Employing all the glitz and glitter at its disposal, the Catholic Church announced on Friday that it was elevating two of its former CEO's to the ranks of sainthood: Pope John XXIII and the recently departed John Paul II. (Under sainted leaders, see also Steve Jobs - Apple and Jack Welsh - General Electric.) The new Pope, Francis I was so eager to elevate these distinguished clergymen to rock star status that he waived both the required "miracles" in the case of John and the decades of waiting which has traditionally accompanied canonization. (Actually, the process has historically been a bit uneven. St. Francis Xavier waited 70 years but St. Francis of Assisi only two. St. Joseph wasn't recognized until 1962 and he has a statue in the manger.) Those lobbying for Mother Theresa (for a lifetime of sacrifice among the poor) and Mel Gibson (for producing Passion of the Christ) will have to wait for a vote by the veterans committee.
Clearly, the spotlight that is the Papacy bestows a significant leg-up in the race for sainthood. No less than 75 of the 266 men (and maybe one woman) to hold the title have risen to the status of saint. That's 30%; substantially more than U.S. Presidents who have a statue in the Capital. Granted that includes 48 out of the first 50, when being Pope was short on Gucci red shoes and long on martyrdom. Nevertheless, your good works and piety are much more likely to be noticed if your mode of transport includes being carried in a big chair with a big crown.
Recent Popes have been a bit out of favor for sainthood. The last Pope so honored was Pius X in 1954 and before him was Pius V in 1712, 150 years after his death. Some consideration has been given to men like Pope Pius XII but his indifference to the deaths of seven million European Jews during WWII and his chummy relationship with A. Hitler (they were Facebook friends) have stalled his advance. Indeed, the reason for caution and restraint in the naming of saints has been the concern that some inconvenient fact might surface subsequent to canonization which might cause embarrassment to all concerned. The Church can hardly have its children praying to St. Fredrick the Fornicator or Mother Alice the Embezzler. Better to wait until all the unsavory skeletons have emerged from the historical closet before bestowing high honors on the unworthy. Sainthood used to require a bit more than a Google search. Some saints such as St. Christopher have been scrubbed from the rolls entirely because there is some doubt as to whether he ever existed. Oops! So who's on all those medals?
Note: for those unschooled in Catholic mythology, a saint is person who has lived a life of great holiness and is believed to be in heaven. They are therefore available for public veneration as in, it's OK to name your halfway house or Knights of Columbus hall after them. The Church does not create saints, it only recognizes them. Because holy people are thought to be in heaven, praying to those persons is a request for intervention with God. When a particular event (miracle) can be attributed to praying to a specific holy person, that person can begin consideration for sainthood. Currently, one miracle is needed for beatification (step one) and another for sainthood. The fact that these conditions were loosened by John Paul II who will now benefit, is an irony best left to history.
Rome has thus chosen two recent Popes for sainthood. One, John Paul II was pope for 28 years and virtually remade the Church in his own conservative image. The other, John XXIII, only had the job for five years and, while he rocked the world by convoking the Second Vatican Council, wasn't especially renowned for his piety. Nevertheless, Francis I decided to avoid any controversy by naming both a sixties radical who liberalized the Church and the pope who spent three decades dismantling all that liberal activism. If Francis were in Congress, we would have had immigration reform four years ago.
Still, of less importance than the nominees for sainthood is the timing of the announcement. In a brilliant attempt at misdirection (Look. Squirrel.) the RCC has deflected attention from the 6,000 documents released under court order by the Archdiocese of Milwaukee last week. The federal judge reviewing the diocese' bankruptcy filing ordered the Church to disclose their nasty little secrets. It seems that the good bishops of Milwaukee have been shielding both pedophile priests (shocking!) and their ecclesiastical boodle. In 2007 the archbishop of Milwaukee requested permission from Rome to bury $57 million in a cemetery fund (ha, ha!) to protect it from "legal claims and liability". In other words, the cash wouldn't be subject to use as compensation for victimized children. The author of that request was none other than Cardinal Timothy Dolan; that jovial, Heineken-swilling, prelate whose current address in St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York.
Dolan is the public face of American Catholicism. He's the poster boy that was interviewed by "60 Minutes". He's the "we're looking forward not backward" guy. (Considering all the litigants in your rearview mirror, looking forward is a good plan.) The last thing Rome needs is to have a legal shit-storm swirling around a cardinal who actually got a few votes for pope at the last conclave. So what better way to divert attention from the unpleasant truth oozing from Wisconsin than to make a happy announcement? "Pay no attention to those child molesters and their enablers in America. Ignore the hiding of millions of dollars from court settlements. Forget the bogus bankruptcy filing which will keep the Church in gold chalices and good scotch. Rejoice in recognizing the piety of John Paul II, the pope who masterminded the massive church cover-up of pedophiles and perverts all over the world. Hallelujah!" Pope John XXIII, who really was a good guy, is spinning in his papal crypt.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
...or should the Faith and Freedom Coalition hold its next meeting on the grassy knoll?
It's time to get serious about who's running our country.
If you're serious about governing, you should pay attention to the words you use. Words matter. Facts matter. How you frame your argument and present your point of view will go a long way toward voters deciding if you are a serious engineer for change or just another airbag saying outrageous stuff to sell a book or promote your TV gig. Many people in the politician sphere have no intention of governing. They will never have to sell an idea for improving life to 434 other members of Congress or 99 other Senators. They will never have to defend the decisions they make or explain to an angry constituency why they voted as they did. Their rhetoric has no real world consequence. No one goes to war because of their opinions or pays a tax or loses a job. To them it's all just theater; a show where they get to entertain an audience that pays to have their own delusions reinforced. If Elmer Gantry were a real person, he'd have a prime-time spot on Fox.
Nowhere was this more evident than in Washington last month. When the conservative clown-car began disgorging its happy band of miscreants at the Marriott Harborplace, we knew we were in for a treat. Once upon a time there were precious few opportunities for these slapstick players to perform. The RNC Convention was held only once every four years. Then along came CPAC the Conservative Political Action Committee which holds its squirrel festival every year. Now we have organizations like Focus on the Family, The Eagle Forum, The Family Research Council and, this week, the Faith and Freedom Coalition. ( Coming soon the "I Love America and You Don't" Forum). All of these groups (same nuts different trees) have annual meetings which afford the clown car passengers a plethora of opportunities to shake their fist at the liberal media, the liberal administration, the liberal Congress but not presumably, the liberal use of cream cheese on the breakfast bagels. They also get to earn a healthy speaking fee while appearing to remain politically viable; like a touch footfall game at your 25th high school reunion...except you get paid.
The Faith and Freedom Coalition really loaded up the wagon for this year's gasfest. After all, nothing brings out the outrage like a Kenyan, Muslim, socialist in the White House. The only way most of these speakers could attend a serious political gathering would be to get a job with the caterer but in conservative circles they are the A-listers. No whack-a-doo, has-been/never-was should fear slipping into obscurity as long as these groups are around. The usual suspects included: Sister Sara (whose act never gets old), Herman Cain, Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, Rand Paul, Alan West, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and Mark Sanford (who only came to chase skirts). How they missed Joe the Plumber is anyone's guess. Honestly, with this many nuts in attendance the entire convention should be sponsored by Planters.
All the speakers were in rare form. Michele Bachmann stated emphatically that the passage of immigration reform would mean the creation of 30 million new Democrats. Really? 30 million? Oh wait, your statement doesn't have to be factual or even logical. It only has to be anti-Obama.
Michael Medved, who is part of the radio talk show cabal that runs the Republican Party, said the Obama majority among voters was limited to the single, the poor and the irreligious. Mike, baby, Obama carried Catholics, married women and, well, everyone except old white men...like the audience at the Faith and Freedom Forum.
Notably missing from the list of speakers were John McCain, Chris Christie, Governor John Portman of Ohio, John Huntsman and virtually anyone who understands how to govern or has the faintest hope of being elected to anything. (Rand Paul is the notable exception. Until conservatives discover what libertarianism really is he'll be a hero at these events)
But upon further reflection it's clear that even when the Republicans get into office, they have no interest in actually governing. The GOP-led House of Representatives has voted to repeal Obamacare no less than 37 times. Why hold meaningless votes on bills that can never become law? They have voted to de-fund ACORN, an organization dead and buried for three years. They pass abortion restrictions that are clearly DOA once they hit the Senate. On the state level, 13 states, mostly in the reactionary South, have voted to opt-out of increasing Medicare coverage for their citizens even though there is no cost to them. Wisconsin has joined Virginia on the vaginal ultrasound bandwagon.
This just in...we have a new candidate for Governor of Virginia. Wait for it...Tareq Salahi is in the race as, what else, a Republican. In case you forgot, it was Tareq and his bimbo-blond wife Michaele who wandered into a White House state dinner in 2009, sans invite. Since then, his wife left him for Journey's 58 year old journeyman guitarist and the former couple is being sued by everybody from three Virginia counties including the horses that formerly lived on their property. True to his gate-crashing code Salahi is running as a write-in. If you're convinced that the script for the Republican's new Rise to Majority is being written by the editors of the Onion, you may be on to something.
One last thought.
FLASH!! A Republican congressman from Texas has said something so outrageously dumb that it needed reprinting. I know, right? What are the odds? Congressman Mike Burgess of the Texas 26th District (north and west of Dallas) has testified that male human fetuses masturbate. Seeking to establish that a 15 week embryo can feel pleasure and therefore pain, Dr. Burgess (yes, this guy is a licensed OB-GYN) is trying to stop abortions using weird science and wildly speculative observation to advance his agenda. Congratulations, Dr. Mike. Your galactic stupidity has earned you todays' grand prize...a lifetime supply of leeches and a free bleeding at the barbershop of your choice..
If you're serious about governing, you should pay attention to the words you use. Words matter. Facts matter. How you frame your argument and present your point of view will go a long way toward voters deciding if you are a serious engineer for change or just another airbag saying outrageous stuff to sell a book or promote your TV gig. Many people in the politician sphere have no intention of governing. They will never have to sell an idea for improving life to 434 other members of Congress or 99 other Senators. They will never have to defend the decisions they make or explain to an angry constituency why they voted as they did. Their rhetoric has no real world consequence. No one goes to war because of their opinions or pays a tax or loses a job. To them it's all just theater; a show where they get to entertain an audience that pays to have their own delusions reinforced. If Elmer Gantry were a real person, he'd have a prime-time spot on Fox.
Nowhere was this more evident than in Washington last month. When the conservative clown-car began disgorging its happy band of miscreants at the Marriott Harborplace, we knew we were in for a treat. Once upon a time there were precious few opportunities for these slapstick players to perform. The RNC Convention was held only once every four years. Then along came CPAC the Conservative Political Action Committee which holds its squirrel festival every year. Now we have organizations like Focus on the Family, The Eagle Forum, The Family Research Council and, this week, the Faith and Freedom Coalition. ( Coming soon the "I Love America and You Don't" Forum). All of these groups (same nuts different trees) have annual meetings which afford the clown car passengers a plethora of opportunities to shake their fist at the liberal media, the liberal administration, the liberal Congress but not presumably, the liberal use of cream cheese on the breakfast bagels. They also get to earn a healthy speaking fee while appearing to remain politically viable; like a touch footfall game at your 25th high school reunion...except you get paid.
The Faith and Freedom Coalition really loaded up the wagon for this year's gasfest. After all, nothing brings out the outrage like a Kenyan, Muslim, socialist in the White House. The only way most of these speakers could attend a serious political gathering would be to get a job with the caterer but in conservative circles they are the A-listers. No whack-a-doo, has-been/never-was should fear slipping into obscurity as long as these groups are around. The usual suspects included: Sister Sara (whose act never gets old), Herman Cain, Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, Rand Paul, Alan West, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and Mark Sanford (who only came to chase skirts). How they missed Joe the Plumber is anyone's guess. Honestly, with this many nuts in attendance the entire convention should be sponsored by Planters.
All the speakers were in rare form. Michele Bachmann stated emphatically that the passage of immigration reform would mean the creation of 30 million new Democrats. Really? 30 million? Oh wait, your statement doesn't have to be factual or even logical. It only has to be anti-Obama.
Michael Medved, who is part of the radio talk show cabal that runs the Republican Party, said the Obama majority among voters was limited to the single, the poor and the irreligious. Mike, baby, Obama carried Catholics, married women and, well, everyone except old white men...like the audience at the Faith and Freedom Forum.
Notably missing from the list of speakers were John McCain, Chris Christie, Governor John Portman of Ohio, John Huntsman and virtually anyone who understands how to govern or has the faintest hope of being elected to anything. (Rand Paul is the notable exception. Until conservatives discover what libertarianism really is he'll be a hero at these events)
But upon further reflection it's clear that even when the Republicans get into office, they have no interest in actually governing. The GOP-led House of Representatives has voted to repeal Obamacare no less than 37 times. Why hold meaningless votes on bills that can never become law? They have voted to de-fund ACORN, an organization dead and buried for three years. They pass abortion restrictions that are clearly DOA once they hit the Senate. On the state level, 13 states, mostly in the reactionary South, have voted to opt-out of increasing Medicare coverage for their citizens even though there is no cost to them. Wisconsin has joined Virginia on the vaginal ultrasound bandwagon.
This just in...we have a new candidate for Governor of Virginia. Wait for it...Tareq Salahi is in the race as, what else, a Republican. In case you forgot, it was Tareq and his bimbo-blond wife Michaele who wandered into a White House state dinner in 2009, sans invite. Since then, his wife left him for Journey's 58 year old journeyman guitarist and the former couple is being sued by everybody from three Virginia counties including the horses that formerly lived on their property. True to his gate-crashing code Salahi is running as a write-in. If you're convinced that the script for the Republican's new Rise to Majority is being written by the editors of the Onion, you may be on to something.
One last thought.
FLASH!! A Republican congressman from Texas has said something so outrageously dumb that it needed reprinting. I know, right? What are the odds? Congressman Mike Burgess of the Texas 26th District (north and west of Dallas) has testified that male human fetuses masturbate. Seeking to establish that a 15 week embryo can feel pleasure and therefore pain, Dr. Burgess (yes, this guy is a licensed OB-GYN) is trying to stop abortions using weird science and wildly speculative observation to advance his agenda. Congratulations, Dr. Mike. Your galactic stupidity has earned you todays' grand prize...a lifetime supply of leeches and a free bleeding at the barbershop of your choice..
Saturday, June 15, 2013
...or do big budget movies make you want to go outside and have a cigarette?
There's a lot to love about May/June: great weather, (before the heat drives everyone back indoors), school buses no longer make commuting a unending nightmare (ask a driver on a Monday morning stuck behind a bus how he feels about home schooling) and even the crappiest yard in your neighborhood has a fresh green look. Late spring also means the arrival of that cineplex phenomenon known as the summer blockbuster. Every year around Memorial Day local theaters are awash in big budget, high octane, testosterone fueled extravaganzas. Most are sequels or remakes (Man of Steel, Fast and Furious 73, Iron Man 3, etc) Some are sequels masquerading as new movies (Star Trek Into Darkness, The Internship [wedding crashers go to Google] and Monsters University). Last year 9 of the 10 top grossing films worldwide were sequels. No great surprise there. Ask your average Hollywood mogul if he'd rather own the rights to Hangover or John Carter.
Summer blockbusters don't change much from year to year. They get bigger, noisier, special effect-ier and, with the advent of 3-D, pricier. Tragically they don't get smarter, more innovative or sexier. (Sex is right out if you want to keep your PG-13 rating.) In spite of the considerable success of the dialogue-rich Iron Man movies, most directors will prefer a few more bullets or explosions to a few more words any day. You want words, go see Much Ado About Nothing. Even James Bond, with that dreamy British accent that magically causes women's undies to hit the floor at fifty paces, would prefer to shoot rather than talk his way out of sticky situations. I like a good special effect as much as the next guy but not at the expense of a credible plot. You want plot, go see The Usual Suspects. (I'm told that the next Fast and Furious will feature Vin Diesel crawling through the tail pipe of a Toyota and winding up as a character on the GPS screen.)
Isitjustme doesn't usually do movie reviews. We can't normally see enough of them to be relevant. Plus there's a distinction between movies and films. Films are pictures made: 1) in third world countries, 2) by directors with unpronouceable names 3) with subtitles 4) shown only in theaters (actually "theatres") in really bad neighborhoods. Unless you're trying to impress a woman, these films are best left to On-demand. Mostly we see movies that are non-artistic drek, made for teenagers, serial killers with time to burn and the unemployed. In other words fun stuff. So for the benefit of anyone with $30 to waste and a few idle hours in their day, here are a few selections that we have seen.
Iron Man 3 - Someone needs to explain why Iron Man and Fast And Furious get regular numbers and Hangover gets Roman Numerals.
Iron Man is pretty good. Robert Downey, Jr is fun in the title role. He's irreverent, charming and capable of using multisyllablic words (a drawback in The Hulk). Think Bill Gates with really cool face hair. There is a story, it makes sense, sort of, and there's a bit of comic relief and from an unexpected source. Guy Pearce plays a delightful villain (a hero is only as good as his nemesis) and our hero lives to fight another day...and make Avengers 2 (or maybe II).
Star Trek Into Darkness
An explanation for the culturally clueless who were probably reading Proust in the sixties: Captain James Tiberius Kirk and his intrepid crew aboard the Enterprise spent the better part of four years from 1966 to 1969 in outer space, boldly going where no man had gone before. Cancelled as a TV series the storyline went on to foster six (VI) movies with the original cast and a prequel movie in 2009. Into Darkness is the sequel to the prequel. Remember, in space no one can hear you scream, "Stop flogging this franchise to death".
Actually the movie is good. Seeing Spock, Bones McCoy, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu and the gang when they were just kids is a gas for "those of a certain age". Younger audiences appear to like it too. Watching McCoy and Kirk invent the cliches that made them fully formed characters in TV reruns is like seeing James Bond have his first martini. (Casino Royale, 2006.) Even the bad guy is a visitor from the future... or the past. Yes the budget and the effects rob the tableau of some of its sixties kitsch but no one in 2013 would tolerate Doctor McCoy using a salt shaker as a prop to administer an injection (true story). The movie feels right and director JJ Abrams has paid considerable homage to Gene Roddenberry's vision from 45 years ago.
Now You See Me
Another example of how movies are becoming fun again. Now You See Me has a cast for all ages, from Jesse Eisenberg of Social Network fame, to Mark Ruffolo to Woody Harrelson to Morgan Freeman. It's a big caper movie that, although it cheeses on the payoff a bit, still provides a lot of the reason you go to the movies instead of the bookstore (like you could find one).
"Magic" movies haven't been big box office lately (The Prestige, The Illusionists) maybe because it's too hard to make a movie audience sit still for complicated magic tricks unless the trick involves fast cars and rocket launchers. You should give this one a chance. How they did it will matter less than who and why.
If I had to find a fault with blockbusters, it would be the need for the pull-out-all-the-stops, bigger than the last one, knock our socks off climax. (This kind of climax is distinguished from the other kind in that men tend to be more excited at the end than at the start. Women, not so much.) The idea that a hero and villain spend two hours outwitting each other, only to have their conflict resolved in a fist fight seems cliched? Really? A mano a mano brawl? What are they, cave dwellers? Every action movie ends the same way. It's like a fireworks show. Throw all the stuff in the air at the end. Maybe just once, the good guy and the bad guy could put aside their differences and unite against a common cause, like climate change or genetically modified foods. We need something else. After all, Proust doesn't end like that.
Summer blockbusters don't change much from year to year. They get bigger, noisier, special effect-ier and, with the advent of 3-D, pricier. Tragically they don't get smarter, more innovative or sexier. (Sex is right out if you want to keep your PG-13 rating.) In spite of the considerable success of the dialogue-rich Iron Man movies, most directors will prefer a few more bullets or explosions to a few more words any day. You want words, go see Much Ado About Nothing. Even James Bond, with that dreamy British accent that magically causes women's undies to hit the floor at fifty paces, would prefer to shoot rather than talk his way out of sticky situations. I like a good special effect as much as the next guy but not at the expense of a credible plot. You want plot, go see The Usual Suspects. (I'm told that the next Fast and Furious will feature Vin Diesel crawling through the tail pipe of a Toyota and winding up as a character on the GPS screen.)
Isitjustme doesn't usually do movie reviews. We can't normally see enough of them to be relevant. Plus there's a distinction between movies and films. Films are pictures made: 1) in third world countries, 2) by directors with unpronouceable names 3) with subtitles 4) shown only in theaters (actually "theatres") in really bad neighborhoods. Unless you're trying to impress a woman, these films are best left to On-demand. Mostly we see movies that are non-artistic drek, made for teenagers, serial killers with time to burn and the unemployed. In other words fun stuff. So for the benefit of anyone with $30 to waste and a few idle hours in their day, here are a few selections that we have seen.
Iron Man 3 - Someone needs to explain why Iron Man and Fast And Furious get regular numbers and Hangover gets Roman Numerals.
Iron Man is pretty good. Robert Downey, Jr is fun in the title role. He's irreverent, charming and capable of using multisyllablic words (a drawback in The Hulk). Think Bill Gates with really cool face hair. There is a story, it makes sense, sort of, and there's a bit of comic relief and from an unexpected source. Guy Pearce plays a delightful villain (a hero is only as good as his nemesis) and our hero lives to fight another day...and make Avengers 2 (or maybe II).
Star Trek Into Darkness
An explanation for the culturally clueless who were probably reading Proust in the sixties: Captain James Tiberius Kirk and his intrepid crew aboard the Enterprise spent the better part of four years from 1966 to 1969 in outer space, boldly going where no man had gone before. Cancelled as a TV series the storyline went on to foster six (VI) movies with the original cast and a prequel movie in 2009. Into Darkness is the sequel to the prequel. Remember, in space no one can hear you scream, "Stop flogging this franchise to death".
Actually the movie is good. Seeing Spock, Bones McCoy, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu and the gang when they were just kids is a gas for "those of a certain age". Younger audiences appear to like it too. Watching McCoy and Kirk invent the cliches that made them fully formed characters in TV reruns is like seeing James Bond have his first martini. (Casino Royale, 2006.) Even the bad guy is a visitor from the future... or the past. Yes the budget and the effects rob the tableau of some of its sixties kitsch but no one in 2013 would tolerate Doctor McCoy using a salt shaker as a prop to administer an injection (true story). The movie feels right and director JJ Abrams has paid considerable homage to Gene Roddenberry's vision from 45 years ago.
Now You See Me
Another example of how movies are becoming fun again. Now You See Me has a cast for all ages, from Jesse Eisenberg of Social Network fame, to Mark Ruffolo to Woody Harrelson to Morgan Freeman. It's a big caper movie that, although it cheeses on the payoff a bit, still provides a lot of the reason you go to the movies instead of the bookstore (like you could find one).
"Magic" movies haven't been big box office lately (The Prestige, The Illusionists) maybe because it's too hard to make a movie audience sit still for complicated magic tricks unless the trick involves fast cars and rocket launchers. You should give this one a chance. How they did it will matter less than who and why.
If I had to find a fault with blockbusters, it would be the need for the pull-out-all-the-stops, bigger than the last one, knock our socks off climax. (This kind of climax is distinguished from the other kind in that men tend to be more excited at the end than at the start. Women, not so much.) The idea that a hero and villain spend two hours outwitting each other, only to have their conflict resolved in a fist fight seems cliched? Really? A mano a mano brawl? What are they, cave dwellers? Every action movie ends the same way. It's like a fireworks show. Throw all the stuff in the air at the end. Maybe just once, the good guy and the bad guy could put aside their differences and unite against a common cause, like climate change or genetically modified foods. We need something else. After all, Proust doesn't end like that.
...or should we be offended that more people aren't offended?
It would appear that, for the foreseeable future, The Washington Redskins will remain The Washington Redskins. It is difficult to imagine the level of shame that should be felt by Dan Snyder, owner of the team, Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the NFL and, the country in general. And yet, there is no outrage, no boycott, no statement from our first black President. Why should there be? After all they're only Indians. It's not like we owe this race of people we systematically disenfranchised, tortured and murdered by the thousands any shred of respect. Their very existence is a reminder of how reluctant we should be to condemn the Greeks in Armenia or, yes, the Nazis.
This isn't about dignity. It's not about race. It isn't even about justice. It's about money. Dan Snyder owns one of the hottest merchandise franchises in the country. Sales of Robert Griffen III jerseys broke all records in 2012-13. His shirts can cost up to $249 a pop. The Washington NFL franchise trails only the Dallas Cowboys in sales of logo-laden crap. If you imagine that Dan Snyder would jeopardise that pot of gold for anything as trivial as the culture of another race, then you must believe in the concept of the student athlete. Remember, Snyder is the guy who sued his own season ticket holders who couldn't pay for their seats after the recession of 2008-9. This guy would ration the toilet paper in the ladies room if he could.
Snyder is a greedy pig without question but the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell is just gutless. Having received a letter from the Congressional Native American Caucus, requesting a change in the Washington team's name, Goodell thought about it for a nano-second and wrote back. His letter states, in brief, go stick it up your wigwam. "Neither in intent nor use was the name ever meant to denigrate or offend any group." Well, that's a load off my mind. Except you don't get to decide what offends me. It's not OK to fly the Confederate stars and bars over a state capital and tell black people to get over it. We wouldn't even consider the Washington Wetbacks or the Washington WOPS. Why is Redskins OK?
The name Redskins derives originally from Braves Field, the venue that hosted the team in its earliest years in Boston. It was changed to Redskins when the club moved to Fenway Park and was maintained when they moved to D.C. in 1937. However it was through the 50's and early 60's that controversy first attended the team. Owner George Preston Marshall adamantly refused to hire black players. The Redskins played in Griffith Stadium, home of the thoroughly racist Washington Senators baseball franchise. (The Senators owner Cal Griffith told a crowd in 1970 that he moved his team from D.C. to Minnesota because "you only have 15,000 black people here"). The Senators finally hired a black player in 1954 (seven years after Jackie Robinson signed a contract with Brooklyn) but it took Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy to force Marshall to integrate his football club. The Redskins signed Bobby Mitchell in 1962, seven years after every other NFL team desegregated. The fact that the Redskins played in Robert F. Kennedy Stadium from 1969 to 1996 is an irony lost on Dan Snyder. Marshall, it's said, had no great love of Jews either. One can only speculate how offended Dan Snyder, who is Jewish, might have been if GP Marshall had called his team the Washington Kikes or the Potomac Jewboys.
Roger Goodell is a busy man what with perpetuating all that racism so I have taken the liberty of rewriting his letter to the Congressional Native American Caucus. This is what he meant to say:
Dear Native American Brothers,
HOW!
I understand that you feel that the name Redskins as a mascot for the Washington football team is offensive to American Indians or Native Americans (whatever). Please understand, we mean no offense. Much time and effort has gone into crafting just the right image for the Redskins logo. The character we portray is how we imagine the Noble Savage looked in the moment before white people killed his family, burned his home and stole his land. We have avoided stereotypes about drinking, scalping and silly dances. That would be offensive. We respect the Native American culture even though we understand it has been all but wiped out. But hey, water over the dam right?
I have spoken at length with the Washington team owner Dan Snyder and he's pretty adamant about keeping the name. There's a lot of wampum involved. Imagine if someone tried to make you change the name of the Foxwoods casino? I know, right? Seriously, Dan sells enough junk with that Indian on it to buy the reservations in six states. Don't worry, he's not going to do that. Hell, what would he do with a million acres of dust and a bunch of inebriated guys in flannel shirts? However, to show that it's not all about money (wink,wink) Dan is willing to offer team tryouts to any braves who can down enough steroids to bulk up and make the team. Can't ask any more than that, right?
Anyway, I'm afraid there will be no treaty (like that would matter) on the subject of a name change. With 70% of the country on our side it looks like, once again, you are out-numbered and SOL. The Redskins will remain the Redskins and you will remain a cartoon villain in old West comic books. Sorry chief.
Sincerely
Roger Goodell
Commissioner, NFL
ps. I have forwarded your letter to the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Blackhawks. Good luck with that.
rg
So here it is. No one outside of the Native American community gives a rat's ass about offending Indians. Football fiends who think Crazy Horse finished forth in the Belmont Stakes will howl in protest if anyone tries to drag the NFL into the 21st Century. Remember, "Teach Ignorance" is the mantra of half the schools in the South and West. We are determined to use every opportunity to show the world that we may be the land of the free and the home of the brave but we are also the address of the assholes.
This isn't about dignity. It's not about race. It isn't even about justice. It's about money. Dan Snyder owns one of the hottest merchandise franchises in the country. Sales of Robert Griffen III jerseys broke all records in 2012-13. His shirts can cost up to $249 a pop. The Washington NFL franchise trails only the Dallas Cowboys in sales of logo-laden crap. If you imagine that Dan Snyder would jeopardise that pot of gold for anything as trivial as the culture of another race, then you must believe in the concept of the student athlete. Remember, Snyder is the guy who sued his own season ticket holders who couldn't pay for their seats after the recession of 2008-9. This guy would ration the toilet paper in the ladies room if he could.
Snyder is a greedy pig without question but the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell is just gutless. Having received a letter from the Congressional Native American Caucus, requesting a change in the Washington team's name, Goodell thought about it for a nano-second and wrote back. His letter states, in brief, go stick it up your wigwam. "Neither in intent nor use was the name ever meant to denigrate or offend any group." Well, that's a load off my mind. Except you don't get to decide what offends me. It's not OK to fly the Confederate stars and bars over a state capital and tell black people to get over it. We wouldn't even consider the Washington Wetbacks or the Washington WOPS. Why is Redskins OK?
The name Redskins derives originally from Braves Field, the venue that hosted the team in its earliest years in Boston. It was changed to Redskins when the club moved to Fenway Park and was maintained when they moved to D.C. in 1937. However it was through the 50's and early 60's that controversy first attended the team. Owner George Preston Marshall adamantly refused to hire black players. The Redskins played in Griffith Stadium, home of the thoroughly racist Washington Senators baseball franchise. (The Senators owner Cal Griffith told a crowd in 1970 that he moved his team from D.C. to Minnesota because "you only have 15,000 black people here"). The Senators finally hired a black player in 1954 (seven years after Jackie Robinson signed a contract with Brooklyn) but it took Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy to force Marshall to integrate his football club. The Redskins signed Bobby Mitchell in 1962, seven years after every other NFL team desegregated. The fact that the Redskins played in Robert F. Kennedy Stadium from 1969 to 1996 is an irony lost on Dan Snyder. Marshall, it's said, had no great love of Jews either. One can only speculate how offended Dan Snyder, who is Jewish, might have been if GP Marshall had called his team the Washington Kikes or the Potomac Jewboys.
Roger Goodell is a busy man what with perpetuating all that racism so I have taken the liberty of rewriting his letter to the Congressional Native American Caucus. This is what he meant to say:
Dear Native American Brothers,
HOW!
I understand that you feel that the name Redskins as a mascot for the Washington football team is offensive to American Indians or Native Americans (whatever). Please understand, we mean no offense. Much time and effort has gone into crafting just the right image for the Redskins logo. The character we portray is how we imagine the Noble Savage looked in the moment before white people killed his family, burned his home and stole his land. We have avoided stereotypes about drinking, scalping and silly dances. That would be offensive. We respect the Native American culture even though we understand it has been all but wiped out. But hey, water over the dam right?
I have spoken at length with the Washington team owner Dan Snyder and he's pretty adamant about keeping the name. There's a lot of wampum involved. Imagine if someone tried to make you change the name of the Foxwoods casino? I know, right? Seriously, Dan sells enough junk with that Indian on it to buy the reservations in six states. Don't worry, he's not going to do that. Hell, what would he do with a million acres of dust and a bunch of inebriated guys in flannel shirts? However, to show that it's not all about money (wink,wink) Dan is willing to offer team tryouts to any braves who can down enough steroids to bulk up and make the team. Can't ask any more than that, right?
Anyway, I'm afraid there will be no treaty (like that would matter) on the subject of a name change. With 70% of the country on our side it looks like, once again, you are out-numbered and SOL. The Redskins will remain the Redskins and you will remain a cartoon villain in old West comic books. Sorry chief.
Sincerely
Roger Goodell
Commissioner, NFL
ps. I have forwarded your letter to the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Blackhawks. Good luck with that.
rg
So here it is. No one outside of the Native American community gives a rat's ass about offending Indians. Football fiends who think Crazy Horse finished forth in the Belmont Stakes will howl in protest if anyone tries to drag the NFL into the 21st Century. Remember, "Teach Ignorance" is the mantra of half the schools in the South and West. We are determined to use every opportunity to show the world that we may be the land of the free and the home of the brave but we are also the address of the assholes.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
...or does the axiom "you can't fix stupid" have a corollary "but you should at least keep it to yourself'?
There's a reason why Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal thinks of the Grand Old Party as the stupid party. No, it's not because they continually lose elections. That's just the end result. It's not because all Republicans are stupid. Most aren't. It's because the "big picnic" that Republicans hope will attract voters of all races and beliefs has instead attracted an amazing collection of red ants, bedbugs, cuckoos and shit-house rats. No joke! All the crazies are camped under the red banner. Every day some fool steps forward and proudly announces to the world that Republicans are unworthy of your vote.
Sure, not every conservative worships at the feet of Rush Limbaugh but all the Rush Limbaughs are conservatives. All the ignorant, hate speech: all the insane talk of the American apocalypse emanates from one camp. Blue state politicians do dumb things but they don't talk as if science and learning were concepts to be feared and condemned. Interestingly enough, tea party leaders preach to their faithful as if those people were dim-witted children. Those congregants then go home, reflect on not just the preaching but the preachers and vote to reject those preachers. The Senate races in Indiana and Missouri in 2012 are only the most recent examples.
Now we move to Virginia and the governors race in 2013. The Old Dominion has gone for Obama in the last two elections but in races inside the state, they show much more red than blue. True, both U.S. Senators from Virginia are Democrats but the State Capitol, including the Governor is very much a GOP stronghold. Recent scandals regarding Governor McDonnell and his wife haven't stopped the steady flow of repressive, draconian legislation. (The State representatives of Virginia seem more interested in probing a woman's vagina than the finances of their ethically compromised governor).
Anyway, Virginia's governors cannot succeed themselves so the race is on for a new face in 2013. Democrats have chosen Terry McAuliffe, a functional candidate whose primary success to date is as a fundraiser for the Clintons. In his previous run for VA governor he couldn't beat a nobody named Creigh Deeds in a primary. The Republicans have thrown in with Ken Cuccinelli, the current State Attorney General who began running for governor a nano-second after taking the oath as AG. Known as Cuch (People who couldn't stop Googling "Santorum" will hurt themselves laughing about "Cuch".) Cuccinelli is a screaming conservative Catholic who: 1) hates immigrants, 2) hates gays, 3) hates abortion, (big surprise) 4) loves guns, and, of course 5) hates Obamacare. He apparently feels that if he can pander to the "old South" part of the state, he won't need any of the DC suburbs where all the smart people live.
The reason that Virginia's current election ties into a discussion of "Republican=Stupid" is the GOP choice for Lieutenant Governor, one E.W. Jackson. Reverend Jackson is a colorful politician in more ways than one. He is the founder and current president of S.T.A.N.D., a tortured acronym for Staying True To America's National Destiny. He is also head of the Exodus Faith Ministries (EFM doesn't have much of a ring, does it?) Still Jackson is that rarest of birds: a black conservative, right-wing nut job. Traditionally, Virginia's black conservatives could hold their caucus at a modest table at Denny's. (Guest speaker Hermann Cain). Rev. Jackson will have no trouble being recognized at campaign events. He'll be the black man in the crowd who isn't serving hors d'oeuvres.
Mr. Jackson's uniqueness isn't limited to his race. Even among Republicans his views are, lets say, novel. Reverend Jackson is not your run-of-the-mill loony. He is a Harvard educated lawyer, an ex-marine and a bishop in his church. It's amazing how many conservative crazies are Harvard grads: Ted Cruz, Antonin Scalia , David Vitter... the list goes on. He was apparently chosen by a selection committee more worried about the color of his skin than the content of his character. Say what you will, Reverend Jackson is a character.
Among the newsworthy if cringe-inducing pronouncements from Rev. Jackson are:
"It is the principle of sin, rebellion against God and his truths which has brought about birth defects and other destructive natural occurrences."
"Planned Parenthood has done more to harm black people than the Ku Klux Klan."
"Homosexuals are perverted and very sick people."
In an blog posting published in 2010 (Yeah, like you can believe anything in a blog!) Jackson wrote that Barack Obama "sees the world from a Muslim prospective".
Rev. Jackson has also attacked the heinous, godless practice of...yoga. In his book "Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life" the Rev. states that yoga meditation encourages participants to empty their minds. "Satan is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it". Nature may abhor a vacuum but Beelzebub wants to move right in. Rev. Jackson knows of what he speaks. Having emptied his mind of virtually all of the knowledge gained at Harvard, the evil influence of Conservatism just took up residence. This man needs a right wing exorcism. Paging Max Von Sydow!
Will someone please explain why Republicans feel the need to continuously trot out one bible thumping, gag-inducing, anti-intelligence, gasbag after another? When you add EW Jackson to Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gommert, Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin and a host of others, that's not a coincidence; that's a contagion. The GOP insists on mining a claim that is petering out by the hour. Smart conservatives look at E.W. Jackson and shake their heads in dismay. How does a black preacher, whose views are laughable (bordering on scary) help an already foundering candidate who might otherwise give the liberal opponent a run for his money? How can you make a case for your stance on the issues when the issue becomes your whack-job running mate? Conservatism used to be a serious political philosophy. Now it only serves to keep Jon Stuart, Stephen Colbert and Bill Maher in business.h
To paraphrase David Letterman, what can you make of a political party whose members think the birth certificate of the President is a fake but professional wrestling is real?
Sure, not every conservative worships at the feet of Rush Limbaugh but all the Rush Limbaughs are conservatives. All the ignorant, hate speech: all the insane talk of the American apocalypse emanates from one camp. Blue state politicians do dumb things but they don't talk as if science and learning were concepts to be feared and condemned. Interestingly enough, tea party leaders preach to their faithful as if those people were dim-witted children. Those congregants then go home, reflect on not just the preaching but the preachers and vote to reject those preachers. The Senate races in Indiana and Missouri in 2012 are only the most recent examples.
Now we move to Virginia and the governors race in 2013. The Old Dominion has gone for Obama in the last two elections but in races inside the state, they show much more red than blue. True, both U.S. Senators from Virginia are Democrats but the State Capitol, including the Governor is very much a GOP stronghold. Recent scandals regarding Governor McDonnell and his wife haven't stopped the steady flow of repressive, draconian legislation. (The State representatives of Virginia seem more interested in probing a woman's vagina than the finances of their ethically compromised governor).
Anyway, Virginia's governors cannot succeed themselves so the race is on for a new face in 2013. Democrats have chosen Terry McAuliffe, a functional candidate whose primary success to date is as a fundraiser for the Clintons. In his previous run for VA governor he couldn't beat a nobody named Creigh Deeds in a primary. The Republicans have thrown in with Ken Cuccinelli, the current State Attorney General who began running for governor a nano-second after taking the oath as AG. Known as Cuch (People who couldn't stop Googling "Santorum" will hurt themselves laughing about "Cuch".) Cuccinelli is a screaming conservative Catholic who: 1) hates immigrants, 2) hates gays, 3) hates abortion, (big surprise) 4) loves guns, and, of course 5) hates Obamacare. He apparently feels that if he can pander to the "old South" part of the state, he won't need any of the DC suburbs where all the smart people live.
The reason that Virginia's current election ties into a discussion of "Republican=Stupid" is the GOP choice for Lieutenant Governor, one E.W. Jackson. Reverend Jackson is a colorful politician in more ways than one. He is the founder and current president of S.T.A.N.D., a tortured acronym for Staying True To America's National Destiny. He is also head of the Exodus Faith Ministries (EFM doesn't have much of a ring, does it?) Still Jackson is that rarest of birds: a black conservative, right-wing nut job. Traditionally, Virginia's black conservatives could hold their caucus at a modest table at Denny's. (Guest speaker Hermann Cain). Rev. Jackson will have no trouble being recognized at campaign events. He'll be the black man in the crowd who isn't serving hors d'oeuvres.
Mr. Jackson's uniqueness isn't limited to his race. Even among Republicans his views are, lets say, novel. Reverend Jackson is not your run-of-the-mill loony. He is a Harvard educated lawyer, an ex-marine and a bishop in his church. It's amazing how many conservative crazies are Harvard grads: Ted Cruz, Antonin Scalia , David Vitter... the list goes on. He was apparently chosen by a selection committee more worried about the color of his skin than the content of his character. Say what you will, Reverend Jackson is a character.
Among the newsworthy if cringe-inducing pronouncements from Rev. Jackson are:
"It is the principle of sin, rebellion against God and his truths which has brought about birth defects and other destructive natural occurrences."
"Planned Parenthood has done more to harm black people than the Ku Klux Klan."
"Homosexuals are perverted and very sick people."
In an blog posting published in 2010 (Yeah, like you can believe anything in a blog!) Jackson wrote that Barack Obama "sees the world from a Muslim prospective".
Rev. Jackson has also attacked the heinous, godless practice of...yoga. In his book "Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life" the Rev. states that yoga meditation encourages participants to empty their minds. "Satan is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it". Nature may abhor a vacuum but Beelzebub wants to move right in. Rev. Jackson knows of what he speaks. Having emptied his mind of virtually all of the knowledge gained at Harvard, the evil influence of Conservatism just took up residence. This man needs a right wing exorcism. Paging Max Von Sydow!
Will someone please explain why Republicans feel the need to continuously trot out one bible thumping, gag-inducing, anti-intelligence, gasbag after another? When you add EW Jackson to Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gommert, Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin and a host of others, that's not a coincidence; that's a contagion. The GOP insists on mining a claim that is petering out by the hour. Smart conservatives look at E.W. Jackson and shake their heads in dismay. How does a black preacher, whose views are laughable (bordering on scary) help an already foundering candidate who might otherwise give the liberal opponent a run for his money? How can you make a case for your stance on the issues when the issue becomes your whack-job running mate? Conservatism used to be a serious political philosophy. Now it only serves to keep Jon Stuart, Stephen Colbert and Bill Maher in business.h
To paraphrase David Letterman, what can you make of a political party whose members think the birth certificate of the President is a fake but professional wrestling is real?
Saturday, June 01, 2013
...or does the Buddha have it right... " Lack of action is action"?
So maybe it's time to talk about Islam.
As a forum that hues to the port side of the political spectrum, isitjustme is inclined to take a conciliatory stance when tempers run high. There is little satisfaction or justice to be had in the mass condemnation of any group or ethnicity. Harassing a Yemeni restaurant owner or protesting the construction of a mosque in Frankfort, KY hardly seems intelligent or fair. The vast majority of Muslims in America and in Europe want nothing more than to enjoy the benefits of living in a country where one's religion is no impediment to success or happiness. Your Persian neighbor, Pakistani doctor or Moroccan co-worker wishes only to be treated like the American citizen he or she has become. When we condemn a culture or religion, we rarely mean the people of that culture or religion who are known to us. Bigotry is harder to sustain when the oppressed has a name...
So, having established that we are all reasonable, intelligent, enlightened members of a modern, tolerant society, we are getting a bit fed up with Islam. The world is tired of the absurd justifications for senseless murder. Muslim sensibilities cannot be trotted out as the reason for car bombings, mass shootings, and airplane hijackings. Your beliefs are important to you but trivial to me. We cannot tolerate one more senseless death because some disenfranchised loser, whose inability to find happiness in the West results in his "striking a blow for Allah". Our society is not responsible for your poverty, or your isolation. Turning to jihaddist preachers for answers will not feed your family or put gas in your car. It will however, cause the rest of us to become radicalized against you and yours. (Please refer to the chapter in the Koran on self-fulfilling prophesy.)
The Crusaders killed thousands of Muslims. The Ottaman Turks killed tens of thousands of Christians. If we acknowledge that the world was a barbaric place in 1100 or 1360 or 1490 can we please move on? Empirical evidence would suggest that, if the West wanted to kill Muslims in 2013 we could certainly do a better job of it. Imagining that conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq are somehow religious in origin belies the facts that richer Islamic targets exist almost everywhere. But logic is rarely in play where Islam is concerned. No one should die over a movie. Tens of thousands should not take to the streets in multiple countries over a cartoon. Apoplectic responses to book burnings will always seem to be an overreaction.
Still, logical or not, Islam has to start taking responsibility for itself. If you want to live in France then you must do so as a Frenchman. We are beginning not to care that most Muslims are "normal folk" who just want to practice their religion in peace. If you attend a mosque where radicalism is preached, tolerated or even whispered and you don't call Homeland Security, you are not "normal folk". Your reaction to talk of violence at a mosque should be the same as if you heard it in the checkout line at Safeway. If you don't speak up you are a collaborator. If you put the misguided teaching of your religion before the security of your country you are a co-conspirator. Islam isn't being blamed for all the violence in the world but Islam is causing a lot of it, especially among civilians. We are starting not to care that you have grievances. You must find a better way to express them.
We must decide where to draw the line between culture and crime; between religious freedom and social welfare. No religious creed or custom can become a justification for cruelty or abuse of personal rights. Your Koran will not shield you from laws against abuse of women, honor killings or denial of basic liberties. The West is not inclined to invade Saudi Arabia in order to secure driving rights for women however we will not condone the abuse of women's rights in any country or territory where Western laws prevail. As Tom Friedman observes, the world is getting flat and standards for basic human conduct are becoming universal. We in the civilized world will not tolerate bad behavior, not on religious grounds but on moral grounds.
The Tsarnaev Brothers in Boston, Major Nidal Hasan (he of the Fort Hood shooting) and all of the other deranged murders in the last fifteen years have succeeded only in convincing Westerners that, even the worst religious bigots have a point. The Brits are about one step away from jailing everyone in the UK who prays to Mecca. After the horrific murder of an off-duty soldier last weekend, who can blame them? Holland, one of Europe's most open countries, feels subsumed by Muslims who don't want to be Dutch. They want a Sharia state in the Netherlands. We want to be tolerant. We don't want to be stupid.
So here it is. If you want to be a Muslim in Germany or Greece or Cleveland fine but you must assimilate. Transition is difficult for any immigrant but the difficulty is usually worth it. Let your kids (especially the girls) go to local schools. Learn a little of the local language, not because you have to but because you want to. Get used to thinking of yourself as a Brit or a Swede. Respond to an incident in the Middle East as a citizen not a follower.
Practice your religion but keep it out of your politics. Imams who preach hate in Denmark or Poland are in little danger of being chosen as suicide bombers. Think for yourself. Understand that you are different and as such may be treated differently. No offence intended. Although you might well have been a victim in your old country, in this place you're just new. Impatience is not bigotry. Rudeness is not intolerance. The whole point of freedom is that you can be anything, so chose to be something good. You have a lot to offer so offer it. Remember, if being a Muslim in Kuwait or Syria was such a cool thing, why are you here? We in the West are only being shown one side of Islam. Please, show us something else or prepare to be treated the way you fear most.
As a forum that hues to the port side of the political spectrum, isitjustme is inclined to take a conciliatory stance when tempers run high. There is little satisfaction or justice to be had in the mass condemnation of any group or ethnicity. Harassing a Yemeni restaurant owner or protesting the construction of a mosque in Frankfort, KY hardly seems intelligent or fair. The vast majority of Muslims in America and in Europe want nothing more than to enjoy the benefits of living in a country where one's religion is no impediment to success or happiness. Your Persian neighbor, Pakistani doctor or Moroccan co-worker wishes only to be treated like the American citizen he or she has become. When we condemn a culture or religion, we rarely mean the people of that culture or religion who are known to us. Bigotry is harder to sustain when the oppressed has a name...
So, having established that we are all reasonable, intelligent, enlightened members of a modern, tolerant society, we are getting a bit fed up with Islam. The world is tired of the absurd justifications for senseless murder. Muslim sensibilities cannot be trotted out as the reason for car bombings, mass shootings, and airplane hijackings. Your beliefs are important to you but trivial to me. We cannot tolerate one more senseless death because some disenfranchised loser, whose inability to find happiness in the West results in his "striking a blow for Allah". Our society is not responsible for your poverty, or your isolation. Turning to jihaddist preachers for answers will not feed your family or put gas in your car. It will however, cause the rest of us to become radicalized against you and yours. (Please refer to the chapter in the Koran on self-fulfilling prophesy.)
The Crusaders killed thousands of Muslims. The Ottaman Turks killed tens of thousands of Christians. If we acknowledge that the world was a barbaric place in 1100 or 1360 or 1490 can we please move on? Empirical evidence would suggest that, if the West wanted to kill Muslims in 2013 we could certainly do a better job of it. Imagining that conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq are somehow religious in origin belies the facts that richer Islamic targets exist almost everywhere. But logic is rarely in play where Islam is concerned. No one should die over a movie. Tens of thousands should not take to the streets in multiple countries over a cartoon. Apoplectic responses to book burnings will always seem to be an overreaction.
Still, logical or not, Islam has to start taking responsibility for itself. If you want to live in France then you must do so as a Frenchman. We are beginning not to care that most Muslims are "normal folk" who just want to practice their religion in peace. If you attend a mosque where radicalism is preached, tolerated or even whispered and you don't call Homeland Security, you are not "normal folk". Your reaction to talk of violence at a mosque should be the same as if you heard it in the checkout line at Safeway. If you don't speak up you are a collaborator. If you put the misguided teaching of your religion before the security of your country you are a co-conspirator. Islam isn't being blamed for all the violence in the world but Islam is causing a lot of it, especially among civilians. We are starting not to care that you have grievances. You must find a better way to express them.
We must decide where to draw the line between culture and crime; between religious freedom and social welfare. No religious creed or custom can become a justification for cruelty or abuse of personal rights. Your Koran will not shield you from laws against abuse of women, honor killings or denial of basic liberties. The West is not inclined to invade Saudi Arabia in order to secure driving rights for women however we will not condone the abuse of women's rights in any country or territory where Western laws prevail. As Tom Friedman observes, the world is getting flat and standards for basic human conduct are becoming universal. We in the civilized world will not tolerate bad behavior, not on religious grounds but on moral grounds.
The Tsarnaev Brothers in Boston, Major Nidal Hasan (he of the Fort Hood shooting) and all of the other deranged murders in the last fifteen years have succeeded only in convincing Westerners that, even the worst religious bigots have a point. The Brits are about one step away from jailing everyone in the UK who prays to Mecca. After the horrific murder of an off-duty soldier last weekend, who can blame them? Holland, one of Europe's most open countries, feels subsumed by Muslims who don't want to be Dutch. They want a Sharia state in the Netherlands. We want to be tolerant. We don't want to be stupid.
So here it is. If you want to be a Muslim in Germany or Greece or Cleveland fine but you must assimilate. Transition is difficult for any immigrant but the difficulty is usually worth it. Let your kids (especially the girls) go to local schools. Learn a little of the local language, not because you have to but because you want to. Get used to thinking of yourself as a Brit or a Swede. Respond to an incident in the Middle East as a citizen not a follower.
Practice your religion but keep it out of your politics. Imams who preach hate in Denmark or Poland are in little danger of being chosen as suicide bombers. Think for yourself. Understand that you are different and as such may be treated differently. No offence intended. Although you might well have been a victim in your old country, in this place you're just new. Impatience is not bigotry. Rudeness is not intolerance. The whole point of freedom is that you can be anything, so chose to be something good. You have a lot to offer so offer it. Remember, if being a Muslim in Kuwait or Syria was such a cool thing, why are you here? We in the West are only being shown one side of Islam. Please, show us something else or prepare to be treated the way you fear most.
Friday, May 24, 2013
...or do we all want to see Tiger and Sergio duke it out like the sharks and the jets?
Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia have been engaged in a hissy-fit pillow fight since they were paired in the third round of the Players Championship at Sawgrass on May 11. Note: if you're not a golfer this next bit will both amaze and stupify. The incident that got the most recent dust-up started happened on the second hole. The two golfers were on opposite sides of the fairway. Sergio was away so he would hit first. To hear Sergio tell it, Tiger waited until Sergio was in his backswing, then pulled a wood from his bag. Because the crowd following Tiger expected to see an iron, they shouted their approval at the club selection. This sudden uproar caused Sergio to miss-hit his shot. Mr. Garcia contends that this show of poor sportsmanship cost him the hole, the round and the championship. Tiger tells a different tale. Also the TV footage shows that, when the crowd erupted, Sergio had plenty of time to back off the shot. He chose to hit anyway.
Since the "Great Club-Choosing Controversy" (which Fox News labeled as "bigger than Watergate") Woods and Garcia have been sniping back and forth in every social media imaginable. A selection is even available on Pandora. Clearly, this must end. And so we can imagine that Tiger's agent and Sergio's agent arranged for a clandestine meeting between the two golfers. The scene: Butler Cabin on the grounds of Augusta National. Away from the cameras and armed only with a quart of tequila and a box of fine cigars, the two champions can finally settle their differences. Let's listen:
Tiger: Well Sergio, I don't know why it took us this long to get together. We play in a lot of the same tournaments. Of course, it's tough to arrange a meeting when you're leaving the course on Friday night and I'm there until Sunday. Have a drink?
Sergio: Thanks Tiger, don't mind if I do. We should be amigos. After all we both have the same number of endorsement deals...which is none. In my case it's because, during a four day tournament, I'm guaranteed to blow up like the Hindenburg. For you it's because your love life has made you as toxic as a Chernobyl swimming pool. Nike only held on because your name was on more shit than Donald Trump. Let me pour you a drink.
Tiger: Yeah, you're right. After all, between us we have amassed fourteen Major Championships and ten PGA Player of the Year awards. Of course none of those were yours but hey, your career's not over..is it?
Sergio: Not by a long shot. And speaking of long shots you really hosed me on #2 at Sawgrass. I'm lucky I even hit the ball.
Tiger: Yeah sorry about that. But seriously if you could manage to hit a drive past the women's tees once in a while, you wouldn't have to hit first in the fairway. Jesus, my girlfriend Lindsey Vonn can hit it farther than you with a ski pole. Have another blast of this most excellent tequila.
Sergio: Don't mind if I do. So you admit you excited the crowd on purpose to screw up my shot?
Tiger: Shit yeah! You fold up like a cheap suit at the slightest distraction. Oh and by the way, as long as we're coming clean, I sort of bribed your caddy to replace your ball on #17 with a whiffle ball. You couldn't have gotten that shot over the water with a howitzer.
Sergio: Well as long as we're telling secrets, remember Thanksgiving night in 2009? When you fought with your wife and drove your Caddy (the car not the bag-carrier) into a hydrant?
Tiger: It would be hard to forget, why?
Sergio: Well the reason you lost control of the car might be because I disconnected the steering column from the wheels. Wow, when you hit that hydrant, water shooting everywhere, I about wet my $600 Bobby Jones pants. Have another drink.
Tiger: Cute Sergio. I suppose you'll tell me next that it was you who called my wife about my boning all those waitresses.
Sergio: Better than that. Two of those bimbos were my cousins. Not all the hookers in my family are golfers. Another drink mi amigo?
Tiger: You bet. Jesus, this is a lot to process. I certainly feel a bit better about some of the dirty tricks that I've played on you over the years.
Sergio: Like what?
Tiger: Well, remember the time you were held at customs in Orlando? That might be because someone called INS and reported that a "little Mexican carrying golf balls full of cocaine" was landing from Asia.
Sergio: But I'm from Madrid.
Tiger: Yeah tomatoes, tomaatos. You all look alike to an $11.00 an hour high school grad in a uniform. They held you for a day and a half as I recall.
Sergio: That's terrible. What else?
Tiger: Oh yeah, remember when you were dating Greg Norman's daughter Morgan-Leigh? Well I heard that someone told her you were gay. It was easy to convince her. After all you did go out with Martina Hingis the tennis player. Women's tennis has more lesbians that the will-call line at the Lilith Fair.
Sergio: Oh yeah! Well the next time that your ex wife lets you near your two kids, take a real good look. That's right Nike-boy, Sam and Charlie might as well be named Sergio Uno and Sergio Dos. That's not African American you're looking at. It's pure Castilian. It seemed that Elin preferred a bit of chorizo to that half-Asian spring roll you've been showing to every truck stop waitress and checkout clerk at Walmart. How did she put it "Tiger may have a great short game but his driver was strictly from limpsville."
Tiger: At least I have a wife paella-face. Word around the clubhouse is that you're hitting from both sides of the ball. You've been wearing pink knickers for years and telling anyone who asked that it was for breast cancer awareness. I heard that, in Spain, the sound of your zipper frightened the sheep across three counties.
Sergio: That's an ugly rumor started by Seve Ballesteros because I wouldn't let him date my sister.
Anyway the important thing is that all that animosity is behind us. We should make a deal: no more tweets or Facebook posting about each other.
Tiger: Are you sure that's what you want? If it wasn't for me, you'd be washing golf carts at some muni course in Barcelona. Our "feud" is the only thing keeping you in the golf conversation. Are you going to finish that last swallow of tequila?
Sergio: No you take it. Maybe you're right. Your cheap shots at me are the only thing that proves to fans that you weren't manufactured in some mocha golf factory. Face it! Most of the time you exhibit the personality of a bag of tees. It least regarding me you appear human...if a bit churlish. I guess we need each other. By the way, I drank a little too much of that tequila. I can't move my legs.
Tiger: Me neither. I guess we'll have to stay here a while. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I poured honey in Phil Michelson's golf bag? Well it was really hot and...
Since the "Great Club-Choosing Controversy" (which Fox News labeled as "bigger than Watergate") Woods and Garcia have been sniping back and forth in every social media imaginable. A selection is even available on Pandora. Clearly, this must end. And so we can imagine that Tiger's agent and Sergio's agent arranged for a clandestine meeting between the two golfers. The scene: Butler Cabin on the grounds of Augusta National. Away from the cameras and armed only with a quart of tequila and a box of fine cigars, the two champions can finally settle their differences. Let's listen:
Tiger: Well Sergio, I don't know why it took us this long to get together. We play in a lot of the same tournaments. Of course, it's tough to arrange a meeting when you're leaving the course on Friday night and I'm there until Sunday. Have a drink?
Sergio: Thanks Tiger, don't mind if I do. We should be amigos. After all we both have the same number of endorsement deals...which is none. In my case it's because, during a four day tournament, I'm guaranteed to blow up like the Hindenburg. For you it's because your love life has made you as toxic as a Chernobyl swimming pool. Nike only held on because your name was on more shit than Donald Trump. Let me pour you a drink.
Tiger: Yeah, you're right. After all, between us we have amassed fourteen Major Championships and ten PGA Player of the Year awards. Of course none of those were yours but hey, your career's not over..is it?
Sergio: Not by a long shot. And speaking of long shots you really hosed me on #2 at Sawgrass. I'm lucky I even hit the ball.
Tiger: Yeah sorry about that. But seriously if you could manage to hit a drive past the women's tees once in a while, you wouldn't have to hit first in the fairway. Jesus, my girlfriend Lindsey Vonn can hit it farther than you with a ski pole. Have another blast of this most excellent tequila.
Sergio: Don't mind if I do. So you admit you excited the crowd on purpose to screw up my shot?
Tiger: Shit yeah! You fold up like a cheap suit at the slightest distraction. Oh and by the way, as long as we're coming clean, I sort of bribed your caddy to replace your ball on #17 with a whiffle ball. You couldn't have gotten that shot over the water with a howitzer.
Sergio: Well as long as we're telling secrets, remember Thanksgiving night in 2009? When you fought with your wife and drove your Caddy (the car not the bag-carrier) into a hydrant?
Tiger: It would be hard to forget, why?
Sergio: Well the reason you lost control of the car might be because I disconnected the steering column from the wheels. Wow, when you hit that hydrant, water shooting everywhere, I about wet my $600 Bobby Jones pants. Have another drink.
Tiger: Cute Sergio. I suppose you'll tell me next that it was you who called my wife about my boning all those waitresses.
Sergio: Better than that. Two of those bimbos were my cousins. Not all the hookers in my family are golfers. Another drink mi amigo?
Tiger: You bet. Jesus, this is a lot to process. I certainly feel a bit better about some of the dirty tricks that I've played on you over the years.
Sergio: Like what?
Tiger: Well, remember the time you were held at customs in Orlando? That might be because someone called INS and reported that a "little Mexican carrying golf balls full of cocaine" was landing from Asia.
Sergio: But I'm from Madrid.
Tiger: Yeah tomatoes, tomaatos. You all look alike to an $11.00 an hour high school grad in a uniform. They held you for a day and a half as I recall.
Sergio: That's terrible. What else?
Tiger: Oh yeah, remember when you were dating Greg Norman's daughter Morgan-Leigh? Well I heard that someone told her you were gay. It was easy to convince her. After all you did go out with Martina Hingis the tennis player. Women's tennis has more lesbians that the will-call line at the Lilith Fair.
Sergio: Oh yeah! Well the next time that your ex wife lets you near your two kids, take a real good look. That's right Nike-boy, Sam and Charlie might as well be named Sergio Uno and Sergio Dos. That's not African American you're looking at. It's pure Castilian. It seemed that Elin preferred a bit of chorizo to that half-Asian spring roll you've been showing to every truck stop waitress and checkout clerk at Walmart. How did she put it "Tiger may have a great short game but his driver was strictly from limpsville."
Tiger: At least I have a wife paella-face. Word around the clubhouse is that you're hitting from both sides of the ball. You've been wearing pink knickers for years and telling anyone who asked that it was for breast cancer awareness. I heard that, in Spain, the sound of your zipper frightened the sheep across three counties.
Sergio: That's an ugly rumor started by Seve Ballesteros because I wouldn't let him date my sister.
Anyway the important thing is that all that animosity is behind us. We should make a deal: no more tweets or Facebook posting about each other.
Tiger: Are you sure that's what you want? If it wasn't for me, you'd be washing golf carts at some muni course in Barcelona. Our "feud" is the only thing keeping you in the golf conversation. Are you going to finish that last swallow of tequila?
Sergio: No you take it. Maybe you're right. Your cheap shots at me are the only thing that proves to fans that you weren't manufactured in some mocha golf factory. Face it! Most of the time you exhibit the personality of a bag of tees. It least regarding me you appear human...if a bit churlish. I guess we need each other. By the way, I drank a little too much of that tequila. I can't move my legs.
Tiger: Me neither. I guess we'll have to stay here a while. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I poured honey in Phil Michelson's golf bag? Well it was really hot and...
Thursday, May 23, 2013
... or are there more things in heaven and earth Heratio, than are dreamt of on Fox News?
Stuff that was zigging while you were zagging:
Item
A quick check of the "who gives a shit" meter reveals that American Idol has fired all of its "celebrity" judges. Pity. Now Keith Urban will have to go back to something he's good at, like getting coffee for his actually talented wife, Nicole Kidman. The rest can wander in "C" list purgatory wishing in vain that Hollywood Squares was still in business.
Item
A recent article in the paper (yes, Virginia, they still print them) mentioned Muslim fundamentalist trouble in the African country of Nigeria. Nothing to see here. Muslim troubles are as prevalent as cicadas in June ...and just as ugly. Anyway, of note in the article was the President of Nigeria whose name is Goodluck Jonathan. Considering the scarred history of Nigeria, the President's name seems more of a interjection than a proper noun. "Lotsaluck" Jonathan might have worked better. One imagines his successor will be Outaluck Harry or Yournotserious Cooper. Stay tuned for updates.
Item
In the "Oh no he didn't" file we have a movie theater manager who hired an actor to dress in tactical gear and weaponry and storm his theater during a screening of Iron Man 3. The manager, Bob Wilkins of Jefferson City, MO who apparently hasn't been keeping up with the mass shootings in Colorado, Massachusetts, etc, said "we had planned it for months and many were entertained". The fact that many were scared shitless has eluded Mr. Wilkins and his bosses. The theater has posted an apology on its Facebook Page. Whether they offered to reimburse patrons for severely soiled skivvies wasn't mentioned.
Which brings us to a related topic, namely:
Since when is an apology on your stupid Facebook page the "get out of jail free" card for every and any transgression? "Yes your honor. I know I scared the bejeebes out of hundreds of people and caused an attack of PTSD in one veteran (true) but after all, I apologized on Facebook." Justice will involve Facebook postings only on the day that said posting includes a photo of the offender, nude, holding a sign that reads "Please re-post this picture of the most clueless, insensitive jerk in Western America to all of your friends."
Item
Pope Francis, the first of that name, has ensured his place in the Guinness Book of World Records. Not content to create saints the old fashioned way, one at a time, Pope Francis is doing it by the batch. The Pontiff has canonized an entire 800 person town. No not Las Vegas. It seems that back in 1480 the town of Otranto, on the heel of the Italian boot, was invaded by the Ottoman Turks. They were on their way to Rome, but Otranto looked like a good place to stop for gas. Anyway, the Turkish admiral, Gedik Ahmet Pasa, offered the locals the option of becoming Muslims or becoming headless. Curiously, the citizenry chose the later. ( A stranger, happening on the gruesome scene the next day was heard to holler, "Que Pasa!"). Being without their heads it was impossible to compare dental records and the Vatican was forced to canonize the whole town, if somewhat posthumously. If praying to one saint can prompt miracles, imagine what praying to a town-full will accomplish. Goodbye cancer.
Item
OK please tell me why everyone from Macao to Beijing is laughing themselves sick over this beautifulerection edifice. The new headquarters of the newspaper The Peoples Daily, the Communist Party's main
propaganda machine stands proudly in downtown Beijing. The scaffolding at thetip top is a fitting reminder of how China views its place in the world, namely as a giant prick beacon. As the principal organ disseminater of Communist Party factspeak, the People's Daily has chosen this giant shaft as the symbol of the Party's committment to the people of the country. Bravo, China. You in the back, stop snickering.
Item
And, as long as we're doing architectural critique, can anyone tell me what this is:
Item
A quick check of the "who gives a shit" meter reveals that American Idol has fired all of its "celebrity" judges. Pity. Now Keith Urban will have to go back to something he's good at, like getting coffee for his actually talented wife, Nicole Kidman. The rest can wander in "C" list purgatory wishing in vain that Hollywood Squares was still in business.
Item
A recent article in the paper (yes, Virginia, they still print them) mentioned Muslim fundamentalist trouble in the African country of Nigeria. Nothing to see here. Muslim troubles are as prevalent as cicadas in June ...and just as ugly. Anyway, of note in the article was the President of Nigeria whose name is Goodluck Jonathan. Considering the scarred history of Nigeria, the President's name seems more of a interjection than a proper noun. "Lotsaluck" Jonathan might have worked better. One imagines his successor will be Outaluck Harry or Yournotserious Cooper. Stay tuned for updates.
Item
In the "Oh no he didn't" file we have a movie theater manager who hired an actor to dress in tactical gear and weaponry and storm his theater during a screening of Iron Man 3. The manager, Bob Wilkins of Jefferson City, MO who apparently hasn't been keeping up with the mass shootings in Colorado, Massachusetts, etc, said "we had planned it for months and many were entertained". The fact that many were scared shitless has eluded Mr. Wilkins and his bosses. The theater has posted an apology on its Facebook Page. Whether they offered to reimburse patrons for severely soiled skivvies wasn't mentioned.
Which brings us to a related topic, namely:
Since when is an apology on your stupid Facebook page the "get out of jail free" card for every and any transgression? "Yes your honor. I know I scared the bejeebes out of hundreds of people and caused an attack of PTSD in one veteran (true) but after all, I apologized on Facebook." Justice will involve Facebook postings only on the day that said posting includes a photo of the offender, nude, holding a sign that reads "Please re-post this picture of the most clueless, insensitive jerk in Western America to all of your friends."
Item
Pope Francis, the first of that name, has ensured his place in the Guinness Book of World Records. Not content to create saints the old fashioned way, one at a time, Pope Francis is doing it by the batch. The Pontiff has canonized an entire 800 person town. No not Las Vegas. It seems that back in 1480 the town of Otranto, on the heel of the Italian boot, was invaded by the Ottoman Turks. They were on their way to Rome, but Otranto looked like a good place to stop for gas. Anyway, the Turkish admiral, Gedik Ahmet Pasa, offered the locals the option of becoming Muslims or becoming headless. Curiously, the citizenry chose the later. ( A stranger, happening on the gruesome scene the next day was heard to holler, "Que Pasa!"). Being without their heads it was impossible to compare dental records and the Vatican was forced to canonize the whole town, if somewhat posthumously. If praying to one saint can prompt miracles, imagine what praying to a town-full will accomplish. Goodbye cancer.
Item
OK please tell me why everyone from Macao to Beijing is laughing themselves sick over this beautiful
propaganda machine stands proudly in downtown Beijing. The scaffolding at the
Item
And, as long as we're doing architectural critique, can anyone tell me what this is:
Your choices are:
1) A Klaus von Oldenburg sculpture outside the National Poultry Museum
2) The architectural answer to the philosophical question as to which came first.
3) The new basketball home for the Portland Pullets.
4) The early rendering of a statue of Karl Rove's head.
Wrong! Actually it is the model of the planned renovation of the Hirschhorn Museum of Sculpture in Washington DC. Known as the Bubble (catchy, eh?), the $15.5 million addition can be inflated for special events; such as accommodating Bill O'Reilly's ego. The board of directors of the museum are at odds over whether the Bubble is a good idea. The city fathers of Washington get it right most of the time (the WWII memorial and Martin Luthor King statue being the most recent sucesses). The Hirshhorn is part of the Smithsonian complex so the decision will be a big deal. Other government agencies have offered to help with ideas. The Defense Dept. has suggested that the Bubble could be used to store the country's supply of helium. CIA wants to install a device that will x-ray the contents of tourist's fanny packs. Oddly, the Dept of Agriculture has been silent. How very egg-estential!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
...or should elections be nullified if the combined IQ of the electorate totals less than three digits?
Was there ever anything more predictable than an election in South Carolina? The state that gave us such memorable treasures as the Civil War, Strom Thurmond and Bob Jones University has continued to provide to the world a sterling example of what happens when the inmates are allowed to vote on who runs the asylum. SC is a fortune teller's delight. Predicting the outcome of any election in South Carolina is easy; merely identify the rational, reasonable candidate with a briefcase full of integrity and a clear plan for the future... then pick the other guy.
Never was this localized mental illness more on display than in Tuesday's Congressional election to fill the seat of Tim Scot (R) who was tapped by Gov. Nikki Haley (R) to fill the Senate post left vacant by Jim DeMint (R). DeMint retired from the Senate to assume the leadership of the Heritage Foundation, a Washington think tank that hasn't had a non-conservative thought since candy bars were a nickel . And so the dominoes fall. Anyway, South Carolina law requires a special election in the case of a Congressional vacancy. Enter Mark Sanford: former governor of the state, former Congressman from South Carolina's 1st District. Also former disgraced governor, former almost impeached governor, and former and current philandering governor. (Believe me, if I could add anything to the Appalachian Trail jokes I would. Sadly that well is as dry as the one for Anthony Weiner. Well, maybe not. How about "If I'd known that the Appalachian trail led directly to the bedroom of some sizzling senorita, I'd have bought hiking boots years ago." OK I'm done. )
Sanford, having escaped criminal charges for his use of state funds to follow his heart (and his johnson) to Buenos Aries, was free to attempt a redemptive run for his old seat. Sanford was counting on two factors in the election: 1) In a fractured field of 16 candidates in the Republican primary, the goobers of his district would likely vote for the only name they could identify (or maybe spell) and, 2) once nominated, the good people of SC would vote for Dzokhar Tsarnaev before they'd elect any Democrat. And what do you know, he was right. Fifty-four percent of the electorate in the first district went to the polls and proudly declared that that would love to be represented by a family values candidate who used their tax dollars to start a new family. The fact that his old family was still in residence mattered not a whit. Hey, let he who is without sin...
Conveniently, Sanford was aided by the weak opposition on the Democratic side. His opponent was Elizabeth Colbert Busch whose brother Stephen hosts a popular anti-asshat TV show on Comedy Central. It is unlikely that Colbert's comedy was a factor in the race because his show competes for southern viewers with Bridezilla on Bravo and Roadkill Recipes on the Food Network. In any event no one south of Richmond understands satire anyway.
South Carolina proudly lists its official language as English. Interestingly, anyone who has asked directions from a South Carolina gas station attendant has reason to take issue with that proclamation. In any event the English words that have clearly eluded South Carolinians include: fraud, adultery, malfeasance in office, charlatan (that should have been easy. It sounds like Charleston.) and best of all hypocrite. Seriously Mark, you won the election. You proved that Abe Lincoln was right about fooling some of the people all of the time. You reminded America that you can't spell "nonsensical" without SC. However please, please don't tell us that God forgave you. God doesn't have that strong a stomach. God would have not have suggested that Sanford bring his Argentinian hot tomato to his victory speech. Mark, you were elected by a collection of extremist conservatives who went to the polls, put down their guns and bibles, held their noses and pulled a lever for the not-Democrat. Congratulations Mark but remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Never was this localized mental illness more on display than in Tuesday's Congressional election to fill the seat of Tim Scot (R) who was tapped by Gov. Nikki Haley (R) to fill the Senate post left vacant by Jim DeMint (R). DeMint retired from the Senate to assume the leadership of the Heritage Foundation, a Washington think tank that hasn't had a non-conservative thought since candy bars were a nickel . And so the dominoes fall. Anyway, South Carolina law requires a special election in the case of a Congressional vacancy. Enter Mark Sanford: former governor of the state, former Congressman from South Carolina's 1st District. Also former disgraced governor, former almost impeached governor, and former and current philandering governor. (Believe me, if I could add anything to the Appalachian Trail jokes I would. Sadly that well is as dry as the one for Anthony Weiner. Well, maybe not. How about "If I'd known that the Appalachian trail led directly to the bedroom of some sizzling senorita, I'd have bought hiking boots years ago." OK I'm done. )
Sanford, having escaped criminal charges for his use of state funds to follow his heart (and his johnson) to Buenos Aries, was free to attempt a redemptive run for his old seat. Sanford was counting on two factors in the election: 1) In a fractured field of 16 candidates in the Republican primary, the goobers of his district would likely vote for the only name they could identify (or maybe spell) and, 2) once nominated, the good people of SC would vote for Dzokhar Tsarnaev before they'd elect any Democrat. And what do you know, he was right. Fifty-four percent of the electorate in the first district went to the polls and proudly declared that that would love to be represented by a family values candidate who used their tax dollars to start a new family. The fact that his old family was still in residence mattered not a whit. Hey, let he who is without sin...
Conveniently, Sanford was aided by the weak opposition on the Democratic side. His opponent was Elizabeth Colbert Busch whose brother Stephen hosts a popular anti-asshat TV show on Comedy Central. It is unlikely that Colbert's comedy was a factor in the race because his show competes for southern viewers with Bridezilla on Bravo and Roadkill Recipes on the Food Network. In any event no one south of Richmond understands satire anyway.
South Carolina proudly lists its official language as English. Interestingly, anyone who has asked directions from a South Carolina gas station attendant has reason to take issue with that proclamation. In any event the English words that have clearly eluded South Carolinians include: fraud, adultery, malfeasance in office, charlatan (that should have been easy. It sounds like Charleston.) and best of all hypocrite. Seriously Mark, you won the election. You proved that Abe Lincoln was right about fooling some of the people all of the time. You reminded America that you can't spell "nonsensical" without SC. However please, please don't tell us that God forgave you. God doesn't have that strong a stomach. God would have not have suggested that Sanford bring his Argentinian hot tomato to his victory speech. Mark, you were elected by a collection of extremist conservatives who went to the polls, put down their guns and bibles, held their noses and pulled a lever for the not-Democrat. Congratulations Mark but remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
...or is stupid not only incurable but untreatable?
Paging Governor Jindal.
The man who suggested that Republicans stop treating stupidity as though it were an elective at Liberty University, must be hiding in the swamps of Louisiana. The following tidbits have been gleaned from the media in just the last few weeks. Please understand that I'm not making this stuff up. Actually you couldn't make this stuff up. Tragically, Americans are electing these people to make their laws. I wouldn't let these guys make me a gin and tonic.
Our first candidate for the "you couldn't be this dumb" award (also known as the Todd Akin Asshat Trophy) is Stacy Campfield, Republican member of the Tennessee Senate. In a recent interview with Sirius radio's Michelangelo Signorile, State Senator Campfield told the world "Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community. It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall. My understanding is that it's virtually - not completely but virtually impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex." There's more but I'm getting light headed. Mr. Campfield may have set the modern record for having crammed the most misinformation, hateful lies and just plain bullshit into just four sentences. Note: The former record holder was Dick Cheney in his discussion of the Iraq War.
Brother Stacy's "humping the chimps" theory is the natural outgrowth of a lifetime of gay-bashing. He has introduced countless anti-gay measures before both houses of the Tennessee legislature. He is famous for his "don't say gay" laws which forbid the mention of homosexuality in public schools. He has proposed that students' questions regarding gays be answered only privately by teachers and then reported to the student's parents. (If the teachers in Tennessee are as poorly informed as Mr. Campfield, perhaps they should avoid the subject altogether.) Campfield is a product of Regents College, whose mascot is a caveman riding a tyrannosaurus rex. These people think the Flintstones is a documentary. (Thank you, Louis Black.) Mr. Campfield apparently thinks that the Almighty put him on the earth to smite the mo's. Nevertheless, I'll eat my computer if old Stacy doesn't have a few silk kimonos tucked away in his closet. Guys who yell this loud are positively hiding a drawer full of satin thongs. Don't get in an accident, Senator Campfield.
Next on our dais is the Republican National Committee, fresh from their spring meeting in Los Angeles. The RNC met in LA so that they could spend a few days trying to peddle their message to the Hollywood crowd. As you may have noticed, the ranks of celebrities who support the GOP is a bit thin on the ground. Aside from stand-up comedians Dennis Miller and Clint Eastwood, the majority of the film industry heavies lean more to the left. Thus far the effort has been disappointing. Converts thusfar include the "Can you hear me now?" guy from the Verizon ads and two of the chorus boys from the "Springtime For Hitler" number in The Producers.
Perhaps the effort to woo the movie folk would be more successful if the RNC didn't insist on the circular firing squad approach to social policy. During their recent meeting they bravely passed a resolution reaffirming their commitment to the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman. WOW! talk about a bold step to broaden the base. Who says the RNC is a bunch of crabby old white men? These guys are visionaries. They might even be ready to repeal prohibition, or condemn segregation.
This isn't your father's Republican Party. It's more like your great grandfather's Republican Party. Why would a political organization, especially one with calcification issues, take a wholly unnecessary position on an issue clearly trending in the other direction? The Committee was apparently frightened by social conservatives who threatened to abandon the Party if the members showed any softening on this issue. (The conservatives contacted the RNC using their rotary-dial phones and parchment stationary. None of that new-fangled tech stuff for them.)
The RNC was sufficiently impressed by the threat that they produced not one but three resolutions on the subject: They reaffirmed the RNC's support for heterosexual marriage; they then urged the Supreme Court to uphold the federal Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8, California's homophobic gay marriage ban; (Fortunately, this petition is expected to have the same effect as petitioning the moon to orbit the earth more quickly.); and finally they reconfirmed the "core values" of their 2012 platform that served Mitt Romney so well. This last resolution was championed by Michigan's Dave Agema. Dave caused a stir when he posted a note on his Facebook page referencing the "filthy lifestyle of homosexuals. I can't decide which is more shocking: that this asshat has a Facebook page or that he knows any homosexuals at all let alone filthy ones. All the gays I know are fanatical neat freaks.
Who says you can't polish a turd? The RNC is proving that the best way forward is to go backward. You have to admire rats swimming toward a sinking ship. There's a lot less traffic going in their direction. Still it's difficult to understand how the Republicans expect to win the political races in 2014 and 2016 if they insist on shooting themselves in the foot with the starter's pistol. Their original mantra of low taxes and small government still has appeal. However, if you insist on shovelling manure on your message in the hope that it will grow, don't be surprised if the smell drives potential converts away. Remember, the Obama-haters will be neutralize in 2016 and those old white men that make up your base are leaving with greater and greater frequency to join a new group, namely the choir invisible (aka, the dead). Note to Rance Priebus: resolutions in defence of marriage don't make you look principled... they make you look ossified...sort of like Clint Eastwood.
And finally, what listing of dumb Republicans would be complete without a word or two from East Texas? That delightful slice of America that brought you Louie Gomert has also contributed Steve Stockman. Determined to look every bit as clueless as his brother East Texas Republicans, Steve has authored a new bumper sticker, to wit, "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted". Pretty hard to argue with that logic. It is expected that the Congressman will receive considerable campaign contributions from the "Firearms For Fetuses" organization and the unborn wing of the NRA. Mr. Stockman has not made it clear exactly how he plans to smuggle weapons into America's wombs but the guns will need to be really small. Seriously, is there the slightest chance that Mexico would consider annexing East Texas? We could promise to take the drug cartels. I honestly believe they would do less harm.
The man who suggested that Republicans stop treating stupidity as though it were an elective at Liberty University, must be hiding in the swamps of Louisiana. The following tidbits have been gleaned from the media in just the last few weeks. Please understand that I'm not making this stuff up. Actually you couldn't make this stuff up. Tragically, Americans are electing these people to make their laws. I wouldn't let these guys make me a gin and tonic.
Our first candidate for the "you couldn't be this dumb" award (also known as the Todd Akin Asshat Trophy) is Stacy Campfield, Republican member of the Tennessee Senate. In a recent interview with Sirius radio's Michelangelo Signorile, State Senator Campfield told the world "Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community. It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall. My understanding is that it's virtually - not completely but virtually impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex." There's more but I'm getting light headed. Mr. Campfield may have set the modern record for having crammed the most misinformation, hateful lies and just plain bullshit into just four sentences. Note: The former record holder was Dick Cheney in his discussion of the Iraq War.
Brother Stacy's "humping the chimps" theory is the natural outgrowth of a lifetime of gay-bashing. He has introduced countless anti-gay measures before both houses of the Tennessee legislature. He is famous for his "don't say gay" laws which forbid the mention of homosexuality in public schools. He has proposed that students' questions regarding gays be answered only privately by teachers and then reported to the student's parents. (If the teachers in Tennessee are as poorly informed as Mr. Campfield, perhaps they should avoid the subject altogether.) Campfield is a product of Regents College, whose mascot is a caveman riding a tyrannosaurus rex. These people think the Flintstones is a documentary. (Thank you, Louis Black.) Mr. Campfield apparently thinks that the Almighty put him on the earth to smite the mo's. Nevertheless, I'll eat my computer if old Stacy doesn't have a few silk kimonos tucked away in his closet. Guys who yell this loud are positively hiding a drawer full of satin thongs. Don't get in an accident, Senator Campfield.
Next on our dais is the Republican National Committee, fresh from their spring meeting in Los Angeles. The RNC met in LA so that they could spend a few days trying to peddle their message to the Hollywood crowd. As you may have noticed, the ranks of celebrities who support the GOP is a bit thin on the ground. Aside from stand-up comedians Dennis Miller and Clint Eastwood, the majority of the film industry heavies lean more to the left. Thus far the effort has been disappointing. Converts thusfar include the "Can you hear me now?" guy from the Verizon ads and two of the chorus boys from the "Springtime For Hitler" number in The Producers.
Perhaps the effort to woo the movie folk would be more successful if the RNC didn't insist on the circular firing squad approach to social policy. During their recent meeting they bravely passed a resolution reaffirming their commitment to the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman. WOW! talk about a bold step to broaden the base. Who says the RNC is a bunch of crabby old white men? These guys are visionaries. They might even be ready to repeal prohibition, or condemn segregation.
This isn't your father's Republican Party. It's more like your great grandfather's Republican Party. Why would a political organization, especially one with calcification issues, take a wholly unnecessary position on an issue clearly trending in the other direction? The Committee was apparently frightened by social conservatives who threatened to abandon the Party if the members showed any softening on this issue. (The conservatives contacted the RNC using their rotary-dial phones and parchment stationary. None of that new-fangled tech stuff for them.)
The RNC was sufficiently impressed by the threat that they produced not one but three resolutions on the subject: They reaffirmed the RNC's support for heterosexual marriage; they then urged the Supreme Court to uphold the federal Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8, California's homophobic gay marriage ban; (Fortunately, this petition is expected to have the same effect as petitioning the moon to orbit the earth more quickly.); and finally they reconfirmed the "core values" of their 2012 platform that served Mitt Romney so well. This last resolution was championed by Michigan's Dave Agema. Dave caused a stir when he posted a note on his Facebook page referencing the "filthy lifestyle of homosexuals. I can't decide which is more shocking: that this asshat has a Facebook page or that he knows any homosexuals at all let alone filthy ones. All the gays I know are fanatical neat freaks.
Who says you can't polish a turd? The RNC is proving that the best way forward is to go backward. You have to admire rats swimming toward a sinking ship. There's a lot less traffic going in their direction. Still it's difficult to understand how the Republicans expect to win the political races in 2014 and 2016 if they insist on shooting themselves in the foot with the starter's pistol. Their original mantra of low taxes and small government still has appeal. However, if you insist on shovelling manure on your message in the hope that it will grow, don't be surprised if the smell drives potential converts away. Remember, the Obama-haters will be neutralize in 2016 and those old white men that make up your base are leaving with greater and greater frequency to join a new group, namely the choir invisible (aka, the dead). Note to Rance Priebus: resolutions in defence of marriage don't make you look principled... they make you look ossified...sort of like Clint Eastwood.
And finally, what listing of dumb Republicans would be complete without a word or two from East Texas? That delightful slice of America that brought you Louie Gomert has also contributed Steve Stockman. Determined to look every bit as clueless as his brother East Texas Republicans, Steve has authored a new bumper sticker, to wit, "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted". Pretty hard to argue with that logic. It is expected that the Congressman will receive considerable campaign contributions from the "Firearms For Fetuses" organization and the unborn wing of the NRA. Mr. Stockman has not made it clear exactly how he plans to smuggle weapons into America's wombs but the guns will need to be really small. Seriously, is there the slightest chance that Mexico would consider annexing East Texas? We could promise to take the drug cartels. I honestly believe they would do less harm.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
...or will the continuing discussion of guns and gun control cause many people to use one on themselves?
Anyone remember attending a business meeting in say, 1977? What do you remember? Well, it was mostly men and, eight out of ten were smoking. And God help the prig in the room who suggested that those eight smokers put the smokes out. Smoking was as much a part of the culture as martinis at lunch and gas-guzzling cars. Smoking was permitted everywhere: in stores, banks, phone booths even in hospitals. All of our heroes smoked. James Bond liked Turkish cigs. Johnny Carson smoked on the Tonight Show. The point is that smoking was as ingrained in the American way of life as television and cell phones are today. So how did that change? It changed slowly and culturally.
So now let's talk about guns.
First we should clear away some of the silly rhetoric associated with this issue:
1) "Laws won't stop mass killings like Sandy Hook" True but irrelevant. Gun laws like mandatory background checks and assault weapons bans will have no effect on criminal behavior or the irrational acts of the mentally disturbed. Those laws might, however, make it just a little bit harder for crazies to kill people. So where's the harm?
2) "The Second Amendment is clear and absolute regarding gun ownership." Hogwash. There are exceptions and modifications to all of the Constitutional Amendments. You have free speech but you can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater. You have press freedom but child pornography is illegal. Ask George W. Bush how he feels about the rules on search and seizure having signed and implemented the Patriot Act. We interpret the Bill of Rights for good or ill all the time and those interpretations inform our understanding of Constitutional amendments.
3) "Law abiding citizens own the majority of guns and they shouldn't have their rights interfered with in any way." Nonsense. We interfere with "law-abiding citizens" all the time. (BTW, please ask the NRA to stop referring to gun owning "law-abiding citizens" like they were oppressed saints. Owning a gun lawfully does not confer some sort of knighthood.) You need a driver's license and insurance to operate a motor vehicle. In many states you must wear a helmet to drive a motorcycle. Seatbelts are mandatory. Hunting and fishing licenses are needed in many areas to hunt and fish. The idea that a gun is sacrosanct and should therefore be restriction-free is misguided and perverse.
4) "Gun laws will not stop criminals from obtaining and using guns" True but who cares? Criminals will always be able to get guns in the same way that drug users will find ways to get drugs. We should not be concerned about the victims of crime so much as we should be concerned about the victims of accidents and suicides. Forget Sandy Hook. Forget Aurora, Colorado. How many children are killed each year in accidental shootings and how many would it take before the NRA stopped posturing? How many suicides would be prevented if the tortured souls, bent on self destruction had tried to kill themselves with a less guaranteed method? Now weigh these tragedies against the supposed inconvenience of gun-owning citizens.
5) "Guns in your house will make you safer" Really? For every one time a gun is used in home defence there are: 7 assaults or murders, 11 suicide attempts and 4 accidents involving guns in or around the home.
Guns kill because guns are handy; not to muggers or burglars but to despondent fathers who kill their families. They're available to troubled teenagers who are tired of being bullied; to jilted lovers with "no reason to live". How many thousands of lives would have been spared if there wasn't a gun available to settle a dispute, express a rage or permanently stop an unbearable anguish? Guns kill children because, when found in the home, they present the same fascination as matches. And comparing guns to knifes or hammers as potential deadly weapons is ludicrous. Guns are a single purpose tool. They exist only to kill.
N.B. While I was writing this, a six year old in New Jersey died after being shot by a four-year-old on Tuesday. Are you listening Mr. LaPierre?
Whatever perverse genome exists in American DNA (no other culture or nationality seems to have it) must be identified and modified. We must begin to treat gun ownership as out of the main stream. The question "why would you own a gun?" must carry the same social disapproval as asking "why would you still smoke?" or "Why are you so quick to slap your child?" We don't want to take away your "right" to own a gun, only your desire. A person wearing a pistol into a bar in Fort Worth should be subject to ridicule (but perhaps with a bit of circumspection). A proponent of personal armories in their basements should be viewed with the same derision as someone hoarding Twinkies. Virtually all of the civilized world views America's obsession with guns as aberrant behavior. Why don't we?
You know in your heart that, confronted with a mugger or a burglar you are not going to shoot your way out. You're just not. A few hours of training will not qualify you to do anything more than put up your hands and allow the thief to steal and sell another gun...yours. A woman in Ft. Worth shot and killed an intruder who, as it turns out, was at the wrong house. Perfectly legal except one man, 29 years old, is dead and one woman will have to live with the shooting on her conscience. Had she been unarmed she would have suffered no more than a serious scare and the intruder might have spent a few hours in a cell. This probably wouldn't have happened in Italy or Poland or Japan. If we don't abandon the gunfighter, macho, frontiersman notion that gun ownership equals home security, we will continue to kills thousands every year almost all, unnecessarily. Guns don't kill people, stupid, myopic, misguided gun-rights nuts kill people...and they kill a lot of them.
So now let's talk about guns.
First we should clear away some of the silly rhetoric associated with this issue:
1) "Laws won't stop mass killings like Sandy Hook" True but irrelevant. Gun laws like mandatory background checks and assault weapons bans will have no effect on criminal behavior or the irrational acts of the mentally disturbed. Those laws might, however, make it just a little bit harder for crazies to kill people. So where's the harm?
2) "The Second Amendment is clear and absolute regarding gun ownership." Hogwash. There are exceptions and modifications to all of the Constitutional Amendments. You have free speech but you can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater. You have press freedom but child pornography is illegal. Ask George W. Bush how he feels about the rules on search and seizure having signed and implemented the Patriot Act. We interpret the Bill of Rights for good or ill all the time and those interpretations inform our understanding of Constitutional amendments.
3) "Law abiding citizens own the majority of guns and they shouldn't have their rights interfered with in any way." Nonsense. We interfere with "law-abiding citizens" all the time. (BTW, please ask the NRA to stop referring to gun owning "law-abiding citizens" like they were oppressed saints. Owning a gun lawfully does not confer some sort of knighthood.) You need a driver's license and insurance to operate a motor vehicle. In many states you must wear a helmet to drive a motorcycle. Seatbelts are mandatory. Hunting and fishing licenses are needed in many areas to hunt and fish. The idea that a gun is sacrosanct and should therefore be restriction-free is misguided and perverse.
4) "Gun laws will not stop criminals from obtaining and using guns" True but who cares? Criminals will always be able to get guns in the same way that drug users will find ways to get drugs. We should not be concerned about the victims of crime so much as we should be concerned about the victims of accidents and suicides. Forget Sandy Hook. Forget Aurora, Colorado. How many children are killed each year in accidental shootings and how many would it take before the NRA stopped posturing? How many suicides would be prevented if the tortured souls, bent on self destruction had tried to kill themselves with a less guaranteed method? Now weigh these tragedies against the supposed inconvenience of gun-owning citizens.
5) "Guns in your house will make you safer" Really? For every one time a gun is used in home defence there are: 7 assaults or murders, 11 suicide attempts and 4 accidents involving guns in or around the home.
Guns kill because guns are handy; not to muggers or burglars but to despondent fathers who kill their families. They're available to troubled teenagers who are tired of being bullied; to jilted lovers with "no reason to live". How many thousands of lives would have been spared if there wasn't a gun available to settle a dispute, express a rage or permanently stop an unbearable anguish? Guns kill children because, when found in the home, they present the same fascination as matches. And comparing guns to knifes or hammers as potential deadly weapons is ludicrous. Guns are a single purpose tool. They exist only to kill.
N.B. While I was writing this, a six year old in New Jersey died after being shot by a four-year-old on Tuesday. Are you listening Mr. LaPierre?
Whatever perverse genome exists in American DNA (no other culture or nationality seems to have it) must be identified and modified. We must begin to treat gun ownership as out of the main stream. The question "why would you own a gun?" must carry the same social disapproval as asking "why would you still smoke?" or "Why are you so quick to slap your child?" We don't want to take away your "right" to own a gun, only your desire. A person wearing a pistol into a bar in Fort Worth should be subject to ridicule (but perhaps with a bit of circumspection). A proponent of personal armories in their basements should be viewed with the same derision as someone hoarding Twinkies. Virtually all of the civilized world views America's obsession with guns as aberrant behavior. Why don't we?
You know in your heart that, confronted with a mugger or a burglar you are not going to shoot your way out. You're just not. A few hours of training will not qualify you to do anything more than put up your hands and allow the thief to steal and sell another gun...yours. A woman in Ft. Worth shot and killed an intruder who, as it turns out, was at the wrong house. Perfectly legal except one man, 29 years old, is dead and one woman will have to live with the shooting on her conscience. Had she been unarmed she would have suffered no more than a serious scare and the intruder might have spent a few hours in a cell. This probably wouldn't have happened in Italy or Poland or Japan. If we don't abandon the gunfighter, macho, frontiersman notion that gun ownership equals home security, we will continue to kills thousands every year almost all, unnecessarily. Guns don't kill people, stupid, myopic, misguided gun-rights nuts kill people...and they kill a lot of them.
Saturday, April 06, 2013
...or could white smoke at the Vatican be a warning that the house is on fire?
We have a Pope.
He's a white male over 75. He was elected by 117 Cardinals who were appointed by either John Paul II or Benedict XVI. His views on social issues are well documented. He is conservative enough to run for Congress in any one of six East Texas districts. So, because the election took place around Passover, I am reminded of that famous Seder question "Why is this night different from all others"? Answer; it's not. Aside from the speed with which the Cardinals made a decision there's not much new here. (I am reliably informed that the decision was made urgently what with more than 100 old men forced to share a bathroom.) And after all, Cardinal Bergoglio was runner-up to Benedict XVI in 2005 (It seems that Cardinal Bergoglio was leading, until the tricky talent competition when he dropped his crosier.)
Seriously, Francis I is as likely to bring the Church into this century as Rick Santorum is to marry his mailman. It's mystifying that the election of every pope (I've seen six so far) is followed by a wave of unwarranted expectation for change. Commentators and journalists busy themselves for hours reading the tea leaves for clues as to what steps the new Pontiff might take to improve Catholicism. "He took the bus to work and lived in a modest apartment in Buenos Aires"; "he's a Jesuit, he's never worked in Rome, he has never had his mind warped by that viper's den that is the Roman Curia." Well, pardon my Latin but BFD!
The greatest irony in Catholicism was the sight of nuns weeping openly in Vatican Square when the new Vicar of Christ was announced. I can only guess they're crying over their continued pitiful treatment at the hands of the geezers in the red beanies; a plight that's likely to change around the same time that openly gay priests will be allowed to marry...each other.
Watching the Church deal with its shrinking flock and legal nightmares is like watching the Republicans attempting to fix their issues. The only difference between them is membership. The Church has 1.2 billion. The RNC has 34. (The same number that regularly attend Mass in France.) Before you can fix a problem, you have to admit you have one. The bishops and cardinals in Rome have convinced themselves that issues like child molestation are isolated incidents blown out of proportion by a hostile, secular press. Why does a religion that places such a premium on contrition have such trouble admitting its own sins? When your best defense is that the percentage of priests who are child abusers is about the same as for the population as a whole, you don't need a new pope you need Dr. Phil.
The Catholic Church needs transparency. They don't have to change their policy on married priests (God forbid) but what would it hurt to have a public conversation? No one is expecting a synod of bishops to debate the virginity of Mary but why would it be a problem to have one regarding women priests? At the end of the day at least people would understand the Church's objections. When your answer to every controversy is "Because we say so" you drive Catholics away in droves. This isn't the twelfth century. The good old days days of Tomas de Torcuemada and his creative methods of persuasion are over. The time of rewarding dissent with a trip to the Protestant barbecue pit are done. The Church needs more than threats and fear. They need to respond to a congregation that's educated, logical and less impressed by Roman collars than in generations past.
Francis is a Jesuit and the Jebs are educators with a deep respect for inquiring minds. Perhaps this Pope will treat the Catholics of the 21st century with the intellectual respect they deserve. Hey, it could happen.
He's a white male over 75. He was elected by 117 Cardinals who were appointed by either John Paul II or Benedict XVI. His views on social issues are well documented. He is conservative enough to run for Congress in any one of six East Texas districts. So, because the election took place around Passover, I am reminded of that famous Seder question "Why is this night different from all others"? Answer; it's not. Aside from the speed with which the Cardinals made a decision there's not much new here. (I am reliably informed that the decision was made urgently what with more than 100 old men forced to share a bathroom.) And after all, Cardinal Bergoglio was runner-up to Benedict XVI in 2005 (It seems that Cardinal Bergoglio was leading, until the tricky talent competition when he dropped his crosier.)
Seriously, Francis I is as likely to bring the Church into this century as Rick Santorum is to marry his mailman. It's mystifying that the election of every pope (I've seen six so far) is followed by a wave of unwarranted expectation for change. Commentators and journalists busy themselves for hours reading the tea leaves for clues as to what steps the new Pontiff might take to improve Catholicism. "He took the bus to work and lived in a modest apartment in Buenos Aires"; "he's a Jesuit, he's never worked in Rome, he has never had his mind warped by that viper's den that is the Roman Curia." Well, pardon my Latin but BFD!
The greatest irony in Catholicism was the sight of nuns weeping openly in Vatican Square when the new Vicar of Christ was announced. I can only guess they're crying over their continued pitiful treatment at the hands of the geezers in the red beanies; a plight that's likely to change around the same time that openly gay priests will be allowed to marry...each other.
Watching the Church deal with its shrinking flock and legal nightmares is like watching the Republicans attempting to fix their issues. The only difference between them is membership. The Church has 1.2 billion. The RNC has 34. (The same number that regularly attend Mass in France.) Before you can fix a problem, you have to admit you have one. The bishops and cardinals in Rome have convinced themselves that issues like child molestation are isolated incidents blown out of proportion by a hostile, secular press. Why does a religion that places such a premium on contrition have such trouble admitting its own sins? When your best defense is that the percentage of priests who are child abusers is about the same as for the population as a whole, you don't need a new pope you need Dr. Phil.
The Catholic Church needs transparency. They don't have to change their policy on married priests (God forbid) but what would it hurt to have a public conversation? No one is expecting a synod of bishops to debate the virginity of Mary but why would it be a problem to have one regarding women priests? At the end of the day at least people would understand the Church's objections. When your answer to every controversy is "Because we say so" you drive Catholics away in droves. This isn't the twelfth century. The good old days days of Tomas de Torcuemada and his creative methods of persuasion are over. The time of rewarding dissent with a trip to the Protestant barbecue pit are done. The Church needs more than threats and fear. They need to respond to a congregation that's educated, logical and less impressed by Roman collars than in generations past.
Francis is a Jesuit and the Jebs are educators with a deep respect for inquiring minds. Perhaps this Pope will treat the Catholics of the 21st century with the intellectual respect they deserve. Hey, it could happen.
Friday, April 05, 2013
...or are states controlled by Republicans trying to look like North Korea only with better haircuts?
Really, I get the "low taxes, small government" argument. I do. Your Department of Defense wastes 80 billion in cost overruns every year. Both parties spend too much. Congress and the federal government are merely training grounds for lobbyists and corporate spin doctors. The will of the people is thwarted every day by professional politicians more focused on re-election than why they were elected. (See: "lack of action on gun registration.") The Republican Party has a valuable role in curbing the profligate nature of Democrats who often believe that the federal purse is the answer to everything.
However, rather than govern or legislate, Republicans have continued to propose and pass state laws designed exclusively to pander to the dumbest, most reactionary of their constituents. Note: Please , if you can point to one,just one, Democratically controlled statehouse guilty of passing goofy laws like these I'll gladly offer equal time and equal ink. A few of these laws are noted below:
1) The Old Dominion of Virginia is facing a gubernatorial race in November. The leading candidate for the GOP is State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli. Kenny is a Roman Catholic, tea party zealot who has spent his four year term trying to: 1) prohibit abortions in the state, 2) repeal National Healthcare, 3) block immigration reform, 4) encourage discrimination against gays, 5) discredit climate science. That's one busy asshat!
Cuccinelli has recently filed a petition to uphold Virginia's anti-sodomy law. Laws like this have been deemed unconstitutional for ten years. In 2003 the Court told Texas they had no right deciding who puts what where as long as the players were consenting adults. Apparently Cuch isn't buying what the Supremes are selling. Playing to his Christian friends in Roanoke "Missionary Ken" is determined to be the anti-blowjob candidate. I'm sure his anti-LGTB stance played no part in his position.
2) The great state of North Carolina, not to be outdone, has decided that "the Constitution be damned". Ten state legislators have proposed a law which (are you ready?) would allow North Carolina to establish a state religion. Unfazed by details like the First Amendment, these glue-sniffers think that the federal government has no power over them. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't we discuss this very issue from 1861 to 1865? I know I read that somewhere. So, even if this passes the legislature in N. Carolina, it's DOA in DC. The only reason for even proposing this is to give the finger to the federal government and look tough to the corn-cobbers in Durham. BTW any guesses as to the religion of choice? Islam? Buddhism?
Again, if you know of a comparable Democratically sponsored bill, tell me.
And then there's South Carolina, ever in a world all its own The Palmetto State is listed here, not because of any legislative turdblossoms but because GOP voters have decided they just can't get enough of that Appalachian Asshat, Mark Sanford. Yes folks, SC's disgraced former governor barely deplaned from Argentina with his hot new South American fiancee (aka the bimbo in Buenos Aires) before announcing his candidacy for the U.S. Congress. Naturally, the good people of the First District, never ones to hold a grudge, said "Sure, why not?" Remember, Sanford only left the governor's mansion in 2011, eighteen months after he was outed as a cad. He will return to Congress as the current recipient of the David Vetter Rehabilitated Swordsman Award given to legislators who, having been caught with their pants down, have survived and prospered. God may forgive sins but the GOP is aces when it comes to forgiving sinners. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord and pass the condoms.
These legislative misdemeanors are only the most recent and egregious missteps by the Republicans and their teabagger minions. Not listed here are the states lining up to suppress voter turnout by demanding photo ID at the polls. (Ten states and counting.) Also unlisted are the states rushing to pass any crazy gun law that looks like an F You to Washington's efforts to curb gun violence. Add in North Dakota and its draconian new abortion law and you get a vivid picture of the tone of governance rampant in states run by teabaggers.
True, Maryland has just eliminated the death penalty, extended social benefits to illegals and severely restricted the sale and possession of firearms but these "liberal" laws do no harm and in fact attempt to do good. (Texas, by the way, has offered to execute Maryland's capital criminals if "Maryland is too woosie to do it themselves") There is no meanness afoot in Maryland as there is across the Potomac. No one in Maryland is trying to force their brand of religion or morals on its citizens. The answer to Newtown, CT and Aurora, CO may not be harsher gun laws but it certainly isn't more guns.
So while the legislatures of states like Virginia, North Dakota and North Carolina continue hissy-fits to rebel against federal authority, let's try to have a little patience. A reckoning is coming. Our Latin brothers are on the rise and on the march. Before too long the legislatures of Georgia and Texas; of Kansas and Arizona will thrill to the refrain "...all in favor of the bill on the floor, please signify by saying 'Si".
However, rather than govern or legislate, Republicans have continued to propose and pass state laws designed exclusively to pander to the dumbest, most reactionary of their constituents. Note: Please , if you can point to one,just one, Democratically controlled statehouse guilty of passing goofy laws like these I'll gladly offer equal time and equal ink. A few of these laws are noted below:
1) The Old Dominion of Virginia is facing a gubernatorial race in November. The leading candidate for the GOP is State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli. Kenny is a Roman Catholic, tea party zealot who has spent his four year term trying to: 1) prohibit abortions in the state, 2) repeal National Healthcare, 3) block immigration reform, 4) encourage discrimination against gays, 5) discredit climate science. That's one busy asshat!
Cuccinelli has recently filed a petition to uphold Virginia's anti-sodomy law. Laws like this have been deemed unconstitutional for ten years. In 2003 the Court told Texas they had no right deciding who puts what where as long as the players were consenting adults. Apparently Cuch isn't buying what the Supremes are selling. Playing to his Christian friends in Roanoke "Missionary Ken" is determined to be the anti-blowjob candidate. I'm sure his anti-LGTB stance played no part in his position.
2) The great state of North Carolina, not to be outdone, has decided that "the Constitution be damned". Ten state legislators have proposed a law which (are you ready?) would allow North Carolina to establish a state religion. Unfazed by details like the First Amendment, these glue-sniffers think that the federal government has no power over them. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't we discuss this very issue from 1861 to 1865? I know I read that somewhere. So, even if this passes the legislature in N. Carolina, it's DOA in DC. The only reason for even proposing this is to give the finger to the federal government and look tough to the corn-cobbers in Durham. BTW any guesses as to the religion of choice? Islam? Buddhism?
Again, if you know of a comparable Democratically sponsored bill, tell me.
And then there's South Carolina, ever in a world all its own The Palmetto State is listed here, not because of any legislative turdblossoms but because GOP voters have decided they just can't get enough of that Appalachian Asshat, Mark Sanford. Yes folks, SC's disgraced former governor barely deplaned from Argentina with his hot new South American fiancee (aka the bimbo in Buenos Aires) before announcing his candidacy for the U.S. Congress. Naturally, the good people of the First District, never ones to hold a grudge, said "Sure, why not?" Remember, Sanford only left the governor's mansion in 2011, eighteen months after he was outed as a cad. He will return to Congress as the current recipient of the David Vetter Rehabilitated Swordsman Award given to legislators who, having been caught with their pants down, have survived and prospered. God may forgive sins but the GOP is aces when it comes to forgiving sinners. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord and pass the condoms.
These legislative misdemeanors are only the most recent and egregious missteps by the Republicans and their teabagger minions. Not listed here are the states lining up to suppress voter turnout by demanding photo ID at the polls. (Ten states and counting.) Also unlisted are the states rushing to pass any crazy gun law that looks like an F You to Washington's efforts to curb gun violence. Add in North Dakota and its draconian new abortion law and you get a vivid picture of the tone of governance rampant in states run by teabaggers.
True, Maryland has just eliminated the death penalty, extended social benefits to illegals and severely restricted the sale and possession of firearms but these "liberal" laws do no harm and in fact attempt to do good. (Texas, by the way, has offered to execute Maryland's capital criminals if "Maryland is too woosie to do it themselves") There is no meanness afoot in Maryland as there is across the Potomac. No one in Maryland is trying to force their brand of religion or morals on its citizens. The answer to Newtown, CT and Aurora, CO may not be harsher gun laws but it certainly isn't more guns.
So while the legislatures of states like Virginia, North Dakota and North Carolina continue hissy-fits to rebel against federal authority, let's try to have a little patience. A reckoning is coming. Our Latin brothers are on the rise and on the march. Before too long the legislatures of Georgia and Texas; of Kansas and Arizona will thrill to the refrain "...all in favor of the bill on the floor, please signify by saying 'Si".
Monday, February 18, 2013
or would we all like to know how to say "you can take this job and shove it" in Latin?
Aside from Dan Brown who can hardly wait to twist the Papal resignation into a new vehicle for Tom Hanks, I can't see why all the fuss over the announcement that Joe Ratzinger a.k.a. Benedict XVI is retiring. It's not like he's Tony Bennett. The guy is 85 and looks every day of it. Look, if you can't keep your head up while wearing the papal crown, you should probably take it off. John Paul II waited too long and ended up looking like his neck wasn't attached to his head. (What...too soon?)
Anyway, the charming fact is that the only way the Pope was able to get anyone in America or Western Europe to pay any attention to him was to quit. Prior to his resignation he was as relevant as Paul McCartney who also hasn't produced anything noteworthy in 30 years.
Benedict leaves the Vatican (do you suppose he walks out the gate like Jake Blues leaving prison in the Blues Brothers?) in a terrible mess. Americans attend Mass with the frequency with which they pay their taxes...and with as much joy. Joke: St. Mary's Catholic Church was having a problem with squirrels in the attic. Nothing worked to get rid of them until Father O'Brien had an idea. He had all the squirrels baptised as Catholics. Now they only show up on Christmas and Easter. In Europe, even in ostensibly Catholic countries like Spain and Italy, the average age of the people at Mass on Sunday is AARP+25. If not for tourists many churches would be abandoned. (Did you ever notice that while traveling in Europe you will make it a point to visit every church you see but at home you would never check out a church in say Toledo or Baltimore? Why is that?)
Clearly, people don't feel the need to attend services in a church that doesn't appear to like them or relate to them. When 90% of Catholics practice birth control (the other 10% are either pregnant, infertile, or are dating Donald Trump) you have a disconnect. When the faithful hold moderate views on married priests, women priests and even abortion while the hierarchy and the clergy cling to attitudes made popular during the Middle Ages, you have a disengaged flock. The bishops in Rome are like the teaparty but with sillier hats. It's the reformation of the bored. Catholics just don't find anything in the church that speaks to them although there are many in the pulpit speaking at them.
Then we have the issue of child abuse and the incredibly tone-deaf way the church has dealt (or not dealt) with the aftermath. This issue isn't going away any time soon but a little candor and a lot of compassion might have made Rome look a little less Fagen and a little more like the paragon of morality they profess to be. My old teacher, "Bald" Bill Carney, OSA use to say "you can't claim to have a clean house if you hide the garbage cans under the piano". The church can't do much about the horrific decisions that were made by bishops and cardinals in the 40's and 50's but that can sure as hell make the records public and "out" every predator priest and enabling pastor and bishop. In the process of trying to protect one or two felons the church has sacrificed every bit of good will they had on the altar of obfuscation. As any apartment dweller in Manhattan will tell you, when you see one bug, there are most certainly others.
The cluelessness of the Vatican was never more on display than when the cardinals met in conclave following the death of John Paul II. In fairly short order, they elected to the papacy the one man most responsible for the cloak of secrecy that surrounded their dirty little sin of pederasty. Joseph Ratzinger was rewarded by the College of Cardinals for keeping the biggest scandal since the Borgias as contained as possible. In his role as head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (known in former centuries by its more infamous name, The Inquisition) Cardinal Ratzinger ensured that all reports of pedophile priests and their helpers came to him...and only him. Rome was a bit slow to get the memo that, in 2013, there are no secrets and nothing can be contained for long.
Nevertheless, Joe Ratzinger became Pope. In that capacity he has continued in the pinched footsteps of his predecessor. No, not Torquemada...John Paul II. He has refused to even listen to talk of married priests or a softening of the prohibition on birth control. His response to a call for a greater role for women in the Church has been to censure American nuns who have advocated for change. The Church continues to serve up the same bitter gruel and wonders why no one is asking for seconds. Relevance goes deeper than a Twitter account or being able to buy a hair shirt on RCC.com. If the Cardinals in Rome don't start thinking about ways to connect with developed countries, they will continue to be as anachronistic as nuns in habits.
And, as if the disgraceful handling of the child abuse scandal in the U.S. wasn't already shining a harsh light on the Church in general, we now have the tale of Cardinal Roger Mahony. Mahony was forced to step down as archbishop of Los Angeles when it was learned that he allowed a notorious pedophile priest, Nicolas Rivera, to escape to Mexico in 1988 rather than face charges in the U.S. Cardinal Manony's felonious conduct will, of course, not prevent him from sauntering off to Rome to participate in the election of the new pope. This is a bit like asking Bernie Madoff to help elect the next chairman of the SEC.
And so, beginning on March 15th we will be treated to an army of television journalists standing in St. Peter's Square breathlessly watching for white or black smoke. These are the same reporters who otherwise would be standing around in front of Silvio Berlusconi's house to see how many women were doing the walk of shame on Sunday mornings. When a new pope is chosen we will be treated to the customary appearance on the balcony of the residence while the adoring masses, none of whom have attended Mass in ten yeas will cheer for La Papa. His robes appear heavy and the papal hat always looks too big. The look on his face will show just a trace of embarrassment. Maybe now we know why.
Anyway, the charming fact is that the only way the Pope was able to get anyone in America or Western Europe to pay any attention to him was to quit. Prior to his resignation he was as relevant as Paul McCartney who also hasn't produced anything noteworthy in 30 years.
Benedict leaves the Vatican (do you suppose he walks out the gate like Jake Blues leaving prison in the Blues Brothers?) in a terrible mess. Americans attend Mass with the frequency with which they pay their taxes...and with as much joy. Joke: St. Mary's Catholic Church was having a problem with squirrels in the attic. Nothing worked to get rid of them until Father O'Brien had an idea. He had all the squirrels baptised as Catholics. Now they only show up on Christmas and Easter. In Europe, even in ostensibly Catholic countries like Spain and Italy, the average age of the people at Mass on Sunday is AARP+25. If not for tourists many churches would be abandoned. (Did you ever notice that while traveling in Europe you will make it a point to visit every church you see but at home you would never check out a church in say Toledo or Baltimore? Why is that?)
Clearly, people don't feel the need to attend services in a church that doesn't appear to like them or relate to them. When 90% of Catholics practice birth control (the other 10% are either pregnant, infertile, or are dating Donald Trump) you have a disconnect. When the faithful hold moderate views on married priests, women priests and even abortion while the hierarchy and the clergy cling to attitudes made popular during the Middle Ages, you have a disengaged flock. The bishops in Rome are like the teaparty but with sillier hats. It's the reformation of the bored. Catholics just don't find anything in the church that speaks to them although there are many in the pulpit speaking at them.
Then we have the issue of child abuse and the incredibly tone-deaf way the church has dealt (or not dealt) with the aftermath. This issue isn't going away any time soon but a little candor and a lot of compassion might have made Rome look a little less Fagen and a little more like the paragon of morality they profess to be. My old teacher, "Bald" Bill Carney, OSA use to say "you can't claim to have a clean house if you hide the garbage cans under the piano". The church can't do much about the horrific decisions that were made by bishops and cardinals in the 40's and 50's but that can sure as hell make the records public and "out" every predator priest and enabling pastor and bishop. In the process of trying to protect one or two felons the church has sacrificed every bit of good will they had on the altar of obfuscation. As any apartment dweller in Manhattan will tell you, when you see one bug, there are most certainly others.
The cluelessness of the Vatican was never more on display than when the cardinals met in conclave following the death of John Paul II. In fairly short order, they elected to the papacy the one man most responsible for the cloak of secrecy that surrounded their dirty little sin of pederasty. Joseph Ratzinger was rewarded by the College of Cardinals for keeping the biggest scandal since the Borgias as contained as possible. In his role as head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (known in former centuries by its more infamous name, The Inquisition) Cardinal Ratzinger ensured that all reports of pedophile priests and their helpers came to him...and only him. Rome was a bit slow to get the memo that, in 2013, there are no secrets and nothing can be contained for long.
Nevertheless, Joe Ratzinger became Pope. In that capacity he has continued in the pinched footsteps of his predecessor. No, not Torquemada...John Paul II. He has refused to even listen to talk of married priests or a softening of the prohibition on birth control. His response to a call for a greater role for women in the Church has been to censure American nuns who have advocated for change. The Church continues to serve up the same bitter gruel and wonders why no one is asking for seconds. Relevance goes deeper than a Twitter account or being able to buy a hair shirt on RCC.com. If the Cardinals in Rome don't start thinking about ways to connect with developed countries, they will continue to be as anachronistic as nuns in habits.
And, as if the disgraceful handling of the child abuse scandal in the U.S. wasn't already shining a harsh light on the Church in general, we now have the tale of Cardinal Roger Mahony. Mahony was forced to step down as archbishop of Los Angeles when it was learned that he allowed a notorious pedophile priest, Nicolas Rivera, to escape to Mexico in 1988 rather than face charges in the U.S. Cardinal Manony's felonious conduct will, of course, not prevent him from sauntering off to Rome to participate in the election of the new pope. This is a bit like asking Bernie Madoff to help elect the next chairman of the SEC.
And so, beginning on March 15th we will be treated to an army of television journalists standing in St. Peter's Square breathlessly watching for white or black smoke. These are the same reporters who otherwise would be standing around in front of Silvio Berlusconi's house to see how many women were doing the walk of shame on Sunday mornings. When a new pope is chosen we will be treated to the customary appearance on the balcony of the residence while the adoring masses, none of whom have attended Mass in ten yeas will cheer for La Papa. His robes appear heavy and the papal hat always looks too big. The look on his face will show just a trace of embarrassment. Maybe now we know why.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Or has the Stupid Party decided that stupid actually works for them?
It has been several weeks since Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana took to the podium in Williamsburg, VA and encouraged his Republican brothers to stop acting as if loopy were a requirement for party membership. Thus far his message has gone largely unheeded. Perhaps he should buy some ad time on "Swamp People". Southerners are fond of saying "you can't fix stupid", a condition with which they are all too well acquainted. It would now appear that Governor Jindal is the only member of his party to even recognize the "stupid" problem.
For proof that the message isn't getting through, one need look no farther than the events of this week. To wit:
The face of the GOP has recently morphed from orange to bronze in the person of Florida's Senator Marco Rubio. Senator Rubio was chosen to present the sane Republican response to the President's State of the Union message on Tuesday night. The Stupid-wing Republican rebuttal followed immediately thereafter. That task went to Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky. In this dubious role, Paul was following in the erratic footsteps of such revered statesmen as Herman "9-9-9" Cain, Michele Bachmann of Minnesota and the singing fish from the McDonald's ads. Seriously, if your party can't even chose one person to espouse your beliefs, you had better start making a short list of rebuttal speakers for year 2017 and beyond.
Anyway, Senator Rubio delivered his address in Spanish as well as English. Who said those Republicans aren't reaching out? However, no sooner had Rubio intoned "y que continue bendiciendo a Los Estados de America" than some Republican luddite who missed the memo criticized Rubio for forgetting that English is America's language. No doubt he said it in a dialect no Englishman would understand.
While Senator Rubio was using his prime-time moment to express Republican inclusivity toward a voting block that ruined Election Day for his party, he was a bit slower to represent for another constituency that went against the GOP...women. On Tuesday, as he was putting the finishing touches on his Valentine to Hispanics, Rubio took time to join 22 other Republican Senators in attempting to scuttle a reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act originally past in 1994. Apparently Marco's largess extends just so far. Fortunately, there were 72 other Senators who felt that violence against women was a moral priority, not just an opportunity to show off your language skills. Rubio and the other 22 numskulls in the Senate would be well to remember that women speak English and they heard loud and clear all of those "no" votes.
Because Senators and Congressmen are forbidden to bring explosive devices into Congress for the President's speech, Congressman Steve Stockman of The Peoples Republic of East Texas, bought his own whoopee cushion. Stockman, who represents all that is daffy about the GOP (his next-store neighbor in East Texas is Louie Gohmert) invited Ted Nugent to attend the State of the Union speech. Nugent, who hasn't been a force in music since Hall and Oats were popular, has nevertheless kept busy as an obnoxious spokesman for gun violence in America. Mostly noted for shooting off his mouth Nugent has nonetheless attracted the attention of the Secret Service. It seems that people who mention guns and the President in the same sentence get special attention from law enforcement even when they have the demonstrated intelligence of a guitar pick. Anyway, Nugent sat in the gallery glaring but causing no great fuss and Stockman, his host, just looked foolish.
But looking foolish is what Bobby Jindal was talking about in his speech. Every time a Republican espouses some crackpot idea (guns in church comes to mind) the entire party looks crazy. Like it or not, people tend to take voting seriously. Why is it that only Karl Rove gets this? Folks may complain about Harry Reid or Claire McCaskill but when they close the curtain in the voting booth they tend not to vote for people who appear uninformed, unaware or unhinged. We like our elected representatives to at least appear normal, not on a two day pass from the "home". Conservative die-hards may rail against reporters who ask hard questions of their candidates but bad answers make an impression.
And so when the clown car pulls up in front of the Congressional Office Building, don't be surprised to see all those teabagger Republicans pile out. They're really easy to spot. They will be armed to the teeth, toting Bibles and texts on creationism. They'll be the ones droning-on about how climate science is a hoax and Barack Obama is a socialist Kenyan. But pay them no mind. They will be gone shortly, replaced with a new gaggle of even crazier loons. Texas alone could keep Washington in crackpots for years. So best of luck to Bobby Jindal and Karl Rove. Maybe they can't fix stupid but they can at least quarantine it to East Texas.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
...or should no one be surprised that if you elect constipated conservatives to govern your state, your Capitol will eventually fill up with shit?
Sorry for the unfortunate choice of words but the staggering volume of bad laws working their way through many state legislatures engenders wonder, disgust and the occasional scatological reference. Barack Obama (may his smile never grow a cavity) and the Democrats may have won a few victories in the last general election but the sewer rats who took over 28 state houses in 2010 are the termites eating the presidential platform.
Naturally, most of these evil deeds are coming from the South and the Northern Midwest where disgruntled voters were less than thrilled to learn that Barack H. Obama would be beaming at them from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. for four more years. Well, they may not be able to stop National Healthcare and they couldn't prevent a tax increase for the well-off (which most of them aren't anyway) but by God they can turn back the liberal hoard in other ways. Here are just a few of the new initiatives that are working their way through state houses in the hinterlands: Note, not all of this nonsense is actual law and most of it will never be voted on (thank God) but crazy legislators in many state houses have proposed them and some have been passed by at least one house.
Republicans are sick and tired of losing elections in the electoral college. Actually, most red state shmos don't really even understand the electoral college or how it works. Many think it's a university somewhere in New York City. Nevertheless they are vexed when a large majority of the counties in a given state vote Republican but large population centers turn the state blue. With the winner-take-all system in most states, places like California, New York, Illinois and several others are reliably blue although many of their counties lean radically to the Right. (Nebraska and Maine are different. They have apportioned delegates.) Never mind that in 2012 Barack Obama won both the popular vote in those states and the only time in recent memory that a popular vote winner lost the election was Al Gore in 2000. Lost on the GOP is the fact that they have actually won 9 of the last 16 elections with the current system.
(For a look at how the election of 2012 broke out by county, check RealClearPolitics at:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/)
Republicans are unmoved by little stuff like the will of the people (in California, Pres. Obama won 60% of the total votes cast). Their attitude is simple, if you can't win on the merits, tilt the playing field. So, several states are trying to change the winner-take-all system and replace it with an apportioned system. Virginia's House of Delegates actually tried to sneak such a bill through the state house while one Democrat was attending the inauguration in January. This is a bad idea on several fronts but mostly because it might come back to bite Republicans on the ass. Georgia, Texas, Arizona and a few others have a growing number of Hispanic citizens who, under the current electoral system are unrepresented in red states. The Dems might trade a few lost votes in Illinois for half of Texas and Georgia. The GOP just might just end up holding the wrong end of the shotgun.
And that brings us to guns. A few of our brother states (those with the lowest IQ and, coincidentally, the highest rate of guns per household) have decided not to wait and see what the hated socialist in the White House is cooking up regarding their right to keep and bear arms. Bastions of intellect like Texas, Missouri, and Mississippi are proposing to nullify any and all laws and executive orders that emanate from Washington which impinge on their sacred right to be armed to the teeth. Those Texas history books that make the news every year apparently don't include the chapters on nullification. None of these loony laws has the slightest chance of being constitutional but that isn't the point. The point is to act defiant in the face of reason; to look stupid when all around you appear rational; to draw a line in the sand with the barrel of your AR-15 and dare those commies in DC to cross it. It makes you wonder why the state motto of Texas isn't "Ignorance=Virtue".
This just in ...Arkansas has joined South Carolina, Louisiana and Wyoming in passing a law (yes, this one is a law) permitting churchgoers to carry loaded, concealed firearms into church. Presumably God knows who's packing. Actually each house of worship will get to decide if guns will be permitted and who can carry one. Henceforth, the term "squeezing one off in church" will have a whole new meaning. Wow, I'll bet those crosses and statues make tempting targets, not to mention long-winded preachers.
Speaking of church...
In case you thought the religious crazies had retreated to their snake-handling warrens, think again. There are new and draconian abortion laws wending their way through no fewer than twelve state houses. By now you could probably list them without help from isitjustme. My personal favorite is the state of New Mexico. The Land of Enchantment isn't usually listed among the wing-nut states. Its two million citizens went for Obama in 2008 and 2012. In spite of its proximity to uber-dopey Arizona, New Mexicans seem at peace with a population that is 30% Spanish speaking. Nevertheless, one state legislator has dreamed up a novel way to curtail abortion in her state.State representative Cathrynn Brown (yes, a woman) has proposed a bill which would make it a felony to have an abortion in the case of rape because (wait for it) the fetus would be evidence in a rape trial. Nifty, eh? Congratulations to Rep. Brown who, with one bill, has managed to make Todd Akin look like Susan Sontag.
Of course abortion isn't the only pet project of the religious right. Don't forget the "caveman riding dinosaurs" world of creationism. Apparently no one heard Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana when he admonished Republicans for being the stupid party. Actually Jindal wasn't even able to make himself heard in Louisiana or inside his own head. Jindal signed the "Louisiana Science Education Act" (irony, thy name is Jindal) which makes public funds available "in science classes" for the promulgation of alternate theories like creationism. It isn't bad enough that Louisiana wants to teach religious claptrap in public schools with state money. They want to do it in science class. That's like teaching pig latin in language labs or rejecting math formulas in favor of counting on your fingers. Jindal wants to change the GOP from the stupid party to the ill-informed party or the "gimmie that ole time religion" party.
Naturally, Jindal is a climate change denier. And why not? The governor of the state that experienced Katrina is the perfect spokesperson for the "man is having no effect whatsoever on the condition of the atmosphere" school of thought. (By the way, why aren't the teabaggers screaming for Bobby {his real first name is Piyush} Jindal's birth certificate? He looks about as American as the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.) As a Catholic, Jindal no doubt would have us pray for the climate to improve. In the meantime, if you're on Bourbon St. next week, expect to see people carrying signs that say, "show us your Smith and Wessons".
Wait, there's more. Robert Marshall, Republican state delegate from Prince William County, Virginia has proposed that Virginia study the possibility of minting its own money. Why? Well, for when the financial apocalypse arrives thanks to Obama's financial insanity, of course. Delegate Marshall thinks that Virginia, the state that gave America the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights, is the perfect place to provide gold and silver coins as legal tender when the zombies or who ever take over the Federal Reserve and the Treasury (if they haven't already). States are prohibited from minting paper money but they can mint commemorative coins which could be used as legal tender. I sincerely hope that the Virginia state house cafeteria avoids serving foods that require the use of a knife.
Again, let me remind you that all, repeat all, of these crackpot ideas are the products of Republican legislatures and governors. If this sort of lunacy occurred when Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton was elected, I missed it. This is the work of teabaggers and their toadies' people elected to thwart the will of the majority. Small people who, unable to persuade anyone on the national level that their way is the only way, have hijacked local government. Make no mistake, these people are dangerous. They may be wearing tinfoil hats but their guns have real bullets and they're coming for your vote...one way or another.
In fairness, if anyone out there can point to just one similar sin of government perpetrated by the Democrats I will post it. Please don't tell me about National Healthcare or or recess appointments.
Naturally, most of these evil deeds are coming from the South and the Northern Midwest where disgruntled voters were less than thrilled to learn that Barack H. Obama would be beaming at them from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. for four more years. Well, they may not be able to stop National Healthcare and they couldn't prevent a tax increase for the well-off (which most of them aren't anyway) but by God they can turn back the liberal hoard in other ways. Here are just a few of the new initiatives that are working their way through state houses in the hinterlands: Note, not all of this nonsense is actual law and most of it will never be voted on (thank God) but crazy legislators in many state houses have proposed them and some have been passed by at least one house.
Republicans are sick and tired of losing elections in the electoral college. Actually, most red state shmos don't really even understand the electoral college or how it works. Many think it's a university somewhere in New York City. Nevertheless they are vexed when a large majority of the counties in a given state vote Republican but large population centers turn the state blue. With the winner-take-all system in most states, places like California, New York, Illinois and several others are reliably blue although many of their counties lean radically to the Right. (Nebraska and Maine are different. They have apportioned delegates.) Never mind that in 2012 Barack Obama won both the popular vote in those states and the only time in recent memory that a popular vote winner lost the election was Al Gore in 2000. Lost on the GOP is the fact that they have actually won 9 of the last 16 elections with the current system.
(For a look at how the election of 2012 broke out by county, check RealClearPolitics at:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/)
Republicans are unmoved by little stuff like the will of the people (in California, Pres. Obama won 60% of the total votes cast). Their attitude is simple, if you can't win on the merits, tilt the playing field. So, several states are trying to change the winner-take-all system and replace it with an apportioned system. Virginia's House of Delegates actually tried to sneak such a bill through the state house while one Democrat was attending the inauguration in January. This is a bad idea on several fronts but mostly because it might come back to bite Republicans on the ass. Georgia, Texas, Arizona and a few others have a growing number of Hispanic citizens who, under the current electoral system are unrepresented in red states. The Dems might trade a few lost votes in Illinois for half of Texas and Georgia. The GOP just might just end up holding the wrong end of the shotgun.
And that brings us to guns. A few of our brother states (those with the lowest IQ and, coincidentally, the highest rate of guns per household) have decided not to wait and see what the hated socialist in the White House is cooking up regarding their right to keep and bear arms. Bastions of intellect like Texas, Missouri, and Mississippi are proposing to nullify any and all laws and executive orders that emanate from Washington which impinge on their sacred right to be armed to the teeth. Those Texas history books that make the news every year apparently don't include the chapters on nullification. None of these loony laws has the slightest chance of being constitutional but that isn't the point. The point is to act defiant in the face of reason; to look stupid when all around you appear rational; to draw a line in the sand with the barrel of your AR-15 and dare those commies in DC to cross it. It makes you wonder why the state motto of Texas isn't "Ignorance=Virtue".
This just in ...Arkansas has joined South Carolina, Louisiana and Wyoming in passing a law (yes, this one is a law) permitting churchgoers to carry loaded, concealed firearms into church. Presumably God knows who's packing. Actually each house of worship will get to decide if guns will be permitted and who can carry one. Henceforth, the term "squeezing one off in church" will have a whole new meaning. Wow, I'll bet those crosses and statues make tempting targets, not to mention long-winded preachers.
Speaking of church...
In case you thought the religious crazies had retreated to their snake-handling warrens, think again. There are new and draconian abortion laws wending their way through no fewer than twelve state houses. By now you could probably list them without help from isitjustme. My personal favorite is the state of New Mexico. The Land of Enchantment isn't usually listed among the wing-nut states. Its two million citizens went for Obama in 2008 and 2012. In spite of its proximity to uber-dopey Arizona, New Mexicans seem at peace with a population that is 30% Spanish speaking. Nevertheless, one state legislator has dreamed up a novel way to curtail abortion in her state.State representative Cathrynn Brown (yes, a woman) has proposed a bill which would make it a felony to have an abortion in the case of rape because (wait for it) the fetus would be evidence in a rape trial. Nifty, eh? Congratulations to Rep. Brown who, with one bill, has managed to make Todd Akin look like Susan Sontag.
Of course abortion isn't the only pet project of the religious right. Don't forget the "caveman riding dinosaurs" world of creationism. Apparently no one heard Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana when he admonished Republicans for being the stupid party. Actually Jindal wasn't even able to make himself heard in Louisiana or inside his own head. Jindal signed the "Louisiana Science Education Act" (irony, thy name is Jindal) which makes public funds available "in science classes" for the promulgation of alternate theories like creationism. It isn't bad enough that Louisiana wants to teach religious claptrap in public schools with state money. They want to do it in science class. That's like teaching pig latin in language labs or rejecting math formulas in favor of counting on your fingers. Jindal wants to change the GOP from the stupid party to the ill-informed party or the "gimmie that ole time religion" party.
Naturally, Jindal is a climate change denier. And why not? The governor of the state that experienced Katrina is the perfect spokesperson for the "man is having no effect whatsoever on the condition of the atmosphere" school of thought. (By the way, why aren't the teabaggers screaming for Bobby {his real first name is Piyush} Jindal's birth certificate? He looks about as American as the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.) As a Catholic, Jindal no doubt would have us pray for the climate to improve. In the meantime, if you're on Bourbon St. next week, expect to see people carrying signs that say, "show us your Smith and Wessons".
Wait, there's more. Robert Marshall, Republican state delegate from Prince William County, Virginia has proposed that Virginia study the possibility of minting its own money. Why? Well, for when the financial apocalypse arrives thanks to Obama's financial insanity, of course. Delegate Marshall thinks that Virginia, the state that gave America the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights, is the perfect place to provide gold and silver coins as legal tender when the zombies or who ever take over the Federal Reserve and the Treasury (if they haven't already). States are prohibited from minting paper money but they can mint commemorative coins which could be used as legal tender. I sincerely hope that the Virginia state house cafeteria avoids serving foods that require the use of a knife.
Again, let me remind you that all, repeat all, of these crackpot ideas are the products of Republican legislatures and governors. If this sort of lunacy occurred when Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton was elected, I missed it. This is the work of teabaggers and their toadies' people elected to thwart the will of the majority. Small people who, unable to persuade anyone on the national level that their way is the only way, have hijacked local government. Make no mistake, these people are dangerous. They may be wearing tinfoil hats but their guns have real bullets and they're coming for your vote...one way or another.
In fairness, if anyone out there can point to just one similar sin of government perpetrated by the Democrats I will post it. Please don't tell me about National Healthcare or or recess appointments.
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