this unnecessary conflict deserve the medals and decorations that have been awarded. However, when a government has shown itself to be as self serving and deceitful as this one, nothing can be taken at face value. It is not the bravery of our military that we question but the government spinners that provide the information. For them, even section "B" is too prominent.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The subject of illegal immigration refuses to go away. I continue to be saddened and surprised by the venom with which so many Americans view this issue. Yes, Latin immigrants, illegal and otherwise are poor and poor people commit crimes and go to jail. They work for subsistence wages and therefore need a little help. Call it "welfare" if it makes you feel superior. Are we so far from the Irish slums of lower New York that the smell no longer seems familiar? Are the "Irish need not apply" signs so far in our past that we no longer feel the sting and the shame?
This discussion isn't about misguided California school boards who want bilingual education in their schools (something that Spanish speakers don't want and didn't ask for). It's about third and fourth generation Americans with an unnatural fear of Latin influences on American culture.
Who are we...the French? What is it we're protecting? Regardless of immigrants from Mexico, Americans will still have the God-given right to mangle the language, eat at McDonald's, watch "America's Funniest Home Videos", and send mildly pornographic jokes to their friends during working hours. Viva America!
You say that you didn't invite them but whenever you hire a lawn service or admire the greens at your country club, you invited them. When you bitch about the cost of a head of lettuce or a pound of tomatoes, you invited them. When you express surprise at the $20 breakfast bill at the diner, you invited them. If you think the cost of gasoline is out of sight, wait 'til you have to pay Americans to cut grass and bus tables.
Most of the people who are here illegally risked their lives to come. Considering their numbers, they are invisible to most of us most of the time. It's true that your taxes are used to provide assistance to an illegal underground population, but it can't be any more painful than the billions that George W. Bush is using to fight his immoral, unnecessary war.
I don't have a single answer to this problem but I'm pretty sure that hate and fear won't make it any better. Let's just have a hot dog and a cerveza and keep talking about it.
Friday, May 18, 2007
...or is a news roundup always a good idea?
Blogging a dead horse
Item
Paul Wolfowitz, the man that orchestrated the symphony that is the Iraq War, has been forced out of the presidency of the World Bank. Thank you, Jesus!
Do any of us care about the World Bank or who runs it? Of course not. What we care about is that a Bush appointee, fresh from miring America in a war we can't win, has been tossed out of a job on the world stage. Why? For slipping his honey the money. Delicious!
The L'affaire Wolfie is a microcosm of the Bush Administration's entire approach to foreign policy. Simply stated it goes like this..."We are America. We are always right. We are a super power and you're not. We will tell you what's good for you. Europe is full of a bunch of socialist, pseudo-aristocrats with no convictions and no balls."
It will take years to fix this mess. I hope we don't need the Europeans for anything important any time soon.
By the way, let's see how long Paul W. can hold on to his squeeze now that he's no longer the paymaster at the World Bank. Hey Paul, think e-harmony. Just don't tell them that you look like your face is melting.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
And speaking of holding on, Alberto Gonzales is about to join Mr. Wolfowitz on the unemployment line. You may remember Alberto for his efforts to include water-boarding as a spectator sport in Abu Ghraib Olympics.
It seems that Alberto's primary role as Attorney General for the Bush Cartel was to rubber stamp the firing of US Attorneys who weren't dancing to Karl Rove's tune. The logic went...if you're not vigorously prosecuting Democrats you're a slacker. Off with your head!
Once again, does anyone except the fired US Attorneys' mothers, care who serves in the Justice Department? No. What we care about is that yet another of the Bush team that duped America into war is headed for the stocks.
As for the other "warriors" in the Bush Circle, it appears likely that most of the villains in this piece will be allowed to sneak away before a case can be made against them. Rove's erased emails will keep him from the jailhouse door for the moment. Until we pass a law making arrogance and gross incompetence in office a felony, Rumsfeld will also escape the justice he so richly deserves. Cheney may yet see a courtroom. Valerie Plame has filed a civil suit over her outing as a CIA operative. This is coming to be known as, "OJ Justice".
George W. Bush, legally incapable of forming the intent to commit a crime, will hopefully spend the next 19 months having his picture taken with Tony Blair. His punishment will be writ large in the history books.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
A group of statisticians has determined that black players in the NBA are more likely to be called for a foul than white players when the official is white. What?
Who do we think imagined that this tragedy of social injustice needed investigation? Do Latin players suffer at the hands of white umpires? Where are Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson when we really need them? (I take that back. We never really need them.)
White NBA players must have been delighted to learn that, should they ever actually get into a game, the zebras will be pulling for them. No wonder Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki have been league MVP's for the last three years. The guys in the striped shirts are helping them run downhill. I understand that the officials in the NFL are having a more difficult time helping white football players. Must be the helmets.
____________________________________________________________________
Ongoing Item
We are approaching four months and, wonder of wonders, Rev. Ted Haggard hasn't fallen off the gay wagon. It has been reported that most of his homosexual habits have been held at bay. He is no longer lobbying his local church to institute a "prayer brunch". He has discarded almost all of his spandex vestments. He has cancelled his subscription to Loins magazine. He still apparently listens to Streisand but only the soundtrack of Yentil.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The Commonwealth of Virginia is incensed that New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg is running sting operations in Virginia to prove how easy it is to buy a gun in Virginia in spite of state and federal rules. Virginia is blustering to hide its embarrassment over the fact that guns are easier to buy than a pack of cigarettes.
I have an idea. Every time a gun shop owner sells a handgun in violation of the law, the purchaser can shot the vendor in the foot. I'll bet sellers would be a lot more careful if there was a chance that they might be the beneficiary of their malfeasance. OK so I can dream, can't I?
Item
Paul Wolfowitz, the man that orchestrated the symphony that is the Iraq War, has been forced out of the presidency of the World Bank. Thank you, Jesus!
Do any of us care about the World Bank or who runs it? Of course not. What we care about is that a Bush appointee, fresh from miring America in a war we can't win, has been tossed out of a job on the world stage. Why? For slipping his honey the money. Delicious!
The L'affaire Wolfie is a microcosm of the Bush Administration's entire approach to foreign policy. Simply stated it goes like this..."We are America. We are always right. We are a super power and you're not. We will tell you what's good for you. Europe is full of a bunch of socialist, pseudo-aristocrats with no convictions and no balls."
It will take years to fix this mess. I hope we don't need the Europeans for anything important any time soon.
By the way, let's see how long Paul W. can hold on to his squeeze now that he's no longer the paymaster at the World Bank. Hey Paul, think e-harmony. Just don't tell them that you look like your face is melting.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
And speaking of holding on, Alberto Gonzales is about to join Mr. Wolfowitz on the unemployment line. You may remember Alberto for his efforts to include water-boarding as a spectator sport in Abu Ghraib Olympics.
It seems that Alberto's primary role as Attorney General for the Bush Cartel was to rubber stamp the firing of US Attorneys who weren't dancing to Karl Rove's tune. The logic went...if you're not vigorously prosecuting Democrats you're a slacker. Off with your head!
Once again, does anyone except the fired US Attorneys' mothers, care who serves in the Justice Department? No. What we care about is that yet another of the Bush team that duped America into war is headed for the stocks.
As for the other "warriors" in the Bush Circle, it appears likely that most of the villains in this piece will be allowed to sneak away before a case can be made against them. Rove's erased emails will keep him from the jailhouse door for the moment. Until we pass a law making arrogance and gross incompetence in office a felony, Rumsfeld will also escape the justice he so richly deserves. Cheney may yet see a courtroom. Valerie Plame has filed a civil suit over her outing as a CIA operative. This is coming to be known as, "OJ Justice".
George W. Bush, legally incapable of forming the intent to commit a crime, will hopefully spend the next 19 months having his picture taken with Tony Blair. His punishment will be writ large in the history books.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
A group of statisticians has determined that black players in the NBA are more likely to be called for a foul than white players when the official is white. What?
Who do we think imagined that this tragedy of social injustice needed investigation? Do Latin players suffer at the hands of white umpires? Where are Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson when we really need them? (I take that back. We never really need them.)
White NBA players must have been delighted to learn that, should they ever actually get into a game, the zebras will be pulling for them. No wonder Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki have been league MVP's for the last three years. The guys in the striped shirts are helping them run downhill. I understand that the officials in the NFL are having a more difficult time helping white football players. Must be the helmets.
____________________________________________________________________
Ongoing Item
We are approaching four months and, wonder of wonders, Rev. Ted Haggard hasn't fallen off the gay wagon. It has been reported that most of his homosexual habits have been held at bay. He is no longer lobbying his local church to institute a "prayer brunch". He has discarded almost all of his spandex vestments. He has cancelled his subscription to Loins magazine. He still apparently listens to Streisand but only the soundtrack of Yentil.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The Commonwealth of Virginia is incensed that New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg is running sting operations in Virginia to prove how easy it is to buy a gun in Virginia in spite of state and federal rules. Virginia is blustering to hide its embarrassment over the fact that guns are easier to buy than a pack of cigarettes.
I have an idea. Every time a gun shop owner sells a handgun in violation of the law, the purchaser can shot the vendor in the foot. I'll bet sellers would be a lot more careful if there was a chance that they might be the beneficiary of their malfeasance. OK so I can dream, can't I?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
...or did these stories slip past?
There are no slow news days, only slow bloggers.
Item
George Christian, executive director of the Library Connection, has denied the FBI access to library records in the Hartford, Conn. area. Well, hats off to George. Who would have guessed that one librarian in New England would have more balls that the entire 535 members of Congress (Nancy Pelosi notwithstanding).
The Patriot Act is the worst single piece of legislation since the Alien and Sedition Laws enacted under John Adams. The Bush administration used the attack on 9/11 to enact a draconian set of abridgments to American freedom and repeal is long overdue.
Mr. Christian was quoted as stating that freedom of speech is still alive and well in Connecticut. There is, however, still no talking in the library. Shhhhhhhhhhh!
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The Department of Defense has extended the tour of duty of soldiers serving in Iraq from twelve to fifteen months. If that doesn't sound like a big deal to you than you have never served in an overseas assignment in the military.
From the moment a soldier or Marine sets one boot down in-country, they start counting down the days until they arrive at what used to be called, the "big wake-up" to go home. Having only a few weeks before leaving was known as being "short" and it was the best feeling there was. To have your time in-country extended by three months is about as demoralizing as getting a "Dear John/Joan" letter (or maybe it's a "Dear John/Joan" e-mail now). Anyway it sucks big time and it's a lousy thing to do to the kids that volunteered for this disaster. Shame on Don Rumsfeld and George Bush for trying to fight this war on the cheap.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's estate has been narrowed down to one blond a-hole. It appears that Anna Nicole had more boobs in her life than the two double D's she was buried with. Call me old fashioned but should it really take the combined scientific resources of two continents to discover the identity of this child's father? Why not just advise all parties that there is absolutely no money involved then wait to see who doesn't head for the airport? He's the dad.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Ted Haggard is still straight after more than two months. Praise God and pass the Appletinis. Witnesses say that, during a prayer meeting in Madill, Oklahoma, Rev. Haggard jumped to his feet and ceremoniously burned his Judy Garland cd's and reduced his pink golf shirts to ashes. Unfortunately, repeated prayers have failed to miraculously heal the earring hole in his right ear. We're pulling for you Rev.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Because of the equal time rule in political campaigns, the producers of Law & Order might be required to shelve any episode featuring possible presidential candidate Fred Thompson as NY District Attorney Arthur Branch.
In a related story, the presidential candidacy of Rep. Dennis Kucinich is causing the Cartoon Network to consider suspending future episodes of Sponge Bob Squarepants.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
For you Fordham fans out there, attend the tale of Daniel Gross, third year law student at FU School of Law and a latter day Norma Rae. Gross is a former barista, that's a guy who earns beans for cooking up cups of coffee at Starbucks that cost more than the GNP of Brazil. (I thought that a barista was a South American lawyer.)
Anyway Daniel is trying to organize the employees of Starbucks to join the Starbucks Workers Union, an affiliate of the IWW. (Who knew they were still around?). This idea is about as popular with Starbucks as ten cent latte. In a Stepford-like response to inquiries, Starbucks claims to "respect" the right of "partners" (Starbucks-speak for employees) to organize. Of course they do. They also respect the rights of employees to get their union-joining asses over to Carabou and apply for a job there.
Companies like Starbucks can't exist without an army of part time, semi-skilled workers who get few benefits and have no rights. Unlike Circuit City, a company that unconscionably fired many of it's higher paid employees because they were highly paid (compared to a homeless person), Starbucks can't claim that competition is forcing them to cut costs. They make more on a cup of pretentious, cold coffee than a movie theater does on a large popcorn.
So man the barricades. Let's all line up behind Daniel Gross and his band of pseudo-socialists. Stand up America! You have nothing to lose but your decaf, double shot dulce de leche latte. No foam please.
Item
George Christian, executive director of the Library Connection, has denied the FBI access to library records in the Hartford, Conn. area. Well, hats off to George. Who would have guessed that one librarian in New England would have more balls that the entire 535 members of Congress (Nancy Pelosi notwithstanding).
The Patriot Act is the worst single piece of legislation since the Alien and Sedition Laws enacted under John Adams. The Bush administration used the attack on 9/11 to enact a draconian set of abridgments to American freedom and repeal is long overdue.
Mr. Christian was quoted as stating that freedom of speech is still alive and well in Connecticut. There is, however, still no talking in the library. Shhhhhhhhhhh!
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Item
The Department of Defense has extended the tour of duty of soldiers serving in Iraq from twelve to fifteen months. If that doesn't sound like a big deal to you than you have never served in an overseas assignment in the military.
From the moment a soldier or Marine sets one boot down in-country, they start counting down the days until they arrive at what used to be called, the "big wake-up" to go home. Having only a few weeks before leaving was known as being "short" and it was the best feeling there was. To have your time in-country extended by three months is about as demoralizing as getting a "Dear John/Joan" letter (or maybe it's a "Dear John/Joan" e-mail now). Anyway it sucks big time and it's a lousy thing to do to the kids that volunteered for this disaster. Shame on Don Rumsfeld and George Bush for trying to fight this war on the cheap.
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The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's estate has been narrowed down to one blond a-hole. It appears that Anna Nicole had more boobs in her life than the two double D's she was buried with. Call me old fashioned but should it really take the combined scientific resources of two continents to discover the identity of this child's father? Why not just advise all parties that there is absolutely no money involved then wait to see who doesn't head for the airport? He's the dad.
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Ted Haggard is still straight after more than two months. Praise God and pass the Appletinis. Witnesses say that, during a prayer meeting in Madill, Oklahoma, Rev. Haggard jumped to his feet and ceremoniously burned his Judy Garland cd's and reduced his pink golf shirts to ashes. Unfortunately, repeated prayers have failed to miraculously heal the earring hole in his right ear. We're pulling for you Rev.
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Item
Because of the equal time rule in political campaigns, the producers of Law & Order might be required to shelve any episode featuring possible presidential candidate Fred Thompson as NY District Attorney Arthur Branch.
In a related story, the presidential candidacy of Rep. Dennis Kucinich is causing the Cartoon Network to consider suspending future episodes of Sponge Bob Squarepants.
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Item
For you Fordham fans out there, attend the tale of Daniel Gross, third year law student at FU School of Law and a latter day Norma Rae. Gross is a former barista, that's a guy who earns beans for cooking up cups of coffee at Starbucks that cost more than the GNP of Brazil. (I thought that a barista was a South American lawyer.)
Anyway Daniel is trying to organize the employees of Starbucks to join the Starbucks Workers Union, an affiliate of the IWW. (Who knew they were still around?). This idea is about as popular with Starbucks as ten cent latte. In a Stepford-like response to inquiries, Starbucks claims to "respect" the right of "partners" (Starbucks-speak for employees) to organize. Of course they do. They also respect the rights of employees to get their union-joining asses over to Carabou and apply for a job there.
Companies like Starbucks can't exist without an army of part time, semi-skilled workers who get few benefits and have no rights. Unlike Circuit City, a company that unconscionably fired many of it's higher paid employees because they were highly paid (compared to a homeless person), Starbucks can't claim that competition is forcing them to cut costs. They make more on a cup of pretentious, cold coffee than a movie theater does on a large popcorn.
So man the barricades. Let's all line up behind Daniel Gross and his band of pseudo-socialists. Stand up America! You have nothing to lose but your decaf, double shot dulce de leche latte. No foam please.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
...or were we all sleeping when these stories hit the fan?
More news blah blah..
Item
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka The Mormons, are in a snit this week over the distribution of a tee-shirt that depicts the angel Moroni, mascot of the church, swilling a trumpet full of java. The shirts are distributed by a Utah coffee shop called "Just Add Coffee". The Mormons, traditionally cranky when their symbols are the subject of whimsy, claim that the angel is trademark-protected. Wow! Does the Catholic Church have a registration mark on the crucifix?
At any rate, the spoil-sport attitude of the CJCLDS will certainly have a chilling effect on the follow-up tee-shirts which were expected to feature illustrations of Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad sitting under a fig tree in Jerusalem sharing good talk and a frappacino.
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Item
Calvin Broadus, better known to you fans as Snoop Dogg, has been denied a visa to enter Britain for a series of concerts with P Ditty. The American rap star, who has spent more time in courts than the Bible, was arrested in a brawl at Heathrow Airport last year when several of his posse were denied admittance to the airport's first-class lounge. Go figure!
The Brits, who apparently feel that while they are stuck with Keith Richards and Paul McCartney, don't see the need to import substance abusers. Mr. Dogg is naturally shocked to learn that he is persona-non-grata in a country that freely permits George W. Bush to roam the countryside. Snoop is said to be contacting Willie Nelson for legal assistance.
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Item
Becoming Susan
Attend the tale of Steve Stanton, soon to be reborn as Susan Stanton. Steve had been employed as the well-regarded city manager of Largo, Florida. Sadly, the narrow-minded town fathers have taken issue with one of their favorite sons becoming one of their daughters. In a move that will certainly rock the transgender community, the city commissioners of Largo have sacked Mr./Ms. Stanton.
It is unclear at this time whether Steve/Susan will sue the City of Largo to retain his/her position. If he hasn't exhibited the necessary testicular fortitude for a fight to this point, it appears unlikely that the impending surgery will enhance that situation.
The planned "gender reassignment" (I love that term) was announced at a news conference last month. When the city manager of a town of 76,000 folks in central Florida calls a news conference, the last thing you expect to hear is that the guy is planning to have several of his body parts (and some pretty important ones) pitched into a dumpster behind a hospital in Geneva. (Do you even have to go to Switzerland any more?) Sounds like a lot of trouble to go
through just so you can hit from the red tees.
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Item
Russian police forces arrested hundreds of protesters in the town of Nizhny Novgorod in central Russia. The Kremlin never misses an opportunity to illustrate how democracy is thriving in the once repressive land of the czars. It seems that the demonstrators were protesting, among other things, the lack of free speech and free expression. The Russian police, regardless of who is in power, have always stood ready to beat the crap out of anyone who says that he is not a happy Russian citizen.
The Kremlin is quick to point out that they no longer condemn dissenters to the gulags. Instead, they are locked in a room and forced to watch Dancing with the Stars. Amnesty International has expressed shock at such inhumane treatment.
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Item
It helps if you hear a news story from the beginning. Halfway into a broadcast of today's news, I heard discussion of a delusional, charismatic leader who employed deception and mind control to subjugate his followers. This puppet master relied on isolation and brain washing to keep cult members away from more moderating influences. Ultimately, the followers were led to their destruction.
Naturally I assumed that the story was about the Bush White House. Imagine my shock when I learned that the broadcast concerned the tenth anniversary of the Heaven's Gate mass suicide in Rancho Mirage, Ca. Honest mistake. If you should happen to see any photos of Marshall Applewhite, the leader of the Heaven's Gate folks, pay close attention to his ears. Look like anyone you know? Perhaps another delusional leader?
Item
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka The Mormons, are in a snit this week over the distribution of a tee-shirt that depicts the angel Moroni, mascot of the church, swilling a trumpet full of java. The shirts are distributed by a Utah coffee shop called "Just Add Coffee". The Mormons, traditionally cranky when their symbols are the subject of whimsy, claim that the angel is trademark-protected. Wow! Does the Catholic Church have a registration mark on the crucifix?
At any rate, the spoil-sport attitude of the CJCLDS will certainly have a chilling effect on the follow-up tee-shirts which were expected to feature illustrations of Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad sitting under a fig tree in Jerusalem sharing good talk and a frappacino.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Calvin Broadus, better known to you fans as Snoop Dogg, has been denied a visa to enter Britain for a series of concerts with P Ditty. The American rap star, who has spent more time in courts than the Bible, was arrested in a brawl at Heathrow Airport last year when several of his posse were denied admittance to the airport's first-class lounge. Go figure!
The Brits, who apparently feel that while they are stuck with Keith Richards and Paul McCartney, don't see the need to import substance abusers. Mr. Dogg is naturally shocked to learn that he is persona-non-grata in a country that freely permits George W. Bush to roam the countryside. Snoop is said to be contacting Willie Nelson for legal assistance.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Becoming Susan
Attend the tale of Steve Stanton, soon to be reborn as Susan Stanton. Steve had been employed as the well-regarded city manager of Largo, Florida. Sadly, the narrow-minded town fathers have taken issue with one of their favorite sons becoming one of their daughters. In a move that will certainly rock the transgender community, the city commissioners of Largo have sacked Mr./Ms. Stanton.
It is unclear at this time whether Steve/Susan will sue the City of Largo to retain his/her position. If he hasn't exhibited the necessary testicular fortitude for a fight to this point, it appears unlikely that the impending surgery will enhance that situation.
The planned "gender reassignment" (I love that term) was announced at a news conference last month. When the city manager of a town of 76,000 folks in central Florida calls a news conference, the last thing you expect to hear is that the guy is planning to have several of his body parts (and some pretty important ones) pitched into a dumpster behind a hospital in Geneva. (Do you even have to go to Switzerland any more?) Sounds like a lot of trouble to go
through just so you can hit from the red tees.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Russian police forces arrested hundreds of protesters in the town of Nizhny Novgorod in central Russia. The Kremlin never misses an opportunity to illustrate how democracy is thriving in the once repressive land of the czars. It seems that the demonstrators were protesting, among other things, the lack of free speech and free expression. The Russian police, regardless of who is in power, have always stood ready to beat the crap out of anyone who says that he is not a happy Russian citizen.
The Kremlin is quick to point out that they no longer condemn dissenters to the gulags. Instead, they are locked in a room and forced to watch Dancing with the Stars. Amnesty International has expressed shock at such inhumane treatment.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
It helps if you hear a news story from the beginning. Halfway into a broadcast of today's news, I heard discussion of a delusional, charismatic leader who employed deception and mind control to subjugate his followers. This puppet master relied on isolation and brain washing to keep cult members away from more moderating influences. Ultimately, the followers were led to their destruction.
Naturally I assumed that the story was about the Bush White House. Imagine my shock when I learned that the broadcast concerned the tenth anniversary of the Heaven's Gate mass suicide in Rancho Mirage, Ca. Honest mistake. If you should happen to see any photos of Marshall Applewhite, the leader of the Heaven's Gate folks, pay close attention to his ears. Look like anyone you know? Perhaps another delusional leader?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
...or should we not pick Alberto Gonzales to reach the final four?
More news you won't use:
Item
Attorney General Alberto "I never read a Constitutional Amendment I couldn't violate" Gonzales is standing squarely in the cross hairs of the recent controversy surrounding the firing of eight US Attorneys in 2006. The original game plan back in 2005 from the "take no prisioners" crowd at the White House, was to fire all 93 US Attorneys. The author of this scorched earth approach to law enforcement was none other than Harriet Meirs, then White House Counsel. You may remember Ms. Meirs as the legal giant that Mr. Bush nominated to sit on the highest court in the land. (Actually, George's first choice was Chatsworth "Skip" Osbourne, the President's father's caddy at Kennebunkport Country Club. Sadly Skippy was busy finishing his sophomore year of high school.)
The word out of the AG's office is that the firings were just part of a housecleaning and based on "poor performance". The lawyers in question were apparently particularly poor at listening to Republican Senators and Congressmen who called to offer advise regarding whom to prosecute and whom to cut some slack.
Anyway, fear not, America. Considering Mr. Gonzales' stellar record on civil rights and civil liberties he should have no trouble landing a job at either the Karl Rove Ministry of Fear or as the Attorney General for the Peoples Republic of China.
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Item
Ted Haggard is still straight after six weeks. Praise the lord and pass the methamphetamine.
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Item
Speaking of Constitutional Amendments, the Supreme Court has chosen to hear the case of Morse v. Frederik. In case you haven't been following this most recent assault on the First Amendment, the facts are as follows:
Joseph Frederik, low level delinquent at the Juneau-Douglas High School in Juneau, Alaska was determined to make a statement (for what, he has no idea). Frederik had the idea of holding up a sign that said "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" as the Olympic torch passed his high school in 2002. The school principal, Deborah Morse, horrified that the Juneau school system would be seen on TV in such a disrespectful light, confiscated young Joe's sign. Mr. Frederik sued Ms. Morse for violating his right to free speech. The school board supported Ms. Morse and the game was on.
OK, I know that Joseph Frederik is an obnoxious snot and Alaska might be the best place for him. Still, this case is what we call in America "settled law". In Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District, the Court ruled 7-2 that "It can hardly be argued that either students or teachers shed their constitutional rights of freedom of speech or expression at the schoolhouse door." (See how much you can learn here at isitjustme).
However, Tinker was written in 1969 when the Court included William O. Douglas and Thurgood Marshall. One can only imagine what will happen when Clarence Thomas and Anton Scalia (the frik-n- frak of jurisprudence) get involved.
Naturally, the Bush Justice Department and all the school boards in America are solidly in favor of silencing any form of free speech. If they had their way, students would all wear ties and skirts (preferably not together) and sit all day with their hands folded. Teachers would rule absolutely and corporal punishment would be the order of the day. The anti-free speech forces have solicited the aid of none other than Ken Starr, the Johnnie Cochrane of the militant right.
Ken didn't have much luck chasing the Clintons but he hopes to do better this time. As always, the ACLU is in the opposing corner. Just the sight of an ACLU lawyer makes Justice Scalia run to the nearest Catholic Church and request an exorcism.
This one promises to be a real nail-bitter boys and girls, because no one knows how the newest Court members, Roberts and Alito, will swing. Should the forces of evil prevail and students are forbidden to express themselves, the fans at Duke basketball games, famous for their ribald banter, will be in jail faster than you can say, "original intent".
Item
Attorney General Alberto "I never read a Constitutional Amendment I couldn't violate" Gonzales is standing squarely in the cross hairs of the recent controversy surrounding the firing of eight US Attorneys in 2006. The original game plan back in 2005 from the "take no prisioners" crowd at the White House, was to fire all 93 US Attorneys. The author of this scorched earth approach to law enforcement was none other than Harriet Meirs, then White House Counsel. You may remember Ms. Meirs as the legal giant that Mr. Bush nominated to sit on the highest court in the land. (Actually, George's first choice was Chatsworth "Skip" Osbourne, the President's father's caddy at Kennebunkport Country Club. Sadly Skippy was busy finishing his sophomore year of high school.)
The word out of the AG's office is that the firings were just part of a housecleaning and based on "poor performance". The lawyers in question were apparently particularly poor at listening to Republican Senators and Congressmen who called to offer advise regarding whom to prosecute and whom to cut some slack.
Anyway, fear not, America. Considering Mr. Gonzales' stellar record on civil rights and civil liberties he should have no trouble landing a job at either the Karl Rove Ministry of Fear or as the Attorney General for the Peoples Republic of China.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Ted Haggard is still straight after six weeks. Praise the lord and pass the methamphetamine.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Speaking of Constitutional Amendments, the Supreme Court has chosen to hear the case of Morse v. Frederik. In case you haven't been following this most recent assault on the First Amendment, the facts are as follows:
Joseph Frederik, low level delinquent at the Juneau-Douglas High School in Juneau, Alaska was determined to make a statement (for what, he has no idea). Frederik had the idea of holding up a sign that said "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" as the Olympic torch passed his high school in 2002. The school principal, Deborah Morse, horrified that the Juneau school system would be seen on TV in such a disrespectful light, confiscated young Joe's sign. Mr. Frederik sued Ms. Morse for violating his right to free speech. The school board supported Ms. Morse and the game was on.
OK, I know that Joseph Frederik is an obnoxious snot and Alaska might be the best place for him. Still, this case is what we call in America "settled law". In Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District, the Court ruled 7-2 that "It can hardly be argued that either students or teachers shed their constitutional rights of freedom of speech or expression at the schoolhouse door." (See how much you can learn here at isitjustme).
However, Tinker was written in 1969 when the Court included William O. Douglas and Thurgood Marshall. One can only imagine what will happen when Clarence Thomas and Anton Scalia (the frik-n- frak of jurisprudence) get involved.
Naturally, the Bush Justice Department and all the school boards in America are solidly in favor of silencing any form of free speech. If they had their way, students would all wear ties and skirts (preferably not together) and sit all day with their hands folded. Teachers would rule absolutely and corporal punishment would be the order of the day. The anti-free speech forces have solicited the aid of none other than Ken Starr, the Johnnie Cochrane of the militant right.
Ken didn't have much luck chasing the Clintons but he hopes to do better this time. As always, the ACLU is in the opposing corner. Just the sight of an ACLU lawyer makes Justice Scalia run to the nearest Catholic Church and request an exorcism.
This one promises to be a real nail-bitter boys and girls, because no one knows how the newest Court members, Roberts and Alito, will swing. Should the forces of evil prevail and students are forbidden to express themselves, the fans at Duke basketball games, famous for their ribald banter, will be in jail faster than you can say, "original intent".
Thursday, February 15, 2007
...is the world moving too slow?
more news you can't use...
Item
The State of Kansas, glorious home of presidential hopeful Sam Brownback, is back in the news. The Kansas school board has issued its fifth scientific standard in the last eight years. This time, thanks to a bunch of Godless atheists, the board is accepting the "theory" of evolution as "well supported by research". Well, thank you Kansas.
The board has yet to amend the current scientific teaching that the earth is flat and that the sun revolves around it. In a vote of 6 to 4 last year the Kansas board was able to put to rest the moon/green cheese controversy.
Would anyone be surprised to learn that condemned criminals in Kansas have a choice in the method of their execution...stoning or burned at the stake?
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Item
As a public service to isitjustme readers, we have begun the Rev. Ted Haggard "Mo" watch.
It has been one week since graduating from the three week de-gaying academy and Rev. Haggard is still 100% heterosexual. We're pulling for you, Ted!
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Item
In a rare display of courage, President George W. Bush held a press conference last Wednesday. He was hopeful that the sheet of ice covering Washington, D.C. roads would hold the crowd down. No such luck.
The President fielded several questions regarding whether his administration was manufacturing evidence that Iran was providing weapons to Iraqi insurgents. Manufacturing evidence? Mon Dieu! Why would anyone think that the Bush administration would sink to attempting to hoodwink the American people? Maybe because it worked so well the last time.
The fact that a reporter would even suggest such a thing says volumes about the level of trust that the people have in this administration. The Bush White House has less legitimacy than Anna Nichole's baby.
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Item
In a head-shaking move this week, the Unites States Mint has released yet another one dollar coin, this one with a likeness of George Washington. Clearly the last 87 attempts at creating a coin to augment the paper currency were colossal failures simply because of the unfortunate choice of icons. Now that George Washington will adorn both the paper and coin version of the dollar, all confusion will immediately cease and people will stop using the coins for quarters and then getting pissed-off.
Note to the Mint; this is a bad idea. It was a bad idea when you used the likeness of Susan B. Anthony, Sacajawea and anyone else. This is the "metric system" of coinage. You could imprint a series of images called "Famous Breasts of the Movie Industry" and people still won't use them (although they might fondle them a bit).
If you want the American Euro, you will have to take the paper dollars out of circulation. You will also need to design a way that the coins can be folded lengthwise for gentleman's clubs.
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Item
Jessica Hall of Jacksonville, N.C. was convicted of maliciously throwing a McDonald's drink cup full of ice through the window of another car in a road rage incident. Ms. Hall has been sentenced to two years in prison. It seems that hurling a "missile" into another car is a felony in Virginia and two years is the minimum sentence.
Ms. Hall is the mother of three and, although what she did was dangerous and could have resulted in a serious accident, two years in prison is obscene. People routinely get probation for far more serious infractions. The other driver said that, if he had known of the severity of the sentence, he would never have filed the complaint. She has already been in custody for a month and that's enough.
This reactionary attitude is common in Virginia. At a time when many states (including neighboring Maryland) are contemplating abolishing the death penalty, Virginia is busily dreaming-up ways to lethally inject additional felons. Although Virginia is still #1 in overall executions, recent momentum has been swinging toward Texas.
Perhaps the Commonwealth could bump-up its numbers by offering to execute criminals from other states. A simple alteration in the state's motto should do the trick. "Virginia is for Execution-Lovers".
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Item
You can't make this stuff up.
Last November, Brig. Gen. Patrick Finnegan flew to Hollywood with three top military and FBI interrogation experts. Their mission was to meet with the producers of the hit TV show "24" and attempt to persuade them to cut back on the scenes (and there are many) of hero Jack Bauer torturing terrorist suspects. It seems that the show is setting a bad example for West Point cadets who are wondering why Jack Bauer can crack the occasional head and they can't.
So let's see if I get this. The best and brightest officers-to-be in our armed forces are having trouble separating fantasy from reality? And, this problem is so serious that a brigadier general needs to fly to LA to address the issue? Beam me up Scotty. There is no intelligent life on this planet. Hopefully the Middies at Annapolis aren't watching McHale's Navy.
One suspects that the writers of the Simpsons will be receiving a stern letter from the EPA regarding the way Homer handles nuclear fuel and the effect that it's having on power plant employees.
Earth to West Point...it's a TV show. It's not real. Fictional characters can do anything. Get a life!
Please tune your televisions to "Survivor". Good, now vote yourself off.
Item
The State of Kansas, glorious home of presidential hopeful Sam Brownback, is back in the news. The Kansas school board has issued its fifth scientific standard in the last eight years. This time, thanks to a bunch of Godless atheists, the board is accepting the "theory" of evolution as "well supported by research". Well, thank you Kansas.
The board has yet to amend the current scientific teaching that the earth is flat and that the sun revolves around it. In a vote of 6 to 4 last year the Kansas board was able to put to rest the moon/green cheese controversy.
Would anyone be surprised to learn that condemned criminals in Kansas have a choice in the method of their execution...stoning or burned at the stake?
____________________________________________________________________
Item
As a public service to isitjustme readers, we have begun the Rev. Ted Haggard "Mo" watch.
It has been one week since graduating from the three week de-gaying academy and Rev. Haggard is still 100% heterosexual. We're pulling for you, Ted!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a rare display of courage, President George W. Bush held a press conference last Wednesday. He was hopeful that the sheet of ice covering Washington, D.C. roads would hold the crowd down. No such luck.
The President fielded several questions regarding whether his administration was manufacturing evidence that Iran was providing weapons to Iraqi insurgents. Manufacturing evidence? Mon Dieu! Why would anyone think that the Bush administration would sink to attempting to hoodwink the American people? Maybe because it worked so well the last time.
The fact that a reporter would even suggest such a thing says volumes about the level of trust that the people have in this administration. The Bush White House has less legitimacy than Anna Nichole's baby.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a head-shaking move this week, the Unites States Mint has released yet another one dollar coin, this one with a likeness of George Washington. Clearly the last 87 attempts at creating a coin to augment the paper currency were colossal failures simply because of the unfortunate choice of icons. Now that George Washington will adorn both the paper and coin version of the dollar, all confusion will immediately cease and people will stop using the coins for quarters and then getting pissed-off.
Note to the Mint; this is a bad idea. It was a bad idea when you used the likeness of Susan B. Anthony, Sacajawea and anyone else. This is the "metric system" of coinage. You could imprint a series of images called "Famous Breasts of the Movie Industry" and people still won't use them (although they might fondle them a bit).
If you want the American Euro, you will have to take the paper dollars out of circulation. You will also need to design a way that the coins can be folded lengthwise for gentleman's clubs.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Jessica Hall of Jacksonville, N.C. was convicted of maliciously throwing a McDonald's drink cup full of ice through the window of another car in a road rage incident. Ms. Hall has been sentenced to two years in prison. It seems that hurling a "missile" into another car is a felony in Virginia and two years is the minimum sentence.
Ms. Hall is the mother of three and, although what she did was dangerous and could have resulted in a serious accident, two years in prison is obscene. People routinely get probation for far more serious infractions. The other driver said that, if he had known of the severity of the sentence, he would never have filed the complaint. She has already been in custody for a month and that's enough.
This reactionary attitude is common in Virginia. At a time when many states (including neighboring Maryland) are contemplating abolishing the death penalty, Virginia is busily dreaming-up ways to lethally inject additional felons. Although Virginia is still #1 in overall executions, recent momentum has been swinging toward Texas.
Perhaps the Commonwealth could bump-up its numbers by offering to execute criminals from other states. A simple alteration in the state's motto should do the trick. "Virginia is for Execution-Lovers".
____________________________________________________________________
Item
You can't make this stuff up.
Last November, Brig. Gen. Patrick Finnegan flew to Hollywood with three top military and FBI interrogation experts. Their mission was to meet with the producers of the hit TV show "24" and attempt to persuade them to cut back on the scenes (and there are many) of hero Jack Bauer torturing terrorist suspects. It seems that the show is setting a bad example for West Point cadets who are wondering why Jack Bauer can crack the occasional head and they can't.
So let's see if I get this. The best and brightest officers-to-be in our armed forces are having trouble separating fantasy from reality? And, this problem is so serious that a brigadier general needs to fly to LA to address the issue? Beam me up Scotty. There is no intelligent life on this planet. Hopefully the Middies at Annapolis aren't watching McHale's Navy.
One suspects that the writers of the Simpsons will be receiving a stern letter from the EPA regarding the way Homer handles nuclear fuel and the effect that it's having on power plant employees.
Earth to West Point...it's a TV show. It's not real. Fictional characters can do anything. Get a life!
Please tune your televisions to "Survivor". Good, now vote yourself off.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
...do we continue to miss the best news stories?
More news you can't use:
Item
A college student in Tampa, Florida was jailed for two days after reporting that she was raped. It seems that the local cops found an old warrant which was filed when the woman, then a teenager, failed to pay restitution for a theft. Ignoring her rape complaint, the police tossed her in jail.
While incarcerated, an employee of the jail refused to give the student the second dose of her morning-after contraceptive, siting religious convictions. It's rare when a person can become the victim of a rapist, a boneheaded police dept. and a over zealous Christian jailer all at once. Where's Johnnie Cochran when you really need him?
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Item
Prime Minister Tony Blair received another visit from the metropolitan police regarding the accusation that his administration sold knighthoods in return for campaign contributions. When the story broke, Donald Trump fired three aids for failing to inform him that he could have bought a peerage. Trump railed at his staff, "I could been a knight. Everybody would have had to called me Sir Donald or Lord Trump. I could have put my name all over everything. No wait! I do that now." Having been unable to buy his way to legitimacy, Trump is relegated to being called what he has always been called, America's most self-important asshole.
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Item
In a last desperate attempt to keep his administration from being compared favorably to that of Warren G. Harding, George W. Bush has allocated $130 million in the 2008 budget to alleviate traffic congestion. We may have suffered 25,000 killed or wounded in Iraq but those lucky enough to make it back will find traffic moving much better.
The Bush team is hard at work on the 2009 budget which will include: stiff penalties for supermarket managers who don't open additional registers when lines are long, fines for people who use the gym equipment for more than 30 minutes, financial rewards for good little children who eat their vegetables and a plan to save all of God's furry little creatures from whatever.
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Item
Has anyone noticed that President Bush no longer refers to American military involvement in Iraq as "The Coalition of the Willing" or "America and its Allies". Even the President has been forced to abandon the fig leaf that this is anything more than America's Invasion and America's War. The facts bear him out. U.S. dead now totals 3,099. That compares with: 133 Brits, 33 Italians, 18 Poles, etc. to a total of 254.
Most of America's "allies" in the conflict haven't committed enough manpower to fill a jeep. Fortunately, the President hasn't asked any other country to contribute troops to the "surge". He would look pretty silly congratulating Estonia or Moldavia for their committment.
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Item
"We have met the enemy and he is us." Pogo.
If anyone in the Middle East is looking for Jamal Jafaar Mohammad, convicted murderer in the bombing of the US and French embassies in Kuwait in 1983, look no further. Jamal is sitting right next to Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki in the American-backed government of Iraq where he was elected to the Council of Representatives in 2005. Pretty clever, eh? Mr. Mohammad's parliamentary immunity prevents him from being returned to Kuwait where he is under a sentence of death since 1984. He decided not to stick around for the trial. Democracy can be sooooo messy.
Perhaps we could persuade Mr. Mohammad to run for office in the United States where no such immunity exists.
American intelligence officials are now combing the class picture of the current ruling body in Iraq to see if perhaps Osama is "hiding" there as Secretary of Health and Human Services. You just never know.
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Item
Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arraigned on charges including attempted murder, attempted kidnapping, destruction of evidence and battery. It seems that Ms. Nowak drove all the way from Houston to Orlando to attack fellow NASA employee Captain Coleen Shipman in a dispute over the affections of shuttle Captain Bill Oefelein. You can't make this stuff up.
Ms. Nowak confronted Ms. Shipman in the parking garage of the Orlando Airport and maced her while Ms. Shipman sat in her car. I guess Captain Bill has the Right Stuff. (Wink, wink).
In case you were wondering what shuttle astronauts were doing during those long days and nights in space, they were joining the eight-mile-high club. "Hey Lisa, want to do it weightless?"
Considering the complete lack of interest expressed by the public regarding the space program maybe this is a good thing. At least NASA is on the front page of the papers again and without those unfortunate incendiary videos.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Rev. Ted Haggard is cured.
The Rev. Tim Ralph (that's his real name) of Larkspur, Colo. has told the Denver Post that, after three weeks of intense counseling, Ted Haggard is no longer homosexual. You may remember Rev. Ted as the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. He was outed around Christmas by a male prostitute who mentioned the Rev's proclivity for champagne and methamphetamine, oh, and young boys.
Exactly how Rev. Ralph was able to ascertain that Ted was free of the homosexual devil is difficult to say. Perhaps he diddled a nurse before leaving the treatment center and requested directions to the Gold Club. In any event, it's certainly encouraging to know that this degenerate will henceforth only be directing his perverse nature toward women.
Glory hallelujah!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In the Northern Italian city of Mantova, archeologists have discovered two skeletons locked in an eternal embrace. (Hopefully they are not of the same sex.)
Experts believe that the couple, buried more than 5,000 years ago, were able to stay together this long due to the fact that neither one could speak.
Item
A college student in Tampa, Florida was jailed for two days after reporting that she was raped. It seems that the local cops found an old warrant which was filed when the woman, then a teenager, failed to pay restitution for a theft. Ignoring her rape complaint, the police tossed her in jail.
While incarcerated, an employee of the jail refused to give the student the second dose of her morning-after contraceptive, siting religious convictions. It's rare when a person can become the victim of a rapist, a boneheaded police dept. and a over zealous Christian jailer all at once. Where's Johnnie Cochran when you really need him?
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Item
Prime Minister Tony Blair received another visit from the metropolitan police regarding the accusation that his administration sold knighthoods in return for campaign contributions. When the story broke, Donald Trump fired three aids for failing to inform him that he could have bought a peerage. Trump railed at his staff, "I could been a knight. Everybody would have had to called me Sir Donald or Lord Trump. I could have put my name all over everything. No wait! I do that now." Having been unable to buy his way to legitimacy, Trump is relegated to being called what he has always been called, America's most self-important asshole.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a last desperate attempt to keep his administration from being compared favorably to that of Warren G. Harding, George W. Bush has allocated $130 million in the 2008 budget to alleviate traffic congestion. We may have suffered 25,000 killed or wounded in Iraq but those lucky enough to make it back will find traffic moving much better.
The Bush team is hard at work on the 2009 budget which will include: stiff penalties for supermarket managers who don't open additional registers when lines are long, fines for people who use the gym equipment for more than 30 minutes, financial rewards for good little children who eat their vegetables and a plan to save all of God's furry little creatures from whatever.
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Item
Has anyone noticed that President Bush no longer refers to American military involvement in Iraq as "The Coalition of the Willing" or "America and its Allies". Even the President has been forced to abandon the fig leaf that this is anything more than America's Invasion and America's War. The facts bear him out. U.S. dead now totals 3,099. That compares with: 133 Brits, 33 Italians, 18 Poles, etc. to a total of 254.
Most of America's "allies" in the conflict haven't committed enough manpower to fill a jeep. Fortunately, the President hasn't asked any other country to contribute troops to the "surge". He would look pretty silly congratulating Estonia or Moldavia for their committment.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
"We have met the enemy and he is us." Pogo.
If anyone in the Middle East is looking for Jamal Jafaar Mohammad, convicted murderer in the bombing of the US and French embassies in Kuwait in 1983, look no further. Jamal is sitting right next to Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki in the American-backed government of Iraq where he was elected to the Council of Representatives in 2005. Pretty clever, eh? Mr. Mohammad's parliamentary immunity prevents him from being returned to Kuwait where he is under a sentence of death since 1984. He decided not to stick around for the trial. Democracy can be sooooo messy.
Perhaps we could persuade Mr. Mohammad to run for office in the United States where no such immunity exists.
American intelligence officials are now combing the class picture of the current ruling body in Iraq to see if perhaps Osama is "hiding" there as Secretary of Health and Human Services. You just never know.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arraigned on charges including attempted murder, attempted kidnapping, destruction of evidence and battery. It seems that Ms. Nowak drove all the way from Houston to Orlando to attack fellow NASA employee Captain Coleen Shipman in a dispute over the affections of shuttle Captain Bill Oefelein. You can't make this stuff up.
Ms. Nowak confronted Ms. Shipman in the parking garage of the Orlando Airport and maced her while Ms. Shipman sat in her car. I guess Captain Bill has the Right Stuff. (Wink, wink).
In case you were wondering what shuttle astronauts were doing during those long days and nights in space, they were joining the eight-mile-high club. "Hey Lisa, want to do it weightless?"
Considering the complete lack of interest expressed by the public regarding the space program maybe this is a good thing. At least NASA is on the front page of the papers again and without those unfortunate incendiary videos.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Rev. Ted Haggard is cured.
The Rev. Tim Ralph (that's his real name) of Larkspur, Colo. has told the Denver Post that, after three weeks of intense counseling, Ted Haggard is no longer homosexual. You may remember Rev. Ted as the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. He was outed around Christmas by a male prostitute who mentioned the Rev's proclivity for champagne and methamphetamine, oh, and young boys.
Exactly how Rev. Ralph was able to ascertain that Ted was free of the homosexual devil is difficult to say. Perhaps he diddled a nurse before leaving the treatment center and requested directions to the Gold Club. In any event, it's certainly encouraging to know that this degenerate will henceforth only be directing his perverse nature toward women.
Glory hallelujah!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In the Northern Italian city of Mantova, archeologists have discovered two skeletons locked in an eternal embrace. (Hopefully they are not of the same sex.)
Experts believe that the couple, buried more than 5,000 years ago, were able to stay together this long due to the fact that neither one could speak.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
did you miss some of these hot items?
More news you can't use:
Item
The United States has allocated millions of dollars in additional funds to improve the road system in Afghanistan.
This announcement has come as welcome news to several factions in this is beleaguered country. A spokesman for Mullah Omar, leader of the Taliban stated, "It's about time. Americans have no idea how difficult it has been to move men and munitions over the goat trails and cart paths of the Kabul suburbs." With the promise of new roads there is every reason to believe that the Taliban will be ready to reestablish control of Afghanistan once America withdraws its forces.
A spokesperson for the US Air Force was quoted as expressing relief that American fighter planes will now have some new targets to attack. "Shooting at rubble is boring" said one pilot. "At least a road presents a viable objective."
The Army Corp of Engineers has assured the citizens of the region that the roads will be completed in plenty of time to transport the opium crop to market in 2009.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
A contest is being held to name the new seven wonders of the world.
An organization called the "New 7 Wonders of the World" is inviting people from around the globe to vote on which "wonders" should make the list. The head of the Egyptian Supreme Council of Antiquities is appalled that the Pyramids of Giza should have to stand for a vote in order to make the grade. There are 21 "wonders" on the ballot including the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower. Those of you expecting to vote for Dolly Parton's breasts will be sorely disappointed. Contest officials decided to eliminate Ms. Parton's gravity-defying attributes over a dispute as to whether to consider them one wonder or two.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Prince Charles of England and his wife the Duchess of Cornwall are on a whirlwind tour of the Northeastern United States which includes a trip to New York. Seeing the royal couple emerge from the Arch Street Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, it's easy to see why Charles preferred Camilla to Diana. Beauty will out. If there is any doubt as to why Queen Elizabeth isn't willing to let her son become king, I suspect that she is wary of other choices he might make.
Seeing Americans standing out in the cold waiting for an opportunity to glimpse the royal couple causes one to wonder why anyone would stand out in the cold waiting for an opportunity to glimpse the royal couple. Get a life, please.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The federal government has only provided $145 million for the recovery of New Orleans.
As the cost of the War in Iraq approaches $400 billion, Mayor Ray Nagin appeared before Congress to complain that, thus far, the government has only authorized $110 billion in aid for New Orleans and, of that, only a fraction of the cash has materialized. Keep in mind that the government sent $118 million immediately to rebuild the Superdome. Well, all those white, season-ticket holders needed someplace to drink on Sundays didn't they?
I suggest that Mayor Nagin threaten the government with the possibility that New Orleans is harboring WMD's or nuclear weapons. The city will certainly see more troops than they ever did when the storm hit. Mayor Nagin may be deposed and executed but at least Halliburton would be sent in to spend (or squander) the billions needed for reconstruction.
_____________________________________________________________________
Item
Two fraternity brothers in Florida were found guilty of paddling a pledge during a hazing ritual and sentenced to two years in prison. The students were tried twice before a guilty verdict was returned. Injuries aside, is there really so little crime to pursue in Florida that the DA in Tallahassee can afford two trials for one beating? Oh, by the way, three other frat brothers (who are all brothers) will be tried a third time in March. Paging Mike Nifong.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
President George W. Bush asserts that the missing "-ic" in his State of the Union speech was nothing more than an oversight. Early in the address the President congratulated the "Democrat Majority" for its November electoral victory. Some saw this as a slight to the Democrats.
While he was correcting omissions, Mr. Bush said that, regarding the war in Iraq, he inadvertently left the "un" off of the word "winnable" and the "ill" off of "conceived".
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The French have banned smoking in all public buildings, hospitals and schools as part of a two-stage program that will include restaurants and cafes by 2008. Wow! If you thought the French were cranky and hard to deal with before, can you imagine what they will be like now. A word to Germany...I wouldn't try another invasion for a while.
Item
The United States has allocated millions of dollars in additional funds to improve the road system in Afghanistan.
This announcement has come as welcome news to several factions in this is beleaguered country. A spokesman for Mullah Omar, leader of the Taliban stated, "It's about time. Americans have no idea how difficult it has been to move men and munitions over the goat trails and cart paths of the Kabul suburbs." With the promise of new roads there is every reason to believe that the Taliban will be ready to reestablish control of Afghanistan once America withdraws its forces.
A spokesperson for the US Air Force was quoted as expressing relief that American fighter planes will now have some new targets to attack. "Shooting at rubble is boring" said one pilot. "At least a road presents a viable objective."
The Army Corp of Engineers has assured the citizens of the region that the roads will be completed in plenty of time to transport the opium crop to market in 2009.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
A contest is being held to name the new seven wonders of the world.
An organization called the "New 7 Wonders of the World" is inviting people from around the globe to vote on which "wonders" should make the list. The head of the Egyptian Supreme Council of Antiquities is appalled that the Pyramids of Giza should have to stand for a vote in order to make the grade. There are 21 "wonders" on the ballot including the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower. Those of you expecting to vote for Dolly Parton's breasts will be sorely disappointed. Contest officials decided to eliminate Ms. Parton's gravity-defying attributes over a dispute as to whether to consider them one wonder or two.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Prince Charles of England and his wife the Duchess of Cornwall are on a whirlwind tour of the Northeastern United States which includes a trip to New York. Seeing the royal couple emerge from the Arch Street Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, it's easy to see why Charles preferred Camilla to Diana. Beauty will out. If there is any doubt as to why Queen Elizabeth isn't willing to let her son become king, I suspect that she is wary of other choices he might make.
Seeing Americans standing out in the cold waiting for an opportunity to glimpse the royal couple causes one to wonder why anyone would stand out in the cold waiting for an opportunity to glimpse the royal couple. Get a life, please.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The federal government has only provided $145 million for the recovery of New Orleans.
As the cost of the War in Iraq approaches $400 billion, Mayor Ray Nagin appeared before Congress to complain that, thus far, the government has only authorized $110 billion in aid for New Orleans and, of that, only a fraction of the cash has materialized. Keep in mind that the government sent $118 million immediately to rebuild the Superdome. Well, all those white, season-ticket holders needed someplace to drink on Sundays didn't they?
I suggest that Mayor Nagin threaten the government with the possibility that New Orleans is harboring WMD's or nuclear weapons. The city will certainly see more troops than they ever did when the storm hit. Mayor Nagin may be deposed and executed but at least Halliburton would be sent in to spend (or squander) the billions needed for reconstruction.
_____________________________________________________________________
Item
Two fraternity brothers in Florida were found guilty of paddling a pledge during a hazing ritual and sentenced to two years in prison. The students were tried twice before a guilty verdict was returned. Injuries aside, is there really so little crime to pursue in Florida that the DA in Tallahassee can afford two trials for one beating? Oh, by the way, three other frat brothers (who are all brothers) will be tried a third time in March. Paging Mike Nifong.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
President George W. Bush asserts that the missing "-ic" in his State of the Union speech was nothing more than an oversight. Early in the address the President congratulated the "Democrat Majority" for its November electoral victory. Some saw this as a slight to the Democrats.
While he was correcting omissions, Mr. Bush said that, regarding the war in Iraq, he inadvertently left the "un" off of the word "winnable" and the "ill" off of "conceived".
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The French have banned smoking in all public buildings, hospitals and schools as part of a two-stage program that will include restaurants and cafes by 2008. Wow! If you thought the French were cranky and hard to deal with before, can you imagine what they will be like now. A word to Germany...I wouldn't try another invasion for a while.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
...or are there still stories getting past us?
News and Views:
Item
Fresh from his brilliant victories in Afghanastan and Iraq, George W. Bush has sent American AC-130 attack helicopters into Somalia. Having successfully rid the Middle East of the terrorist threat, this attack was intended to destroy the few scattered al-Qaida bases in East Africa.
This assault is the first in the President's new global initiative to combat terrorism. Code-named "Attack Any Nation That Can't Possibly Respond" Mr. Bush said that countries such as Togo, Nauru, Benin and Tuvalu had better not be discovered hiding terrorists. Al-Qaida officials, currently attending their annual meeting at the Frankfurt Convention Center, were unavailable for comment.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The Vatican has accepted the resignation of Bishop Stanislaw Wielgus, Archbishop of Warsaw, who is accused of collaborating with the Polish secret police during the bad old days of Soviet domination. Thusfar, the only details are from the Archbishop himself. He stated that, in order to obtain permission to travel abroad, he was required to observe and report back to the Polish police anything he heard or saw. Archbishop Wielgus said that he never told them anything.
Is the Catholic Church so flush with qualified candidates for important bishoprics that it can afford to cashier someone for not informing? Didn't the American CIA request that journalists in communist countries do the same thing back in the '50's? Either there's more to this story that the CC doesn't want out, or Archbishop Wielgus is being punished for a thirty year old transgression.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
This week is the Detroit Auto Show and I have a question. Every year American car companies make a big deal of showing us their "concept cars". So why is it that, year after year, showrooms are loaded with the same old boring, unreliable, gas guzzlers? It's not your father's Oldsmobile. It's your grandfather's Oldsmobile. Hey! Mr. Ford, I have a concept for you. How's about you actually build and sell one of those concept cars. What could it hurt? Nobody's buying the stuff you're making now!
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Tony Guinn and Cal Ripkin have been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. In a related story, Mark McGuire, famed home run hitter of the 90's, was denied induction amid alligations of steroid use. A spokesperson for the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY said that the directors of the facility were grateful that Mr. McGuire's induction would be delayed in that the Steriod Wing of the building is not yet complete.
Designed to house the busts of Mr. Mcguire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Raphal Palmeiro the new space is equipped with a four-story ceiling and double-wide doors. Fun house-type mirrors will be available so that kids can see what they will look like when they begin to use the "Bobby Bonds Vitamin Supplements" available in the gift shop. A copy of Jose Conseco's book, "Juiced" will be available for all visitors.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Tony Snow, White House Press Secretary, was hard at work yesterday trying to make some sort of lemonade out of the lemons served up by the administration. Watching Mr. Snow present coherent, well-articulated reasons as to why the current administration acts as it does, a light went on. Why don't we make Tony Snow the President? At least Secretary of Defense?
Hear me out. He seems to have a better grasp on what George is doing than George does. He's certainly more capable of explaining it. He uses multisyllabic words and he never screws them up. He's better looking and has way better hair.
Actually, if Tony took over today and they locked George in a foot locker in an "undisclosed location", no one would know 'til next Christmas when he didn't show up to light the tree.
Just a thought!
Item
Fresh from his brilliant victories in Afghanastan and Iraq, George W. Bush has sent American AC-130 attack helicopters into Somalia. Having successfully rid the Middle East of the terrorist threat, this attack was intended to destroy the few scattered al-Qaida bases in East Africa.
This assault is the first in the President's new global initiative to combat terrorism. Code-named "Attack Any Nation That Can't Possibly Respond" Mr. Bush said that countries such as Togo, Nauru, Benin and Tuvalu had better not be discovered hiding terrorists. Al-Qaida officials, currently attending their annual meeting at the Frankfurt Convention Center, were unavailable for comment.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The Vatican has accepted the resignation of Bishop Stanislaw Wielgus, Archbishop of Warsaw, who is accused of collaborating with the Polish secret police during the bad old days of Soviet domination. Thusfar, the only details are from the Archbishop himself. He stated that, in order to obtain permission to travel abroad, he was required to observe and report back to the Polish police anything he heard or saw. Archbishop Wielgus said that he never told them anything.
Is the Catholic Church so flush with qualified candidates for important bishoprics that it can afford to cashier someone for not informing? Didn't the American CIA request that journalists in communist countries do the same thing back in the '50's? Either there's more to this story that the CC doesn't want out, or Archbishop Wielgus is being punished for a thirty year old transgression.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
This week is the Detroit Auto Show and I have a question. Every year American car companies make a big deal of showing us their "concept cars". So why is it that, year after year, showrooms are loaded with the same old boring, unreliable, gas guzzlers? It's not your father's Oldsmobile. It's your grandfather's Oldsmobile. Hey! Mr. Ford, I have a concept for you. How's about you actually build and sell one of those concept cars. What could it hurt? Nobody's buying the stuff you're making now!
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Tony Guinn and Cal Ripkin have been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. In a related story, Mark McGuire, famed home run hitter of the 90's, was denied induction amid alligations of steroid use. A spokesperson for the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY said that the directors of the facility were grateful that Mr. McGuire's induction would be delayed in that the Steriod Wing of the building is not yet complete.
Designed to house the busts of Mr. Mcguire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Raphal Palmeiro the new space is equipped with a four-story ceiling and double-wide doors. Fun house-type mirrors will be available so that kids can see what they will look like when they begin to use the "Bobby Bonds Vitamin Supplements" available in the gift shop. A copy of Jose Conseco's book, "Juiced" will be available for all visitors.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Tony Snow, White House Press Secretary, was hard at work yesterday trying to make some sort of lemonade out of the lemons served up by the administration. Watching Mr. Snow present coherent, well-articulated reasons as to why the current administration acts as it does, a light went on. Why don't we make Tony Snow the President? At least Secretary of Defense?
Hear me out. He seems to have a better grasp on what George is doing than George does. He's certainly more capable of explaining it. He uses multisyllabic words and he never screws them up. He's better looking and has way better hair.
Actually, if Tony took over today and they locked George in a foot locker in an "undisclosed location", no one would know 'til next Christmas when he didn't show up to light the tree.
Just a thought!
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
...is the world getting stranger?
More news you can't use:
Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shalikashvili (a man whose name is longer than his length of service) has announced that he has "changed his mind" regarding homosexuals serving openly in the military. The retired general further announced that his decision was in no way altered by his impending marriage to Marine Lt. Col. Waldo "Butch" Emerson. The two hope to wed in Massachusetts within the year.
___________________________________________________________________
Five employees of a baggage-handling contractor have been charged with the theft of 158 pieces of luggage at Houston's George H.W. Bush International Airport. The thieves were allowed to retain their jobs, however, because in spite of the theft, they still lost fewer bags than the average baggage employee.
___________________________________________________________________
Always good for a laugh, Pat "Nostradamus" Robertson advised his listeners that, in a personal revelation from God, there will be a terrorist attack in the U.S. in 2007 that will result in mass killing. And I thought that XM Satellite had some strange stations.
Remember it was Pat that reminded us that: God steered hurricanes away from his Virginia Beach Broadcast Center...Feminists, lesbians, gays and the American Civil Liberties Union caused Sept. 11 to happen... and, the U.S. should assassinate Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. Why God would talk to this mope is anyone's guess. Check your bridgework, Pat. There's a chance you are picking up Howard Stern with your molars. If you ever do hear from the Almighty, expect comments like "Shut up" or "Please return all the money you have collected pretending to be My voice on earth."
I guess there is balance in the universe. Black people have Al Sharpton, white people have Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.
___________________________________________________________________
There is an old admonition that goes, "you could screw up a two-car funeral". To that we now add,"you could screw up a one-man hanging." The Iraqi government showed the world that, much like the current American administration, they are great on planning but shaky on execution. Considering the botched job the Iraqis made of the state-sponsored death of Saddam Hussein, it's a wonder the man is dead. All things considered, the security was pretty good. It took a whole day for the entire thing to make it to YouTube. Let's hope Bin Laden isn't captured in Takrit.
Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shalikashvili (a man whose name is longer than his length of service) has announced that he has "changed his mind" regarding homosexuals serving openly in the military. The retired general further announced that his decision was in no way altered by his impending marriage to Marine Lt. Col. Waldo "Butch" Emerson. The two hope to wed in Massachusetts within the year.
___________________________________________________________________
Five employees of a baggage-handling contractor have been charged with the theft of 158 pieces of luggage at Houston's George H.W. Bush International Airport. The thieves were allowed to retain their jobs, however, because in spite of the theft, they still lost fewer bags than the average baggage employee.
___________________________________________________________________
Always good for a laugh, Pat "Nostradamus" Robertson advised his listeners that, in a personal revelation from God, there will be a terrorist attack in the U.S. in 2007 that will result in mass killing. And I thought that XM Satellite had some strange stations.
Remember it was Pat that reminded us that: God steered hurricanes away from his Virginia Beach Broadcast Center...Feminists, lesbians, gays and the American Civil Liberties Union caused Sept. 11 to happen... and, the U.S. should assassinate Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. Why God would talk to this mope is anyone's guess. Check your bridgework, Pat. There's a chance you are picking up Howard Stern with your molars. If you ever do hear from the Almighty, expect comments like "Shut up" or "Please return all the money you have collected pretending to be My voice on earth."
I guess there is balance in the universe. Black people have Al Sharpton, white people have Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.
___________________________________________________________________
There is an old admonition that goes, "you could screw up a two-car funeral". To that we now add,"you could screw up a one-man hanging." The Iraqi government showed the world that, much like the current American administration, they are great on planning but shaky on execution. Considering the botched job the Iraqis made of the state-sponsored death of Saddam Hussein, it's a wonder the man is dead. All things considered, the security was pretty good. It took a whole day for the entire thing to make it to YouTube. Let's hope Bin Laden isn't captured in Takrit.
Friday, December 29, 2006
...or do a lot of stories slip past you during the holidays?
Things you might have missed lately:
Former senator and vice-presidential candidate John Edwards of North Carolina has declared that he will make another run for the Presidency in 2008. Wonderful. The field of Democrats running for President including, Tom Vilsack of Iowa, Dennis Kucinich of Krypton, plus the undeclared trio of Kerry, Clinton, and Obama, have made this race more crowded than the men's room at Giant Stadium during half-time. (At least in the men's room everyone has a plan.)
Seriously, when Dennis Kucinich looks at himself in the mirror in the morning, does a President looks back?
It wouldn't surprise me if William Jefferson of Louisiana declared himself a candidate, especially now that the Justice Department has unfrozen his assets.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Somalian army has captured Mogadishu.
Wait...hold on a second! Isn't Mogadishu in Somalia? Does this mean that the Somalian army has captured its own capital? Can I get a Risk ruling here? Is this even legal?
In a never-ending effort to confuse Westerners, the countries of eastern Africa are at it again. On a continent where national boundaries are drawn with an Etch-A-Sketch and country names change with the frequency of Brittany Spears' hair color, the events of the last week shouldn't surprise anyone.
If you haven't been following this story too closely, do not fret. The entire picture will change in a week anyway.
___________________________________________________________________
The FDA has declared that cloned foods are safe to eat.
Where stands the Christian Right on cloning sheep? Probably right behind the idea. (OK, that was cheap.)
Considering the green onion scare at Taco Bell and the spinach murders due to E. coli, it's nice to know that there is at least one type of food that doesn't require a skull and crossbones on the label. The government is suggesting that Americans import all there food from theislandofdoctormoreau.com. Works for me.
The whole concept of cloning is a little scary. I'm less afraid of producing cloned Joseph Stalins than I am of creating one more Kevin Federline.
_____________________________________________________________________
Mike Tyson has been arrested again.
Shocking!
The former heavyweight rape champion and all around screw-up was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and cocaine possession. Those of you who took the "over" on whether Tyson would reach 40 years old, congratulations. I would have bet against it myself.
As punishment for his many and varied transgressions, Tyson should be required to tour America's high schools as a lesson on what can happen when you have talent, money and no brains.
___________________________________________________________________
As of midnight on New Year's Eve smoking is no longer permitted in Washington D.C. restaurants and bars.
The ancestral home of the smoke-filled room will officially suspend the practice starting in January. That's a shame. I had hoped for a return to the concept of fifteen or twenty old pols gathering in one room to name candidates who might actually be electable. Having suffered through a primary system that has delivered Mike Dukakis, Bob Dole and George W. Bush, even a dartboard would be an improvement.
___________________________________________________________________
Saddam Hussein is no more. The Iraqi government and the Iraqi courts have learned much from their American handlers.
America has traveled half-way around the world to depose and execute a tyrant. The administration and even the "liberal media" has tried to paint this as a good thing. Sorry to have to tell you this America, but everything the French say about you is true. You have been made to look like a bunch of arrogant cowboys.
The U.S. had the opportunity to do the right thing here. We had the chance to retake the moral high ground. Instead we determined to prove to the world that we can be just as brutal and savage as those we replaced.
No one, including me, is shedding a tear over the extermination of Saddam Hussein but we should feel some anger that our leadership has made us look so small and vengeful on the world stage. Thanks George and a Happy New Year to you ,too.
___________________________________________________________________
Monica Lewinsky has received a Masters from the London School of Economics.
Ms. Lewinsky, now 34, probably discovered that London wasn't near far enough away to outrun her reputation. Perhaps Jupiter.
In today's Washington Post, Richard Cohen makes the case for allowing Monica to move past the events of 1995-1999. I agree. All of the jokes have been done and it's time to move on. As Mr. Cohen observed, most of us have been lucky enough not to have the stupid and dangerous escapades of our youth plastered across the front page of every paper from here to Madagascar. Let he among you who is without sin...
Isitjustme wishes only the best for Ms. Lewinsky in the future. However, a word of caution. Next time, don't tell anyone and for God's sake, don't keep the dress.
Former senator and vice-presidential candidate John Edwards of North Carolina has declared that he will make another run for the Presidency in 2008. Wonderful. The field of Democrats running for President including, Tom Vilsack of Iowa, Dennis Kucinich of Krypton, plus the undeclared trio of Kerry, Clinton, and Obama, have made this race more crowded than the men's room at Giant Stadium during half-time. (At least in the men's room everyone has a plan.)
Seriously, when Dennis Kucinich looks at himself in the mirror in the morning, does a President looks back?
It wouldn't surprise me if William Jefferson of Louisiana declared himself a candidate, especially now that the Justice Department has unfrozen his assets.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Somalian army has captured Mogadishu.
Wait...hold on a second! Isn't Mogadishu in Somalia? Does this mean that the Somalian army has captured its own capital? Can I get a Risk ruling here? Is this even legal?
In a never-ending effort to confuse Westerners, the countries of eastern Africa are at it again. On a continent where national boundaries are drawn with an Etch-A-Sketch and country names change with the frequency of Brittany Spears' hair color, the events of the last week shouldn't surprise anyone.
If you haven't been following this story too closely, do not fret. The entire picture will change in a week anyway.
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The FDA has declared that cloned foods are safe to eat.
Where stands the Christian Right on cloning sheep? Probably right behind the idea. (OK, that was cheap.)
Considering the green onion scare at Taco Bell and the spinach murders due to E. coli, it's nice to know that there is at least one type of food that doesn't require a skull and crossbones on the label. The government is suggesting that Americans import all there food from theislandofdoctormoreau.com. Works for me.
The whole concept of cloning is a little scary. I'm less afraid of producing cloned Joseph Stalins than I am of creating one more Kevin Federline.
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Mike Tyson has been arrested again.
Shocking!
The former heavyweight rape champion and all around screw-up was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and cocaine possession. Those of you who took the "over" on whether Tyson would reach 40 years old, congratulations. I would have bet against it myself.
As punishment for his many and varied transgressions, Tyson should be required to tour America's high schools as a lesson on what can happen when you have talent, money and no brains.
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As of midnight on New Year's Eve smoking is no longer permitted in Washington D.C. restaurants and bars.
The ancestral home of the smoke-filled room will officially suspend the practice starting in January. That's a shame. I had hoped for a return to the concept of fifteen or twenty old pols gathering in one room to name candidates who might actually be electable. Having suffered through a primary system that has delivered Mike Dukakis, Bob Dole and George W. Bush, even a dartboard would be an improvement.
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Saddam Hussein is no more. The Iraqi government and the Iraqi courts have learned much from their American handlers.
America has traveled half-way around the world to depose and execute a tyrant. The administration and even the "liberal media" has tried to paint this as a good thing. Sorry to have to tell you this America, but everything the French say about you is true. You have been made to look like a bunch of arrogant cowboys.
The U.S. had the opportunity to do the right thing here. We had the chance to retake the moral high ground. Instead we determined to prove to the world that we can be just as brutal and savage as those we replaced.
No one, including me, is shedding a tear over the extermination of Saddam Hussein but we should feel some anger that our leadership has made us look so small and vengeful on the world stage. Thanks George and a Happy New Year to you ,too.
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Monica Lewinsky has received a Masters from the London School of Economics.
Ms. Lewinsky, now 34, probably discovered that London wasn't near far enough away to outrun her reputation. Perhaps Jupiter.
In today's Washington Post, Richard Cohen makes the case for allowing Monica to move past the events of 1995-1999. I agree. All of the jokes have been done and it's time to move on. As Mr. Cohen observed, most of us have been lucky enough not to have the stupid and dangerous escapades of our youth plastered across the front page of every paper from here to Madagascar. Let he among you who is without sin...
Isitjustme wishes only the best for Ms. Lewinsky in the future. However, a word of caution. Next time, don't tell anyone and for God's sake, don't keep the dress.
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