Way back in 2005, the Congress passed (yes, I know the words "Congress passed" don't appear together very often) the Stolen Valor Act. Seriously, who names these bills? must be the same guy who names car paint colors and lipsticks. Apparently there were a considerable number of men claiming to have been awarded the Medal of Honor and other decorations that they had not earned. While lying on your resume is as time-honored a tradition as lying on your taxes, Congress felt that the misrepresenting of ones military achievements was something that required a legal remedy. In all likelihood, this bit of feel-good legislation would have been consigned to the same file that contains Congressional passage of National Prostate Exam Month, however such is not the case.
Enter one Xavier Alvarez. Senor Alvarez managed to get himself arrested in a nasty little fraud case in which he tried to secure health benefits for his wife while he was serving on the Pomona, California water board.Further investigation revealed that Mr. Alvarez claimed to be a 25 year Marine Corp vet and recipient of the Purple Heart and Medal of Honor. None of that was true.
Clearly the word reprehensible was coined to describe Mr. Alvarez. Anyone who has worn the country's uniform finds lying about combat awards tantamount to cowardice under fire. Given the opportunity, we would gladly sentence this turd to spend a few quality minutes with some real Marines in an alley near Camp Lejeune. At least he would earn that purple heart.
This however, is America. We don't do frontier justice. Mr. Alvarez's case has made it all the way to Washington where the Supremes, fresh from the Whitney Houston funeral, will decide his fate. Of the nine justices on the court, three have served in the military: Breyer and Alito in the reserves, Kennedy in the National Guard. None have seen combat (unless you count Sonia Sotomayer's growing up in the Bronx). The military service of the Court members is relevant. Anyone who has spent time in the military imagines a special place in hell for those who fabricate their wartime experience. Any Justice who wore green, even in an armory in New Jersey, will react badly to someone professing courage under fire when none was demonstrated.
Still, for as much as we wish Mr. Alvarez to be publicly humiliated (a beating with a sock full of manure in front of the Iwo Jima Memorial springs to mind) the issue before the Court is, when does lying become crime? Is fudging your resume the same as forgetting to tell your fiancee that you are already married? Should we prosecute Senator Richard Blumenthal for "misstating" his military record during the 2010 campaign? What about Hillary Clinton's assertion about arriving in Bosnia under fire? Or Marco Rubio's "confusion" about when his parents came to America? What about Michele Bachmann telling Iowans she was born in the same town as John Wayne? Should there be a "just plain stupid" exemption? And let's not forget the 4,000 dead military personnel who paid the price for George W. Bush's lies.
It's a safe bet that, disgraceful as Mr. Alvarez's conduct might have been, the Supreme Court isn't likely to send him to the stocks. The First Amendment allows for free speech and, because there appears to be no actual damage, like yelling fire in a theater or "Obama" at the CPAC convention, there is no criminality. It seems certain that the "Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire" statute will not survive a Constitutional challenge. Mr. Alvarez will be returned to California where he can attempt to convince everyone that he arm-wrestled the Court for the verdict. Actually, this creep couldn't beat Ruth Bader Ginsberg in a thumb war.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
...or do we all need to learn the Arab word for "enough already"?
Michael Corleone once famously said, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." I know exactly how he felt. Just when I thought I was through with religion for a week or two those frisky Muslims cause a ruckus in Afghanistan. Apparently several copies of the Quran, along with other religious materials, were burned at the Bagram Airfield. Call it housecleaning. The position of General John Allen, commander of the International Security Assistance Force is that this was a mistake and the burning was stopped as soon as it was discovered. OK, case closed. Well, not so much.
As we all know, Muslims view every slight, every presumed desecration, every affront to their faith as holy war. Whether the offense takes place in Indonesia or Turkmenistan or Iraq we can guarantee an out-of-proportion response. Hundreds, sometimes thousands take to the streets and howl at the perpetrators as great satans and defilers of ...whatever. When I first saw the demonstrations in Tahrir Sq. in Egypt last summer, I assumed someone had used the wrong type-face when printing the Quran.
What mystifies me is why the world allows these religious crazies to continue to terrorize the planet? We wouldn't tolerate this sort of behavior from Lutherans, or Buddhists or, God forbid, Jews. Yet we tolerate fatwahs and faith-based assassinations by Muslims as though they had the right to threaten or murder anyone merely as an expression of religious freedom. What is up with that?
The response from Gen. Allen in Afghanistan is obsequious to the point of embarrassment and we liberals don't embarrass easily. To listen to the general apologize you would think the soldiers at Bagram took a sledge hammer to a statue of the prophet. Oh wait. I forgot. If you create a statue of the prophet you are a blasphemer and subject to a fatwah. These disproportionate demonstrations of offense require a proclamation from the UN, to wit: Hey, Islam! Chill! No one in Mecca raised an eyebrow when ten Pakistani soldiers were found beheaded in a tribal region in Afghanistan but all Islam is in an uproar over U.S. Marines urinating on the bodies of their enemies. Apparently Muslim on Muslim bloodshed is kosher but urine on Muslim action is verboten.
There used to be an old saying that your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins. Likewise, your right to exercise your religion stops where the laws of civilized conduct begin. We are sorry your books got burned. It wasn't deliberate. Please allow us to make a contribution to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Camels. (OK, that was uncalled for.) The point is, you don't have to take to the streets every time some small incident takes place somewhere in the world that involves your people. If you keep this up, no one will take you seriously... like Jesse Jackson.
As we all know, Muslims view every slight, every presumed desecration, every affront to their faith as holy war. Whether the offense takes place in Indonesia or Turkmenistan or Iraq we can guarantee an out-of-proportion response. Hundreds, sometimes thousands take to the streets and howl at the perpetrators as great satans and defilers of ...whatever. When I first saw the demonstrations in Tahrir Sq. in Egypt last summer, I assumed someone had used the wrong type-face when printing the Quran.
What mystifies me is why the world allows these religious crazies to continue to terrorize the planet? We wouldn't tolerate this sort of behavior from Lutherans, or Buddhists or, God forbid, Jews. Yet we tolerate fatwahs and faith-based assassinations by Muslims as though they had the right to threaten or murder anyone merely as an expression of religious freedom. What is up with that?
The response from Gen. Allen in Afghanistan is obsequious to the point of embarrassment and we liberals don't embarrass easily. To listen to the general apologize you would think the soldiers at Bagram took a sledge hammer to a statue of the prophet. Oh wait. I forgot. If you create a statue of the prophet you are a blasphemer and subject to a fatwah. These disproportionate demonstrations of offense require a proclamation from the UN, to wit: Hey, Islam! Chill! No one in Mecca raised an eyebrow when ten Pakistani soldiers were found beheaded in a tribal region in Afghanistan but all Islam is in an uproar over U.S. Marines urinating on the bodies of their enemies. Apparently Muslim on Muslim bloodshed is kosher but urine on Muslim action is verboten.
There used to be an old saying that your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins. Likewise, your right to exercise your religion stops where the laws of civilized conduct begin. We are sorry your books got burned. It wasn't deliberate. Please allow us to make a contribution to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Camels. (OK, that was uncalled for.) The point is, you don't have to take to the streets every time some small incident takes place somewhere in the world that involves your people. If you keep this up, no one will take you seriously... like Jesse Jackson.
Monday, February 20, 2012
...or would our Founding Fathers, seeing how their names and policies are misused, have hopped the first boat for England?
Well, it's President's Day. With all respect to Abe Lincoln, this day always puts me in mind of those rich white men, you know, the 1%, who gathered in Philadelphia in 1776 and 1787 to write the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution. Their mistrust of the English crown, not to mention each other, made it possible to forge principles and laws that have endured for over 200 years. We are truly fortunate that these men were able to look across an ocean and craft a government diametrically opposite to that of the English monarchy. It's like having a leisure suit as the example of how not to dress. Unfortunately, current politicians, in a misguided attempt to appear patriotic and conservative have taken the names and writings of our Founders in vain.
This selective usurpation of the work of Jefferson, Adams, Madison et al, ignores the fact that these men were as different from each other as are the lawmakers of today. Jefferson and Hamilton hated each other. Federalists in 1787 had the same contempt for the views of Democratic Republicans that Liberals of today have for Conservatives. The term Founding Fathers, when applied to a single idea of how government should work, makes as much sense as using the term "Congress" to define a single legislative direction. The very nature of our form of government demands endless argument and endless compromise. When the Constitutional Convention finally produced a document no one liked, they sent it to the states for ratification.
Here are just a few facts to remember about our Founders:
-Patrick Henry refused to ratify the Constitution. He thought it too "federal". Pat was a big states-rights fan. He would have favored Ron Paul.
-Benjamin Franklin was in favor of inviting all immigrants to America, provided they were industrious. Ben must have needed a lot of lawn maintenance. Anyway, he would have opposed "building the damn fence".
-Thomas Paine, who was born in England, was a firm believer in government's responsibility for educating the population. "It is monarchical and aristocratical government only that requires ignorance for its subjects." Tom would have hated Texas...and Rick Santorum.
-Thomas Jefferson had an ego bigger than the dome on Monticello yet he said "Conquest is not in our principals. It is inconsistent with our government." George W. Bush must have been sick the day they taught Jefferson at Yale.
The bottom line is that these men, brilliant as they were, had about as much in common with each other as the visitors to the United Nations men's room. To exhume them en masse and parade them behind your candidacy like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, does an injustice to them and the audience you address. Imagine a small group of the "Signers" lined up behind Rick Santorum. As Santorum stormed about freedom of religion, John Adams might have opined in favor of state support of the clergy. Jefferson would have no part of that. He wanted no government-sponsored religious involvement. (Actually, Jefferson wanted no federally sponsored anything.) The conversation would quickly devolve into a shouting match over the powers of the federal government and no one would be able to hear Santorum. (Not an altogether undesirable outcome.)
The politics of the late 18th century was no game for children or poor marksmen. The duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton may have been the most famous dispute of the day but it was hardly unique. Mostly however the weapon of choice was newsprint. Hamilton and Jefferson had a famously fearful feud using newspaper surrogates. (Think Superpac in black and white.) Hamilton's paper continually hinted that Jefferson was none too particular about with whom he shared his bed. Jefferson responded that the same could be said of Hamilton's mother. (Actually they were both certifiable bastards but only Hamilton had the paperwork to prove it.) Politics in a democracy is always nasty, contentious and derisive. That's what happens when everyone has a say. In Russia or Saudi Arabia this problem seldom arises...more than once.
So please, on behalf of the Signers and the authors of the Constitution, on this President's Day, let the Founders rest. Their exhumation during this campaign is undignified. Let's leave God, Thomas Jefferson and Ronald Reagan to their respective places in the universe. Quoting the Bible makes you look sanctimonious; quoting Jefferson makes you look uneducated and quoting Reagan just makes you look silly. If you need a quote, consult Michele Bachmann. She has never allowed actual history to stand as impediment to Fox history.
This selective usurpation of the work of Jefferson, Adams, Madison et al, ignores the fact that these men were as different from each other as are the lawmakers of today. Jefferson and Hamilton hated each other. Federalists in 1787 had the same contempt for the views of Democratic Republicans that Liberals of today have for Conservatives. The term Founding Fathers, when applied to a single idea of how government should work, makes as much sense as using the term "Congress" to define a single legislative direction. The very nature of our form of government demands endless argument and endless compromise. When the Constitutional Convention finally produced a document no one liked, they sent it to the states for ratification.
Here are just a few facts to remember about our Founders:
-Patrick Henry refused to ratify the Constitution. He thought it too "federal". Pat was a big states-rights fan. He would have favored Ron Paul.
-Benjamin Franklin was in favor of inviting all immigrants to America, provided they were industrious. Ben must have needed a lot of lawn maintenance. Anyway, he would have opposed "building the damn fence".
-Thomas Paine, who was born in England, was a firm believer in government's responsibility for educating the population. "It is monarchical and aristocratical government only that requires ignorance for its subjects." Tom would have hated Texas...and Rick Santorum.
-Thomas Jefferson had an ego bigger than the dome on Monticello yet he said "Conquest is not in our principals. It is inconsistent with our government." George W. Bush must have been sick the day they taught Jefferson at Yale.
The bottom line is that these men, brilliant as they were, had about as much in common with each other as the visitors to the United Nations men's room. To exhume them en masse and parade them behind your candidacy like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, does an injustice to them and the audience you address. Imagine a small group of the "Signers" lined up behind Rick Santorum. As Santorum stormed about freedom of religion, John Adams might have opined in favor of state support of the clergy. Jefferson would have no part of that. He wanted no government-sponsored religious involvement. (Actually, Jefferson wanted no federally sponsored anything.) The conversation would quickly devolve into a shouting match over the powers of the federal government and no one would be able to hear Santorum. (Not an altogether undesirable outcome.)
The politics of the late 18th century was no game for children or poor marksmen. The duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton may have been the most famous dispute of the day but it was hardly unique. Mostly however the weapon of choice was newsprint. Hamilton and Jefferson had a famously fearful feud using newspaper surrogates. (Think Superpac in black and white.) Hamilton's paper continually hinted that Jefferson was none too particular about with whom he shared his bed. Jefferson responded that the same could be said of Hamilton's mother. (Actually they were both certifiable bastards but only Hamilton had the paperwork to prove it.) Politics in a democracy is always nasty, contentious and derisive. That's what happens when everyone has a say. In Russia or Saudi Arabia this problem seldom arises...more than once.
So please, on behalf of the Signers and the authors of the Constitution, on this President's Day, let the Founders rest. Their exhumation during this campaign is undignified. Let's leave God, Thomas Jefferson and Ronald Reagan to their respective places in the universe. Quoting the Bible makes you look sanctimonious; quoting Jefferson makes you look uneducated and quoting Reagan just makes you look silly. If you need a quote, consult Michele Bachmann. She has never allowed actual history to stand as impediment to Fox history.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
...or should the GOP debates confirm your worst nightmares and have everyone appear in their underwear?
Anything but politics:
Our friends in the Catholic Church have created 22 new Cardinals. Each was chosen by the current Vicar of Christ for his faith, his loyalty and, most of all, his ability to keep civil authorities from arresting his priests. Among the chosen is that chubby, jovial, smiling, wouldn't you love to share a Heineken with, Timothy Dolan, Archbishop of New York. Dolan laughed and charmed his way through a 60 Minutes profile and made all of New York forget the sewer that runs just below St. Patricks Cathedral.
In case you were counting, the current score is:
Number of cases of sexual abuse by priests worldwide----- 100,000+
Amount of Church money paid in claims------------------- $2.6 billion
Number of priest turned over to civilian authorities
by the Church or any of its Cardinals or Bishops.--------------- 0
In case you are having trouble understanding that last number, it's zero; none.
So for the record, any Catholic who drops five cents in a collection plate is paying for the continuation of this atrocity. Moving on...
__________________________________________________________________
Just when you think that all religion is a joke and genuinely righteous people are harder to find than a book in Sarah Palin's house, along comes the story of Dolores Hart. Maureen Dowd's column in today's NY Times highlights the fascinating tale of the woman who was presumed to be the next Grace Kelly back in 1959. Having given Elvis his first screen kiss in King Creole, Dolores starred in several popular boy/girl features like "Come Fly with Me" and "Where The Boys Are". A role in "Francis of Assisi" with Bradford Dillman must have had a profound effect. (Oddly enough, none of the animals talk. Paging Walt Disney.)
After a run in "The Pleasure of His Company" on Broadway, Ms. Hart visited a Benedictine Abby in Connecticut to rest. Three years later she returned to the Abby and has remained there for the last fifty years. A documentary about her remarkable life is scheduled for April on HBO and Ms. Hart has committed to attend this year's Academy Awards.
With the death of a deeply troubled Whitney Houston in the news all week, a story like this deserves more attention that it will get. It's nice to know that not all fame is corrosive. We all want to think that for every Judy Garland there's a Robert Downey, Jr; for every Russell Crowe a George Clooney. Being a star might be fun but being a nun in Connecticut is...well...OK maybe not as much fun but at least she never had to be in another Elvis movie.
___________________________________________________________________
Good news from Foxconn!
No, Foxconn is not Rupert Murdoch's latest on-line right-wing bullhorn. Foxconn is the Chinese factory complex that spits out millions of cell phones, tablets and laptops using workers for whom slavery would be a major step-up in pay grade. The factories employ over one million workers. The people who made your ipads and droids work twelve hour days, perform mind-numbing routine tasks and live in dormitories that would make migrant grape pickers in California strike for better conditions. Suicide was so pervasive that the government was forced to take decisive action. Counseling?...No. Longer weekends? Ridiculous. That action was to install giant nets around the dorms to catch the jumpers (and apparently dock their pay for taking an unauthorized break).
Bad publicity and a light nudge from the folks at Apple and HP have forced the Chinese to address the terrible conditions at Foxconn beyond upgrading the quality of toilet paper in the rest rooms. Salaries have been raised to about $400 a month (Lebron James makes approx. $6,000 per point). In addition, the benevolent folks in Beijing have promised to limit overtime (hey, it's not like the little buggers have anything else to do) and adhere more closely to Chinese labor laws. ("Chinese Labor Laws" being our newest oxymoron). Apple stock is soaring and the last thing they need in Cupertino is a worm. Visions of millions of hazmat-clad Asians chained to a work station in an Orwellian sized clean-room is enough to drive America to a newsstand or, God forbid, a library.
Still, if Americans want to know why unemployment is high and we hear cries of America doesn't make things anymore, consider the factory worker in China. Well, at least they get health care...a a first-rate team of firemen to free them from the nets and send them back to work.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Carnival Cruise Lines has offered the survivors of that little mishap off the coast of Italy a whopping 30% off their next cruise with Carnival. Really? 30%? That's about the same number of degrees that the Costa Concordia is currently listing to starboard. I'm sure that the 3,200 passengers who were abandoned by their captain and forced to leave their possessions and swim for their lives from a sinking ship are lining up to avail themselves of that 1/3 off sale.
Our friends in the Catholic Church have created 22 new Cardinals. Each was chosen by the current Vicar of Christ for his faith, his loyalty and, most of all, his ability to keep civil authorities from arresting his priests. Among the chosen is that chubby, jovial, smiling, wouldn't you love to share a Heineken with, Timothy Dolan, Archbishop of New York. Dolan laughed and charmed his way through a 60 Minutes profile and made all of New York forget the sewer that runs just below St. Patricks Cathedral.
In case you were counting, the current score is:
Number of cases of sexual abuse by priests worldwide----- 100,000+
Amount of Church money paid in claims------------------- $2.6 billion
Number of priest turned over to civilian authorities
by the Church or any of its Cardinals or Bishops.--------------- 0
In case you are having trouble understanding that last number, it's zero; none.
So for the record, any Catholic who drops five cents in a collection plate is paying for the continuation of this atrocity. Moving on...
__________________________________________________________________
Just when you think that all religion is a joke and genuinely righteous people are harder to find than a book in Sarah Palin's house, along comes the story of Dolores Hart. Maureen Dowd's column in today's NY Times highlights the fascinating tale of the woman who was presumed to be the next Grace Kelly back in 1959. Having given Elvis his first screen kiss in King Creole, Dolores starred in several popular boy/girl features like "Come Fly with Me" and "Where The Boys Are". A role in "Francis of Assisi" with Bradford Dillman must have had a profound effect. (Oddly enough, none of the animals talk. Paging Walt Disney.)
After a run in "The Pleasure of His Company" on Broadway, Ms. Hart visited a Benedictine Abby in Connecticut to rest. Three years later she returned to the Abby and has remained there for the last fifty years. A documentary about her remarkable life is scheduled for April on HBO and Ms. Hart has committed to attend this year's Academy Awards.
With the death of a deeply troubled Whitney Houston in the news all week, a story like this deserves more attention that it will get. It's nice to know that not all fame is corrosive. We all want to think that for every Judy Garland there's a Robert Downey, Jr; for every Russell Crowe a George Clooney. Being a star might be fun but being a nun in Connecticut is...well...OK maybe not as much fun but at least she never had to be in another Elvis movie.
___________________________________________________________________
Good news from Foxconn!
No, Foxconn is not Rupert Murdoch's latest on-line right-wing bullhorn. Foxconn is the Chinese factory complex that spits out millions of cell phones, tablets and laptops using workers for whom slavery would be a major step-up in pay grade. The factories employ over one million workers. The people who made your ipads and droids work twelve hour days, perform mind-numbing routine tasks and live in dormitories that would make migrant grape pickers in California strike for better conditions. Suicide was so pervasive that the government was forced to take decisive action. Counseling?...No. Longer weekends? Ridiculous. That action was to install giant nets around the dorms to catch the jumpers (and apparently dock their pay for taking an unauthorized break).
Bad publicity and a light nudge from the folks at Apple and HP have forced the Chinese to address the terrible conditions at Foxconn beyond upgrading the quality of toilet paper in the rest rooms. Salaries have been raised to about $400 a month (Lebron James makes approx. $6,000 per point). In addition, the benevolent folks in Beijing have promised to limit overtime (hey, it's not like the little buggers have anything else to do) and adhere more closely to Chinese labor laws. ("Chinese Labor Laws" being our newest oxymoron). Apple stock is soaring and the last thing they need in Cupertino is a worm. Visions of millions of hazmat-clad Asians chained to a work station in an Orwellian sized clean-room is enough to drive America to a newsstand or, God forbid, a library.
Still, if Americans want to know why unemployment is high and we hear cries of America doesn't make things anymore, consider the factory worker in China. Well, at least they get health care...a a first-rate team of firemen to free them from the nets and send them back to work.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Carnival Cruise Lines has offered the survivors of that little mishap off the coast of Italy a whopping 30% off their next cruise with Carnival. Really? 30%? That's about the same number of degrees that the Costa Concordia is currently listing to starboard. I'm sure that the 3,200 passengers who were abandoned by their captain and forced to leave their possessions and swim for their lives from a sinking ship are lining up to avail themselves of that 1/3 off sale.
Monday, February 13, 2012
...or does the Republican race look like four men in a tug of war with everyone holding the same side of the rope?
It was a quiet Thursday night. As I perused my well-worn copy of Blaise Pascal's "Lettres Provincieles" (my Camus was being rebound) I discovered a delicious quote. In 1658 Pascal wrote, "Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." It seems unlikely that Pascal was contemplating the 2012 GOP Presidential contest but old Blaise was right on the mark.
Just as good economic news was sucking all the air out of the conservative argument for American regime change, along comes the Department of Health and Human Services. HHS determined that part of the new healthcare laws to take effect in 2014 compels all employers of a certain size who currently provide healthcare to include coverage for birth control, including so-called morning after meds. Exceptions were made for churches whose doctrine forbids contraception but not for commercial enterprises, such as hospitals and universities run by those religious groups. HHS might have expected some pushback from a church here and there but since laws like this were already on the books in several states it probably wouldn't amount to much. (Note: Massachusetts has this provision as part of its comprehensive healthcare law, signed by Governor Mitt Romney. Governor Mike Huckabee, aka Rev. Mike Huckabee, signed a similar law in Arkansas. Arizona's law makes no exception for churches of any kind.)
However, this is the election year of 2012 and no good deed goes unnoticed or unpunished. The circular firing squad that is the GOP presidential contest descended on this as though the Obama administration had decreed a tax on church collections. "War on Religion" screamed Romney clearly forgetting what his pen hath wrought. "War on the Catholic Church" howled Gingrich who himself is a relative newcomer to Catholicism. (Newt either overlooked the CC's prohibition on divorce or he plans to be more faithful to this Church than he ever was to his first two wives.)
Rick Santorum, who plans to run for Pope if his Presidential bid collapses, used the opportunity to condemn birth control, abortion, sex and dancing too close. Santorum plans to propose legislation forbidding men to ride behind women on escalators. (Considering Rick's negative views on sex one wonders where the eight little Santorums sprang from. Maybe he prayed for them.)
As always, when the adults got involved, the problem was resolved. That process took about 20 seconds. The administration commanded the insurance companies to cover the cost of birth control...much to the chagrin of the insurance companies and the Republican candidates. Once the Catholic Church expressed satisfaction with the change, the candidates were SOL. Deprived of this red meat issue almost as soon as it arose, the law firm of Santorum, Romney, Gingirch and Paul were forced to return to rail against an improving economy. Romney was so lost he attacked the bailout that saved the state he is trying to win. That's like trying to become president of Germany by attacking the Marshall Plan.
In any event the Republicans will nominate Romney in August and he will get trounced by the current President. When reflecting on these events it is helpful to remember the words of Confucius who said "When competing in a race, your chances of success increase dramatically when you don't shoot yourself in the foot with the starter's gun." Confucius should have signed on as a consultant with the RNC.
Just as good economic news was sucking all the air out of the conservative argument for American regime change, along comes the Department of Health and Human Services. HHS determined that part of the new healthcare laws to take effect in 2014 compels all employers of a certain size who currently provide healthcare to include coverage for birth control, including so-called morning after meds. Exceptions were made for churches whose doctrine forbids contraception but not for commercial enterprises, such as hospitals and universities run by those religious groups. HHS might have expected some pushback from a church here and there but since laws like this were already on the books in several states it probably wouldn't amount to much. (Note: Massachusetts has this provision as part of its comprehensive healthcare law, signed by Governor Mitt Romney. Governor Mike Huckabee, aka Rev. Mike Huckabee, signed a similar law in Arkansas. Arizona's law makes no exception for churches of any kind.)
However, this is the election year of 2012 and no good deed goes unnoticed or unpunished. The circular firing squad that is the GOP presidential contest descended on this as though the Obama administration had decreed a tax on church collections. "War on Religion" screamed Romney clearly forgetting what his pen hath wrought. "War on the Catholic Church" howled Gingrich who himself is a relative newcomer to Catholicism. (Newt either overlooked the CC's prohibition on divorce or he plans to be more faithful to this Church than he ever was to his first two wives.)
Rick Santorum, who plans to run for Pope if his Presidential bid collapses, used the opportunity to condemn birth control, abortion, sex and dancing too close. Santorum plans to propose legislation forbidding men to ride behind women on escalators. (Considering Rick's negative views on sex one wonders where the eight little Santorums sprang from. Maybe he prayed for them.)
As always, when the adults got involved, the problem was resolved. That process took about 20 seconds. The administration commanded the insurance companies to cover the cost of birth control...much to the chagrin of the insurance companies and the Republican candidates. Once the Catholic Church expressed satisfaction with the change, the candidates were SOL. Deprived of this red meat issue almost as soon as it arose, the law firm of Santorum, Romney, Gingirch and Paul were forced to return to rail against an improving economy. Romney was so lost he attacked the bailout that saved the state he is trying to win. That's like trying to become president of Germany by attacking the Marshall Plan.
In any event the Republicans will nominate Romney in August and he will get trounced by the current President. When reflecting on these events it is helpful to remember the words of Confucius who said "When competing in a race, your chances of success increase dramatically when you don't shoot yourself in the foot with the starter's gun." Confucius should have signed on as a consultant with the RNC.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
...or is the issue of abortion like the zombie that won't die?
Every time I write about this subject I feel the need to begin with a disclaimer. Why should today be any different? To wit:
No one applauds abortion. No one thinks abortions are good. Most of us would prefer it if abortions were never performed. It's a sad decision that combines terror, remorse and in some cases permanent guilt. I'm sure that somewhere, someone had an abortion because having a child would have been inconvenient or because they feared stretch marks, but those cases are so rare as to be inconsequential. For most women the decision is difficult and traumatic. It is also personal.
There should be no authority-state, federal or local that has any right to decide for a woman how she should treat her own body. No one but the person involved can dictate what her course of treatment should be. The Supreme Court ruled correctly in 1973. The state should never be allowed to interfere in a woman's medical decisions.
But just as the Religious Right has difficulty understanding the concept of personal rights, they also missed the class on settled law. Every time the Republican Party gains a majority in a state house they interpret the election as a mandate to rewrite Roe v Wade. Courts have consistently trashed these statutes but that hasn't kept the holy of holies from trying. Hey, why not? If you come from a red district, they'll love you for it.
Recently the legislators of the Commonwealth of Virginia passed a law that sinks to an all-time low in this never-ending conflict. According to this legislative horror, before a woman can obtain an abortion she is required to have an ultrasound image taken and be offered the opportunity to see the image. The medical professionals involved will be required to record whether the patient saw the ultrasound. It should be noted that only seven of the Senate's 40 members are women but I'm sure that played no part in the decision. State Senator Janet Howell attached an amendment to the ultrasound bill requiring men to receive a rectal exam and a stress test before receiving a prescription for erectile dysfunction meds. She only lost it by two votes.
Florynce Kennedy, founder of the Feminist Party in the 70's is famous for suggesting that "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament". Can anyone argue otherwise? Intellectually dishonest legislators from George W. Bush to Newt Gingrich have ridden this nag in elections all over America. (Actually GWB was so dishonest he never even stated his opposition to abortion for the record. He opted for individual state legislatures to decide.) The fastest way for a Rick Santorum or Michele Bachmann to corral a few loose Teabaggers is to stand four-square for a Constitutional ban on abortion. It's a safe stance because it will never go anywhere...sort of like Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann.
And , of course, the subjects of abortion and birth control bring us to the dust-up between the Susan B. Komen For the Cure Foundation and Planned Parenthood. The attempted defunding of PP by the Komen board was politically motivated, ill-conceived (sorry!) and should have been reversed. Komen was in trouble the minute they hired Karen Handel as head of Public Policy. Handel, a failed candidate for Governor of Georgia and queen of the Teabaggers was instrumental in persuading the Komen board to deny grants to Planned Parenthood on the grounds that they are under investigation. The fact that the "investigation" is a witch hunt originated by an anti-abortion conservative was apparently never considered. Thankfully, the decision has been reversed and Ms. Handel is unemployed.
The real tragedy here is the damage to the Susan B. Komen organization. Having raised more than two billion dollars and, maybe more importantly, the awareness to the dangers of breast cancer among women, the Komen charity is one of the most important voices in the country. They are certainly entitled to a mulligan here but, it can also be a teaching moment. Beware of high-profile candidates who want to use your organization for political ends or to further their own agenda. Your profile is high enough. You don't need celebrity board members.
And finally, what conversation about birth control and abortion would be complete without a mention of the latest case making its way through the court of public opinion; namely Obama vs. the Catholic Church. Frankly, it's a tangle.
The administration's new healthcare plan requires that businesses, including Catholic hospitals and universities, provide healthcare insurance that includes coverage for birth control, IUD's and morning after pills. These forms of birth control along with all other forms of birth control are forbidden by the Church. The Catholic Church therefore objected to a requirement to participate in the distribution of devices and medications that violate its laws. The Department of Health and Human Services countered that the institutions in question are primarily businesses and therefore must provide the same medical coverage as any other business including, birth control. Therein lies the conflict.
Surprisingly, although almost all American Catholics practice some form of birth control, it seems their sentiments are in support of the Church. The argument appears to be taking shape around the idea of religious freedom. That confuses me. Jehovah's Witnesses prohibit blood transfusions but cover the procedure for their employees. No one is asking the Catholic Church to hand out condoms or put Planned Parenthood on the parish speed-dial. They are merely being required to provide insurance coverage for medical practices with which they take issue. The HHS isn't forcing anyone to use the services.
Naturally, when you want to discover where the source of all the trouble lies, all roads lead to Rome. In 1968 Pope Paul VI had a wonderful opportunity to separate birth control pills, which were becoming very popular, from other forms of contraception. (Actually it would have been a grand time to package the entire outmoded prohibition on all forms of birth control and drown it in holy water. He demurred.) The Pope empaneled not one but two commissions to determine if the Church teaching needed updating. Paul VI was advised that perhaps a change was warranted. For whatever reason, the Pope said nope. Catholics must continue to have all the children God will give them. Clearly no one in Rome was willing to take into account the cost of gym shoes or a college education. (Note: the final encyclical, called Humanae Vitae, was heavily influenced by the writings of one Archbishop Karol Wojtyla, later to become that bastion of progressive thought, Pope John Paul II.)
This being an election year, the President can hardly antagonize a group as large as Catholicus Americana. (Wow! Latin does carry gravitas.) Some compromise will surface which will allow both sides to save face. Maybe the name "birth control pills" could be changed to "menstrual cycle regulators". Condoms could be sold to hunters at Eddie Bauer to keep the rain out of their rifle muzzle. Anyway, when the smoke clears we can all go back to wondering why Catholics in America would side with the Church about birth control which they use, and side with the President on abortion which they oppose. Thus, my children, is the role of sex in politics.
No one applauds abortion. No one thinks abortions are good. Most of us would prefer it if abortions were never performed. It's a sad decision that combines terror, remorse and in some cases permanent guilt. I'm sure that somewhere, someone had an abortion because having a child would have been inconvenient or because they feared stretch marks, but those cases are so rare as to be inconsequential. For most women the decision is difficult and traumatic. It is also personal.
There should be no authority-state, federal or local that has any right to decide for a woman how she should treat her own body. No one but the person involved can dictate what her course of treatment should be. The Supreme Court ruled correctly in 1973. The state should never be allowed to interfere in a woman's medical decisions.
But just as the Religious Right has difficulty understanding the concept of personal rights, they also missed the class on settled law. Every time the Republican Party gains a majority in a state house they interpret the election as a mandate to rewrite Roe v Wade. Courts have consistently trashed these statutes but that hasn't kept the holy of holies from trying. Hey, why not? If you come from a red district, they'll love you for it.
Recently the legislators of the Commonwealth of Virginia passed a law that sinks to an all-time low in this never-ending conflict. According to this legislative horror, before a woman can obtain an abortion she is required to have an ultrasound image taken and be offered the opportunity to see the image. The medical professionals involved will be required to record whether the patient saw the ultrasound. It should be noted that only seven of the Senate's 40 members are women but I'm sure that played no part in the decision. State Senator Janet Howell attached an amendment to the ultrasound bill requiring men to receive a rectal exam and a stress test before receiving a prescription for erectile dysfunction meds. She only lost it by two votes.
Florynce Kennedy, founder of the Feminist Party in the 70's is famous for suggesting that "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament". Can anyone argue otherwise? Intellectually dishonest legislators from George W. Bush to Newt Gingrich have ridden this nag in elections all over America. (Actually GWB was so dishonest he never even stated his opposition to abortion for the record. He opted for individual state legislatures to decide.) The fastest way for a Rick Santorum or Michele Bachmann to corral a few loose Teabaggers is to stand four-square for a Constitutional ban on abortion. It's a safe stance because it will never go anywhere...sort of like Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann.
And , of course, the subjects of abortion and birth control bring us to the dust-up between the Susan B. Komen For the Cure Foundation and Planned Parenthood. The attempted defunding of PP by the Komen board was politically motivated, ill-conceived (sorry!) and should have been reversed. Komen was in trouble the minute they hired Karen Handel as head of Public Policy. Handel, a failed candidate for Governor of Georgia and queen of the Teabaggers was instrumental in persuading the Komen board to deny grants to Planned Parenthood on the grounds that they are under investigation. The fact that the "investigation" is a witch hunt originated by an anti-abortion conservative was apparently never considered. Thankfully, the decision has been reversed and Ms. Handel is unemployed.
The real tragedy here is the damage to the Susan B. Komen organization. Having raised more than two billion dollars and, maybe more importantly, the awareness to the dangers of breast cancer among women, the Komen charity is one of the most important voices in the country. They are certainly entitled to a mulligan here but, it can also be a teaching moment. Beware of high-profile candidates who want to use your organization for political ends or to further their own agenda. Your profile is high enough. You don't need celebrity board members.
And finally, what conversation about birth control and abortion would be complete without a mention of the latest case making its way through the court of public opinion; namely Obama vs. the Catholic Church. Frankly, it's a tangle.
The administration's new healthcare plan requires that businesses, including Catholic hospitals and universities, provide healthcare insurance that includes coverage for birth control, IUD's and morning after pills. These forms of birth control along with all other forms of birth control are forbidden by the Church. The Catholic Church therefore objected to a requirement to participate in the distribution of devices and medications that violate its laws. The Department of Health and Human Services countered that the institutions in question are primarily businesses and therefore must provide the same medical coverage as any other business including, birth control. Therein lies the conflict.
Surprisingly, although almost all American Catholics practice some form of birth control, it seems their sentiments are in support of the Church. The argument appears to be taking shape around the idea of religious freedom. That confuses me. Jehovah's Witnesses prohibit blood transfusions but cover the procedure for their employees. No one is asking the Catholic Church to hand out condoms or put Planned Parenthood on the parish speed-dial. They are merely being required to provide insurance coverage for medical practices with which they take issue. The HHS isn't forcing anyone to use the services.
Naturally, when you want to discover where the source of all the trouble lies, all roads lead to Rome. In 1968 Pope Paul VI had a wonderful opportunity to separate birth control pills, which were becoming very popular, from other forms of contraception. (Actually it would have been a grand time to package the entire outmoded prohibition on all forms of birth control and drown it in holy water. He demurred.) The Pope empaneled not one but two commissions to determine if the Church teaching needed updating. Paul VI was advised that perhaps a change was warranted. For whatever reason, the Pope said nope. Catholics must continue to have all the children God will give them. Clearly no one in Rome was willing to take into account the cost of gym shoes or a college education. (Note: the final encyclical, called Humanae Vitae, was heavily influenced by the writings of one Archbishop Karol Wojtyla, later to become that bastion of progressive thought, Pope John Paul II.)
This being an election year, the President can hardly antagonize a group as large as Catholicus Americana. (Wow! Latin does carry gravitas.) Some compromise will surface which will allow both sides to save face. Maybe the name "birth control pills" could be changed to "menstrual cycle regulators". Condoms could be sold to hunters at Eddie Bauer to keep the rain out of their rifle muzzle. Anyway, when the smoke clears we can all go back to wondering why Catholics in America would side with the Church about birth control which they use, and side with the President on abortion which they oppose. Thus, my children, is the role of sex in politics.
Monday, January 23, 2012
...or are Christian values not what they use to be?
The times they are a changin' in the Old South. Time was if a man cheated on his wife he was persona non grata in polite society. Decent folk would cross the street to avoid a conversation. No one would invite him to their homes. At church he would become an object lesson for a wrathful sermon. (No names of course.) These things were especially true in colonial southern states like Virginia, Georgia and especially South Carolina.
Well welcome to South Carolina 2012. The state that introduced America to the concept of secession has now decided that values don't matter. The Christians of the Palmetto State have determined that aborting a pregnancy is verbotten but aborting your marriage (or marriages) is perfectly fine. Changing your mind about healthcare is flip-flopping, changing your mind about your vows is a personal choice. Honestly?
Hey don't get me wrong, I don't care if Newt Gingrich sleeps with sheep (which in Arkansas might be a plus) but up until last Saturday it was suppose to matter to the good, God-fearing people of South Carolina. The folks who were talked out of John McCain in 2000 because Karl Rove told them that McCain had an illegitimate black child, have now endorsed the Georgia version of Silvio Berlusconi. What's up with that?
Well, to begin with there's the condom-thin support for Mitt Romney. Republicans might vote for him but only in a three-way race with Barack Obama and an upholstered ottoman. You can tell you are approaching a Romney rally by the sound of snoring. The Obama haters (and South Carolina has more than its share) might like Mitt but they don't like him a lot. He's a Northerner trying to be Southern...a rich guy trying to act middle class...a Mormon trying to act Christian. (Hey, I think Mormons are Christians but what do I know?) The Southern Obama-haters don't want conversations about policy and economics. They want Barack Obama hanged, drawn and quartered.
So just about the time that South Carolina is ready to sigh, shrug their collective shoulders and vote for Romney, Newt Gingrich challenges John King to a duel. During the CNN sponsored debate last week, King had the gall to confront Gingrich with the story everyone was talking about. Gingrich's ex-wife Marianne (#2 for those keeping score) had given an interview to ABC News revealing the sordid details of her marriage to Newt. Secure in the knowledge that the best defense is a good offense, Newt attacked Mr. King for beginning a presidential debate with such prurient stuff. Newt was betting that the crowd in the auditorium and the teabaggers in South Carolina hate the media more than they love the teachings of Christianity. Something like:
"How dare you remind these good people that I divorced not one wife but two wives while they were each battling serious illnesses. Only a scurrilous cad would discuss my affairs with: wife #2 while married to wife #1 and, wife #3 while married to wife #2. What sort of unprincipled bounder would mention that I have preached celibacy and family values for the entire time that I was waving my Jesus-loving Republican penis at any and every woman in this great country. You, sir are no gentleman."
The crowd went wild. Finally, someone who was willing to put those fact-checking, truth-telling, Obama-loving media liberals in their place. At last, a candidate who would prove that serial adultery could be a plus if only you yell loud enough. Don't confuse the issue with facts. The issue isn't that I'm a pig. The issue is that only a biased media would bring up my piggishness. Every redneck peckerwood who ever came home too late smelling of cheap perfume and attempted to lie his way out of trouble knew they had a champion. If Newt Gingrich could bluff and bluster his way around two ex-wives he could easily be the kind of vicious, rancorous, malicious campaigner the GOP needs in the fall. Remember the South doesn't want President Obama beaten they want him crushed, pulverized and sent back to Kenya in a envelope. Gingrich may not win in November but the Democrats will know they were in a fight. Hey, why take George Marshall when you can have George Patton?
Well welcome to South Carolina 2012. The state that introduced America to the concept of secession has now decided that values don't matter. The Christians of the Palmetto State have determined that aborting a pregnancy is verbotten but aborting your marriage (or marriages) is perfectly fine. Changing your mind about healthcare is flip-flopping, changing your mind about your vows is a personal choice. Honestly?
Hey don't get me wrong, I don't care if Newt Gingrich sleeps with sheep (which in Arkansas might be a plus) but up until last Saturday it was suppose to matter to the good, God-fearing people of South Carolina. The folks who were talked out of John McCain in 2000 because Karl Rove told them that McCain had an illegitimate black child, have now endorsed the Georgia version of Silvio Berlusconi. What's up with that?
Well, to begin with there's the condom-thin support for Mitt Romney. Republicans might vote for him but only in a three-way race with Barack Obama and an upholstered ottoman. You can tell you are approaching a Romney rally by the sound of snoring. The Obama haters (and South Carolina has more than its share) might like Mitt but they don't like him a lot. He's a Northerner trying to be Southern...a rich guy trying to act middle class...a Mormon trying to act Christian. (Hey, I think Mormons are Christians but what do I know?) The Southern Obama-haters don't want conversations about policy and economics. They want Barack Obama hanged, drawn and quartered.
So just about the time that South Carolina is ready to sigh, shrug their collective shoulders and vote for Romney, Newt Gingrich challenges John King to a duel. During the CNN sponsored debate last week, King had the gall to confront Gingrich with the story everyone was talking about. Gingrich's ex-wife Marianne (#2 for those keeping score) had given an interview to ABC News revealing the sordid details of her marriage to Newt. Secure in the knowledge that the best defense is a good offense, Newt attacked Mr. King for beginning a presidential debate with such prurient stuff. Newt was betting that the crowd in the auditorium and the teabaggers in South Carolina hate the media more than they love the teachings of Christianity. Something like:
"How dare you remind these good people that I divorced not one wife but two wives while they were each battling serious illnesses. Only a scurrilous cad would discuss my affairs with: wife #2 while married to wife #1 and, wife #3 while married to wife #2. What sort of unprincipled bounder would mention that I have preached celibacy and family values for the entire time that I was waving my Jesus-loving Republican penis at any and every woman in this great country. You, sir are no gentleman."
The crowd went wild. Finally, someone who was willing to put those fact-checking, truth-telling, Obama-loving media liberals in their place. At last, a candidate who would prove that serial adultery could be a plus if only you yell loud enough. Don't confuse the issue with facts. The issue isn't that I'm a pig. The issue is that only a biased media would bring up my piggishness. Every redneck peckerwood who ever came home too late smelling of cheap perfume and attempted to lie his way out of trouble knew they had a champion. If Newt Gingrich could bluff and bluster his way around two ex-wives he could easily be the kind of vicious, rancorous, malicious campaigner the GOP needs in the fall. Remember the South doesn't want President Obama beaten they want him crushed, pulverized and sent back to Kenya in a envelope. Gingrich may not win in November but the Democrats will know they were in a fight. Hey, why take George Marshall when you can have George Patton?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
...or should we not refer to the aniversary of Roe v. Wade as a seminal event?
January 22 marks the 39th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision known as Roe v. Wade. For those of you too young (or too old) to remember back to 1973, Jane Roe (real name Norma McCorvey) sued in federal court in Dallas to have the 1847 Texas anti-abortion law overturned as unconstitutional. Henry B. Wade was the Dallas County District Attorney. By the time the case was decided by the Supremes (by a vote of 7 to 2), McCorvey's daughter was two years old. The rest, as we say, is histrionics.
Beginning the next day and everyday since, the religious right, the Catholic Church and every politician wishing to curry favor with those two groups have been protesting. Some of those protests are merely annoying. Some are disgusting. A few are dangerous. Abortion clinics have been bombed, health care workers have been brutally assaulted and in July of 2009 Dr. George Tiller was murdered in a church in Wichita, KS; all in the name of protecting the unborn. Interestingly enough there have been no suicide bombings. I guess Christian crazies aren't as dedicated as their Muslim brothers.
So for the last 38 years Washington DC has been the host city for the March For Life. Everyone who thinks that they have the right to tell women what their morality should look like will descend on the Capital and chant. The fetus photo vendors will do a brisk business as well as the pig blood concessionaires. No doubt, the pro choice legion will also appear to express their support for what they consider settled law. But hey, this is America. If tens of thousands of young people can assemble on the National Mall to chuckle at Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert why not the anti-abortion crowd? After all, maybe a few protesters will hook up and create a few babies not to abort.
There is one question however, that has vexed this humble blogger ever since Justice Harry Blackmun issued the majority decision back in '73. With all the commotion coming from the Christian right, why no support for birth control? Alongside the placards of happy fetuses why no condoms with smiley faces? Next to people yelling "abortion is murder" why not a chorus of "Quasense makes good sense"? Really, a few people in the crowd dressed as Trojans will tell a stronger message than demonstrators in bloody lab coats.
And where are the pharmaceutical companies in all this? There would seem to be a natural symbiosis between those trying to uphold the rights of the unborn and those companies whose livelihoods depend on America's youth not being able to keep it in their pants. The battle cry of the anti-abortion crowd ought to be "take a pill, wear a raincoat...problem solved". Companies like Merck, Bayer and Barr Labs should have tents on the Mall explaining how birth control pills could close abortion clinics within a year. Church and Dwight, distributors of Trojans, America's #1 condom, could have latex-clad actors working the crowd handing out little packets of protection.
Dream on, my friends. No one in Jesus-land will ever acknowledge that the best way to stop abortions is to prevent unwanted pregnancies to begin with. And the best way prevent pregnancies is not, repeat not, abstinence or praying or locking your teenage daughters in a church until they marry. If you want to stop abortions, teach your kids about sex and explain how easy it is to prevent not-so-blessed events. Education and honesty doesn't promote promiscuity, it promotes responsibility. Give your daughters some credit. Demystify sex. Now that a good saying for a placard.
Beginning the next day and everyday since, the religious right, the Catholic Church and every politician wishing to curry favor with those two groups have been protesting. Some of those protests are merely annoying. Some are disgusting. A few are dangerous. Abortion clinics have been bombed, health care workers have been brutally assaulted and in July of 2009 Dr. George Tiller was murdered in a church in Wichita, KS; all in the name of protecting the unborn. Interestingly enough there have been no suicide bombings. I guess Christian crazies aren't as dedicated as their Muslim brothers.
So for the last 38 years Washington DC has been the host city for the March For Life. Everyone who thinks that they have the right to tell women what their morality should look like will descend on the Capital and chant. The fetus photo vendors will do a brisk business as well as the pig blood concessionaires. No doubt, the pro choice legion will also appear to express their support for what they consider settled law. But hey, this is America. If tens of thousands of young people can assemble on the National Mall to chuckle at Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert why not the anti-abortion crowd? After all, maybe a few protesters will hook up and create a few babies not to abort.
There is one question however, that has vexed this humble blogger ever since Justice Harry Blackmun issued the majority decision back in '73. With all the commotion coming from the Christian right, why no support for birth control? Alongside the placards of happy fetuses why no condoms with smiley faces? Next to people yelling "abortion is murder" why not a chorus of "Quasense makes good sense"? Really, a few people in the crowd dressed as Trojans will tell a stronger message than demonstrators in bloody lab coats.
And where are the pharmaceutical companies in all this? There would seem to be a natural symbiosis between those trying to uphold the rights of the unborn and those companies whose livelihoods depend on America's youth not being able to keep it in their pants. The battle cry of the anti-abortion crowd ought to be "take a pill, wear a raincoat...problem solved". Companies like Merck, Bayer and Barr Labs should have tents on the Mall explaining how birth control pills could close abortion clinics within a year. Church and Dwight, distributors of Trojans, America's #1 condom, could have latex-clad actors working the crowd handing out little packets of protection.
Dream on, my friends. No one in Jesus-land will ever acknowledge that the best way to stop abortions is to prevent unwanted pregnancies to begin with. And the best way prevent pregnancies is not, repeat not, abstinence or praying or locking your teenage daughters in a church until they marry. If you want to stop abortions, teach your kids about sex and explain how easy it is to prevent not-so-blessed events. Education and honesty doesn't promote promiscuity, it promotes responsibility. Give your daughters some credit. Demystify sex. Now that a good saying for a placard.
Monday, January 16, 2012
...or will chargers soon be available in bathroom stalls so people can read their i-phones?
Things that happened while the GOP candidates were traveling from New Hampshire to South Carolina:
Doing nothing for the stereotype
In Warsaw, Poland last week an Army Colonel tried to shoot himself in his office and missed. Col. Mikolaj Przybyl called reporters into his office to defend his work as a military prosecutor. Asking to be left alone for a moment the reporters heard a shot. Col.Przybyl was wounded (he didn't miss completely) but will recover. Well, he will recover his health. The same cannot be said for his dignity. The Polish Army has initiated a new intensive marksmanship program which will include an explanation of end of a pistol fires the projectile. As for the hospitalized colonel, the Polish government has asked that, in lieu of flowers, send vowels.
___________________________________________________________________
Where are they now?
Well, we know what happened to Joe Hazelwood. The former captain of the Exxon Valdez has apparently landed a great gig training ships captains for Costa Crociere, owners of the Costa Concordia. In case you haven't seen the Costa Concordia, a birds eye view is available from the western shore of Italy. You can look right down the stacks. It appears that the captain, one Francesco Schettino, wanted a closer look at some beachfront property he was thinking of buying and strayed just a bit too close to shore.
The Italian crew of the damaged ship responded exactly as you would expect from barely trained minimum wage workers. Their scant knowledge of the lifeboats was just sufficient to allow them to jump in and escape. Most of the crew were in a hotel bar on the Tuscan island of Giglio before the passengers realized there was a problem. The captain, who is currently commanding a jail cell in Rome, maintains that he acted properly. Proper action unfortunately, did not include going down with his ship. He was futility directing evacuation efforts from a cafe in Athens. In retirement, Winston Churchill was asked why he preferred Italian cruise ships to the Brittish. He gave three reasons 1) the food, 2) the service, 3) " in time of an emergency there's none of this nonsense about women and children first".
It is impossible not to note that this tragedy happened just three months shy of the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic. In the intervening years we have made great strides in both ship safety and crew training. Chiefly, we have learned to sink our cruise ships closer to shore and in slightly warmer water. We have also improved crew training. When the Titanic went down, 693 crewmen went with her, 68% of the total. By 2012 not a single crewman was lost.
Full disclosure. One crewman was apparently lost. It was discovered on Thursday that a member of the ship's orchestra drowned when he attempted to retrieve his violin. Talk about selfless!
The moral of this story is, check the pedigree of the crew before you take a cruise. If they look like they got their training by watching episodes of Gilligan's Island, take a train.
__________________________________________________________________
All Hat no Cattle
Rick Perry is out. Governor Perry was the gift that kept on giving and the loss of his Stetson in the ring will be missed. Nevertheless, like the pantheon of wannabees before him, Rick gave America a glimpse of what a candidate should and should not do if he (or she) wishes to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate:
1) If you're going to recommend elimination of specific government agencies and there are only three, you might want to either remember them or write them down. Jesus, Ron Paul can rattle off five and he's 77 years old. Perry wanted to eliminate the Education Dept but based on his debate performance he may wish to rethink that idea.
2) Stay on your meds. Seriously, some of Gov. Perry's speeches sounded as though they came straight out of One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest. There's a difference between "off the leash" and rabies.
3) Try not to dumb down the contest to the point where even teabaggers question your intelligence. Conservatives don't mind actually being stupid. They just don't want to appear stupid on TV...all the time.
4) Stop acting as though your home state were somehow a qualification; especially if you are from a place where men wear cowboy boots with a suit.
So hasta la vista Governor Perry. The music stopped and there was no chair for you. Thanks for playing. Here's a copy of the home game. Don't forget to tip your campaign manager. I'm sure the people of the great state of Texas will someday forgive you for reinforcing all the stereotypes we already had about them.
___________________________________________________________________
Light at the End of the Tunnel
Just when you thought that your television had morphed into a festering cesspool of reality shows that proved the only people more depraved than the contestants were the audience, along comes Downton Abby. Currently in its second season, this Brit Lit production is garnering a large and loyal following both here and across the pond. It would appear that aspirational Americans like to imagine themselves as lords and ladies of the manner even if most of the audience should more properly identify with the laundresses and the footmen.
Although the series owes much to Upstairs Downstairs and even Remains of the Day, Downton Abby is original material. No Jane Austin, no Emily Bronte. Even Anthony Hopkins stayed away. Apparently the American fascination with the British upper class and their servants is more enduring than we thought.
Considering that the last time most Americans tuned into PBS was to watch reruns of Benny Hill, Downton Abby has at least reminded us that we have something called Public Television. Having been told by Fox News that PBS is a den of communist liberals, the public now knows that there are actually good shows over there beside Sesame Street. Anyway, Sesame Street is clearly a cauldron of liberal ideas; Bert and Ernie living together being only the most obvious. However, any programming that pulls people out of TMZ and Bridezilla has to be a force for good. So pip, pip and good show Downton Abby. Even without the Ministry of Silly Walks and the Dead Parrot, Britian still rules the waves...well, the airwaves anyway.
Doing nothing for the stereotype
In Warsaw, Poland last week an Army Colonel tried to shoot himself in his office and missed. Col. Mikolaj Przybyl called reporters into his office to defend his work as a military prosecutor. Asking to be left alone for a moment the reporters heard a shot. Col.Przybyl was wounded (he didn't miss completely) but will recover. Well, he will recover his health. The same cannot be said for his dignity. The Polish Army has initiated a new intensive marksmanship program which will include an explanation of end of a pistol fires the projectile. As for the hospitalized colonel, the Polish government has asked that, in lieu of flowers, send vowels.
___________________________________________________________________
Where are they now?
Well, we know what happened to Joe Hazelwood. The former captain of the Exxon Valdez has apparently landed a great gig training ships captains for Costa Crociere, owners of the Costa Concordia. In case you haven't seen the Costa Concordia, a birds eye view is available from the western shore of Italy. You can look right down the stacks. It appears that the captain, one Francesco Schettino, wanted a closer look at some beachfront property he was thinking of buying and strayed just a bit too close to shore.
The Italian crew of the damaged ship responded exactly as you would expect from barely trained minimum wage workers. Their scant knowledge of the lifeboats was just sufficient to allow them to jump in and escape. Most of the crew were in a hotel bar on the Tuscan island of Giglio before the passengers realized there was a problem. The captain, who is currently commanding a jail cell in Rome, maintains that he acted properly. Proper action unfortunately, did not include going down with his ship. He was futility directing evacuation efforts from a cafe in Athens. In retirement, Winston Churchill was asked why he preferred Italian cruise ships to the Brittish. He gave three reasons 1) the food, 2) the service, 3) " in time of an emergency there's none of this nonsense about women and children first".
It is impossible not to note that this tragedy happened just three months shy of the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic. In the intervening years we have made great strides in both ship safety and crew training. Chiefly, we have learned to sink our cruise ships closer to shore and in slightly warmer water. We have also improved crew training. When the Titanic went down, 693 crewmen went with her, 68% of the total. By 2012 not a single crewman was lost.
Full disclosure. One crewman was apparently lost. It was discovered on Thursday that a member of the ship's orchestra drowned when he attempted to retrieve his violin. Talk about selfless!
The moral of this story is, check the pedigree of the crew before you take a cruise. If they look like they got their training by watching episodes of Gilligan's Island, take a train.
__________________________________________________________________
All Hat no Cattle
Rick Perry is out. Governor Perry was the gift that kept on giving and the loss of his Stetson in the ring will be missed. Nevertheless, like the pantheon of wannabees before him, Rick gave America a glimpse of what a candidate should and should not do if he (or she) wishes to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate:
1) If you're going to recommend elimination of specific government agencies and there are only three, you might want to either remember them or write them down. Jesus, Ron Paul can rattle off five and he's 77 years old. Perry wanted to eliminate the Education Dept but based on his debate performance he may wish to rethink that idea.
2) Stay on your meds. Seriously, some of Gov. Perry's speeches sounded as though they came straight out of One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest. There's a difference between "off the leash" and rabies.
3) Try not to dumb down the contest to the point where even teabaggers question your intelligence. Conservatives don't mind actually being stupid. They just don't want to appear stupid on TV...all the time.
4) Stop acting as though your home state were somehow a qualification; especially if you are from a place where men wear cowboy boots with a suit.
So hasta la vista Governor Perry. The music stopped and there was no chair for you. Thanks for playing. Here's a copy of the home game. Don't forget to tip your campaign manager. I'm sure the people of the great state of Texas will someday forgive you for reinforcing all the stereotypes we already had about them.
___________________________________________________________________
Light at the End of the Tunnel
Just when you thought that your television had morphed into a festering cesspool of reality shows that proved the only people more depraved than the contestants were the audience, along comes Downton Abby. Currently in its second season, this Brit Lit production is garnering a large and loyal following both here and across the pond. It would appear that aspirational Americans like to imagine themselves as lords and ladies of the manner even if most of the audience should more properly identify with the laundresses and the footmen.
Although the series owes much to Upstairs Downstairs and even Remains of the Day, Downton Abby is original material. No Jane Austin, no Emily Bronte. Even Anthony Hopkins stayed away. Apparently the American fascination with the British upper class and their servants is more enduring than we thought.
Considering that the last time most Americans tuned into PBS was to watch reruns of Benny Hill, Downton Abby has at least reminded us that we have something called Public Television. Having been told by Fox News that PBS is a den of communist liberals, the public now knows that there are actually good shows over there beside Sesame Street. Anyway, Sesame Street is clearly a cauldron of liberal ideas; Bert and Ernie living together being only the most obvious. However, any programming that pulls people out of TMZ and Bridezilla has to be a force for good. So pip, pip and good show Downton Abby. Even without the Ministry of Silly Walks and the Dead Parrot, Britian still rules the waves...well, the airwaves anyway.
...or do the teabaggers look lost without a head for their tri-corn hats?
Jonney we hardly knew ya.
Jon Huntsman has withdrawn his hat (not a colonial one) from the ring of presidential aspirants. As such, he joins one of the two groups of hopefuls who began the quest to defeat Barack Obama back around Jan 21, 2009. Huntsman's campaign tracked a similar path to that of Mitch Daniels and Tim Paulenty, namely a rational moderate politician who held rational moderate Republican beliefs in contrast to the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Tragically, these poor mopes never had a chance. Their intelligent tone was doomed to be drowned out by the second group of presidential aspirants: the Bat-Shit Crazies aka, the BSC's. The candidacies of Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich guaranteed that no candidate with an IQ in two-digits would ever get a fair hearing. (Yes, Mitt Romney is a moderate but he has been running since 2007 and can barely garner 25% of the party. He's the cousin your mother made you take to the prom.)
Presumably South Carolina will sweep the remaining BSC candidates out of the race. That will give Mitt about ten months to drag the GOP back from BSC land. There are lots of things for Republicans to dislike about Barack Obama without: questioning his citizenship, demonizing his family or impugning his patriotism. Romney can be counted upon to keep the discourse close to the Marquess of Queensberry rules. Still, those of us who want our political leaders to at least look sane will miss Jon Huntsman.
Huntsman's unpardonable sin was his irrational rationality. Sleeping with the enemy can be forgiven but becoming the enemy's ambassador to China was beyond the pale. What kind of a Republican actually acknowledges that the other side might be right...about anything? If the hated Democrat in the White House alleges that the sky is blue (clearly another example of junk science) any conservative worth his salt must immediately offer a contrary opinion and insist that only a socialist, class warrior would say such a thing. Huntsman added a sort of anti-Fox News demeanor to the debate that conservatives found maddening. After all, who wants to hear Jon Huntsman's even-tempered response to a question when BSC quote machines like Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich are available? If the GOP wants vanilla, there's always Mitt.
Huntsman's weak-assed campaign should be a warning to future aspirants to the Republican throne. Intelligence is out. Reason is for losers. If you want to rise in the polls, bury your diploma, disavow any compromise with the enemy and dumb down your vocabulary (and for God's sake don't speak French or Mandarin.) Never put out a fire with water. Always use gasoline. Blaming your opponent is always the right answer, even if the question is "Could you please tell me the time?" Always look angry and, if possible, constipated (it seems to work for Newt.) Remember, dumb people vote. The way to get them to vote for you is never make them feel you're not one of them. Even if you don't get to be President, you can always run for Governor of Texas.
Jon Huntsman has withdrawn his hat (not a colonial one) from the ring of presidential aspirants. As such, he joins one of the two groups of hopefuls who began the quest to defeat Barack Obama back around Jan 21, 2009. Huntsman's campaign tracked a similar path to that of Mitch Daniels and Tim Paulenty, namely a rational moderate politician who held rational moderate Republican beliefs in contrast to the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Tragically, these poor mopes never had a chance. Their intelligent tone was doomed to be drowned out by the second group of presidential aspirants: the Bat-Shit Crazies aka, the BSC's. The candidacies of Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich guaranteed that no candidate with an IQ in two-digits would ever get a fair hearing. (Yes, Mitt Romney is a moderate but he has been running since 2007 and can barely garner 25% of the party. He's the cousin your mother made you take to the prom.)
Presumably South Carolina will sweep the remaining BSC candidates out of the race. That will give Mitt about ten months to drag the GOP back from BSC land. There are lots of things for Republicans to dislike about Barack Obama without: questioning his citizenship, demonizing his family or impugning his patriotism. Romney can be counted upon to keep the discourse close to the Marquess of Queensberry rules. Still, those of us who want our political leaders to at least look sane will miss Jon Huntsman.
Huntsman's unpardonable sin was his irrational rationality. Sleeping with the enemy can be forgiven but becoming the enemy's ambassador to China was beyond the pale. What kind of a Republican actually acknowledges that the other side might be right...about anything? If the hated Democrat in the White House alleges that the sky is blue (clearly another example of junk science) any conservative worth his salt must immediately offer a contrary opinion and insist that only a socialist, class warrior would say such a thing. Huntsman added a sort of anti-Fox News demeanor to the debate that conservatives found maddening. After all, who wants to hear Jon Huntsman's even-tempered response to a question when BSC quote machines like Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich are available? If the GOP wants vanilla, there's always Mitt.
Huntsman's weak-assed campaign should be a warning to future aspirants to the Republican throne. Intelligence is out. Reason is for losers. If you want to rise in the polls, bury your diploma, disavow any compromise with the enemy and dumb down your vocabulary (and for God's sake don't speak French or Mandarin.) Never put out a fire with water. Always use gasoline. Blaming your opponent is always the right answer, even if the question is "Could you please tell me the time?" Always look angry and, if possible, constipated (it seems to work for Newt.) Remember, dumb people vote. The way to get them to vote for you is never make them feel you're not one of them. Even if you don't get to be President, you can always run for Governor of Texas.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
...or is Rick Santorum just Ned Flanders without the mustache?
Be afraid...be very afraid! Rick Santorum is coming for your birth control pills.
I've never understood Republicans. They rail against big government and the evils of "regulation" when those regulations attempt to ensure clean water and air. They bemoan "government interference" when government wants food inspected or airplanes properly maintained. They cry real tears when the EPA prohibits drilling into Eskimos or polar bears for oil. Government and taxes are always the reason why America is lagging in job creation and world economics.
However, once we start talking about social issues (abortion, birth control, rap music, movies, etc.) government is always the answer. Government should regulate porn on the internet. (I agree, the production values are lousy.) Government should demand that kids pray in school. Government should never let gays marry. Big Brother should prohibit the sale or distribution of condoms to anyone under 21. Government should never allow the legalization of marijuana and should continue its amazingly successful war on drugs. Face it: if government action is beneficial to the society as a whole, the Republicans hate it. If government action interferes with mostly harmless vices, the GOP loves it. What's up with that?
As we have seen from the rather public peccadillo's of Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, it's not like Republicans don't like to be naughty. I guess they figure that it's no fun if it's legal. Memo to Newt: It is unlikely that serial philandering will ever curry much favor with rank and file conservatives. The GOP complains about the Democratic nanny state which attempts to control citizen salt intake but they welcome the Inquisition where sex and behavior are concerned.
Enter Rick Santorum.
Unlike Mitt Romney who wishes to downplay his religious preferences, Santorum wants to shout his Catholicism from the rooftops. Santorum is apparently betting that America (or at least South Carolina) would rather have a crazy-ass Catholic than a modest Mormon. Rick believes that, at the end of the day, Southerners will tolerate a religion run by the Pope as opposed to one lead by Stephen Veazey, whose title is Prophet-President Designate.In literature this is known as distinction without difference. Deciding which grand poobah talks to God most often and which group has the inside track to heaven is South Carolina's favorite sport.
Oddly enough, there was a time in the not too distant past when a Catholic in SC had an excellent chance of sharing a tree with a negro. Catholics were as popular as Yankees. In 1960, Jack Kennedy was so reviled for his faith that, even during a time when the South was solidly Democratic, Kennedy barely beat Nixon. Kennedy never denied his faith but he rarely ever mentioned it. Not only was it toxic, it was considered bad form. Nixon, to his credit, never tried to make it an issue.
Santorum on the other hand, might as well wear a miter and stole. Because he wants his Catholicism to be an issue we should oblige him and make it one. You do not want this Catholic in the White House. America doesn't need any religious orthodoxy running the country but particulatly this one. The Catholic Church's treatment of women and gays, not to mention its disregard for the laws on child abuse, is testimony to its twisted concept of how to lead a congregation to salvation. Mormons might believe in sacred underwear (Seriously, sacred boxers. Don't believe me? Look it up.) but at least their leaders aren't candidates for mug shots. Santorum is the most recent example of how the Roman Church has attempted to bully its way into the political discourse. In 2004 the bishop of St. Louis, Raymond Burke, forbade candidate John Kerry from taking communion because of his pro-abortion stance. He also virtually excommunicated Louise Lears of the Sisters of Charity for the unpardonable sin of suggesting that women be ordained. No such verdict was ever imposed on any pedophile; priest or otherwise.
Like the Republican party, the Church in Rome has been co-opted by its most right-wing forces.
Thanks to the over-long pontificate of John Paul II the entire College of Cardinals is one reactionary cabal. The current Vicar of St. Peter has only made it worse. (This should be no surprise. Benedict XVI's last job before Pope was Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith...formerly known by its more casual title...the Inquisition.)
The current church and its henchmen would only be too happy to advise President Santorum on how to run America. Think of it like Ireland only without the nifty music. Abortion would be illegal as would a woman's right to contraception. Divorce will be impossibly rare. Naturally, only men will be able to file for one. No one need fear Sharia Law. Cannon Law will be far worse. (Except that, like Sharia, the Jews will be blamed for everything.)
Fortunately, American Catholics have a long, time-honored tradition of ignoring the rantings of the Vicar of Christ. 85% of Catholic Americans practice or approve of birth control. About half think Roe v. Wade is established law and, while distasteful, is mostly OK. Catholics stopped believing that a hot dog on Friday will send you to hell about the same time we stopped believing in Santa Claus. Many still attend mass but do so mostly out of habit or as a social event. In the U.S., Catholicism is mostly what Catholics say it is...long on tradition and ceremony, short on practical life advice. After all, who wants to take marital advice from a confirmed bachelor? Who needs counsel on child rearing from men whose exposure to kids is limited to exposing themselves to kids. (OK that's harsh.)
Anyway, it remains a conundrum that the Christian South, long haters of "papists" has been forced to support a Catholic in order to uphold its Christian values. That's like the National Rifle Assoc. hiring Micheal Moore to film their documentary. Can I get an AMEN?
I've never understood Republicans. They rail against big government and the evils of "regulation" when those regulations attempt to ensure clean water and air. They bemoan "government interference" when government wants food inspected or airplanes properly maintained. They cry real tears when the EPA prohibits drilling into Eskimos or polar bears for oil. Government and taxes are always the reason why America is lagging in job creation and world economics.
However, once we start talking about social issues (abortion, birth control, rap music, movies, etc.) government is always the answer. Government should regulate porn on the internet. (I agree, the production values are lousy.) Government should demand that kids pray in school. Government should never let gays marry. Big Brother should prohibit the sale or distribution of condoms to anyone under 21. Government should never allow the legalization of marijuana and should continue its amazingly successful war on drugs. Face it: if government action is beneficial to the society as a whole, the Republicans hate it. If government action interferes with mostly harmless vices, the GOP loves it. What's up with that?
As we have seen from the rather public peccadillo's of Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, it's not like Republicans don't like to be naughty. I guess they figure that it's no fun if it's legal. Memo to Newt: It is unlikely that serial philandering will ever curry much favor with rank and file conservatives. The GOP complains about the Democratic nanny state which attempts to control citizen salt intake but they welcome the Inquisition where sex and behavior are concerned.
Enter Rick Santorum.
Unlike Mitt Romney who wishes to downplay his religious preferences, Santorum wants to shout his Catholicism from the rooftops. Santorum is apparently betting that America (or at least South Carolina) would rather have a crazy-ass Catholic than a modest Mormon. Rick believes that, at the end of the day, Southerners will tolerate a religion run by the Pope as opposed to one lead by Stephen Veazey, whose title is Prophet-President Designate.In literature this is known as distinction without difference. Deciding which grand poobah talks to God most often and which group has the inside track to heaven is South Carolina's favorite sport.
Oddly enough, there was a time in the not too distant past when a Catholic in SC had an excellent chance of sharing a tree with a negro. Catholics were as popular as Yankees. In 1960, Jack Kennedy was so reviled for his faith that, even during a time when the South was solidly Democratic, Kennedy barely beat Nixon. Kennedy never denied his faith but he rarely ever mentioned it. Not only was it toxic, it was considered bad form. Nixon, to his credit, never tried to make it an issue.
Santorum on the other hand, might as well wear a miter and stole. Because he wants his Catholicism to be an issue we should oblige him and make it one. You do not want this Catholic in the White House. America doesn't need any religious orthodoxy running the country but particulatly this one. The Catholic Church's treatment of women and gays, not to mention its disregard for the laws on child abuse, is testimony to its twisted concept of how to lead a congregation to salvation. Mormons might believe in sacred underwear (Seriously, sacred boxers. Don't believe me? Look it up.) but at least their leaders aren't candidates for mug shots. Santorum is the most recent example of how the Roman Church has attempted to bully its way into the political discourse. In 2004 the bishop of St. Louis, Raymond Burke, forbade candidate John Kerry from taking communion because of his pro-abortion stance. He also virtually excommunicated Louise Lears of the Sisters of Charity for the unpardonable sin of suggesting that women be ordained. No such verdict was ever imposed on any pedophile; priest or otherwise.
Like the Republican party, the Church in Rome has been co-opted by its most right-wing forces.
Thanks to the over-long pontificate of John Paul II the entire College of Cardinals is one reactionary cabal. The current Vicar of St. Peter has only made it worse. (This should be no surprise. Benedict XVI's last job before Pope was Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith...formerly known by its more casual title...the Inquisition.)
The current church and its henchmen would only be too happy to advise President Santorum on how to run America. Think of it like Ireland only without the nifty music. Abortion would be illegal as would a woman's right to contraception. Divorce will be impossibly rare. Naturally, only men will be able to file for one. No one need fear Sharia Law. Cannon Law will be far worse. (Except that, like Sharia, the Jews will be blamed for everything.)
Fortunately, American Catholics have a long, time-honored tradition of ignoring the rantings of the Vicar of Christ. 85% of Catholic Americans practice or approve of birth control. About half think Roe v. Wade is established law and, while distasteful, is mostly OK. Catholics stopped believing that a hot dog on Friday will send you to hell about the same time we stopped believing in Santa Claus. Many still attend mass but do so mostly out of habit or as a social event. In the U.S., Catholicism is mostly what Catholics say it is...long on tradition and ceremony, short on practical life advice. After all, who wants to take marital advice from a confirmed bachelor? Who needs counsel on child rearing from men whose exposure to kids is limited to exposing themselves to kids. (OK that's harsh.)
Anyway, it remains a conundrum that the Christian South, long haters of "papists" has been forced to support a Catholic in order to uphold its Christian values. That's like the National Rifle Assoc. hiring Micheal Moore to film their documentary. Can I get an AMEN?
Monday, January 02, 2012
... or does the end of Christmas mean the blessed end of the Iowa caucuses?
Honestly, is the battle of the insignificant in the state of the irrelevant almost over? Enough about the people of Iowa already. As of Wednesday Jan 11 the corncobbers of the Hawkeye State can return to the obscurity they clearly seek by living in Iowa. Why do we care? They once voted for Pat Robertson. That should tell you all you need to know. In what other state would Rick Santorum be a credible candidate? He speaks like the reincarnation of Christine O'Donnell.
Anyway, in a few days we can begin to forget that there is a small insignificant land mass between Illinois and Nebraska. We can then obsess about New Hampshire for a month.
__________________________________________________________________
The close of the Christmas season also means we will be spared any more ads from Lexus featuring people who give $50,000 cars as Christmas presents. This year's ads feature the jingle that Lexus thinks has become synonymous with their cars; like Gershwin and United Air Lines. People just like us are given a music box or a CD and immediately rush into the driveway looking for their GS 460.
People: a little reality please. If someone gave you a music box that played the theme from Gilligan's Island would you think you got a boat...or an island? Does the playing of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" send you on a frantic search for a little blue box? In the real world, hearing "Let it Snow" probably means you got another ugly sweater... or a shovel. Sorry.
__________________________________________________________________
Anyway, in a few days we can begin to forget that there is a small insignificant land mass between Illinois and Nebraska. We can then obsess about New Hampshire for a month.
__________________________________________________________________
The close of the Christmas season also means we will be spared any more ads from Lexus featuring people who give $50,000 cars as Christmas presents. This year's ads feature the jingle that Lexus thinks has become synonymous with their cars; like Gershwin and United Air Lines. People just like us are given a music box or a CD and immediately rush into the driveway looking for their GS 460.
People: a little reality please. If someone gave you a music box that played the theme from Gilligan's Island would you think you got a boat...or an island? Does the playing of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" send you on a frantic search for a little blue box? In the real world, hearing "Let it Snow" probably means you got another ugly sweater... or a shovel. Sorry.
__________________________________________________________________
Thursday, December 29, 2011
...or is watching politics in Iowa about as interesting as watching corn grow?
Things you missed while watching Rick Santorum receive his 15 minutes of fame:
West Bank Story
The forces of Greece and Armenia have once again beaten their ploughshares into weapons and allowed their differences to blossom into armed combat. These ancient civilizations, once allies against the hated Turks, have now taken up arms against one another. This conflict may have eluded mainstream media coverage in that the aggression has not erupted on the plains of Gamar or in the mountains of Amonos but in a far more obscure location...in the pews of The Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. The combatants are rival tribes of monks and the weapons- brooms and mops.
It seems that three orders of monks share the maintenance chores for this Church said to be the birthplace of Jesus Christ. The privilege of cleaning and maintaining the church has been a constant battle among factions of the Catholic religion. A fragile status quo exists among the three groups: one Roman Catholic, one Armenian and one Greek Orthodox. Each group cleans a certain designated section and there is frequently trouble on or near the borders.The conflict extends back centuries. In the 1800's Czar Nicholas sent troops to restore a balance he felt was tipping too far toward the Catholics. Must have been a slow day in Moscow.
The fight (and it was a fight) erupted along the border between the Armenians and the Greeks. The amazing aspect of this conflict is that there isn't a Jew or Arab in sight (or on site either). The Holy War of the Dustbin is entirely the province of the Catholics. For the moment, order has been restored but as we all know about religious squabbles in that region, peace is only as permanent as the closest O-cedar and a monk who knows how to use it.
___________________________________________________________________
Room for The Holy Ghost
Skaneateles High School, nestled in the pastoral lakes region of upstate New York, has become ground zero in the war on sin. Principal Georgette Hoskins has determined that the Winter Ball will have to be cancelled this year because the students will not refrain from "grinding" during slow dances. Ms. Hoskins has tried everything short of limiting the music selection to polkas and the Texas two-step but all to no avail. "Our students dance like they were magnetized" one teacher lamented. Unable to pry the boys away from the girls and, convinced that dirty dancing is called dirty for a reason, cancelling the big winter dance was the school's only recourse.
Grinding played a major role in the sex life of the denizens of St. Nicholas of Tolentine parish in the Bronx. Actually it was my entire sex life for all of high school. Outside of an intimate moment with a stranger on an overcrowded subway, rubbing against a real live girl in the school gym was as good as it got. Our dances were heavily chaperoned (something like one parent per couple) but we were nevertheless able to get pretty close for brief periods. Some girls were convinced that this activity would lead to pregnancy (a bit of misinformation the nuns did nothing to correct) but most of the girls were semi-willing participants. The idea of cancelling our dances due to slow-dance contact would be like cancelling skiing due to snow.
Ms. Hoskins, we beg you to reconsider. If you are concerned about full body contact, encourage the girls to wear a catcher's chest protector or prohibit the boys from showering a week before the dance. Better yet hire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as the house band. Catchy!
___________________________________________________________________
Shave and a Haircut ...ten years
Oh those Amish! Twelve members of a breakaway (read: lunatic) Amish sect were arrested and charged by the FBI with a hate crime. It seems that Samuel Mullet (that's really his name) and a group of his followers have been attacking other Amish folk and cutting their beards and hair. (Presumably it was the men who were being de-bearded and the women scalped but the story doesn't specify.) Also unclear is the nature of the unauthorized barbering. In a perfect world the top of the head or the center of the beard would be left long and the sides cut close. Reverend Mullet was assisted by Brother Soulpatch who left the men with only a small square of beard just below the lip. Also charged in this dastardly deed were Brother Bob, Brother Buzzcut and his crew, Reverand Moptop, and Sister Pixie. Sister Helmet-head was not with the attackers which explains why none of the women looked like Callista Gingrich.
____________________________________________________________________
How Can They Tell?
Mexico City has closed its main city dump which , in its heyday (can a dump have a heyday?) recieved 12,000 tons of trash every day. The dump was closed because it was bigger than Mexico City itself. "People couldn't tell which was the dump and which was the city" said Mayor Marcelo Ebrard. "Actually the dump smelled a little bit better and the food was much better" said the Mayor. The dump had fallen on hard times recently because citizens were being encouraged to take a bag of garbage over the border when they entered the US illegally. Why not?" said Mayor Ebrard. "It helps us at home and the bags can be used as floatation devices. It's a Win-Win."
____________________________________________________________________
West Bank Story
The forces of Greece and Armenia have once again beaten their ploughshares into weapons and allowed their differences to blossom into armed combat. These ancient civilizations, once allies against the hated Turks, have now taken up arms against one another. This conflict may have eluded mainstream media coverage in that the aggression has not erupted on the plains of Gamar or in the mountains of Amonos but in a far more obscure location...in the pews of The Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. The combatants are rival tribes of monks and the weapons- brooms and mops.
It seems that three orders of monks share the maintenance chores for this Church said to be the birthplace of Jesus Christ. The privilege of cleaning and maintaining the church has been a constant battle among factions of the Catholic religion. A fragile status quo exists among the three groups: one Roman Catholic, one Armenian and one Greek Orthodox. Each group cleans a certain designated section and there is frequently trouble on or near the borders.The conflict extends back centuries. In the 1800's Czar Nicholas sent troops to restore a balance he felt was tipping too far toward the Catholics. Must have been a slow day in Moscow.
The fight (and it was a fight) erupted along the border between the Armenians and the Greeks. The amazing aspect of this conflict is that there isn't a Jew or Arab in sight (or on site either). The Holy War of the Dustbin is entirely the province of the Catholics. For the moment, order has been restored but as we all know about religious squabbles in that region, peace is only as permanent as the closest O-cedar and a monk who knows how to use it.
___________________________________________________________________
Room for The Holy Ghost
Skaneateles High School, nestled in the pastoral lakes region of upstate New York, has become ground zero in the war on sin. Principal Georgette Hoskins has determined that the Winter Ball will have to be cancelled this year because the students will not refrain from "grinding" during slow dances. Ms. Hoskins has tried everything short of limiting the music selection to polkas and the Texas two-step but all to no avail. "Our students dance like they were magnetized" one teacher lamented. Unable to pry the boys away from the girls and, convinced that dirty dancing is called dirty for a reason, cancelling the big winter dance was the school's only recourse.
Grinding played a major role in the sex life of the denizens of St. Nicholas of Tolentine parish in the Bronx. Actually it was my entire sex life for all of high school. Outside of an intimate moment with a stranger on an overcrowded subway, rubbing against a real live girl in the school gym was as good as it got. Our dances were heavily chaperoned (something like one parent per couple) but we were nevertheless able to get pretty close for brief periods. Some girls were convinced that this activity would lead to pregnancy (a bit of misinformation the nuns did nothing to correct) but most of the girls were semi-willing participants. The idea of cancelling our dances due to slow-dance contact would be like cancelling skiing due to snow.
Ms. Hoskins, we beg you to reconsider. If you are concerned about full body contact, encourage the girls to wear a catcher's chest protector or prohibit the boys from showering a week before the dance. Better yet hire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as the house band. Catchy!
___________________________________________________________________
Shave and a Haircut ...ten years
Oh those Amish! Twelve members of a breakaway (read: lunatic) Amish sect were arrested and charged by the FBI with a hate crime. It seems that Samuel Mullet (that's really his name) and a group of his followers have been attacking other Amish folk and cutting their beards and hair. (Presumably it was the men who were being de-bearded and the women scalped but the story doesn't specify.) Also unclear is the nature of the unauthorized barbering. In a perfect world the top of the head or the center of the beard would be left long and the sides cut close. Reverend Mullet was assisted by Brother Soulpatch who left the men with only a small square of beard just below the lip. Also charged in this dastardly deed were Brother Bob, Brother Buzzcut and his crew, Reverand Moptop, and Sister Pixie. Sister Helmet-head was not with the attackers which explains why none of the women looked like Callista Gingrich.
____________________________________________________________________
How Can They Tell?
Mexico City has closed its main city dump which , in its heyday (can a dump have a heyday?) recieved 12,000 tons of trash every day. The dump was closed because it was bigger than Mexico City itself. "People couldn't tell which was the dump and which was the city" said Mayor Marcelo Ebrard. "Actually the dump smelled a little bit better and the food was much better" said the Mayor. The dump had fallen on hard times recently because citizens were being encouraged to take a bag of garbage over the border when they entered the US illegally. Why not?" said Mayor Ebrard. "It helps us at home and the bags can be used as floatation devices. It's a Win-Win."
____________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
...or is the Catholic Church universally guilty of inappropriate behavior?
Another country heard from. The Catholic Church in the Netherlands has been deluged (how biblical) with complaints of child molestation and abuse. From 1945 to 1981, between 10,000 and 20,000 children were abused in seminaries, boarding schools and orphanages. The Dutch commission has identified hundreds of priests involved both in the abuses and the cover-ups. Once again the Church in Rome offered its scripted heartfelt apologies and meaningless mea culpas. Once again no police were notified. Once again no priest or bishop was publicly arrested. Once again no bishop was expelled. Once again no offer to surrender Church files or documents was made. In other words the Holy Roman Catholic Church remains the largest fraud in the history of religion. Their "heartfelt apology" is worse than useless. The charlatans in Rome will wring their hands and bow their heads until the headlines fade. At that point they will return to business as usual, which is covering-up; hiding the proof of crime and hoping the fools who still occupy the pews on Sunday will believe their lies and misdirection...until the next country is heard from.
If anyone out there is offended...tough. The world has been forced to choke down one horrific scenario of abuse after another. Their pattern, like the perpatrators', never changes. Anyone who thought the crimes of pedophile priests were confined to the United States, Ireland, or Germany is probably foolish enough to believe that The Netherlands will be the end. It won't.
If anyone out there is offended...tough. The world has been forced to choke down one horrific scenario of abuse after another. Their pattern, like the perpatrators', never changes. Anyone who thought the crimes of pedophile priests were confined to the United States, Ireland, or Germany is probably foolish enough to believe that The Netherlands will be the end. It won't.
...or is it possible to feel sorry for a man who's worth $150 million?
I admit it. I feel sorry for Mitt Romney. I want to send him a fruit basket...or a Vermont Teddy Bear...or an autographed photo of Rodney Dangerfield. Honestly, Romney is the tomato soup of the Republican buffet; everybody likes it but something else always looks tastier.
On paper he would appear to have all the qualifications to be a lock as the GOP standard-bearer. He comes from the aristocracy. (His father was governor of Michigan and one-time Presidential hopeful.) His educational creds are impeccable. (Harvard MBA and law degree which he earned concurrently.) Business success at Bain Capital where he earned what the IRS categorized as "a shitload of cash". He rescued the 2002 Winter Olympics from a payola scandal that, even by Olympic standards, was horrific. (Japan and Korea finished one/two in the "See Who Can Stuff More Cash and Prizes into Your Suitcase" event.) He got the good people of Massachusetts to elect him their governor...as a Republican. That's like Kansas electing Bill Ayers as its senator.
Short of discovering a cure for cancer or managing the Cubs to a World Series, it's hard to imagine what else this guy needs to do. Hell, he even looks the part.
There are kids in college who can't remember a time when Mitt Romney wasn't running for or running something. Persistence alone should account for something. He barely had time to change his "Romney in 2008" posters to "Romney 2012" before he was back out on the campaign trail. Politicians will tell you that the run for President is a marathon not a sprint but Mitt has turned it into an odyssey. One suspects the book for 2012 will be "the Making of the President 2012" by Homer.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want Mitt Romney to beat Barack Obama next year. Heaven forefend. It might be nice however, to see a candidate for president from the Republican party who doesn't look like one of the horrors on Fear Factor. Watching the election returns with one hand clutching my passport is not the way I wish to spend Nov 6, 2012. At least Mitt Romney doesn't speak and act like someone in need of a rabies test.
Why is this man getting no love? Is it like happily married men attending the show at Stringfellows? Hey, where's the harm in a little flirtation or fantasizing? I'm not going anywhere with these bimbos. I'm just imagining. Similarly, no rational Republican (oxymoron anyone?) would seriously consider voting for Michele Bachmann or Newt Gingrigh in a "real" election. It might be sexually stimulating to dream of a president hiring black school kids as janitors or demanding Ronald Reagan's bust on Mt. Rushmore but not really. A President should sound measured, thoughtful, intelligent. Most of the competitors in the GOP race sound like Fox News auditions for Glenn Beck's job. Enter Mitt Romney.
It can't be that Romney is a Mormon. America's Christians should be thrilled that any President attends a church of any kind. The only time any of the last five or six Presidents went to church was to pray that some scandal would blow over. Even the Obamas, who went to church regularly in Chicago (remember Rev. Wright?) sneak out of the White House for dinner on Saturday, not services on Sunday. Romney's Mormon faith may be the only thing he hasn't reinvented, reconsidered or reversed since his campaigning began. That should account for something. If Massachusetts didn't care why should Kansas or Iowa?
Anyway, the reinvigoration of Ron Paul's campaign should alert Republicans that they have reached the bottom of the peanut butter jar. What's next: Rick Santorum? Herman Cain redux?
Republicans should be careful that Romney doesn't drop out after Iowa. What then? Maybe it's like Chutes and Ladders; when you have to start over from the beginning. Paging Mitch Daniels! Anyone seen Donald Trump?
On paper he would appear to have all the qualifications to be a lock as the GOP standard-bearer. He comes from the aristocracy. (His father was governor of Michigan and one-time Presidential hopeful.) His educational creds are impeccable. (Harvard MBA and law degree which he earned concurrently.) Business success at Bain Capital where he earned what the IRS categorized as "a shitload of cash". He rescued the 2002 Winter Olympics from a payola scandal that, even by Olympic standards, was horrific. (Japan and Korea finished one/two in the "See Who Can Stuff More Cash and Prizes into Your Suitcase" event.) He got the good people of Massachusetts to elect him their governor...as a Republican. That's like Kansas electing Bill Ayers as its senator.
Short of discovering a cure for cancer or managing the Cubs to a World Series, it's hard to imagine what else this guy needs to do. Hell, he even looks the part.
There are kids in college who can't remember a time when Mitt Romney wasn't running for or running something. Persistence alone should account for something. He barely had time to change his "Romney in 2008" posters to "Romney 2012" before he was back out on the campaign trail. Politicians will tell you that the run for President is a marathon not a sprint but Mitt has turned it into an odyssey. One suspects the book for 2012 will be "the Making of the President 2012" by Homer.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want Mitt Romney to beat Barack Obama next year. Heaven forefend. It might be nice however, to see a candidate for president from the Republican party who doesn't look like one of the horrors on Fear Factor. Watching the election returns with one hand clutching my passport is not the way I wish to spend Nov 6, 2012. At least Mitt Romney doesn't speak and act like someone in need of a rabies test.
Why is this man getting no love? Is it like happily married men attending the show at Stringfellows? Hey, where's the harm in a little flirtation or fantasizing? I'm not going anywhere with these bimbos. I'm just imagining. Similarly, no rational Republican (oxymoron anyone?) would seriously consider voting for Michele Bachmann or Newt Gingrigh in a "real" election. It might be sexually stimulating to dream of a president hiring black school kids as janitors or demanding Ronald Reagan's bust on Mt. Rushmore but not really. A President should sound measured, thoughtful, intelligent. Most of the competitors in the GOP race sound like Fox News auditions for Glenn Beck's job. Enter Mitt Romney.
It can't be that Romney is a Mormon. America's Christians should be thrilled that any President attends a church of any kind. The only time any of the last five or six Presidents went to church was to pray that some scandal would blow over. Even the Obamas, who went to church regularly in Chicago (remember Rev. Wright?) sneak out of the White House for dinner on Saturday, not services on Sunday. Romney's Mormon faith may be the only thing he hasn't reinvented, reconsidered or reversed since his campaigning began. That should account for something. If Massachusetts didn't care why should Kansas or Iowa?
Anyway, the reinvigoration of Ron Paul's campaign should alert Republicans that they have reached the bottom of the peanut butter jar. What's next: Rick Santorum? Herman Cain redux?
Republicans should be careful that Romney doesn't drop out after Iowa. What then? Maybe it's like Chutes and Ladders; when you have to start over from the beginning. Paging Mitch Daniels! Anyone seen Donald Trump?
Monday, December 19, 2011
...or are the Republican debates running longer than Gunsmoke?
OK, what'd I miss?
It's been almost two months since last we spoke. In that time forty-three Republican presidential candidates have come and gone. When you look at the stage during any one of the recent debates, all you can see is Haley Joel Osment saying "I see dead people". Strangely though, the dead people aren't the same from week to week. The GOP has more personalities than Sybil and, like Sybil, most are bats**t crazy.
The flavor du jour is Newt Gingrich. Unlike his competitors, about whom one hears good and bad, the feelings about Gingrich are universal...everyone and I mean everyone hates him. Former Republican Congressmen who served during Newt's reign as Speaker in the 90's would rather support Dennis Kucinich. Should Gingrich be nominated, rank and file GOP strategists are already developing a Plan B. It's called "Christie 2016".
Gingrich has a political and personal past that would keep Danielle Steele in business for twenty years. The man had to open a branch closet to accommodate all the skeletons. He is running with more baggage than a porter on the Queen Mary. O. J. Simpson is sitting in a jail cell saying "Jeez maybe I could run".
Most of America has previewed the highlights. As a womanizing philanderer (three marriages, two affairs) he makes Bill Clinton look like a Trappist Monk. As a political leader, he allowed the government to be shut down and fled the House on the heels of an ethics scandal that came close to expulsion-worthy. His mea culpa (sort of) goes like this "I've made mistakes..." No kidding. If Newt were an entertainer he'd be Lindsey Lohan.
But you don't need to revisit Newt's past to find reasons to be repelled. His recent pronouncements are just as troubling. During a recent visit to that Fifth Ave. kingmaker Donald Trump (what's with that?) Gingrich allowed that poor kids (read, poor black kids) grow up in environments where no one goes to work. He suggested that these tykes be hired to scour toilets and mop floors as a way of learning a work ethic. No doubt they will also acquire the skills that will serve them well in the only career for which they are culturally suited. Newt stopped short of including tap dancing in his curriculum.
Forget the blatant racism and the incredible insensitivity inherent in this "plan". Ask yourself what sort of candidate for national office would say something so offensive? Seriously, would Mitt Romney talk like this? Would George H.W. Bush? Or the sainted Ronald W. Reagan? Hell GWB wouldn't say something so crazy and he was off the reservation 75% of the time. It's not that Newt Gingrich isn't mentally stable enough to be president. He's not mentally stable enough to be president of North Korea. (A job which recently became available.)
The mere fact that Gingrich is leading in the current polls speaks volumes about the present state of affairs in the Grand Old Party. They don't just want to crush Barack Obama, they want to send a message to the world that his liberal policies have been completely and thoroughly rejected by America. We are a Christian, heterosexual, white (except for John Boehner and Donald Trump), native born (no Kenyans please) country and the election of the current President was a horrible aberration. The opinions of Republicans will forever remain unaltered by facts. Barack Obama is a socialist, a gun hater, an appeaser of Muslims, an anti-business redistributor of wealth and a class warrior. These teabaggers are uninterested in listening to any information that contradicts these unshakable truths..so help me Rush.
Tragically, this rabid anti-Obama bile is driving normal Republicans (all 12 of them) to the fringes. So, with a nod to Jeff Foxworthy: If Newt Gingrich looks like a reasonable alternative to Michele Bachmann, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Rick Perry's lack of ability to form complete sentences is part of his charm, you just might be a teabagger. If you're eagerly awaiting Rick Santorum's big moment, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Mitt Romney is the reincarnation of Ted Kennedy, you just might be a teabagger. And finally, if you're content to get all of your nuanced political opinions from Fox News...you are a teabagger...and an asshat.
It's been almost two months since last we spoke. In that time forty-three Republican presidential candidates have come and gone. When you look at the stage during any one of the recent debates, all you can see is Haley Joel Osment saying "I see dead people". Strangely though, the dead people aren't the same from week to week. The GOP has more personalities than Sybil and, like Sybil, most are bats**t crazy.
The flavor du jour is Newt Gingrich. Unlike his competitors, about whom one hears good and bad, the feelings about Gingrich are universal...everyone and I mean everyone hates him. Former Republican Congressmen who served during Newt's reign as Speaker in the 90's would rather support Dennis Kucinich. Should Gingrich be nominated, rank and file GOP strategists are already developing a Plan B. It's called "Christie 2016".
Gingrich has a political and personal past that would keep Danielle Steele in business for twenty years. The man had to open a branch closet to accommodate all the skeletons. He is running with more baggage than a porter on the Queen Mary. O. J. Simpson is sitting in a jail cell saying "Jeez maybe I could run".
Most of America has previewed the highlights. As a womanizing philanderer (three marriages, two affairs) he makes Bill Clinton look like a Trappist Monk. As a political leader, he allowed the government to be shut down and fled the House on the heels of an ethics scandal that came close to expulsion-worthy. His mea culpa (sort of) goes like this "I've made mistakes..." No kidding. If Newt were an entertainer he'd be Lindsey Lohan.
But you don't need to revisit Newt's past to find reasons to be repelled. His recent pronouncements are just as troubling. During a recent visit to that Fifth Ave. kingmaker Donald Trump (what's with that?) Gingrich allowed that poor kids (read, poor black kids) grow up in environments where no one goes to work. He suggested that these tykes be hired to scour toilets and mop floors as a way of learning a work ethic. No doubt they will also acquire the skills that will serve them well in the only career for which they are culturally suited. Newt stopped short of including tap dancing in his curriculum.
Forget the blatant racism and the incredible insensitivity inherent in this "plan". Ask yourself what sort of candidate for national office would say something so offensive? Seriously, would Mitt Romney talk like this? Would George H.W. Bush? Or the sainted Ronald W. Reagan? Hell GWB wouldn't say something so crazy and he was off the reservation 75% of the time. It's not that Newt Gingrich isn't mentally stable enough to be president. He's not mentally stable enough to be president of North Korea. (A job which recently became available.)
The mere fact that Gingrich is leading in the current polls speaks volumes about the present state of affairs in the Grand Old Party. They don't just want to crush Barack Obama, they want to send a message to the world that his liberal policies have been completely and thoroughly rejected by America. We are a Christian, heterosexual, white (except for John Boehner and Donald Trump), native born (no Kenyans please) country and the election of the current President was a horrible aberration. The opinions of Republicans will forever remain unaltered by facts. Barack Obama is a socialist, a gun hater, an appeaser of Muslims, an anti-business redistributor of wealth and a class warrior. These teabaggers are uninterested in listening to any information that contradicts these unshakable truths..so help me Rush.
Tragically, this rabid anti-Obama bile is driving normal Republicans (all 12 of them) to the fringes. So, with a nod to Jeff Foxworthy: If Newt Gingrich looks like a reasonable alternative to Michele Bachmann, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Rick Perry's lack of ability to form complete sentences is part of his charm, you just might be a teabagger. If you're eagerly awaiting Rick Santorum's big moment, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Mitt Romney is the reincarnation of Ted Kennedy, you just might be a teabagger. And finally, if you're content to get all of your nuanced political opinions from Fox News...you are a teabagger...and an asshat.
Monday, October 31, 2011
...or is being a plumber with a job better than being an unemployed PhD living in a tent in Zuccotti Park?
Try as I might I can't add anything to this. In one sign (though crudely crafted) we learn both the frustration of the Occupy Wall Street movement and, at the same time, we can appreciate the response of the "get a job, hippie" reactionaries. When it comes to OWS everyone is on the side of the angels. As always, answers and resolutions are harder to craft than sympathy for the participants. The fault, dear readers, lies not in our stars but in ourselves.
Our cultural ethos since World War II is that everyone who wants to (and many who don't), should be able to go to college. From the time we all slouched into high school, our relatives and family friends all asked the same question..."where do you want to go to college?" Unless a child shows signs of being a music or art prodigy (in which case it's off to Julliard or the Sorbonne) all roads are suppose to lead to the ivies or dad's alma mater or the school that cousin Roscoe attends. If you hear a small explosion emanating from your local junior high school, it's probably the horrified reaction of some parent being counseled that little Justin or Rachel doesn't appear to be college material. Even parents who suspect that their offspring are not academically inclined still treat the news like a doctor's report of a serious illness. "What will my family and friends say if little Ebenezer isn't recruited by Yale or Stanford?". "We'll have to move." Parents whose kids choose a trade or, God forbid the military, feel the need to investigate witness protection.
This well-intentioned farce was fine when kids could attend a college for a few thousand dollars and expect to pay back any student loans within a year or two of graduation. Parents could point with pride to their progeny at graduation and think "My work here is done". It didn't much matter what little Brittany chose for a major because being a college grad was enough to apply for practically any office job in the country. Once hired by the Acme Widget Company, her career was launched and all those quaint college courses in Geology and Art History were a charming memory.
Fast forward to 2011. Most private university costs have increased 440% in 20 years. Good luck gaining admission to your state university. Students can expect to graduate with a degree and a serious six-figure debt. (Our girl in the picture above is actually on the low side.) Jobs in the private sector which once required a BA or BS can now hunt quite successfully for MBA's. An estimated 19,000 college grads are currently parking cars...and not their own. 300,000 are employing their expensive degrees as waiters and waitresses. A society crying for scientists and engineers probably has more Medieval History majors than it can ever support. Clearly a new paradigm is in order.
OK, with apologies to Bill Maher, we need New Rules.
Rule One - Not everyone can, or should be encouraged to, go to college. This should not be viewed as a death sentence. Intellectually we all know that different kids have different skills. Musical instrument companies have made untold millions selling accordions and recorders to kids who will never be able to tell B# from Cm. We don't force our kids to play instruments for which they are clearly unsuited (after the first two years of expensive lessons) so why force them into an academic career? Schools should abandon the "college track for smarties and wood shop for dummies" programs. Real efforts should be made to determine what little Guido is good at and elevate his pursuit of excellence regardless of skill set. Seriously, you may think that college is the only goal for your little genius but do you want an Archeology major fixing your transmission? Kids who are good with their hands should be praised as possibly the next NASA engineering wiz. We act as though the only possibilities are Nobel laureate or ditch digger. That needs to change.
Second Rule - If you want to go to college there will be restrictions. If your family can afford to send you to Whatzamata U. to study The Influence of Homosexuality and Lesbianism on Fourteenth Century Haberdashery, knock yourself out. If you work your can off throughout high school and can hook yourself a scholarship in say, The History of the Color Yellow, congratulations. If, however, you plan to borrow the money for school, there will be a few codicils. Your major course of study will be based on demonstrated attributes and diligence as well as the available job landscape for your chosen discipline. (Example: if you had to look up "codicil", Law and English might not be for you.)
Lenders (read, Uncle Sam) will not lend you the cash to study Marine Biology merely because you saw Free Willy four times and want to get a job where the preferred mode of dress is a bikini. Minimally demonstrated attributes might include 1) knowing that oceans are near the beach; 2) being able to swim; or 3) knowing that port is left and starboard is right. We simply cannot train 10,000 Geologists to fill 26 jobs. The net result of that policy is 9,974 disillusioned kids occupying Wall Street.
Rule Three - If you change your major, your loans are immediately due for payment and you must reapply for funds in your newly chosen field. An addendum to this rule is "five years to graduation or you're out".
Rule Four - None of the other rules apply if you want to give science, mathematics and engineering a try. We all know that most American students suck at science and math but part of the reason is that these fields are nerd-centric and buzzkillers with the opposite sex. Yeah, I know, Bill Gates and Steven Jobs made nerdness cool but ask them what high school was like. We need to isolate any sixth-grader who can add up a golf score card and nurture his or her God-given talent. Like Lebron James, we should throw money at these kids (and their parents) to attend MIT and CAL Poly. Companies should be able to recruit them out of high school and ensure that college Calculus and Quantum Physics are taught by swimsuit models.
All kidding aside, we can all sympathize with the sentiments of young people for whom the American Dream isn't turning out like it did for their parents. It's easy and cynical for Herman Cain to tell Occupiers to "get a job". His kids can always work in the pizza business. We encourage our young people to study and pursue knowledge for its own sake. Most universities require courses in language, philosophy and the arts. It shouldn't be all about career. Even accountants and pre-med students take film courses once in a while. Nevertheless we cannot be blind to the fact that we are training a generation of citizens wholly unsuited for the business and social environment of the 21st Century. I'm all in favor of studying Hispanic Lesbians but there needs to be a job of some sort waiting at the end of the academic road. No academic pursuit, regardless of its obscurity, should end with a cardboard sign in Zuccotti Park.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
...or is being wrong about someone more irritating than being right?
Honestly, there are few things in life more comforting that our dislike for certain people. If you're a Boston Red Sox fan, you really have a case-on for Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez. If you don't live in the city of Miami, Lebron James makes your teeth hurt. Should you live in the Northeast, most guitar playing, cowboy hat wearing, country singers make you run screaming into the night. Certain people at your job make you want to throttle them until they vow to stop doing the things that make you crazy. There's a twisted pleasure derived from knowing that there are certain people you just plain don't like. (Note, I have avoided using the word hate. Hate is way too strong. It's difficult to imagine actually hating anyone you don't know intimately Insert ex-spouse's name here).
Conversely, it is genuinely frustrating to wrap yourself in the enmity you hold for someone else only to discover that the object of your negative feelings is capable of an unselfish act that forces a complete revaluation of your animosity. I mean what could be more frustrating than to learn that Karl Rove spends all his off hours (when he isn't destroying civilization as we know it) working with Ally Cat Allies? Or discovering that Snooki from Jersey Shore (just typing the name gives me agita) actually teaches molecular biology to blind graduate students at Rutgers? Information like that can bend your entire outlook. Hell, if you can't be sure of your negative opinions about people, what can you believe in?
Naturally, all of this reflection stems from an incident that transpired last week. A person who I hold in high esteem had a death in the family. The services were held in a part of the country which made attendance all but impossible. In subsequent discussion, I learned that the funeral was attended by a mutual acquaintance who I have held in low esteem. This fellow held a position which allowed him to make my life, and the lives of all of my colleagues, consistently miserable. His joy at spreading ill humor made a delightful environment, hell on earth. As you can imagine, his demise was greeted with universal happiness and derision. Now this person has committed the ultimate treacherous act; he has done something selfless and praiseworthy. Of all the snaky tricks.
I now find myself in limbo. I can't think of him the way I use to, disagreeable and unreasonable. That would be uncharitable to someone who did something magnanimous. Still, it is impossible to reverse years of rancour over one gesture. This sucks.
I've decided (like you care) to assume that I have been wrong lo these many years. Perhaps the good side was always there and I just wasn't in a position to see it. Sometimes good people aren't afforded the luxury of acting good. Maybe there was always a silver lining hidden under that fat, obnoxious cloud. So now the slate is clean. In the unlikely event that I should encounter this fellow, I will greet him as a long lost friend. I'll offer to buy coffee or a libation. We'll hash over old times and, if time and geography permit, we'll catch one of Skooki's lectures at dear ole Rutgers.
Conversely, it is genuinely frustrating to wrap yourself in the enmity you hold for someone else only to discover that the object of your negative feelings is capable of an unselfish act that forces a complete revaluation of your animosity. I mean what could be more frustrating than to learn that Karl Rove spends all his off hours (when he isn't destroying civilization as we know it) working with Ally Cat Allies? Or discovering that Snooki from Jersey Shore (just typing the name gives me agita) actually teaches molecular biology to blind graduate students at Rutgers? Information like that can bend your entire outlook. Hell, if you can't be sure of your negative opinions about people, what can you believe in?
Naturally, all of this reflection stems from an incident that transpired last week. A person who I hold in high esteem had a death in the family. The services were held in a part of the country which made attendance all but impossible. In subsequent discussion, I learned that the funeral was attended by a mutual acquaintance who I have held in low esteem. This fellow held a position which allowed him to make my life, and the lives of all of my colleagues, consistently miserable. His joy at spreading ill humor made a delightful environment, hell on earth. As you can imagine, his demise was greeted with universal happiness and derision. Now this person has committed the ultimate treacherous act; he has done something selfless and praiseworthy. Of all the snaky tricks.
I now find myself in limbo. I can't think of him the way I use to, disagreeable and unreasonable. That would be uncharitable to someone who did something magnanimous. Still, it is impossible to reverse years of rancour over one gesture. This sucks.
I've decided (like you care) to assume that I have been wrong lo these many years. Perhaps the good side was always there and I just wasn't in a position to see it. Sometimes good people aren't afforded the luxury of acting good. Maybe there was always a silver lining hidden under that fat, obnoxious cloud. So now the slate is clean. In the unlikely event that I should encounter this fellow, I will greet him as a long lost friend. I'll offer to buy coffee or a libation. We'll hash over old times and, if time and geography permit, we'll catch one of Skooki's lectures at dear ole Rutgers.
Monday, September 05, 2011
...or would Dorothy be forced by the Kansas legislature to travel back to Oz for a mammogram?
A lot of wonderful people come from Kansas. I actually know a few. These folks would help you raise a barn, bring in your crops, milk your cows and do any number of those other farmy things.
Face it, individually Kansans typify all that is good about America. Collectively, however, they are red-necked, cruel, and heartless. If a citizen of Topeka finds a homeless person (bum is a bit out of fashion) on his doorstep, he will feed him, care for him, and if possible offer him a job. That same citizen will then amble down to the grange and rail about welfare, healthcare and jobs programs. If you wonder where the cutting edge of contradiction can be found, look no farther than the The Sunflower State.
Of all the "fly over" states, Kansas is the easiest to fly over; or jump over. The highest point in the state is 4,039 ft, Mt. Sunflower or, as they call it in Colorado, a speed bump. This lack of topography has led Kansans to believe that no one is watching what they do.
Kansas has, by law, an official language: English. Apparently having 96% of this country and a fair slice of the rest of the world already speaking the mother tongue just didn't cut it in Kansas. (Taco Bell must have one hell of a time being compelled to translate "burrito" and "chimichunga".) In Kansas, when you call the state for assistance the answering machine says, "for English press one. For all other languages, go f--k yourself."
Kansas passed a law setting the minimum legal age for marriage at 15. It's unclear whether this was intended as protection for farm girls or a guideline for farm boys; like the minimum size of a keepable trout. Kansas has 29 dry counties which might help explain their cranky attitude. The Kansas legislature has passed several laws restricting the benefits and educational opportunities available to anyone residing in Kansas illegally. This is curious. At the rate people are fleeing the Wheat State you would think that Kansas would be more welcoming of anyone who actually wanted to live there.
Politically, Kansas is so red you can see it from space. Think Oklahoma without the charming accent. How Kathleen Sebelius ever got elected governor as a Democrat...twice...is anyone's guess. In Presidential contests Kansas has supported Willkie, Dewey, Nixon, all the Bushes and, of course, John McCain. Thankfully their 2.8 million inhabitants only warrant six electoral votes; about the same as Brooklyn. Normally, no one cares what these people do to themselves legislatively but that changed recently.
The insidious and dangerous nature of the red state agenda was never more clear than when the Kansas legislature passed a law effectively defunding Planned Parenthood. It seems that the god-fearing folk down on the farm are troubled by the fact that, in addition to offering a myriad of medical services to women, Planned Parenthood also offers counseling on abortion. Let's be clear, the vast majority of Planned Parenthood's services involve pap smears and mammograms.
To prohibit Planned Parenthood from functioning based on the misguided notion that it serves as an abortion mill, is criminal. Without Planned Parenthood, the rate of cervical cancer will balloon. Breast cancer will go undiagnosed and untreated. People will die. No, correct that...women will die.
This horrible law isn't directed at any aspect of men's health. Cancer screening for men will continue at whatever clinics currently do the procedures. This is all about women and women's health. Why any woman would support a state representative who voted for this law is a mystery. I understand that people don't always vote in their own self interest (see, "What's Wrong With Kansas" by Thomas Frank) but this is insane. You don't close the movie theater because one of the twelve films offends you. You don't ban all gun ownership (much as I'd like to) because a few people use them to rob liquor stores. You don't have to like or support abortion rights but don't deprive women of needed medical care to impose your narrow view.
Thankfully, U.S. District Judge J. Thomas Marten (the J is for John) issued an injunction preventing Kansas from closing the financial door on Planned Parenthood. I do not know the political affinity attached to Judge Marten and I don't care. This isn't about politics; it's not even about religion. It's about a small group of right-wing crazies pandering to a larger group of right-wing crazies. Like the teabaggers whose fight was never about the debt or taxes or healthcare, this is about social engineering. It's about the forty seven or so cliches (real Americans, founding fathers, close the borders, original intent, Jesus is my savior, blah, blah) the fringe uses to cloak their burning desire to impose their brand of Americanism on you.
But fear not, Kansas. Without organizations like Planned Parenthood, the EPA, OSHA, the FDA and others, you'll all be long gone; dead from cancer, botulism, farm accidents and pollution. And so citizens of Kansas,as you make that final journey to be returned to the soil you love so much, rest easy in the knowledge that there will still be plenty of Mexicans around, farming your fields and marrying your daughters...after they turn fifteen, of course.
Face it, individually Kansans typify all that is good about America. Collectively, however, they are red-necked, cruel, and heartless. If a citizen of Topeka finds a homeless person (bum is a bit out of fashion) on his doorstep, he will feed him, care for him, and if possible offer him a job. That same citizen will then amble down to the grange and rail about welfare, healthcare and jobs programs. If you wonder where the cutting edge of contradiction can be found, look no farther than the The Sunflower State.
Of all the "fly over" states, Kansas is the easiest to fly over; or jump over. The highest point in the state is 4,039 ft, Mt. Sunflower or, as they call it in Colorado, a speed bump. This lack of topography has led Kansans to believe that no one is watching what they do.
Kansas has, by law, an official language: English. Apparently having 96% of this country and a fair slice of the rest of the world already speaking the mother tongue just didn't cut it in Kansas. (Taco Bell must have one hell of a time being compelled to translate "burrito" and "chimichunga".) In Kansas, when you call the state for assistance the answering machine says, "for English press one. For all other languages, go f--k yourself."
Kansas passed a law setting the minimum legal age for marriage at 15. It's unclear whether this was intended as protection for farm girls or a guideline for farm boys; like the minimum size of a keepable trout. Kansas has 29 dry counties which might help explain their cranky attitude. The Kansas legislature has passed several laws restricting the benefits and educational opportunities available to anyone residing in Kansas illegally. This is curious. At the rate people are fleeing the Wheat State you would think that Kansas would be more welcoming of anyone who actually wanted to live there.
Politically, Kansas is so red you can see it from space. Think Oklahoma without the charming accent. How Kathleen Sebelius ever got elected governor as a Democrat...twice...is anyone's guess. In Presidential contests Kansas has supported Willkie, Dewey, Nixon, all the Bushes and, of course, John McCain. Thankfully their 2.8 million inhabitants only warrant six electoral votes; about the same as Brooklyn. Normally, no one cares what these people do to themselves legislatively but that changed recently.
The insidious and dangerous nature of the red state agenda was never more clear than when the Kansas legislature passed a law effectively defunding Planned Parenthood. It seems that the god-fearing folk down on the farm are troubled by the fact that, in addition to offering a myriad of medical services to women, Planned Parenthood also offers counseling on abortion. Let's be clear, the vast majority of Planned Parenthood's services involve pap smears and mammograms.
To prohibit Planned Parenthood from functioning based on the misguided notion that it serves as an abortion mill, is criminal. Without Planned Parenthood, the rate of cervical cancer will balloon. Breast cancer will go undiagnosed and untreated. People will die. No, correct that...women will die.
This horrible law isn't directed at any aspect of men's health. Cancer screening for men will continue at whatever clinics currently do the procedures. This is all about women and women's health. Why any woman would support a state representative who voted for this law is a mystery. I understand that people don't always vote in their own self interest (see, "What's Wrong With Kansas" by Thomas Frank) but this is insane. You don't close the movie theater because one of the twelve films offends you. You don't ban all gun ownership (much as I'd like to) because a few people use them to rob liquor stores. You don't have to like or support abortion rights but don't deprive women of needed medical care to impose your narrow view.
Thankfully, U.S. District Judge J. Thomas Marten (the J is for John) issued an injunction preventing Kansas from closing the financial door on Planned Parenthood. I do not know the political affinity attached to Judge Marten and I don't care. This isn't about politics; it's not even about religion. It's about a small group of right-wing crazies pandering to a larger group of right-wing crazies. Like the teabaggers whose fight was never about the debt or taxes or healthcare, this is about social engineering. It's about the forty seven or so cliches (real Americans, founding fathers, close the borders, original intent, Jesus is my savior, blah, blah) the fringe uses to cloak their burning desire to impose their brand of Americanism on you.
But fear not, Kansas. Without organizations like Planned Parenthood, the EPA, OSHA, the FDA and others, you'll all be long gone; dead from cancer, botulism, farm accidents and pollution. And so citizens of Kansas,as you make that final journey to be returned to the soil you love so much, rest easy in the knowledge that there will still be plenty of Mexicans around, farming your fields and marrying your daughters...after they turn fifteen, of course.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
...should we replace "in God we trust" with something more current?
I was thinking of something along the lines of "Thou shalt not jump to conclusions" or "Thou shall wait until all the facts are in". Anything's better than "Ready, Fire, Aim." This particular rumination came about as I was reading of the recent decision in the strange case of Dominique Strauss-Kahn. The case of the City of New York vs DSK has taken on all the trappings of "Duke Lacrosse Players, Deux".
The few available facts involving Strauss-Kahn (not easy to obtain) are as follows:
-Mr. Strauss-Kahn, age 63, was visiting New York in part to meet his daughter's new boyfriend. They had dinner the evening of May 13th.
-He checked out of the Sofitel Hotel on May 14th leaving behind his cell phone. (Other things "left behind" will be discussed later.) Meanwhile at the local precinct, a hotel maid, one Nafissatou Diallo, was explaining to a desk sergeant that, as far as she knew, the duties of a chambermaid did not include forced oral sex with nude, crazy guests. (The inherent dangers of "forced, oral sex" will also be discussed later.) The cops were sufficiently impressed that they abandoned their jelly donuts (no small event on a Sunday morning) and headed to the Sofitel to investigate.
-Meanwhile, DSK contacted the hotel and requested that his phone be sent out to JFK before his flight departed for Paris. This turned out to be his undoing. His phone, along with an arrest warrant. were delivered by several members of New York's Finest who unceremoniously escorted Monsieur Strauss-Kahn to a holding cell in Rikers. Mon Dieu! Dominique made every effort to explain that this was all a misunderstanding brought about by some confusion regarding the translation of the word "consensual". DSK was charged and later indicted for first degree criminal sexual assault and unlawful imprisonment.
-Ms Diallo is from Ghana and was living in the Bronx with her daughter. The author has no particular knowledge of sexual niceties in Ghana but in the Bronx, "no" means "put soggy Napoleon back in your pants. Just leave a gratuity like everybody else".
From here the facts depend largely on whom you choose to believe. The maid at the Sofitel claims that Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom when she went in to clean. He was naked and seemed a bit deranged. He grabbed her and forced her into his lap. He then locked her in a closet and left...presumably fully dressed. There is DNA evidence that some kind of sexual activity took place.
Strauss-Kahn, forced by the DNA to admit to something sexual, professes that the tryst was consensual. (No doubt the French translation of "consent" is "your lips tell me no, no but there's yes, yes in your eyes".) He will no doubt swear that, finding himself short of change for a tip, he proffered the next best thing. After all, what black, poor immigrant woman wouldn't rather have a 60ish, Viagra-induced, French bone than a few euros? When asked why a woman from Ghana would seduce a fossilized Frenchman, Strauss-Kahn attorneys hint at a dark conspiracy, hatched to keep Strauss-Kahn off the French throne. (I know, he wants to run for President but throne sounds more exotic.)
Anyway, although the original prognosis for Monsieur Strauss-Kahn looked grim, his fortunes of late have been looking up. It now appears that his accuser's story has more holes in it than a box of donuts. She arrived in America from Ghana with a sad tale of gang rapes and other atrocities. That story was the basis for her green card as a refugee. Apparently there are enough inconsistencies in her story to cause Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance, Jr. to loose sleep.
Nevertheless, we the people, armed with only a perp walk and a few sketchy facts were out buying the rope for the execution. What did we really know?:
He's French
He runs an organization, the IMF, that we don't really understand but don't trust.
He is wealthy
He speaks French
He has a history of goosing women
He is from France
He is French
Never let it be said that facts or reason ever stood in the way of a good, irrational rush to judgement. In the case of the Duke lacrosse players, we were ready to castrate the little bastards. It was poor, black female students vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Only later did we discover that it was really poor, dumb, drunk hookers vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Being horny and nineteen isn't a crime.
Unlike the Duke Lacrosse players, it seems that Mr. Strauss-Kahn got some splainin' to do. He needs to tell us how his little swimmers got on the carpet. (Possibly setting the stage for the first "spanking the monkey" defense.) Considering DSK's proclivity for aggressive sexual harassment he garners as much sympathy as Casey Anthony. (Another case of trial by the great unwashed.)
Monsieur SK might be able to peddle that "consensual sex" story to the New York DA but his wife, French media darling Ann Sinclair may be less forgiving. Not only does she join that tragic mob of women, publicly embarrassed by their philandering husbands, she will also lose her chance to be addressed as the First Lady of France. Strauss-Kahn's hopes of ascending to the presidency of France are all but over. The French don't care if you shtup the maid. They probably don't even care if you ask permission first. But getting marched into an American courtroom to explain your wandering saucisson (Fr. dried sausage) to four hundred TV cameras is too much.
His career at the IMF in tatters and his politically ambitions all but over, what's next for poor DSK? How about a guest shot on "America's Least Wanted"?
The few available facts involving Strauss-Kahn (not easy to obtain) are as follows:
-Mr. Strauss-Kahn, age 63, was visiting New York in part to meet his daughter's new boyfriend. They had dinner the evening of May 13th.
-He checked out of the Sofitel Hotel on May 14th leaving behind his cell phone. (Other things "left behind" will be discussed later.) Meanwhile at the local precinct, a hotel maid, one Nafissatou Diallo, was explaining to a desk sergeant that, as far as she knew, the duties of a chambermaid did not include forced oral sex with nude, crazy guests. (The inherent dangers of "forced, oral sex" will also be discussed later.) The cops were sufficiently impressed that they abandoned their jelly donuts (no small event on a Sunday morning) and headed to the Sofitel to investigate.
-Meanwhile, DSK contacted the hotel and requested that his phone be sent out to JFK before his flight departed for Paris. This turned out to be his undoing. His phone, along with an arrest warrant. were delivered by several members of New York's Finest who unceremoniously escorted Monsieur Strauss-Kahn to a holding cell in Rikers. Mon Dieu! Dominique made every effort to explain that this was all a misunderstanding brought about by some confusion regarding the translation of the word "consensual". DSK was charged and later indicted for first degree criminal sexual assault and unlawful imprisonment.
-Ms Diallo is from Ghana and was living in the Bronx with her daughter. The author has no particular knowledge of sexual niceties in Ghana but in the Bronx, "no" means "put soggy Napoleon back in your pants. Just leave a gratuity like everybody else".
From here the facts depend largely on whom you choose to believe. The maid at the Sofitel claims that Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom when she went in to clean. He was naked and seemed a bit deranged. He grabbed her and forced her into his lap. He then locked her in a closet and left...presumably fully dressed. There is DNA evidence that some kind of sexual activity took place.
Strauss-Kahn, forced by the DNA to admit to something sexual, professes that the tryst was consensual. (No doubt the French translation of "consent" is "your lips tell me no, no but there's yes, yes in your eyes".) He will no doubt swear that, finding himself short of change for a tip, he proffered the next best thing. After all, what black, poor immigrant woman wouldn't rather have a 60ish, Viagra-induced, French bone than a few euros? When asked why a woman from Ghana would seduce a fossilized Frenchman, Strauss-Kahn attorneys hint at a dark conspiracy, hatched to keep Strauss-Kahn off the French throne. (I know, he wants to run for President but throne sounds more exotic.)
Anyway, although the original prognosis for Monsieur Strauss-Kahn looked grim, his fortunes of late have been looking up. It now appears that his accuser's story has more holes in it than a box of donuts. She arrived in America from Ghana with a sad tale of gang rapes and other atrocities. That story was the basis for her green card as a refugee. Apparently there are enough inconsistencies in her story to cause Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance, Jr. to loose sleep.
Nevertheless, we the people, armed with only a perp walk and a few sketchy facts were out buying the rope for the execution. What did we really know?:
He's French
He runs an organization, the IMF, that we don't really understand but don't trust.
He is wealthy
He speaks French
He has a history of goosing women
He is from France
He is French
Never let it be said that facts or reason ever stood in the way of a good, irrational rush to judgement. In the case of the Duke lacrosse players, we were ready to castrate the little bastards. It was poor, black female students vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Only later did we discover that it was really poor, dumb, drunk hookers vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Being horny and nineteen isn't a crime.
Unlike the Duke Lacrosse players, it seems that Mr. Strauss-Kahn got some splainin' to do. He needs to tell us how his little swimmers got on the carpet. (Possibly setting the stage for the first "spanking the monkey" defense.) Considering DSK's proclivity for aggressive sexual harassment he garners as much sympathy as Casey Anthony. (Another case of trial by the great unwashed.)
Monsieur SK might be able to peddle that "consensual sex" story to the New York DA but his wife, French media darling Ann Sinclair may be less forgiving. Not only does she join that tragic mob of women, publicly embarrassed by their philandering husbands, she will also lose her chance to be addressed as the First Lady of France. Strauss-Kahn's hopes of ascending to the presidency of France are all but over. The French don't care if you shtup the maid. They probably don't even care if you ask permission first. But getting marched into an American courtroom to explain your wandering saucisson (Fr. dried sausage) to four hundred TV cameras is too much.
His career at the IMF in tatters and his politically ambitions all but over, what's next for poor DSK? How about a guest shot on "America's Least Wanted"?
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